I am a step grandmother. My stepdaughter tries to push the bsbysitting thing on me. I honestly dnt want to do sleepovers . How can I say nicely I don't want this. She's very pushy and she manipulates my husband .
How involved of a grandpa is he? Does he expect you to do it all? If he expects you to do it all, let them spend the night and leave him to it. All by himself. Leave the home and spend the night somewhere great. He will need to clean up and make sure you aren't put out by this.
You need to make it clear to them both that DH will be the responsible one to make this happen. " go ask your father" is a good response. So is NO. Especially if she treats you like crap.
He is involved to a point . He is a good dad but he's a pushover esp w his daughter. She lost her mom at 20 and I think he feels bad for her obviously but she plays the victim a lot. .every year she celebrates the death day. I finally told my husband I feel uncomfortable and last 2 years didn't go. But it's always an undertone if her mom was here things would be different. My ss is ok w me but him and my sd are obviously close so I feel a funny vibe w both of them. I've been in the grandchildren's life since day one but I have def taken step back over last few years bc of digs comments and just overall behavior. I tried n the beginning but I'm distant now. But the last text she sent saying you need to take one grandchild then and another overnight bc they are asking just turned me off. It's not that I don't want to be involved but honestly bc I don't care for my sd I'm not willing to do a lot. I told my husband this weekend she's pushy and I feel funny saying no to sleepovers direct to her so I'm going to defer it to you. What she does is she asks me then goes around to him. If it was a good rel woth her I'd be more ok w it but honestly I don't really want to do sleepovers with kids. I like kids but day time is best. I never had my own although im good w kids. Just everything that has transpired in the past has really put me off them. I've talked to my husband but he doesn't fully get it. His kids really don't come around thst much anymore. It's all a fake vibe. Just wish it could've been different.
I went back and read your last posts. Your SD treats you terribly. Why would you babysit for someone like that? Let her father babysit...and make sure he knows he's in charge of HIS grandkids. Do NOT lift a finger when they come. In fact, I'd plan to be out of the house. I bet babysitting will end real quick when grandpa has to do it all.
DHs kids shunned me from the step-grand role. It hurt like hell but I got over it. I do not babysit at all, don't buy gifts, don't get involved. They are DHs grands. While he only has one kid local, DH has never said a word about babysitting. I was clear with him just as I advised you...they come, YOU do the work.
No need to be ugly. Just start saying NO or I'M NOT AVAILABLE. And stand your ground. She'll eventually get the hint. I just get so disgusted with how these adult SKs think they can be ugly to the SM and still get the benefits. Stand up for yourself.
Right on. I found myself in a situation recently where all the ugly stuff they do came to one overtly crappy move by adult SKID to once again show me I am "not family." This time rather than fighting to show my worth to these people who do not value me, I began the process of removing them from any benefits family members get from me. It goes both ways when they become full fledged adults. You do NOT get the benefits if you treat the stepparent poorly. Fair is fair. Live with your choice. For no extra effort SKIDs could just be fair and respectful and I bet I would have been different but nope, so they reap what they sow.
I feel exactly the same way. They are just nice enough to me to please my dh. But it's the unspoken or the looks and even digs sometimes that make it known that I am not the real grandma. But when they need something they call. I never had kids of my own. Sometimes I wish I did so I wouldn't feel so alone in this family. But thank God I have good friends.
It's line in the sand time. If she wants a babysitter and you dh is wiiling to do the job, make it absolutely clear that it must be in HER home not yours. I'm sure your home isn't childproofed, is it? So not appropriate for play. I'm also just as sure that these are not kids who treat your home and belongings with care and respect right? So why would you let them destroy your stuff?
In her home, they will have access to all their toys, will be able to nap in their own beds if tired, and can eat the snacks and food their mother supplies.
These are all reasons to lay out for your dh. Why should you have to vacate your home for the day and spend it stressing about the disaster zone you'll be going home to? This way, sd gets the privilege of cleaning it all up.
If sd asks you directly to babysit, "I don't do babysitting/childminding. Ask your father. " is all you need.
I understand that you don't want to be rude, but considering how she treats you, why are you worried about being nice? "No", is a complete sentence. "I'm not up for that," "I don't want to babysit, tonight," there are many things that you can say, and say politely.
I would also make it clear to your husband that you are not on board for this and that HE needs to make it clear to his daughter that you are not the babysitter and for her to stop asking. If he decides to take on the babysitting, let him do it all.
