"Is she gone yet?"

"No, SHE is still here. Is that a problem?"

Never miss an opportunity show them up, embarrass them, or show them in their true colours. Make a game of it. It can be an entertaining occupation.

You are not alone. For my part I am no contact with SD25 Feral Forger, and She basically only contacts her father when she needs money or help moving.

SD17 Powersuk - we are generally ok. Shes just lazy and coddled.

Your SD and her toxic bs. How to deal. Trying to do battle with a dead woman's memory and SD's worshipful behavior is tough. Why did you move back? You should maybe seek some counseling with someone to help you through this, but being on here and reading through other peoples experiences will also help. Theres one member La Dulce Vita who just recently left a widower, and she had to deal with all that.

The main thing is that your husband will need to learn a better way of dealing with his b!tch of a daughter. He needs to have your back and cut her off each and every time she spews her toxic drama. Disengaging as you have been doing. Financially too. And allow yourself the time and space to grieve the relationship you had hoped to have. Focus on YOUR family. Focus on YOU.

I can empathise with you so much - I have a similar v toxic non-contact relationship with SDs. At this point we see each 1-2 times a year for not more then 3 hours at a time after I was subjected to behaviour similar to you

Things that have helped me over the years:

Counselling (individual - just for you, although you could also do couples if DH is willing - mine is not) You are dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship with your SD and perhaps other family members as well - You need professional support. I have had professional support for 3 years and it's made a huge difference to have some one vaildate my experience and perspective.

SDs are not allowed in our home - you need a safe space. They were starting to impact my physical health (blood pressure, migraines etc) You need to look after yourself

Meet in third party neutral locations only - school, cafe etc

I very rarely go to their home (maybe once a year e.g. christmas) and if we do go, DH and I decide beforehand a set time that we will leave (usually 2-3 hours maximum) and he will announce we must be going rather then me intiiating it

He knows my triggers and if anything is said - it's his responsibility to speak up and reinforce the boundary - this doesn't always happen as he struggles hugely witht he whole thing. It's your DH's responsibility to protect you - it's his family members that are causing you damage, seemingly intentionally. His boundaries need to be much stronger and he needs to have 1-2-1 conversation with SD clearly outlining what is non-acceptable. It;s unlikely that the boundaries will be respected - and he needs to step up when SD crosses them.

SD clearly needs professional help for alcohol use and grief counselling  - however, you must never say this to her as this will only lead her to ramp up her hostile behaviour. Only DH can have this conversation with her in private.

Build a strong support network - family, freinds, work colleagues. Look for hobbies you enjoy locally and create a chance to meet new people who will help to balance out your life with good

People on this forum have been a real source of wisdom and support for me over the years - I hope you can also find the same support here

(((hugs)))

Disengage x 10!  If people for whatever reason don't want you around, don't be around. Be "gone." Focus on your husband, your family, your friends. 

In one of the few real conversations I've had with my SD, I told her that if someone (she) doesn't like me, I'm not wringing my hands over it...so what...they don't like me. So, I stay away from her. Her dad visits her and talks to her. I refuse to be around people who treat me like crap, whatever their emotional issues are.

I do know it's natural for kind people to want to try. There are still times I have to catch myself, and in doing so, I protect my feelings and sense of peace. Only you know where your limits are. Be good to yourself. Will your husband be supportive? 

