Finally cutting off altogether from the skids (sorry this is long--I'll put Cliffs Notes in bold)
I've decided that I need to finally erase these people from my life. It has been a long road. (Talk about PTSD.) A main reason our marriage survived is because DH’s toxic ingrates have always lived in another state. Still, like many of us here, I have tolerated behavior from these dysfunctional primates that I would never have tolerated from anyone else. I’m done. No, they haven’t “done” anything to me recently. It’s that I’ve finally acknowledged in the truest level of my being how incredibly damaged, toxic, and crazy these people are.
I’ve always said that BM was a cult leader and the skids were her cult members. That’s how their little cocoon operated: complete enmeshment; full devotion to and worship of BM; secrets constantly kept from DH; lots of detachment from DH; nearly full detachment from me. Publicly, the skids have rarely acknowledged DH’s existence. This is because everyone had to play along with the public lies BM had told about DH, lies broadcasted to cover up the truth behind her chronic bad behavior, her crap character, and their divorce: BM had a pattern of cheating. The fanatical religious persona she dove into post divorce propelled her into rewriting history, basing a huge chunk of her history on a big lie. It was one of those tangled webs, I think: started out by what might have seemed to be little lies, and then the lies grew.
Following DH’s medical crisis last year and the horrendous skid visit “to help” that almost did me in, too, I was shocked (call me ever-hopeful and naïve) that the skids didn’t mention their father (not even a “pray for my dad”) online, nor did they mention even being here. I guess that would go against the cult rules, i.e. constant massive public mommy worship with hints that the skids were born from a virgin (actually, their public story is that DH abandoned the family). I was pissed. I then set up my Facebook page so that my default settings resulted in me seeing nothing of theirs and them seeing nothing of mine unless I’d purposely include them or peek at their pages. Note: The whole reason I have been connected with them was, initially, normal (to share info), but later so that “we” could see what was really going on in their lives, as so much was kept from DH. But, in hindsight, it wasn’t my “job” to do intel work and report back to DH.
Then recently, a family member told me something that concerned her that she saw posted on BM’s (public) Facebook page: BM, a fanatic, is now a convert of speaking in tongues. You can’t make this shit up. She, SD and SD’s husband have begun taking steps to basically build a Waco-style (I exaggerate) compound in a rural area. Any extreme religious trend out there? They jump right in. I’m now understanding why SD has popped out three kids in three years—one for each year of marriage—always telling DH that she was “surprised” (but it came out that she hasn’t been using birth control—doh!) . . . A friend was telling me how fringe churches are now encouraging young couples to step away from using birth control and, well, multiply. SD and SSIL are not rolling in money. I think back to us being gob smacked when the wedding officiant droned on about Adam’s rib and got into all kinds of super trad talk about women’s roles.
I didn’t say anything to DH right away. . . one of those “waiting for the right moment” kind of revelations. Then the other night he had a few beers and video-called SD while we were in the same room—he usually doesn’t talk to her in front of me. I’m thinking, Do not turn that phone toward me. Do not turn that phone (video) toward me. I could hear that SD was very distracted by the kids and she sounded frazzled. DH saw that I was not acknowledging their interaction at all, and he walks outside to talk. He comes back in and after he gets off the phone, he opens messages to see the usual videos she sent of the grands. . . videos are good fodder for cashflow. Then DH says, concerned, “SD always looks so tired, so exhausted.”
I then said it (some of it was repeat): DH, she’s basically in a cult. She’s been in the cult of her mother for years, which was a lot of pressure; now, she’s basically in a religious cult as well. I told him about the fringe churches and pushing constant reproduction, about BM’s speaking in tongues, about the public denial of him during and after his health crisis, and I used the term I acquired here (cash grabs) regarding the pattern of his daughter’s relationship with him. She hides who she really is from him, and she always has. She's a master manipulator (I've always known that). She is in a cult. We are outside of the cult. We are going to hell (smirk). It has reached such insane proportions that I don’t even want to think about it any longer. These people are not rational. You cannot reason with them about anything. No wonder all “the talks” through the years failed. These fockers are crazy! And I knew this nearly 20 years ago, but even I didn’t want to accept it.