People to meet with. When DH babysitter. It will be DH GK together. Only drop in for dinner that DH is cooking. Then out before the clean up Bars where no kids ,good places to meet. You are not a slave. Nobody can make you do something you don't want to do. 'If DH wants to play Babbysitting GP. that's on him. He can babbysitte all he wants. He also gets the pleasure of cooking and cleaning, washing, ect
I say "No" because my YSD treats me with indifference. I don't feel bad saying "No" to her, but I do feel bad because my DH says "Yes" and he acts so disappointed that I don't want to spend time with him while he's babysitting. (Of course I DO want to spend time with HIM! It's the babysitting I am not interested in.) It does not help that the baby has severe separation anxiety and screams when her mother is out of site. Been there, done that, not up for it at this age! I know in my heart that I would feel different if YSD reciprocated when I tried to cultivate a relationship with her. Her loss.
Recently the baby had "an infected diaper rash" that made the baby "scream" with diaper changes. I was asking questions to DH, who texted them to YSD. It was NOT infected. I suggested a simple remedy. (I have a medical background, but Pediatrics is not my background. I do have resources in just about every specialty so I can call on colleagues for answers.) After that YSD told DH that she didn't like us giving advice. Okay, understood. I will not offer advice. Recently we were with YSD/baby and baby had eaten something off of the floor and was projectile vomiting profusely. I immediately ran to help. Afterwards I cleaned baby's face and nares so her airway was open. I grabbed paper towels to clean the floor and then set them down, thinking 'why should I clean up vomit'? Nope. Someone else came and cleaned up the floor. YSD thanked that person and left. I'm thinking 'what about me'? She did come back to say, "Thank you, Trudie." I graciously responded. However, the implication was not lost upon me...I was an AFTERTHOUGHT. The person who was there immediately for help and support, the person who made sure the baby's airway was clear so she could breathe. It reinforced how she felt about me. Okay, understood. I will not offer assistance.
Another thing that reinforced how she feels about me is that on Father's Day, DH received a card from the baby. On Mother's Day I did not. Not a big deal, but it is another reminder of how she views me. NOT as a grandma. So...please do not ask/expect me to do 'grandma duties'. I think this is reasonable. (Also, YSD has a step-grandpa who she remembers with cards, etc. Why should I be different? Perhaps it's because the tradition of treating him as 'family' was started by her parents and just stuck? It doesn't matter why, what matters is that there is a difference.)
I feel exactly the same way. I get treated w indifference. I don't think my husband sees it bc it's his daughter. Or he doesn't want to see it bc he wants me there. My sd took over when her mom was sick and my husband let her bc he was working full time so my sd has always been in control . Now with me in the picture she still tries to manipulate situations w my dh . I feel bc I've said stuff on the past to my dh he thinks I overreact to her or I read too much into it. So I pick and choose what I say. She's very passive aggressive so it's not outright but she's pushy. I feel intimidated sometimes bc I love my husband and it's his daughter I'm a strong person and anyone else I would confront head on. I have talked to her in past and told her I'm a direct person and if anything is wrong come to me but she would never address anything. So there's no point. I'm honestly not into babysitting kids overnight. When her kids come over they are wild. They are good kids but they are crazy. She just checks out. I wonder if I just don't feel connected to this family too bc they aren't my kids with my husband but I have amazing friends whose kids I'm close to so I don't think it's a biological thing it's a uncomfortable vibe thing with her.
This is so right on. Afterthought, not family, just plain out indifference...yeah you do NOT get the benefits. So GLAD you put down the paper towel and did not clean up the throw up. NOT your circus...
This had been bugging me and I spoke to my therapist about it today. Her take was she takes her dad for granted so, by extension, she takes me for granted too. That makes sense. He is kind and he is a giver. I think his whole family takes him for granted. Honestly, this makes my heart break because he deserves so much better. I give him my best, which is so easy to do but it does not make up for others taking him for granted. I realize there is nothing I can do about that. What I CAN do is continue to love and be there for him in all ways.
...you are so right! It is not my responsibility. (I certainly don't do it for my kids.) I am seeing a shift in his behavior too, he is starting to see it is not his responsibility either. This is certainly a step in the right direction.
Also...we have not been asked to babysit for quite some time!
It is a very fine line between taking someone for granted and taking advantage of them.
Particularly when the one being victimised is kind, easy going, giver, and pleaser.
I tolerate this kind of things only so far then I make the ones taking advantage pay with discomfort. Very cutting, public discomfort. Interestingly, when I have to apply that discomfort there is little pushback from the one suffering that discomfort and no one else in the mix says a word. I take that as confirmation that everyone knows what the one taking for granted and taking advantage is about.
I do get a quiet statement of thanks from the person I step in to defend. It may not be my business, but I make it my business when the victim is someone I care about. Fortunately this is not a thing in my half of our family. It was the SpermClan and my IL clan that has this penchant for taking advantage. Fortunately the SpermClan is long in the past and my IL clan has learned not to push it to the point where I take action. At least not nearly as often as they used to.
You do not have to answer her at all if she texts or emails you OR leave you a message. Remember you are not required to ever respond to her. Especially because she treats you terribly.
