Heard from the XBF
But, it's not what you think.
Got an informed delivery email from the USPS that a letter was arriving on Thursday from the XBF. Naturally, my imagination ran away from me and I theorized what it could be about. Was it a heartfelt letter? Was it a letter chewing me out?
None of the above. It was a very important piece of mail for my son who is on SSI. It was time sensitive as it related to a phone call I'm schedule to receive next week to verify his status for SSI.
The envelope included a brief note saying it looked important and hoping I was well.
I sent him a message thanking him for sending as it was a VERY important letter.
I'm glad he did the right thing and I'm glad for the chance to thank him. It's a relief that he's not up there hating me so much he'd trash my mail. But, I know he wouldn't break the law, so there's that.
What I am upset with is myself. The hopeless (truly hopeless) romantic in me was hoping it was a long letter declaring his undying love for me. *snort* As if.
I'm getting more comfortable with acceptance that we had some fun and made some lovely memories, but he was NEVER invested in me. I'm accepting that maybe he loved me the best he could, but I was just a placeholder for the person he really wants: his late wife.
I've also read up on avoidant attachment style and these folks often have a "phantom ex." This ex is so perfect and unattainable that no person can EVER meet their "ideal."
I've also taken a good long look in the mirror and realized I need to address the wounded girl in me who falls for emotionally unavailable men hoping to win their love. And it's kind of a narcissistic kind of trait (we all have them) to think I am special enough to win over the affections of someone who isn't really choosing me. I accepted less than I deserved in the hopes he would choose me. That's &%$!ed up, and I need to address it.
I know I need to heal the part of me that wants a man to love me and choose me as if that somehow defines me or validates that I am lovable and worthy. I already KNOW I am because I have so.damn.many.people in my life who ALREADY love and value me. That should matter more than some guy choosing me.
I'm going to correct this once and for all. I'm feeling good about the direction I'm headed in.
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Comments
Hon, you were seriously
Hon, you were seriously involved with this man and it has been 3 short months since you split. I know you better than that. I know you are too caring to turn off your emotions like a spigot. IMO, it's natural for a loving woman like you to feel/hope exactly what you did.
He did the right thing, thankfully. And you have grown SO MUCH since you first joined STalk. Be gentle with yourself. You are rocking this stage of your life. <3
Thank you. You have NO idea
Thank you. You have NO idea how much your support means to me. xoxox
In a way
a breakup is like a death. Dreams die, hope dies, you're still here but it's like you've lost part of yourself.
I admire the way you have handled this breakup so much!
I admire the way you have handled this breakup so much! You are doing everything right and you are working through the hard emotions. I would have felt the exact same way about the letter. Do you have a forward in with the Post Office?
Thank you.
Thank you.
I had my mail forwarded starting in September of 2023. I think it only lasts 6 months, but I thought I had changed everything. In fact, the last time I was up in that area, I stopped into the Social Security office and updated my mailing address. I guess it didn't go through. I talked to the guy who is calling me on Wednesday and he updated my mailing address on the spot, so it won't be an issue going forward. I may renew the post office forwarding my mail.
I don't know your backstory,
I don't know your backstory, but that "phantom ex" thing sounds chilling. You sound introspective enough to come out at the other end of this in a wonderful place. Looking back, my single days after splitting with my ex were probably the biggest growth days of my life. Hang in there!
A Phantom Ex is just an
A Phantom Ex is just an idealized "perfect" person that is not realistic, but this ex is constantly compared to the current partner who invariably falls far short.
In this case, he has what's called "euphoric recall" about his marriage to his late wife. I have no doubt at all that she was lovely and very tolerant of his quirks, moods and idiosyncracies. But what he seems to be in denial about is his performance as a husband. I don't think he was the worst. But I don't think he was the best. I think I got a better version of him.
However, he clearly sees her tolerance as accepting him and things being so easy, but I'm convinced that she just decided one day to go along to get along. To hear him tell it, they never fought. His daughter told me a couple of years ago that they DID have disagreements. She told me that her mom and her would often say, "So why isn't he speaking to anyone today?" I feel sad for his daughter that she lost her mom - they were so close.
"Loved me the beat he could"
Hang on to that thought. Its a healing way to remember him. Your work to heal yourself is a separate issue. Best wishes, you're on a good path.
We all have our limitations.
