She wants to start coming back. My anxiety is off the chart!
Those of you who have read my previous posts will know that it's been a horrid journey for us with partner's side of the family - narcassist and alienating BM and two teenage daughters who have zero respect for their dad or his happiness.
We made the decision to stop youngest SD (18)from visiting back in January after many, many failed attempts at trying to help her accept our life, home etc. Ever since, she has been asking to come back (God knows why as she clearly dislikes her dad's life here!?) SD pulled the usual manipulative crap and refused to see her dad outside the house until he "let's her stay as normal every other weekend and every other Thursday" SO has held strong and refused so this meant they didn't see eachother for a month. Fast forward to Feb and they start seeing eachother again - odd day out, dinner etc. I was happy for him and supported this.
BM was straight on the case and has been receiving full maintenance (a whopping £650 a month!) Ever since along with sending the usual nasty and vindictive emails which we have ignored.
As some of you rightly said, this would only be a temporary fix and now she is going to be "joining us for dinner tonight to see how things go" The thought of this is making me feel physically sick with anxiety as I don't want to go back to how I felt at the tail end of last year - broken, angry, upset and uncomfortable in my own home.
I desperately want my SO to have a good relationship with his kids but things have been so peaceful and healthy in our home for over 2 months now.
Conditions of her coming back are: show respect, engage in conversation with all of us, be accepting of our home and our lives and not make nasty comments about anything and if she can't do that - we go back to square 1 again.
How do I play this? Part of me wants to not make things easy and wait for her to show me the respect I deserve tonight - the other part of me wants to run off out so I don't have to face her but I know that I need to be 'the bigger person' and allow her to prove herself..
You're all so helpful and supportive so I am reaching out to gain some perspective in all this.
Your dh needs to be on the
Your dh needs to be on the same page as you. - at the first rude comment or sign of blatant disrespect that he doesn't correct, tell him that you will gather everything up and declare dinner to be over and then say 'well, you're clearly not ready ady for this, SD. Let's try again in a month, shall we?" But he HAS to have your back.
Thank you for the reply. I do
Thank you for the reply. I do believe he will as he knows the score. I hope I am pleasantly surprised for everyone's sake!
She needs to understand this
She needs to understand this is a test for her. Don't hesitate to shut it down if she acts up. Sometimes a stepparent needs to teach the lesson to the skid. As the other adult in your home, you have just as much say as the birth parent. If DH doesn't understand that then you need to make it clear to him that his bad behavior from HIS kid should NEVER affect your health. That means it has gone too far and he needs to fix it. For you.
she's 18? why is she still
she's 18? why is she still doing visitation? just say "I think it would be better to start slowly and to just have a nice night out then we can drop you back home"
She's a very immature 18 year
She's a very immature 18 year old thanks to failed parenting so she still acts and thinks like a 13 year old. She's adamant she wants to come over to our home )-:
At 18 there should not be visitation.
Dinner every now and again. ST. Pats day dinner. Easter. But there should be no over night sleeping schedule. As long as SD respect you and your home it's her right to be a member of the family. You knew this when you got together with a man with kids. It's really not nice to agree with something and go back on it. But you must be respected .. and if she so immature this will go on for a few more years.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your anxiety. With my own SKs, I got to the point of near panic at the thought of interacting with them. It's unnerving and unsettling to be grown person with well established coping skills, and still be thrown off so much by these situations. But this group makes it clear how typical that reaction is. Stay strong.
I feel your pain
I just got my freedom back and feel like I'm still not relaxed because I'm afraid skids will have an emergency where they ask DH if they can live with us again. I hate this feeling, and sometimes wonder if to seal the deal, I should move out of state. I have been seriously considering it.
I feel ya.......that or get a
I feel ya.......that or get a ONE bedroom loft/if they have allergies get hairy pets/if they like quiet time then become a 24/7 TikTok DJ lol!
This site has been my life
This site has been my life line and made me feel like I am part of a tribe..a tribe of women who did nothing wrong other than fall in love with a man who had kids with the devil incarnate *blush* it truly is like a sisterhood that no other woman (unless they are a step mum) would ever understand. Thank heavens for this site! *preved*
Agreed
I've been on for over 10 years and I do feel like this is my only safe space to vent about steplife. I've taken issue with people close to me in the past because they only see it through the bioparent lens and have no idea about our dynamics. When we were asking SS22 to save and leave, I had a friend ask me if I would do the same if it was my son. I told her, if that was my son, he wouldn't have been doing the things that are getting him kicked out in the first place. I also told her that as a mom of DD, I also have her to think about and SS gangbanging, inviting Bloods into my home, smoking weed/popping percs all night was creating an unsafe environment for us to live in. Only steps understand steps for the most part.