. OR say,
Stepdaughter, it is up to your dad if he wants to babysit his grandchildren inside of YOUR HOME. I will not be babysitting in my home or anywhere else. I CAN help by preparing a lunch for the grand kids 1x a week for dh to bring along in the morning. THIS IS what I will do.
DH always volunteers us to babysit which ticks me off. SD is actually a pretty decent mom but has a lazy ass spouse that won't stay home on the weekends to help. So we get stuck with a toddler a lot. I hand the child to DH since he volunteered; I take the dog for a walk. I make sure he knows he's the responsible party. I love the little fella and won't have anything happen to him but I'm not babysitting and I'm not going to compete with my husband for the grandchild's affection.
I completely understand. I'm not into babysitting kids. I avoid the phone calls as much as I can and try to avoid texts. I feel bad but I have dogs thsts enough. Bday parties and events are enough for me. If she was my own daughter or if we got along and she treated me as a real grandma and didn't make me feel like I was an afterthought I'd be more willing.
I wonder if they stop to contemplate WHY we are not interested? For me, a 'real' relationship is reciprocal or not at all. Of course, being polite is my standard...but nothing beyond quick, general pleasantries. There are also those I choose to avoid.
Look, my own bio mom wasn't into babysitting grandkids and we got along well, my parents were still together, and that was fine. I may have grumbled to myself once or twice but i knew better than to feel entitled to free childcare or say anything out loud about it. I chose to have kids and if i wanted a babysitter i paid a teenage girl who was responsible with kids but wanted money for fancy purses. Don't let a woman you aren't related to who has treated you like crap guilt you into anything.
How can I say nicely I don't want this. She's very pushy and she manipulates my husband
if she's pushy and manipulative then you don't have to be nice.
If you want to be nice just say NO final answer!
If you want to stoop to her level set up some ambient hospital room noises every time she calls and tell her your at your doctors appointments and you will call her when you're available
The beauty of being a GP or even an SGP is that we have no duty to care for GKs/GSkids except on our own terms when and how we want to. The SKids/BKs get no say in any of that other than to say yes, or no, when we request the GKs/GSkids.
DH is a giver (Although I honestly believe he is rethinking his giving nature and pulling back, because I think he now realizes he is taken advantage of.) and feels bad if he says "No." I do not feel bad for saying "No." I raised my children and I did not ask for assistance because I wanted to raise them myself. I do not wish to help raise someone else's kids. Although...I realize I may feel differently when my son has children (daughter has verbalized her wish to not have children, she prefers travel and adventure). The difference is there is a loving bond and we have a reciprocal relationship where we each treat each other with love and respect...even if we don't agree on things. There is also reciprocal giving.
As you mentioned, it is on OUR terms. I like that.
Like you, we never asked for my parents to care for our kid (my Skid). My brother's wife, and my brother of course, would regularly dump their three off on mom. Dad was present but not a baby sitter in the least.
When my niece and nephews were dumped at my parents, mom would immediately call and ask if we could bring our kid over. She liked having all of her GrandSpawn with her. She preferred it to be all, or none I suppose.
This is not something DW and I are likely to have to struggle with. Our son is nearly completely unlikely to have children. I do not feel that we would be missing a thing by not being GPs. DW gets a bit sad about it upon occassion though.
Not only did I want to raise my own kids, I declined when my parents would ask because I worried about their safety. They would not tell them "no"! An example was my 1 1/2 year old daughter standing on a kitchen chair with a fork in her hand. My mother, "Isn't she cute?" Um, no! I would like her to not poke an eye out! Or fall off the chair. Little things like that made me worry they would not get the care they needed to keep them safe. Hard for me to say no, but I put my kids' safety and my peace of mind first.
My son defintely wants kids; he used to say he'd have 5 by the time he was 25. Good grief! He is very intelligent but the math wasn't mathing! Now, he plans to wait until his 30's to start a family. If and when it happens, I will be thrilled! Again, we have a great relationship with love, respect, and reciprocity...that makes all the difference.
This really seems to be more of a common thing that I had thought before. Back in 2011, my MIL announced to me that my SD, who was 16 at the ttime was pregnant.. No plans to finish High School and til this day no GED. She says it too hard for her, but had no problem making the conscious decision more than once or twice to have children. I call Bullshit. Anyway, at the time of her first pregnancy,I declared outright that there was no way that was going to become my problem or responsibilty. I had started going back to school at night on top of my full time job at that same time, so there was no way even if I wanted to help her. She knew that. But going on 13 years later, she decides to still hold that against me, accusing me of "pushing them away" like I neglected her and her kids. Meanwhile, lets not harp on her Baby Daddy who actually did ignore them for years..but she chooses to suddenly dump on the Stepmom that she didnt always accept as if I were the father of her kids that ran out, I am not the one who suppposely ruined their lives,,,,,thats all on them to provide for her children....all i want now is for her to leave me alone and accept the consequences of her own choices. I can bet even when her kids are also adults, she will still come at me for "abandoning" them.because I dont love them like my own. .still holding me to duties and expectations that I never agreed to in the first place nor was I aware of. This has been my life in StepHELL
DW had SS-32 when she was 16 during the summer between her Jr. and Sr. year of HS. The school administrators tried to pressure her into dropping put of HS and attending the pregnant girl GED program. Nope, she told them to F-off and that she was going to stay in school and graduate with her class. Which she did. With honors.