We all have our limitations. He did TRY, but ultimately couldn't follow through on counseling.
I hope he either finds some woman who doesn't need much from him and is happy to be a companion, or I hope he finds healing.
After my first marriage ended
After my first marriage ended, I began dating a much older man (19 years older than me) who was a widow. I learned all about the Phantom Ex syndrome. We were together for almost 9 years before I finally figured out that he was a controlling, mentally abusive narcissist who was never going to be invested in ME, rather only invested in that which I could do for him.
I had daddy issues, for sure, and spent a year or so in intense therapy working that out (it began during the last year of our relationship and it was the sole reason I was able to finally leave).
Give yourself some time to grieve, but I think you are well on your way to healing and moving forward to your next chapter.
Not for nothing, but once I was healthy and ready to love, I found my husband :-)
Yikes on your controlling ex.
Yikes on your controlling ex. I guess I didn't remember that he was also a widower. They are a tough bunch of people to deal with, but I've found that many widowers who were good husbands move on to be good partners in new relationships. Those who weren't tend to battle a lot of remorse and guilt.
I'm making excellent progress in the healing department. I still miss him, but I'm practical enough to know that going back would just be more of the same.
I'm working on the daddy issues. I'm ready to give up trying to convince someone that I'm lovable and someone to commit to.
Thank you!
If he did’nt make sure
You received that letter in timely fashion. And SSI became screw up because of his actions. You could of sue him in court for the money lost. He would have to explain it in front of a judge Why he did ..what he did. it always harder to look good in front of a judge when you are spiteful
He was under no obligation to
He was under no obligation to mail it and wouldn't have faced any charges as long as he didn't throw it away or destroy it, so I don't think I would have any grounds to sue him for the letter going to his house and him not forwarding it.
I'm still glad he did the right thing. He receives social security as a retired person, so I'm sure he understands.
So glad
Im super glad you are feeling better about this. He took you for a spin, and you got a little spun, but you sound very solid now. And this was a good 'heart-check"...
If I recall correctly the
If I recall correctly the grief cycle, including when recovering from a failed relationsip, job loss, etc.. is in the 2-4 year range. 3mos is about where the pain starts to fade enough that it is demonstrable that it is not hurting quite as much.
Though not a researched perspective, I have what I call Rags' 3 Day Rule.
In short, a breakup only hurts the most for the first 3 days. After day 3, it starts to fade. Just a tiny bit. Until eventually it is nothing much more than an occassional unpleasant memory.
The grief recovery cycle still holds. It still takes 2-4 years. It is not a linear process. Each section in the cycle usually is repeated a number of times. Sometimes that is a linear process, most often it is a shit storm of recycling in one or more and sometimes all of the recovery steps.
The 5 historically recognized stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Apparently there have been a couple of stages added. The 7 stage model includes, shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance.
Keep your eye on the 3 day rule. It works... for me anyway. The risk is that if you re-engage with the person, the whole shit storm resets and it all has to be lived again. Including everything leading up to the stages of grief, and all of the stages of grief, in however many cycles unfold.
Take care of you.
There has been no attempt by
There has been no attempt by him to re-engage. He's too busy on a dating site trying to find another walking distraction from his issues. It's very sad. I feel sad for people who cannot experience the full range of emotions. While I might agonize in the depths of grief and despair, I also get to soar with joy. And I don't carry unprocessed feelings with me. I feel them...........all. I journal and pray and go to therapy. I read books and try to process them. As a result, I have many successful and loving relationships now. Where I was once a terrible friend as a young girl, I am now blessed with 4 very close friends and many other friends I adore.
He won't invest in people and relationships, so he won't get to feel that kind of support and community. But, I know he longs for connection - though he'd never admit it.
I am so happy for you that
I am so happy for you that you are living well.
Keep it up!
I totally get wanting to in
I totally get wanting to in some way get some confirmation that you were "right".. and that he realized he messed up. But... I think this was actually good. He sent you something important.. no play to reel you back in.. no apologies.. false or not.. no real crumbs to try to lure you back.
So.. you can keep on keeping on.. living your best life.. and perhaps in time.. you will look back at the good times.. and the bad.. appreciate the time as not wasted as you did enjoy the companionship.. but definitely was a relationship with an expiration date since your life goals and view were so different.
As always, very well put. (
As always, very well put. ((hugs))