I am broken - Life in ZombieLand
I always tell myself to blog on this site but the amount of events that happen to me in relation to StepLife are so vast that I am unable to find time to sit and document it
Today, I am in a really dark place. Actually its been a few months but I think today may be that I am in a deep hole....Kind of where I was back in 2017 after experiencing physical and mental abuse from OSS22 (a teenager back then)
I am sitting in bed after work....I took a nap...while napping, my husband was next to me talking to his ex wifes son.
Backstory:
This all started 16years ago....
BM1 cheated on my husband with his friend who was a heroin addict(welcome to the Jerry Springer show) and living with them while my husband was helping him get on his feet. One day my husband came home from work and she was gone with the kids and Heroin Addict + all the furniture. She filed for divorce and moved across states and cities in hiding. My husband was tracking the children through school enrollments and it took him 9months to find them.
After a year of elopment and filing for divorce from my husband, BM1 got pregnant with HeroinAddict child and had a shotgun wedding while 6months pregnant. Five months later, she called my husband and asked him to help her have Heroin Addict removed from the home as she was filing for divorce. My husband made up with his friend Heroin Addict after he saw his state (hadnt been bathing and addiction got worse)...He wished him well and dropped him off to the Greyhound to go back to his family. A few days later, Heroin Addict shot himself in the head in a hotel room where he was fueling his habit.
By this time, my husband was able to get visitation and BM1 was sort of engaging with him (desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose). My husband would pick up his children but her child would feel left alone so he started picking him up as well out of pity and feeling bad because his father passed away.
The child was a REAL PIECE OF WORK. You could say he is definitely the product of addiction although they claim that his mother did/does not do any drugs only the father.
So of course, this brings us to the current situation
I meet my husband and he tells me he has 2 kids in the beginning (or at least that is what I understood). A few months later as we are dating, I randomly bring up the fact that he has 2 kids and he corrects me saying that he has 4kids....Im shocked and sort of taken aback. 4kids....That IS a lot for someone like me in their mid 20s and no children/exes. I voice my concerns but he says "dont worry, my kids are happy with their mothers and I have no plans of changing our agreement".
I finally meet the children as we are coming close to becoming officially engaged and married. I count 5....who is this extra child? I am told he is BM1s child that is sometimes picked up with his siblings so he doesnt feel left out. Oh ok....not a problem
He then stages this thing where his kids beg me to marry him and be with him as some sort of cute proposal...I thought it was cute at the time how the children came as a group and were begging for me to say yes. I was extremely hesitant but who can say no to the face of angels (or so I thought) who seem to really love me for their dad
WRONG
The first official visitation after this, we went swimming at a lake. I was holding water and giving it to the children. HeroinAddictChild asks for some water and I oblige. He then opens the container and dumps it in the water to my shock and horror....I look at him and ask why would he dump our drinking water in the lake on a hot summer day? And he smirks and giggles. I ask him sternly to hand me the bottle back but he throws it...I am upset and annoyed but think maybe this is just a child so I say firmly quit playing with drinking water or else we are going home and no more swimming.
We are on our way back and drop them off....20min later, BM1 calls and has a fit of rage calling me all kinds of names and saying that I threatened to drown her son and i was going to kill him. I explain that I never did that and my husband seems to believe me but tries to appease BM1. BM1 says no one should tell her child what to do because he is a baby and doesnt know any better (5years old at the time). I capitulate and say ok
Over the years, the child grows up to be more and more problematic and whenever we tell him anything, his response is "you arent my dad/mom"
We are now married and the child comes over whenever he is bored or doesnt want to be alone without siblings or BM1 is out and about. The child constantly lies and acts up. I finally tell my husband that I am no longer comfortable being left alone with the child because he constantly lied about me. I helped him shower once and he told his mother later on that I was looking at him while he was naked in the bathroom...I was very uncomfortable with this accusation
My husband also started believing things here and there. While he would be at work, i would be left with the children sometimes and would have to punish bad behavior. I would often punish HeroinAddictChild in Time Out or remove video games
HeroinAddictChild is now 16yo...He has indulged in drugs since 12yo and smokes weed every day. I have tried to make 2 CPS reports but I was told that the child was not in danger and his mother was not responsible for him indulging in drugs although she and her brother provide drugs regularly.