She worked part time, was a full time mom, and a full time HS student. She lived in an old travel trailer on the end of my IL's house as they told her they would help but she had to support, parent, and care for her baby since she was his mom. A few months before her HS graduation she booted the SpermIdiot out and FIL put a couple of rifle rounds at his feet from a couple of hundreds yards away when he tried to enter their property after DW booted him for cheating. After that he parked across the road from their nearly mile long farm driveway and waited there for DW to get to the end of the driveway for baby transfer.
DW graduated with her class and with honors with a 10mo old on her hip. Then a few months later just after she turned 18 she moved out of State to attend university with a just barely 1yo on her hip. She graduated with a dual major undergrad with honors, grad school with honors, and has had a successful career as a CPA. She graduated from undergrad when SS was 7yo.
Her perspective is that if she can do it, any young woman can. It chaps her ass when they don't then whine and cry and blame others for their lot in life. She is adamant that when a teen has a baby that teen is no longer a kid, is instantly an adult, and has the duty to provide a quality life for themselves and their kid.
My MIL has gotten groused at by a number of her coworkers over the years when they share that their DD or GD is pregant as a teen and quiting school. MIL tries to guide that just because these young women have a kid in their mid teens their lives and opportunities do not have to be forfeit. It is shocking how many times she has heard "Not everyone is like your daugther!" when she shares DW's story.
My ILs did not have the resources to support DW and SS though they did what they could. They provided the travel trailer that they lived in, hooked it to the power, water, and sewer of their home and would set a place at the dinner table for DW and the baby. DW is the eldest of 4 and when SS was born SIL (My IL's youngest) was 5. They had their own kids to finish raising.
Interestingly, when we attended DW's 10th HS reunion a number of people were surprised that DW only had one child. The expectation was that she would have several. By her 20th anniversary I had a number of her classmates tell me how incredible she was in HS including both men and women who had huge crushes on her. Her sibs apparently intimidated by her as are a number of her HS classmates.
I do not find her intimidating in the least. I find her brilliant,beautiful, and scary smart. And... sexy as all get out.
DW is modest, does not like to flaunt her background as a 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom who went on to a successful life, education, careere, and who raised a young man of honor, character, and standing in his life, profession, and community. I wish she would present herself as an example and volunteer in Teen Mom programs to mentor young women going through what she did.
My own mom was a teen mom. She had me at 19. Though she and dad married when she was 17 and he was 19. They went on to a wonderful life, raised decent sons to successful adulthood. My baby brother and I have raised some good kids of our own. Being a young parent does not make one a victim if they refuse to be a victim.
Full disclosure. DW and I met at the beginning of her Uni Freshman year and during my last semester before graduation. We married at the end of her Freshman year when she was 18. We met when SS-31 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. All we had was two apartments full of college kid furniture, two 8yo cars, and my freshly printed BS in Engineering. We made education the primary investment as a family. She went on to complete a dual major undergrad, I finished an MBA, she finished an MBA, and we both hold high level professional certifications and have solid careers.
She did not do it all completely alone. I am blessed and honored to have been at her side as she has kicked ass in her life.
IMHO what sets my DW apart is that she refused to be a victim and a statistic. Even when she was 16 and pregnant.
It sounds as if your SD embraced being a 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom victim rather than stepping up and making a solid life for herself and her children. It is good that you and her father have not bailed her out and have held her to her choices.
My advice is set the tone from the beginning. Politely decline. Don't agree because it will set a precedent. Be short with the answer and simply say no. If your husband wants to be can elsewhere. Not all grandparents are interested in babysitting. Don't let them get under your skin or cause drama. Just say no.
How involved of a grandpa is
How involved of a grandpa is he? Does he expect you to do it all? If he expects you to do it all, let them spend the night and leave him to it. All by himself. Leave the home and spend the night somewhere great. He will need to clean up and make sure you aren't put out by this.
You need to make it clear to them both that DH will be the responsible one to make this happen. " go ask your father" is a good response. So is NO. Especially if she treats you like crap.
He is involved to a point .
