New Baby & ADHD Vent
So, DH and I just had a little girl, she is 3 months old. And guess what? SD6 loves her new sister! They have a great dynamic already. She was a little unsure at first, but she's embracing her role as big sister.
In a previous blog post, I mentioned her likely having ADHD. I still feel myself pulling away from her and being irritated by *most* of her behaviors. I can't seem to get over this "not my job" sense about her. I feel like I resent her being around. I can't deal with it anymore, and by "it" I mean this overwhelming feeling of dislike. She isn't even especially unlikable, it's the little things that get under my skin.
I find it hard to take a proactive role due to this "not my job" feeling. I fear putting in effort that isn't appreciated, or coming across like I'm trying to be her parent, even though I am her stepmom.
BM and I do not speak. I've been invited to attend gymnastics with BM/her partner and DH... but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
I took care of her daughter for 3 yrs on my weekends by myself... and she, several times, has said dismissive things about me to DH. So we haven't spoken in at least a year... I was fine with her up until that point, and weirdly enough, I feel like I had more issues with SD after that. Go figure. I find it hard to put the effort. Even though I know it isn't about BM, it's about SD and I need to work on my relationship with her.
So, I feel like a bad person. I love my baby more than anything, and I keep wondering when is this going to escalate if I don't get a grip and work on my relationship with SD now? How is it going to affect the dynamic in our household overall? And we plan to have more kids... SD really loves me and I only love her when I'm in the mood... which is hardly ever. (Wow, that feels really bad to admit?)
I'm about to start watching her on the weekends again alone with a baby. But she's helpful with the baby. So I need tips on how we can build our relationship and a healthy respect for one another. I want to treat her like my own daughter, and do what she needs to thrive. When I think of my daughter I certainly want them to have a good relationship... and for her to see I have a good relationship with SD.
Basically I'm a ball of anxiety and I need to see a therapist about this, but I figured I'd at least try and vent... I get worn out so easily when it comes to dealing with SD, but she doesn't deserve for me to not like her, she's just a child. I'm going to do some research on my own about ideas on raising kids with ADHD, and how to teach respect and boundaries in the household but appreciate input in any way from others here...
I feel like she needs a lot more guidance and structure. DH is open to ideas. He agrees she probably has ADHD. My main complaint right now is that she has been judgmental of others, rude to others, and is constantly interrupting/in people's business. She's a little velcro. That's a bit much for me. If I'm really nice to her, she wants to be by me all the time. I feel so bad that I don't want her to be that close to me? I just want us to have rapport and healthy boundaries/expectations.
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Comments
My coworker just recently got
My coworker just recently got diagnosed with ADHD. He slipped under the radar as a kid because he presented as inattentive rather than the hyperactive we commonly think of. But he said the low dose of stimulants he's been put on has made the difference like night and day. If your DH thinks she has ADHD then she needs to be diagnosed and have it managed early rather than have it affect her life and yours.
Do you think the root of your negative feelings regarding SD are because of BM or DH not doing their jobs? For a long time I hated the fact that my SD existed. But she did nothing directly to me, she just existed. But her existence meant that my DH committed financial infidelity to keep BM and SD happy. A series of events where I felt completely undermined and disrespected. It was easy to fall into the trap of "if she didn't exist DH wouldn't have done x,y,z and my life would've been fine". But it was easier to be mad at SD rather than at DH where the blame truly lay.
The only way you are going to
The only way you are going to improve your relationship with SD is by removing the resentment/anger you feel toward her and placing it on the responsible parties: DH and BM. BM and DH are leaving you to do the parenting and treating you like garbage while doing it. That's enough to cause resentment for anyone, but SD doesn't deserve the fallout from that. She isn't the one calling the shots.
BM can find her own childcare and you are allowed to set that boundary. Clearly, if she is making rude comments after you are so graciously helping her, she is one of those types where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.. so don't. Your DH should be supportive in that and he should be coming up with alternatives or stepping up. Your relationship with SD will only improve if BM and DH step up and actually be parents.
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this, specially with a new baby. Firstly, remember that you just had a baby recently so whatever you are feeling might feel much worse due to sleep deprivation, etc etc. Secondly, I agree with others that you need to make sure of your DH actually parenting his child.
However, and some people might not agree with me, I also feel that maybe you need to 'decide' to accept your SD. Because you mentioned that she is actually not bad, she is great with the baby, it seems like you don't have any mayor issues with her ? I was feeling like you at first with my SS because he tend to be a bit loud and tiny bit naughty sometimes but he is not a bad boy yet I started getting quite irritated by him. One day I realised that if he was mine I would probably feel less irritated, like you naturally have more patience with your own kids. You won't ever be happy and at peace if you carry that resentment, the best thing to do is just let it go. Actively work on not feeling like that every day (positive affirmations worked for me), focus on the positive, on the things you like about her, like the way an aunt would do. If she is being irritating or rude or whatever you redirect her to dad.
good luck !
So for 3 years, every weekend
So for 3 years, every weekend, even though you were working, you were the sole caregiver of this child? That's probably a big part of it. I don't know all the details of your situation, such as if you will be staying home with the new baby and not working outside the home, and that's why you will be providing weekend childcare again? But, even if you are staying home, it's a lot to expect you to do. Every weekend, along with your infant? Where is your husband? Where is BM? Who sets the childcare schedule and are you consulted, or just told that you are their babysitter? No wonder you are resentful. I think your resentment is being transferred into dislike of SD.
That is so awesome your SD is
That is so awesome your SD is involved! I'm sure this is a positive dynamic change in your household.
SD11 has nothing to do with our 3 month old. She tries her absolute best to pretend he doesn't exist. DH is stuck in the middle of caring for 2 children that currently don't have a relationship. I am focused 100% on taking care of my baby and also adjusting my expectations.
SD and our newborn are half siblings. Yes, they are related. But it doesn't guarantee a relationship. I think it's totally different from a typical "big sister" role. She also has ADHD. Yes, there are some things about her that she can't control because of her diagnosis. I don't fault her for that. I do fault her for her attitude and all around negativity in the household. She chooses to not change it. Because of this, I remained disengaged from her.
Focus on your little one. At the end of the day, SD has bio parents that should be parenting her. It's not your fault if she has sh!tty parents. They shouldn't make you feel like you have to intervene and make up for their shortcomings.
Why are the weekend
Why are the weekend babysitting shifts yours? This isn't your child. Surely you want to spend bonding time with your baby? Who are you relieving of their duties, bm or your husband? If bm, either say no or tell her you want the going hourly rate, payable upfront. If your husband, then either he changes his working schedule or he changes the visitation schedule. Wait! If he isn't 50-50, there's another solution ... if he can't be there, he doesn't take his visitation.