I have finally gotten fed up with my adult step children's verbally abusive attacks. It has been decades coming. I tried to make special times for us and they were no shows. They never gave us schedules to the kids events while my kids did and then they would say we loved those kids more than theirs because we went to the other grandkids games. Then on trying to get them together it was always no shos so I finally just started asking on holidays. Everything came with verbally abusive attacks on how worthless I am as a step parent. Still I tried. I tried having them come to our house. No show with more attacks. We tried using the other kids homes with them doing the inviting so they didn't feel so "threatened" whatever that meant in their little narcasistic world. They couldn't fit us in and we got more verbal abuse. I even tried Christmas in February, seriously FEBRUARY, still no good and verbally abusive. These kids are old enough to be grand parents because my youngest son is a grand parent. They are still hung up on the fact that they didn't get a home coming dress and basketball shoes from us because we couldnt afford it. They kept their kids from us. We have chosen to go on with our lives. We have people who have come into our lives who actually call us mom and dad and grandpa and grandma. They love us unconditionally. So, we center our lives around those who want to be part of our lives. Now the adult step kids' children have started verbally bashing us because "we were never there for them abd loved the other grandkuds best." One of the grandkids de-friended me on facebook and said I de-friended them. He did that after making disrespectful comments to me. I would invite the step grands over personally and they would never come. One of the ex-son in laws took us out to eat so his kids could see us. I would speak to the kids and they would ignore me. My husband would say, "Grandma is talking to you." Then they would look at me. They think we spend money on all our other grand kids and nothing on them. I spend time, that is what I spend. We make memories that way. I make baked goods for Christmas for them. I use to make baked goods for the step grands too but the items would go bad because they did not know they got them or when they got older they wanted  presents. So, I quit making them for them. They (SD and SGK) only contact us if they want to verbally attack us. My husband has been called a sperm donor and I have been called worthless just to give you an idea how it goes. One of my grandkids by heart that started calling me grandma when she was young is a senior this year. She has always invited me to an event at school to honor me once a year and has done so for 4 years. I have never bought this girl anything, taken her anywhere. I have just loved her when I have seen her. She made a post on Facebook about how much she cared about me and called me grandma. It had a picture of us where she invited me to our last function together. I reciprocated with reposting it because I love this sweet girl for loving me. Then it was on they all came out of the woodwork like vipers coming out from under a rock and started attacking me. I did not know they had done it until this sweet girl I bragged on texted me and told me she was sorry for getting them mad at me over the post. I went back to see what she was talking about and sure enough that were pouncing. One came out of the woodwork that hasn't spoken to us in 5 years. When one of them hears about it she unblocks me so she can post for me to see it. This time I didn't even finish reading it. I just sent my grand daughter by love a text and told her she did nothing wrong. Then, one of the adult step children started texting my husband and myself together to tell us again how worthless.. (I stopped there) we are. That wouldn't do for her. She started sending messages on messenger. You know what she said? Me neither. I was not opening them. I am done. Of course when they do this nonsense I start shaking and get sick to my stomach and almost puke. Then I start crying because I can not see how these three girls can be such wicked people, and now, they have turned their children this way. Then another message came and she had added my daughter and my daughter contacted me. My husband has 20% function of his heart and they have found that he has a congenital defect in his main artery that is causing him problems. He read the post, and I guess because I wasn't reading them, they were now attacking him and he started having chest pain that would let up and come back with each post. When they first found out he had a bad heart, this same adult daughter of his was not concerned with that. She contacted him because she wanted him to know how he has never respected her and that he was never a good father and a bunch of other nonsense. We drove over 200 miles every other weekend to pick them up for visitation and took them home on Sunday to make the same ride. We may have got behind on child support (we bought school supplies and a few outfits), but we got caught up. We did not make a lot of money but if we went on vacation we went only when they could go. My kids didn't get to do anything unless the steps were included. So, their thinking that we didn't do anything of value for them but did for my kids is a lie. I have been embarrassed by their comments on facebook about us. If it was true it would be easier to handle. I feel like they are abusers and my mental health, and my husbands physical health is more important than this non-sense. I do not know what to do to get them to stop. They are trying to continue to manipulate us and control us, while verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing us. I truly feel like I have PTSD from having them as my step children. This sounds crazy but my children informed me that there would be bouncers at the funeral to keep them from attacking me when my husband passes should he pass before me. I just do not know what to do about these evil people. The sad part is, I don't hate them. I feel sorry for them that they are so mentally off. BUT, I do not want any kind of contact with them anymore. I just don't know how to get them to stop. You know, I mentioned my ex-son-law. We have two of them that love us still. They know where we are coming from. 

You have to step out - this is not a problem you are causing so get out of the way. Let them continue with their discontentment but get yourself out of the path of destruction. 

I have no advice but I wanted to let you know I did read this and I do care. I'm so sorry you're going through this, 

Block them. End of problem. Create a FB group for the people in your life who are of quality.  Scrape the shit on the bottom of  your shoe off and leave them on the shit scraper out in the cold. Where they belong.

You know that this is detrimental to your own emotional wellbeing and to your DH's health. So, block, block, block.

Never forget, hope in one and shit in the other. The shit hand always fills up first.  Particularly when it is shit that  you are hoping to change.  Stop that.  Toxically evil people never will recognize facts or truth. They smoke the effluent of their own narrative.  And they like it.

Do not do it to you, do not do it to your DH.   Keep all of your FB communication 1:1 via messenger or in groups only with the quality people in your life.  Keep the shit spawn out of the groups.  No one can soar with the eagles when they are picking shit with the chickens. Stop picking the shit.

Take care of  you, take care of each other. Write off the turd pile.

Cognitive dissonance is a common thing in toxic step dynamics. Being around people whose words and actions don't align is stressful and can be emotionally damaging. The lack of authenticity is confusing and makes us feel unsafe, so we become hyper vigilant and anxious. The symptoms you described sound like your fight or flight response kicking in, which is a natural response to repeated exposure to an unhealthy dynamic.

I married into a dysfunctional family. Lots of generational trauma, lots of female in laws so lots of passive and relational aggression. Basically a culture of pretending everything was okay and not dealing directly with issues. I had never heard of CD back then, so I didn't understand why things always felt off or why I felt so stressed around these people. The cumulative effect of it all earned me a diagnosis of CPTSD.

There can be a lot of pretense in step life. People feel obligated to paste on a smile and pretend to get along for the sake of faaamily. But we can't form healthy relationships on a foundation of old issues and unresolved trauma. And you're not causing problems, you're reacting to ones that predate you. You may feel like you have to keep trying, but you don't. There is no scenario in which you can win with these awful people, so focus on your own healing and having peace. That's what I did over a decade ago, and it was the right choice.