He is involved to a point . He is a good dad but he's a pushover esp w his daughter. She lost her mom at 20 and I think he feels bad for her obviously but she plays the victim a lot. .every year she celebrates the death day. I finally told my husband I feel uncomfortable and last 2 years didn't go. But it's always an undertone if her mom was here things would be different. My ss is ok w me but him and my sd are obviously close so I feel a funny vibe w both of them. I've been in the grandchildren's life since day one but I have def taken step back over last few years bc of digs comments and just overall behavior. I tried n the beginning but I'm distant now. But the last text she sent saying you need to take one grandchild then and another overnight bc they are asking just turned me off. It's not that I don't want to be involved but honestly bc I don't care for my sd I'm not willing to do a lot. I told my husband this weekend she's pushy and I feel funny saying no to sleepovers direct to her so I'm going to defer it to you. What she does is she asks me then goes around to him. If it was a good rel woth her I'd be more ok w it but honestly I don't really want to do sleepovers with kids. I like kids but day time is best. I never had my own although im good w kids. Just everything that has transpired in the past has really put me off them. I've talked to my husband but he doesn't fully get it. His kids really don't come around thst much anymore. It's all a fake vibe. Just wish it could've been different.
Just Say No
I went back and read your last posts. Your SD treats you terribly. Why would you babysit for someone like that? Let her father babysit...and make sure he knows he's in charge of HIS grandkids. Do NOT lift a finger when they come. In fact, I'd plan to be out of the house. I bet babysitting will end real quick when grandpa has to do it all.
DHs kids shunned me from the step-grand role. It hurt like hell but I got over it. I do not babysit at all, don't buy gifts, don't get involved. They are DHs grands. While he only has one kid local, DH has never said a word about babysitting. I was clear with him just as I advised you...they come, YOU do the work.
No need to be ugly. Just start saying NO or I'M NOT AVAILABLE. And stand your ground. She'll eventually get the hint. I just get so disgusted with how these adult SKs think they can be ugly to the SM and still get the benefits. Stand up for yourself.
Right on. I found myself in a
Right on. I found myself in a situation recently where all the ugly stuff they do came to one overtly crappy move by adult SKID to once again show me I am "not family." This time rather than fighting to show my worth to these people who do not value me, I began the process of removing them from any benefits family members get from me. It goes both ways when they become full fledged adults. You do NOT get the benefits if you treat the stepparent poorly. Fair is fair. Live with your choice. For no extra effort SKIDs could just be fair and respectful and I bet I would have been different but nope, so they reap what they sow.
I feel exactly the same way.
I feel exactly the same way. They are just nice enough to me to please my dh. But it's the unspoken or the looks and even digs sometimes that make it known that I am not the real grandma. But when they need something they call. I never had kids of my own. Sometimes I wish I did so I wouldn't feel so alone in this family. But thank God I have good friends.
It's line in the sand time.
It's line in the sand time. If she wants a babysitter and you dh is wiiling to do the job, make it absolutely clear that it must be in HER home not yours. I'm sure your home isn't childproofed, is it? So not appropriate for play. I'm also just as sure that these are not kids who treat your home and belongings with care and respect right? So why would you let them destroy your stuff?
In her home, they will have access to all their toys, will be able to nap in their own beds if tired, and can eat the snacks and food their mother supplies.
These are all reasons to lay out for your dh. Why should you have to vacate your home for the day and spend it stressing about the disaster zone you'll be going home to? This way, sd gets the privilege of cleaning it all up.
If sd asks you directly to babysit, "I don't do babysitting/childminding. Ask your father. " is all you need.
I understand that you don't
I understand that you don't want to be rude, but considering how she treats you, why are you worried about being nice? "No", is a complete sentence. "I'm not up for that," "I don't want to babysit, tonight," there are many things that you can say, and say politely.
I would also make it clear to your husband that you are not on board for this and that HE needs to make it clear to his daughter that you are not the babysitter and for her to stop asking. If he decides to take on the babysitting, let him do it all.
Time to find places to go to
People to meet with. When DH babysitter. It will be DH GK together. Only drop in for dinner that DH is cooking. Then out before the clean up Bars where no kids ,good places to meet. You are not a slave. Nobody can make you do something you don't want to do.
'If DH wants to play Babbysitting GP. that's on him. He can babbysitte all he wants. He also gets the pleasure of cooking and cleaning, washing, ect
if you want to help out that's on you or not
This must be a popular request!
I say "No" because my YSD treats me with indifference. I don't feel bad saying "No" to her, but I do feel bad because my DH says "Yes" and he acts so disappointed that I don't want to spend time with him while he's babysitting. (Of course I DO want to spend time with HIM! It's the babysitting I am not interested in.) It does not help that the baby has severe separation anxiety and screams when her mother is out of site. Been there, done that, not up for it at this age! I know in my heart that I would feel different if YSD reciprocated when I tried to cultivate a relationship with her. Her loss.