BM1 has had a string of men in and out of her life and is now broke after a decade of sex work and pornography (apparently it does not pay enough) so they live off hot pockets and macncheese. No groceries, no job. Also the child hasnt ever been in school properly and has no life skills (like his 2 other siblings)
I do not want to have HeroinAddictChild around and I dont like him at all. I feel that because he isnt my husbands bio child, it shouldnt be our problem and let BM1 raise him. He creates a lot of issues within the family and household but my husband thinks its all my fault and I am hateful to his children
After 10years, I cannot add more burden to my heavy load. My husband has yelled and insulted me because I made disparaging comments when he came over for Spring Break with BM2s children. BM2 also does not like him and doesnt want her children around him. I saw him arrive and said "BM1 isnt going to parent for Spring Break I guess"...
Spring Break has been a disaster because my husband continued to push my buttons and argue me because I called him "BM1s son" and he said i should refer to him as his son...
Now my husband has asked me to move out or rent my own place and leave him parenting in peace because he wants to help out HeroinAddictChild by moving him in...Ironically, all his bio children are now aged out except the last one who is 15yo...When OSS22 (his sibling) moved in with us, I nearly lost my mind... BM1s children are very uncouth and love conflict and opposition
I am very annoyed but I understand that I have no place in this household...Anyone can replace me....Even the love child of a Heroin Addict and a Sex Worker....
I devoted a decade of my life to a hateful family...
Of course, I wont move out...I didnt work all these years to have a home and a life so someone elses child can come around and move in
I also realize that my husband has 0 love for me....He has told me that he doesnt want to end the marriage "only because of how long it lasted" but he wants me to be on board and supportive in his "parenting" of someone elses child. BM1 is thinking of moving to a cheaper city. She gets life insurance money and annuity for HeroinAddictChild but its only $900.00 and she gives him money here and there which he uses to buy drugs/uber to drug spots...
I believe my husband is deeply in love with BM1 and would like to support her and keep a bond with her by helping with her child. He claims its untrue but lets be honest....Which man would take care of a child who belongs to a cheating friend/ex? He puts more energy with this child than his own biochildren
He spend 4 days arguing with me but the YSS15 is sitting outside in the garage completely alone every day while he hangs out with HeroinAddictChild16
Idk where im going with this....is this normal? My husband claims I am crazy to refuse that HeroinAddictChild16 is his "adopted son" (not legally because BM1 wouldnt get life insurance/annuity for the child) and I should get with the program. They also say that the child was there before me and I dont matter....
I know this is all a mess and I wish I could see a solution out. I am the architect of my own misery and I have no one else to blame but myself
- 1st3rd5thWEInHell's blog
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Comments
Oh ok....not a problem???
Oh ok....not a problem??? Really?
I would get an attorney, get all of your ducks in a row, clear out the cash, investments, and empty the house so he can re-live what happened to him when BM1 left him for her crack head suicide XH.
Then force the sale of the house and take as much of that as well.
Why stay in this shit puddle of a gene pool while your DH tells you he is only not divorcing you because of how long you have been married?
Take care of you. Get out of there
Staying out of stubornness is not living your best life. Stop doing that to yourself.
Rags its crazy but I believe
Rags its crazy but I believe I am abnormal or have deep seeded issues to stay in this. I am afraid of divorce and failure...because I was raised conservative, I cannot accept failing at marriage....I am someone who waited to get married and the whole thing....In the end, i made the worst choice on earth
We have 0 common assets as the 1st BM liquidated him and the 2nd BM finished him off. For a long time, we were in a scarce financial situation but I always tried to make the best out of it. Now since 2020, his financial situation is decent and I forcefully retreated from helping with bills...This is where the problem happens...I got medical issues in 2021 and I am now not financially well enough to be on my own (fate often plays some strange tricks in my life) so I rely on him financially. If divorce should happen, i cannot move back with family and financially burden them (they are struggling as well)
Taking half only works with men who have money and power unfortunately
But you are absolutely correct, i am wasting away in this family with a person who hates me
I cannot accept failing at
I cannot accept failing at marriage....
Oh, hon. You are not failing. Your H is failing you on multiple levels. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. {{{HUGS}}}
@Aniki - thank you for your
@Aniki - thank you for your support...Idk if wisdom can help when you make dumb decisions like I did
My father told me before marriage that one should think 100,000 times before they use a knife to take a stab. I just wish I had thought a bit more instead of feeling...