Not a woman.
Not a woman.
But, I am big fan of y'all ladies.
Come get your tribe on and take care of you!
SD pulled the usual
GOOD for him.
These kids, who contribute nothing to the household, have the audacity to try to emotionally blackmail their parents for control of how to run their home must be out their minds on the strongest street dr?gs money can buy
Update***
So, SO pulls up on the drive..they are sat in the car for 45 minutes!!? He comes in, "I've tried everything, she's run off twice, I will take her back to her mum's"
"Ok", I say"
He's gone for ages, I'm on the phone to my daughter, he comes in "she would like to apologise"..."ok" I say (stunned!) She comes in, apologised, we talk for over an hour. Bottim line -she thinks I'm trying to "take her dad away" at this point, I become quite upset and implicitly state that has NEVER been the case. Ater an HOUR of me defending myself, SO then say's "shall I take her home?" Wtf?? YOU'RE THE PARENT - YOU make that call!!
He takes her home, an hour later, he turns up..I am just so, so pissed off with all of this. Bloody disney dads!!!
NO and no
My strategy has been to let DH spend as much time with his kids as he wants, but I just don't want to be a part of it. Guess how much time he spends with them?? Barely any. She thinks you're taking her dad away from her? Maybe you can offer him to hang out as much as he wants with her, out of your home. She doesn't get to stay over yet, not until you feel comfortable and at peace with it. She's over 18, acting like a baby and blaming you for idk what exactly? Existing? And yes, you need to let SO know he has to put pressure on her too and ask her how exactly are you trying to take him away?
She's been doing it to herself, and no, you don't owe her anything at all. Not an explanation, nothing. She wanted to apologize....then started accusing you of taking her dad away. No.
I couldn't have put it better
I couldn't have put it better myself - it does feel like I'm being blamed for existing lol!
Yeah F that!
Yeah F that!
If she and Daddy want to hang out...go for it but it won't be in your home. Your home is your sanctuary. And actually, it's a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT for any 18 yo adult to visit.
She doesn't get to dictate when she's coming over, oh no. She waits to be invited by YOU.
And if Daddy can't accept these boundaries you might want to rethink the whole getting married thing. Hopefully he will form a united front with you on this.
Ughhh, this whole thread
Ughhh, this whole thread reminded me of ex SD.
She was very similar to this girl....crying, so dramatic, running off etc (and this was at age 21-22).
Once, after a family wedding where she had got hammered and made a spectacle of herself, when we all got back to Grandma's house where we were staying, she leapt out of the car and ran down the street wailing and crying (it was 1am) shouting that Daddy doesn't love me etc etc....I'm sure she woke up half the neighborhood with her dramatics!
Thank you to everyone for the
Thank you to everyone for the support and feedback - I honestly can't articulate how much comfort it is!
Being with a "nice man" certainly has it's drawbacks. I have booked a counselling session next Wednesday to help us work through recent events - our counsellor is ace and will certainly not hold back with her thoughts on the situation lol.
It is funny how life twists and turns sometimes..through all of this I left my longstanding job as a Manager (which I hated) to work in mental health and alongside that I am training to become a qualified therapist and finally feeling fulfilled in my career so in a way, this whole situation has been a big life lesson for me. They do say people come into your life to teach you something!
Being an xStepmom...
... I now have the Experience equivalent of a PhD in toxic, narcissistic, multi-generational bullsh*t.
-Dr. StepUltimate
No doubt you do.... Doc.
No doubt you do.... Doc.
Which poised a thought in my cranium.
We hear regularly that personality disordered people and families are what they are. That indicates to me that SpermGrandHags disorder was far less durable than my superiority complex. So, maybe my disorder is far more durable than hers? Maybe?
She quit her crap. I think that our zero tolerance and continous battling of her toxicity, PAS, etc, finally either cured her or at least beat her into submission.
When SS launched successfully into adulthood and beyond her control and spere of manipulation, then asked me to adopt him, I think that finally gutted her.
See, I am so good that I cured her. I'm so helpful.
WEll this site
should provide you with loads of knowledge of phychosis