While DH has come a long way, he has also relied on pretty severe denial in order to maintain relationships with/tolerate his rotten ingrates. (SS is not in the cult religion-wise, but he maintains this bizarre sense of loyalty to his mother and sister and follows many rules, including how he treats us). DH was very disturbed by what I told him. But I’m done informing him who his kids really are and what they are really like, what they have been subjected to, and how they have been raised. That’s his job. And HE should have stepped in a long, long time ago. The evidence has been here all along, for God’s sake. He just hasn’t wanted to see it or deal with it. The result: Little shitz in their 30s hint for money every so often, treat him like crap when he visits them, and continue to be rude AF to me whenever they have the opportunity.
I told him that I am so over the crazy, even from afar, that I’m stepping out of it altogether: I’m detaching from them completely from here on out. No social media connections, however distant or minimal. I don’t give a crap what they do or don’t do. I’m not watching. I’m not reporting on it. I want to erase these people from my life. I don’t have room for their crazy any longer. (He gets it.)
DH can do with this whatever he wants. I assume he will remain the Bank of Dad in some ways (we have completely separate finances/accounts and always have) in the Land of Dad Denial. But I’ve handed him his last piece of intel. He has mentioned wanting to see the grands (the hostages) later in the summer. His fantasy that some day I would join him on one of those trips (because, oddly, he always feels lonely, which should tell him something) is just that: a fantasy. I don’t hang out with crazy people who roll around on the ground spewing gibberish, who are constantly publicly vomiting about the “end of times” (the dates of which keep passing), who hate me, and who treat him like dirt. I am OUT. NO MORE GASLIGHTING.
Thanks for reading. Whew!
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Comments
Quiverfull
I've read this referred to as the 'quiverfull' movement. They don't use birth control and believe God will give them the right number of children.
It's based on Psalm 127, which says, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."
Sounds about right. Any
Sounds about right. Any movement, trend, etc. is something they jump on. Just shaking my head here. Honestly, all of me is "shaken" at this point. But what's new?
You must disengage from the cult.
Don't let SK into your home. They are crazy. You don't need this. Keep DH away from your bank account. Create your own life wurst out SK
Never. I decided the door to
Never. I decided the door to the house was shut permanently to them after the fiasco last year. Now I'm just shutting all the other doors. DH has been pretty good about not overspending on them, but I knew SD would use the grands to tug at his heartstrings. SD wanted him to pay for her wedding, or at least part of it. He gave her money for the dress and a cash wedding gift, stating that he had never been treated like her father, so why should he contribute more. I was shocked (in a good way). But, no, our bank accounts are very very very separate. We have even set up our wills accordingly. I told the attorney, "It's got to be done this way because if I die and any of my money goes to those kids, I will have to come back as a ghost!"
Been giving the will thing
some serious thought as well worrying about how to protect my assets and how ill get taken care of when the time comes. SD hasnt explictedly stated that she demands anything financial from me. However, given how she suddenly feels overly entitled to my time and attention..plus knowing the lower than low levels she has stooped out of feeling that desperate for money..It all adds up to why I feel so uncomfortable. . There was a time when I had felt alot more generous to her and her spawn. Not so much anymore since I no longer feel at ease with such an arrangement because I flat out dont feel like I can trust her because of a red flag or two. . I also am not too thrilled with the idea of relying on her for my care in old age ( at one time she was acting like I should expect her to take that on. Dont ask where she got that idea from since there has never been any intention of that expressed by ME . its like she volunteered herself..odd) I'd rather trust a random feral cat to be put in charge of my affairs over Her..actually..id place all my money on the cat)
Trust your experience and
Trust your experience and your gut. I feel much better for having an attorney take care if all of this.
Well
They don't actually have to be in an actual cult to act that way. The Girhippo by trade is a Lutheran and is holier than thou but your paragraph under "BM is a cult leader" describes the Girhippo and about 99% of the HCGUBMs that we deal with on this forum to a T.
The fact that the BM and the SD are in an actual cult just adds a further layer of complexity to the situation unfortunately.