Every single once of us has
Every single once of us has made dumb decisions. I've made some doozies! We live, we learn. Knowledge is power. You know more now than you did a week, month, decade ago. Think about who you want to be, want you want, and make plans.
Your father is right for the most part. I have a coworker who met her husband, he proposed that night, and they married 2 weeks later. They have been married 40+ years, have 2 children, and several grandchildren. Sometimes a leap of faith works, too.
Aniki is absolutely right.
Aniki is absolutely right. This is not your failure.
There are situations where the fault of a failed marriage is one sided.
I consider my own divorce to be one of those. No kids. Blessedly. I too refused to be divorced. Fortunately my serially adulterous XW played the D card which unfettered me to rediscover the man I like being and to get on with my best life. For that, as much as I have no use or respect for her, I am appreciative.
DW's relationship with the Spermidiot is another one I would attest as a not her fault relationship demise. She booted him when he cheated with yet another 16yo not long after she graduated from HS at 17 with SS (then less than 1yo) on her hip.
Do not condemn yourself to a life of misery married to this POS who is failing to deal with his failed family baggage. Marriage partners are to be partners for each other a man cleaves to his wife. He does not expect his wife to be the beck and call girl abuse victim of his shit gene pool and his shit self. No man should let that bond tear assunder. He is tearing it apart. Which makes him even that much more pathetic and a POS.
Even conservatives with traditional dedication to marriage do not have to live a life of misery with a mistake of a mate.
He is the mistake. You are not.
Thanks for your comforting
Thanks for your comforting words Rags. I wish I had been more awake like you were and ended things as early but I kept trying to repair things and when I finally woke up, it was no longer within reach to leave....
I wish I had done this in my 20s but I was afraid of embarrassment and I thought anything can be repaired smh You live and learn (I literally did that)
I would not have to be asked
I would not have to be asked more than once to move away from the $hitshow! You deserve better.
I used to think I did but
I used to think I did but over the years, I started coming to terms with the fact that this is some sort of karma for something I did now or in a past life...I truly believe I am being punished in some way because every time there is a solution or a way out, the doors suddenly close and I remain prisoner of the situation by my own volition...
karma? My ass.
There is only failing to take direct action. Stop that.
Take care of you.
Nothing is worth this nightmare.
Nothing about this is normal
Nothing about this is normal or ok. Do you have kids? If not, what keeps you there? I know it's easy to figure out other people's problems and not our own, but if your DH is actually telling you to move out....is it financial? Does he pay all the bills? It's bad enough dealing with 4 skids, but BM's cheat baby from another babydaddy with behavior problems is more than anyone can bear.
I am glad to be validated.
I am glad to be validated. They kept gaslighting me into saying that its not normal to refuse an extra child from another man when there are already 4 steps...My husband says I am a very cruel and evil woman who hates children....I dont have kids and he tells me its my punishment for the way I treated his children and my evil character....According to him, only an evil person can be disliked by children
I explained a bit in my response to Rags why I am staying. He does pay all the bills NOW and my situation has changed.
When I was able to walk away, I was staying and fighting for the marriage but now I regret doing that....
My DH used to babysit Spawn.
My DH used to babysit Spawn. Spawn is BioHo's affair child. 'Ho was cheating on DH, got preggers, then wanted a divorce. Same story: Spawn would come over with the SSs because she supposedly screamed the house down when they left for weekend visitation. The reality is that 'Ho got a free babysitter and could go out 'hoing all weekend. That ended when DH and I got together because I refused to deal with Spawn (she was spoiled rotten) and DH was tired of brat-sitting.
It has nothing to do with you not wanting to be around that kid. He sounds like a train wreck. And you are certainly not cruel or evil. Your H is a gaslighting mental midget who expects you to kowtow to his ridiculous demands. I'd like to give your so-not-D H a Double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. *diablo*
You and me together lol trust
You and me together lol trust me
Well at least your husband was tired of babysitting and put you first. Mine is completely refusing to not have him over. I offered for him to hang out a few times a week without having to come and sleep over in my home but my husband said I was an evil B for suggesting that and I am controlling his life and getting in the way of his parenting time....