Recently the baby had "an infected diaper rash" that made the baby "scream" with diaper changes. I was asking questions to DH, who texted them to YSD. It was NOT infected. I suggested a simple remedy. (I have a medical background, but Pediatrics is not my background. I do have resources in just about every specialty so I can call on colleagues for answers.) After that YSD told DH that she didn't like us giving advice. Okay, understood. I will not offer advice. Recently we were with YSD/baby and baby had eaten something off of the floor and was projectile vomiting profusely. I immediately ran to help. Afterwards I cleaned baby's face and nares so her airway was open. I grabbed paper towels to clean the floor and then set them down, thinking 'why should I clean up vomit'? Nope. Someone else came and cleaned up the floor. YSD thanked that person and left. I'm thinking 'what about me'? She did come back to say, "Thank you, Trudie." I graciously responded. However, the implication was not lost upon me...I was an AFTERTHOUGHT. The person who was there immediately for help and support, the person who made sure the baby's airway was clear so she could breathe. It reinforced how she felt about me. Okay, understood. I will not offer assistance.
Another thing that reinforced how she feels about me is that on Father's Day, DH received a card from the baby. On Mother's Day I did not. Not a big deal, but it is another reminder of how she views me. NOT as a grandma. So...please do not ask/expect me to do 'grandma duties'. I think this is reasonable. (Also, YSD has a step-grandpa who she remembers with cards, etc. Why should I be different? Perhaps it's because the tradition of treating him as 'family' was started by her parents and just stuck? It doesn't matter why, what matters is that there is a difference.)
I feel exactly the same way.
I feel exactly the same way. I get treated w indifference. I don't think my husband sees it bc it's his daughter. Or he doesn't want to see it bc he wants me there. My sd took over when her mom was sick and my husband let her bc he was working full time so my sd has always been in control . Now with me in the picture she still tries to manipulate situations w my dh . I feel bc I've said stuff on the past to my dh he thinks I overreact to her or I read too much into it. So I pick and choose what I say. She's very passive aggressive so it's not outright but she's pushy. I feel intimidated sometimes bc I love my husband and it's his daughter I'm a strong person and anyone else I would confront head on. I have talked to her in past and told her I'm a direct person and if anything is wrong come to me but she would never address anything. So there's no point. I'm honestly not into babysitting kids overnight. When her kids come over they are wild. They are good kids but they are crazy. She just checks out. I wonder if I just don't feel connected to this family too bc they aren't my kids with my husband but I have amazing friends whose kids I'm close to so I don't think it's a biological thing it's a uncomfortable vibe thing with her.
I hear you…
...and I understand. I'm sorry it is this way for you too.
This is so right on.
This is so right on. Afterthought, not family, just plain out indifference...yeah you do NOT get the benefits. So GLAD you put down the paper towel and did not clean up the throw up. NOT your circus...
Exactly!
This had been bugging me and I spoke to my therapist about it today. Her take was she takes her dad for granted so, by extension, she takes me for granted too. That makes sense. He is kind and he is a giver. I think his whole family takes him for granted. Honestly, this makes my heart break because he deserves so much better. I give him my best, which is so easy to do but it does not make up for others taking him for granted. I realize there is nothing I can do about that. What I CAN do is continue to love and be there for him in all ways.
Yep Trudie you can but you
Yep Trudie you can but you also don't need to clean up any of this family's messes. Let them do it or don't do it. Not your responsibiltiy.
Thank you...
...you are so right! It is not my responsibility. (I certainly don't do it for my kids.) I am seeing a shift in his behavior too, he is starting to see it is not his responsibility either. This is certainly a step in the right direction.
Also...we have not been asked to babysit for quite some time!
It is a very fine line
It is a very fine line between taking someone for granted and taking advantage of them.
Particularly when the one being victimised is kind, easy going, giver, and pleaser.
I tolerate this kind of things only so far then I make the ones taking advantage pay with discomfort. Very cutting, public discomfort. Interestingly, when I have to apply that discomfort there is little pushback from the one suffering that discomfort and no one else in the mix says a word. I take that as confirmation that everyone knows what the one taking for granted and taking advantage is about.
I do get a quiet statement of thanks from the person I step in to defend. It may not be my business, but I make it my business when the victim is someone I care about. Fortunately this is not a thing in my half of our family. It was the SpermClan and my IL clan that has this penchant for taking advantage. Fortunately the SpermClan is long in the past and my IL clan has learned not to push it to the point where I take action. At least not nearly as often as they used to.
You can not answer her at all
You do not have to answer her at all if she texts or emails you OR leave you a message. Remember you are not required to ever respond to her. Especially because she treats you terribly.
. OR say,
Stepdaughter, it is up to your dad if he wants to babysit his grandchildren inside of YOUR HOME. I will not be babysitting in my home or anywhere else. I CAN help by preparing a lunch for the grand kids 1x a week for dh to bring along in the morning. THIS IS what I will do.
