Looking Like A Glorious Implosion
I want off this effing roller coaster...
After a nerve wrecking meeting my SO had with the evaluator on Thursday last week, we learned on Friday that BM isn't cooperating with the custody study at all. She isn't returning messages, phone calls, emails, and hasn't turned in her paperwork. She also failed to show up for two of her interviews. She requested this damn study BTW. The evaluator sent a memo to the judge, who said it will continue "do your best with what you can" was the quote.
This is quite remarkable, and only strengthens So's case for contempt and maybe just maybe *fingers crossed* the judge will actually award attorney fees for my SO. SD told her dad over the weekend her mom said "I'm paying for this study." Oh bless BM's heart.
On Monday now there is communication from BM's attorney - basically "can we work this out to put an end to the study?" BM proposal is basically SO gets primary custody, still joint on decision making, and she gets SD for the summer. Hahahahaha - no. SO and his attorney basically reply that any proposal from BM should be extremely detailed and include some kind of compensation for the expenses that have accrued due to her demand for the study. The study continues...SD met with the evaluator yesterday. SO again tomorrow and me on Wednesday....BM has meetings in all of this too. It pretty obvious to me that BM has no interest in being held accountable for her bs...and is doing everything possible to avoid it. I say (as does Rags 
bare it all for the world to see!!
Today - SD therapist tells both SD and SO that she will be again contacting the GAL after this morning's session. She didn't go into details, but apparently some shit went down last weekend when SD was with her mom. Therapist called GAL, who called SO attorney, who called him....we learned the evaluator got a hold of BM medical records and there's some shit in there no one knew about apparently....its not looking good for BM at all. SO was told to enroll SD in school by him today.
I find myself holding my breath....I never would have dreamed this is where we would be at....cautiously optimistic is an understatement....I know there is more crazy making ahead. SO might be on the brink of having his kiddo full time....and I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but by the way it sounds....the right people are hinting full custody might be a possibility.... I am extremely worried about SD because I have no idea what BM is capable of at this point. She seems to be having an epic break...or is on the verge....when NPDs can be their most volatile/dangerous.
Keep us in your thoughts! A light is at the end of the tunnel - I just hope its not a freight train!!
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I mean this kindly - winning
I mean this kindly - winning full custody isn't always actually a win.
It's a complete lifestyle change. Yes, you have more time with skid(s), but you also have a lot less - less privacy, less alone time, less couple time, and a lot less money. You also get to contend with the results of BM's poor parenting.
It's best to start out as you mean to continue, so think hard about how you want your household to operate with SD living there full time. Think about structure, rules, and expectations. Think about your own needs, what your role is and is not, and how to protect your autonomy. Consider finances - pay your 1/3, have your SO pay 2/3 for himself and his child, and insist he get a support order for BM. Teens are very expensive; teen girls even more so; and troubled teens cost a fortune. They need therapy and often a ton of medical and dental treatment as well due to neglect. If BM is indeed a narc, part of her extinction burst may include refusing to pay for any of SD's needs. Your SO needs to budget for braces, college, a car eventually etc, none of which is your responsibility.
Support your SO in his new role as a full time parent, but don't do it for him. Make sure he knows it's his job to protect the home from BM's toxicity, too.
Love this - thank you
Thank you for your kind, honest take. SO and I have a lot to discuss and there will be BIG adjustments for everyone. Thankfully for me, we do not yet live together. When this whole thing kicked off 18 months ago, I made it clear that moving in together then (and now) was off the table...he needs to figure out parenting for himself. Having my own place and space has been a lifesaver for my mental health....I get to be supportive and yet retreat as needed!! Blending families at this juncture would be bad for everyone....we might even wait until SD is off to college!
That is very wise of you.
That is very wise of you.
Agreed. So, so wise and
Agreed. So, so wise and ultimately the best thing for all of you.
Please make sure you push for
Please make sure you push for full custody with supervised visitation with BM. For damned sure no residential visitation where BM can destroy this kid anymore than she already has.
If the hidden crap is bad enough, that would be the best outcome IMHO.
As for gaining full physical, there has to be absolute standards of behavior and standards of performance in place before SD shows up to live with you. Have therapists and even a Psychiatrist identified and engaged so when SD goes off of the deep end, and she far more likely than not will, you can engage agressive immediate counter messures and pharmaceutical therapy to get her calmed and under control.
Doing the best thing is never easy when countering this level of toxicity in the blended family opposition.
All IMHO of course.
We had none of the batshit crazy crap other than when SpermGrandHag would blow a gasket when her ass got bared for the umpteenth time.
Unfortunately, SS has developed some issues as an adult. Fortunately he is seeking Psychological therapy, Psychiatric treatment, and internist medical support. Much of what he is struggling with appears to be long COVID related. The kid has had it several times and has many if not all of the symptoms associated with long COVID. I truly hope that is what he is struggling with and he and his team can get it under control.
I agree with the above. If SD
I agree with the above. If SD comes full time, buckle up. She is a 13-year-old girl who has already been in and out of a psych hospital and expelled from school for threatening kids with a knife based on previous blogs.
She will need a regular bedtime and regulated use of electronics. She will need a wake-up routine for school days and a scheduled time to do homework. Some age appropriate chores like keeping her own room and bathroom clean, washing her own clothes (maybe give her a set day so there isn't a fight over the machine), and maybe one household chore like emptying the dishwasher or taking out the trash. There needs to be a plan in place for if she gets disrespectful, refuses to do what she is supposed to, gets violent, or threatens suicide. Privacy rules also, like the adult bedroom is an adult space and everybody knocks before coming into another's room. If she's been raised by a terrible BM, she may not know basic things that she should by this age.
Congratulations(?)
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Thank you all!
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Since SD came to live with SO a month ago, she has been phenomenal. Helps with chores, respectful, overall pleasant kid! SO has given her a lot of space to relax and just be a teenage kid, which I think has helped with the transition. SO has set rules and expectations with her, which she accepts without much push back (I would venture to guess she is going to thrive with consistency and clear communication). I'm trying my hardest not to get too comfortable with her behavior though...she has learned a lot of unhealthy shit from her mom....to say it will never rear its ugly head is naive. I am astutely aware those rose-colored glasses might be sitting on top of SO's head (maybe mine too)....but for now, as has been said....hoping for the best...preparing for the worse
***UPDATE***
SO was contacted by the GAL this morning that SD is not go go with BM this weekend.....we don't know the details, but the phrase "BM is losing it" was said. SD can have telephone contact with BM, but it must be supervised and recorded. Ex Parte is going to be filed by the GAL either today or early next week. Therapist filed ANOTHER report with CPS yesterday. HOW MANY MORE PLOT TWISTS ARE THERE??!! My secret hope is that we can finally start talking about criminal charges....I can't consent rate on anything now...this is crazy. I might need to start looking into movie rights or something!
At least BM is serving herself up for a firm defeat.
This is the best thing for SD but may not be best for you, your SO, and your relationship. I truly hope that SD stays on the decent track that she is starting on after her recent arrival.
Be wary.