They all do this so they can have free time, especially if the other father isnt in the picture....
Now we just had another huge argument and he told me that he was going to move out with his ex wifes child since I.am not.ok for him to move in....He says he has enough money to pay double rent if it can help out HeroinAddictChild....I didnt know we were this rich smh
Sounds like he has plenty of
Sounds like he has plenty of money to pay you alimony. The big ol' poopie head.
Wait, he's willing to move
Wait, he's willing to move out and continue paying for the place you live in? (Say tearfully) "If that's what you think is best...I'll miss you!"
Sounds a bit sketchy...
Sounds a bit sketchy... *scratch_one-s_head*
You're not to blame at all.
You're not to blame at all. These are my thoughts on your situation :
Your husband is an @$$. This right here is the biggest thing. He's putting his ex and her kid in front of his wife and family. He isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all and he's trying to bully you into accepting the situation. He's cruel and he is insulting. He's gaslighting you. No one deserves to be treated this way.
This kid has problems. Major problems. Any sane person would not be able to tolerate him for long. You are not wrong for wanting to keep him out of your house. Don't let anyone tell you different.
I don't see this relationship working unless your husband has a real come to Jesus meeting. From what you are saying, it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. I know it's easy to say when you are on the outside but I would be making plans to exit.
AlmostGone you understood
AlmostGone you understood very well and made me feel like I was not crazy in the way you summed up things....
We just had a big convo and it erupted in a huge fight. Apparently, he is going to move out and rent a second place for HeroinAddictChild16 to live with him. He is already paying rent for $600/month for OSS22 who cant keep a job....I asked him if we had gotten some form of jackpot from the lottery or an inheritance but he said he has enough money to pay for all of this....weird
And this kid isn't even his
And this kid isn't even his to be a problem. Not bioligically, not even as a Skid.
For damned sure this shit spawn is not the OPs problem.
If you are asking ...
You must be in your mid 30's? You are still young and have so much life in front of you. Way too young to be caring for kids in this sort of situation. If you are financially dependant on your husband due to health issues- you should be able to recieve alimony. Staying home and caring for kids comes at a cost to your social security, retirement savings, and career. That is why alimony is there...to help you get on your feet. A consult with an attorney would be well worth your time, it certainly cound't hurt because what you are living though is unsustainable. It is clearly causing your mental health to decline and I'm going to bet that it also is impacting your health. I've had my health impacted for the past three years due to the stress of my SD and my DH's inability to modify her behavior. Getting away from this stress might improve your health. If you own your home, he would need to buy you out from the equity (depending on which state you are in). I woudn't leave until the divorce is final (if you go that route and own the home).
Take care of you....you have been taking care of other people's children at your expense. You will be ok if you go...you got this.
Your SO is a pice of work
As long as he does what he wants it's all ok. Life doesn't work that way . You are an adult, you get to do what you want. If you don't want an exter child in your life. He's out of it. If DH gives you the him or me story. DH can go live with exter kid at motel 6 .
You don't need a drug brain kid who didn't develop right in your life.
'It's call the exit plan. Going to a lawer to see your rights. Saving money,,
GTFO
Get thee to a lawyer! Find out what your options are.
If he has cashola to move out, then there might be something to work with.
Youve posted that you have been in a dark place. Me too. My dark place has been relational aggression from small minded small towners. Plus menopauseal changes...
((hugs))
Please seek help, therapy, AND a lawyers opinion
As rags sais "take care of you.
None of this is normal, you are not evil, and your husband is a jerkwad who deserves the suffering hes going to get.
I devoted a decade of my life
Devote the next decade to yourself before this man and his emotional baggage traumatize you even further
Here are the two things you need to do now:
Here are the two things you need to do now: make appointments with the three best divorce attorneys in town and get consults so you know where you stand, and find a therapist. You need to understand exactly what you would get in a divorce, and it sounds like you could get alimony, at least for awhile. You also need a therapist to help you understand that you do not deserve any of this and to help you find the strength to leave.
You are right, your DH still has feelings for his ex. You are wrong in that you have done something, in this life or in the past, to deserve this kind of treatment. Your DH is absolutely in the wrong in every aspect of this situation.
I know it is hard, but have you tried reaching out to your family for support? While they might judge you - would they also be willing to help?