Organized religion is a cult,
Organized religion is a cult, any practice that tells you what to think, feel, and expects you to give them money is a cult. Your DH is never going to fully believe that his children are brainwashed because as rational thinking people it’s hard to believe something so benign can be so bad for you.
I think DH realizes it
I think DH realizes it because he's seen some wacky stuff and heard some wacky things through the years as they jump from church to church (among other things). What he does with that info is another story (but what can he do with it, anyway?!). What he will not fully realize is that his precious daughter is a full-blown phony/fraud around him and he really does not know her. Forever, I have believed that they each see one another as the people they were when SD was 5. Too bad he didn't intervene back then.
He has known the skids have been brainwashed by their mother and we have both shared those thoughts with BM (I believe he has said to the skids to no avail).
Talking in tongues
My older neighbor, A, was the only other step-parent I knew back in the day. She'd been a widow with FIVE kids, met her#2, a widower with 2 then they had an ours baby. If anybody had it worse than me, it was A with EIGHT kids over there. Crazy but she handled it.
A was religious and I kind of lost track of her when I went back to work. After awhile, I heard she'd joined something where they were speaking in tongues. I thought, see what step- parenting can do to you?
Lol.
Amen to this, Sister!
" I told him that I am so over the crazy, even from afar, that I’m stepping out of it altogether: I’m detaching from them completely from here on out. No social media connections, however distant or minimal. I don’t give a crap what they do or don’t do. I’m not watching. I’m not reporting on it. I want to erase these people from my life. I don’t have room for their crazy any longer"
Amen to all this! I am so with you on this too. I understand that as much as we have good intentions, there is only so much Crazy one can handle. And like you, I have gotten way beyond sick and tired of feeling like Ive had to tolerate and cater to such annoying toxic people who just can't function for long in this world without some ridiculousness in tow. ( Speaking in tongues though??? Wow...) I wonder WHY I should we even care that much what they think or want anymore? Given that these are People whom I would NEVER want to spend any moment of my precious free time with if it werent for DH, so why bother pretending now? Also, what is with these people suddenly coming off at these sanctimonius Born again Christians or whatever religion they are endorsing? As if they become the voices of Moral Authority over others now, when we know they are the biggest hypocrites of all. Okayyyy then...I mean, Who knows how much of that Religious talk is actually sincere or is meant to be just another vehicle for guilting us to go back to catering to them? Whatever the case, it hasnt worked with me as much as SD29 tried to go that route. Whatever. SD, BM, MIL or whomever they can Recruit can Pray for me and my heathen," unforgiving" heart and soul from "going to hell" because of my disenagement and that I change my mind about it all they want until they accept that they can only expect so much from someone. Or not and they just keep living in Fantasy Land. Im good either way. I'd rather take my chances ending up in Hell. Honestly, after nearly 17 years of being SP,. that should be considered time served!
I wonder WHY I should we
Well-stated! And that's a hallelujah! lol. No kidding about time served.
For the record,
I'd say you and all the other SPs in the forum should be pardoned too as far as the Hell thing. You know, if you are as suspicious of my SD and or BM as you are of yours, I'd say they are embellishing the Holy Roller act to defend and excuse their behavior and laundry list of shitty life choices. Which is why they expect me to sweep everything under the rug just because their sins are forgiven in the eyes of God. Thats all well and good, but they are going to have to take all that up with HIM instead of me. Anything to use as a way to deflect any accountabilty for their part. I can swear to that and thats how its played out to me.
They are also ( actually) BP too so that speaks volumes and has explained so much,
Exactly. I've said to DH for
Exactly. I've said to DH for years, "Must be nice to hurt people, try to destroy their others, and act like an all around bad person, then wake up the next day, repent, and skip away feeling forgiven." Hypocrites.
it really must be nice...
Oh well whatever helps SD/BM sleep at night I guess.