DH always volunteers us to
DH always volunteers us to babysit which ticks me off. SD is actually a pretty decent mom but has a lazy ass spouse that won't stay home on the weekends to help. So we get stuck with a toddler a lot. I hand the child to DH since he volunteered; I take the dog for a walk. I make sure he knows he's the responsible party. I love the little fella and won't have anything happen to him but I'm not babysitting and I'm not going to compete with my husband for the grandchild's affection.
I completely understand. I'm
I completely understand. I'm not into babysitting kids. I avoid the phone calls as much as I can and try to avoid texts. I feel bad but I have dogs thsts enough. Bday parties and events are enough for me. If she was my own daughter or if we got along and she treated me as a real grandma and didn't make me feel like I was an afterthought I'd be more willing.
Yes!
I wonder if they stop to contemplate WHY we are not interested? For me, a 'real' relationship is reciprocal or not at all. Of course, being polite is my standard...but nothing beyond quick, general pleasantries. There are also those I choose to avoid.
I feel bad but I have dogs
don't feel bad bc best believe sd doesn't feel bad about using you as the free hired help for her ferals
Look, my own bio mom wasn't
Look, my own bio mom wasn't into babysitting grandkids and we got along well, my parents were still together, and that was fine. I may have grumbled to myself once or twice but i knew better than to feel entitled to free childcare or say anything out loud about it. I chose to have kids and if i wanted a babysitter i paid a teenage girl who was responsible with kids but wanted money for fancy purses. Don't let a woman you aren't related to who has treated you like crap guilt you into anything.
How can I say nicely I don't
if she's pushy and manipulative then you don't have to be nice.
If you want to be nice just say NO final answer!
If you want to stoop to her level set up some ambient hospital room noises every time she calls and tell her your at your doctors appointments and you will call her when you're available
Love it!
I wish the 'noxious odors' could be cued on command as well!
Noxious odors, odiferous emanations, stench, reek, etc...
It is no secret that these things accompany the ill raised progeny of failed families. The why of it can be far more complex to discern.
Here is something that smells a bit better.
Ummm. No. KISS works even with entitled SKidults.
No is the the simple polite way to go about it.
The beauty of being a GP or even an SGP is that we have no duty to care for GKs/GSkids except on our own terms when and how we want to. The SKids/BKs get no say in any of that other than to say yes, or no, when we request the GKs/GSkids.
However....
DH is a giver (Although I honestly believe he is rethinking his giving nature and pulling back, because I think he now realizes he is taken advantage of.) and feels bad if he says "No." I do not feel bad for saying "No." I raised my children and I did not ask for assistance because I wanted to raise them myself. I do not wish to help raise someone else's kids. Although...I realize I may feel differently when my son has children (daughter has verbalized her wish to not have children, she prefers travel and adventure). The difference is there is a loving bond and we have a reciprocal relationship where we each treat each other with love and respect...even if we don't agree on things. There is also reciprocal giving.
As you mentioned, it is on OUR terms. I like that.
Like you, we never asked for
Like you, we never asked for my parents to care for our kid (my Skid). My brother's wife, and my brother of course, would regularly dump their three off on mom. Dad was present but not a baby sitter in the least.
When my niece and nephews were dumped at my parents, mom would immediately call and ask if we could bring our kid over. She liked having all of her GrandSpawn with her. She preferred it to be all, or none I suppose.
This is not something DW and I are likely to have to struggle with. Our son is nearly completely unlikely to have children. I do not feel that we would be missing a thing by not being GPs. DW gets a bit sad about it upon occassion though.
It was tough.
Not only did I want to raise my own kids, I declined when my parents would ask because I worried about their safety. They would not tell them "no"! An example was my 1 1/2 year old daughter standing on a kitchen chair with a fork in her hand. My mother, "Isn't she cute?" Um, no! I would like her to not poke an eye out! Or fall off the chair. Little things like that made me worry they would not get the care they needed to keep them safe. Hard for me to say no, but I put my kids' safety and my peace of mind first.
My son defintely wants kids; he used to say he'd have 5 by the time he was 25. Good grief! He is very intelligent but the math wasn't mathing! Now, he plans to wait until his 30's to start a family. If and when it happens, I will be thrilled! Again, we have a great relationship with love, respect, and reciprocity...that makes all the difference.
This really seems to be more
This really seems to be more of a common thing that I had thought before. Back in 2011, my MIL announced to me that my SD, who was 16 at the ttime was pregnant.. No plans to finish High School and til this day no GED. She says it too hard for her, but had no problem making the conscious decision more than once or twice to have children. I call Bullshit. Anyway, at the time of her first pregnancy,I declared outright that there was no way that was going to become my problem or responsibilty. I had started going back to school at night on top of my full time job at that same time, so there was no way even if I wanted to help her. She knew that. But going on 13 years later, she decides to still hold that against me, accusing me of "pushing them away" like I neglected her and her kids. Meanwhile, lets not harp on her Baby Daddy who actually did ignore them for years..but she chooses to suddenly dump on the Stepmom that she didnt always accept as if I were the father of her kids that ran out, I am not the one who suppposely ruined their lives,,,,,thats all on them to provide for her children....all i want now is for her to leave me alone and accept the consequences of her own choices. I can bet even when her kids are also adults, she will still come at me for "abandoning" them.because I dont love them like my own. .still holding me to duties and expectations that I never agreed to in the first place nor was I aware of. This has been my life in StepHELL
Oooooo. Wait until I share your SD's teen mom bullshit with DW.
DW had SS-32 when she was 16 during the summer between her Jr. and Sr. year of HS. The school administrators tried to pressure her into dropping put of HS and attending the pregnant girl GED program. Nope, she told them to F-off and that she was going to stay in school and graduate with her class. Which she did. With honors.
She worked part time, was a full time mom, and a full time HS student. She lived in an old travel trailer on the end of my IL's house as they told her they would help but she had to support, parent, and care for her baby since she was his mom. A few months before her HS graduation she booted the SpermIdiot out and FIL put a couple of rifle rounds at his feet from a couple of hundreds yards away when he tried to enter their property after DW booted him for cheating. After that he parked across the road from their nearly mile long farm driveway and waited there for DW to get to the end of the driveway for baby transfer.
DW graduated with her class and with honors with a 10mo old on her hip. Then a few months later just after she turned 18 she moved out of State to attend university with a just barely 1yo on her hip. She graduated with a dual major undergrad with honors, grad school with honors, and has had a successful career as a CPA. She graduated from undergrad when SS was 7yo.
Her perspective is that if she can do it, any young woman can. It chaps her ass when they don't then whine and cry and blame others for their lot in life. She is adamant that when a teen has a baby that teen is no longer a kid, is instantly an adult, and has the duty to provide a quality life for themselves and their kid.
My MIL has gotten groused at by a number of her coworkers over the years when they share that their DD or GD is pregant as a teen and quiting school. MIL tries to guide that just because these young women have a kid in their mid teens their lives and opportunities do not have to be forfeit. It is shocking how many times she has heard "Not everyone is like your daugther!" when she shares DW's story.
My ILs did not have the resources to support DW and SS though they did what they could. They provided the travel trailer that they lived in, hooked it to the power, water, and sewer of their home and would set a place at the dinner table for DW and the baby. DW is the eldest of 4 and when SS was born SIL (My IL's youngest) was 5. They had their own kids to finish raising.
Interestingly, when we attended DW's 10th HS reunion a number of people were surprised that DW only had one child. The expectation was that she would have several. By her 20th anniversary I had a number of her classmates tell me how incredible she was in HS including both men and women who had huge crushes on her. Her sibs apparently intimidated by her as are a number of her HS classmates.
I do not find her intimidating in the least. I find her brilliant,beautiful, and scary smart. And... sexy as all get out.
DW is modest, does not like to flaunt her background as a 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom who went on to a successful life, education, careere, and who raised a young man of honor, character, and standing in his life, profession, and community. I wish she would present herself as an example and volunteer in Teen Mom programs to mentor young women going through what she did.
My own mom was a teen mom. She had me at 19. Though she and dad married when she was 17 and he was 19. They went on to a wonderful life, raised decent sons to successful adulthood. My baby brother and I have raised some good kids of our own. Being a young parent does not make one a victim if they refuse to be a victim.
Full disclosure. DW and I met at the beginning of her Uni Freshman year and during my last semester before graduation. We married at the end of her Freshman year when she was 18. We met when SS-31 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. All we had was two apartments full of college kid furniture, two 8yo cars, and my freshly printed BS in Engineering. We made education the primary investment as a family. She went on to complete a dual major undergrad, I finished an MBA, she finished an MBA, and we both hold high level professional certifications and have solid careers.
She did not do it all completely alone. I am blessed and honored to have been at her side as she has kicked ass in her life.
IMHO what sets my DW apart is that she refused to be a victim and a statistic. Even when she was 16 and pregnant.
It sounds as if your SD embraced being a 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom victim rather than stepping up and making a solid life for herself and her children. It is good that you and her father have not bailed her out and have held her to her choices.
When SKids are manipulative
When SKids are manipulative entitled shits, GSkids are more likely than not even worse.
My advice is set the tone
My advice is set the tone from the beginning. Politely decline. Don't agree because it will set a precedent. Be short with the answer and simply say no. If your husband wants to be can elsewhere. Not all grandparents are interested in babysitting. Don't let them get under your skin or cause drama. Just say no.
Yes!
I believe 'No' is a complete sentence!