You described my SKs' BM to a
You described my SKs' BM to a T! My first thought was, "yes, that's NPD." Like cult leaders, BM has my SS and SDIL totally enamoured with her. SD had the good sense to go no contact even after they were totally enmeshed until almost three years ago. The way that SS and SDIL dote on BM and praise the shit out of her on social media is as if they are in a cult and BM is the leader. That is exactly what a narcisistic relationship is with flying monkeys. Good that you told your DH that you're out. That is a very healthy thing to do to bow out and cut those idiots off.
I will never get over how
I will never get over how alike so many of these toxic kooks are! Anytime SD has stepped foot in our house over the past 18 years (which hasn't been many times at all), all she does is rattle on and on about "mommy...mom....mom...mom." She is 30 years old! It's as if she thinks God will strike her down with a bolt of lightning if she doesn't talk about mommy on a constant basis when she is around us.
Crazy is as Crazy does
Lol, Toxic Troll and her sister Crazy Troll are both "super" christian relgion spouting crazies. But somehow they are able to be selfish a$$holes out for free money they dont work for. With crazy, inept, lazy children.
Amazing, isn't it? The super
Amazing, isn't it? The super Christians who try to destroy others' lives.
The SpermClan belongs to a
The SpermClan belongs to a fringe Christian cult that espouses Christmas and Easter as heretical, gathers at some feast in a forest enclave every year, and avows large families. SpermGrandHag was distraught for decades that her daughter and SIL only had a couple of kids in violation of church breeding mandates. The DD and her DH are cult members as well though do not comply with the breeding mandates. She was even more distraught over DW leaving SpermLand with SS when SS was less than a year old and not breeding a massive brood with the Spermidiot. Then when the Spermidiot set out on his one man effort to impregnate every underage womb in the Pac NW SpermGrandHag lost any ground to stand on as a pilar of the fringe cult she belongs to. She could not drag the 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas to the cult meetings and forest romps once the youngest two biracial GKs were born. No more lying about her son breeding Grandbabies for the cult.
One of many oddities was that she poo poo'd Christmas and Easter... until the two youngest GSpawn were born then... "We never get SS for Christmas or Easter." Both of those Holidays were clearly awarded to DW in the CO because of the cult membership and not believing in those holidays. Once she could no longer play Holier Than Thau with her facade of GK legitimacy (Of her 7 GKs, only her DD's 3 meet the cult standards) SS's mentions of the cult and cult events ended nearly instantly after his youngest two half sibs were born. The Hag could no longer present her total GK brood to the cult with pride at that point. So, SS never was taken to any cult meetings of forest reasts.
The yongest three Spermidiot spawn were raised in SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa's home so having a cult facade and reality effectively presented independently was beyond their ability to manage. Particularly regarding tything. Is is SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa who paid every cent of CS for SS, as well as CS to BM#2 for spawn #2 and CS to BM#3 for Spawn#3. BM #2 and BM #3 were basically paid to leave third Spemidiot spawned kids with SpermGrandHag. CS was paid for the entire 18yrs each of the younger three were alive. To a CP who basically never had their kids. They also housed their idiot son in a rental property they owned, rent free, and still do last we heard. He is in his mid 50s and still sponges off of his mommy and daddy. They let him!
The most recent cult happenings regarding SpermGrandHag is that she is trying to marry SS's sister off to a cult member. Fortunately the young woman is at least on the ball enough to not do that. So far anyway. #3 is in prison and #4 is not far behind his inmate elder full sib.
Wow! Wow! Can you draw a
Wow! Wow!
Can you draw a diagram of all of this? *crazy*
It is a map of disfunctional
It is a map of disfunctional convolution for sure.
Think about. What am I going to do.
When DH reached retirement age and has no money ? Because he gave it all away ? Are you going to 1. Support him and SK,SGK, BM, BM 'S SO. 2. support DH only [ that will be a trick]. 3. Throw him in the street with DD address ???
You know in your heart of heart it will come to that. No money for retirement trips, no money for retirement home.
He is not by any stretch of
He is not by any stretch of the imagination over zealous regarding skid cash grabs. I have to give him that. I'm aware of his savings and investments. While our finances are separate except for a "house renovation" account, we pretty regularly talk about what we each have in our accounts. Being former (wounded) military, he is good when it comes to his retirement. It's mine that could be the big disappointment! lol.