Guidance requested.

Some background.

I have shared for many years that I am married to a stunning woman.  She is tall (5'11"), very beautiful, and shapely.  To cut to the chase.... BOOBS!!!!!  On a side note... I am historically not a boob guy.   Tall, yep. But my default "type" is not usually boob forward.  That said... she has a rack.  Not massive, but definately large. 36 DDDD or 36 G as I understand the whole chick boob size thing.  And yes, I just went and looked in her bra drawer.  That was fun.  She is very proportionate in shape.  For reference, my XW was the same height but an A cup if she was even that.  My first fiance was tall (5'9"-ish) and also an A cup if she was even that.  I do not pick dates of only the tall variety. I have dated tiny petitie women, shortish curvy women, the Amazon pricesses, and everywhere in between.

But I digress with the distracting boob and "type" topic.

Since not long after she started at her current firm there have been some instances of some men who go silent during stand up conversations when she walks by.  They seem to engage with everyone else in her department but say next to nothing to my DW.  Side eye up and downs, overt up and down glances, etc.. She will say hello and make eye contact and not get any response.  As soon as she gets past, whispered comments ensue.  THe same stuff happens fairly often in meetings, etc.....  She is a partner track manager and very sought out for challenging clients, hightly complex analysis situation, talent development, etc...  

Last week as she was walking by two men (A staffer and a partner) the staffer whispered towards her under his breath "Boom, boom, boom.".  The partner took no notice of it or ignored it.   The boom, boom, boom guy has creeped her out a few times in the past.  She has been processing and recycling the incident repeatedly to get comfortable that she did not misinterperet the event.

I have told her several times to trust her perception and to not undermine herself by over anylizing.  She did speak with her boss about it keeping the names to herself to not force a mandatory reporting situation onto her boss.

This AM I was doing some reading which included an article that included information on an instinctual brain capability that we have to know when we are being stared at.  I gave it to DW to read.  My intent was to be supportive and to highlight that she needed to trust herself and not undermine and torture herself with the adnauseum repeated detail disection of the sitaution, her behaviors, etc....  She read it, keyed on how it supported her instincts on the sequence of events leading up to the boom, boom, boom incident. Then she started down a repeat of the situation in even more detail than we had previously  and repeatedly discussed. 

At a lull in her commenting I interjected that she has a tendency to second guess herself at an increasingly intense level when processing upsetting things related to the actions of others.

What did she do to cause it?  What if she had done XYZ instead of LMNOP? etc.. that  that often progresses into... Why me?  

When I pointed out her starting to go into an undermining herself cycle I made a major error.  She proceeded to get very quiet and poised then told me "You want me to talk then you shut me down!"  Not my intention by any means but I certainly agree that I do in fact do that.   I reset, started pulling teeth to get her to continue with her train of thought, and an hour + later we have discussed through both her increasingly detailed dive into the boom, boom, boom event and my regrets regarding "cutting her off".

Historically if I engage in the conversation and we have a discourse, it can drive the "You don't listen." point.  If I listen intently but do not say anything, I get "You are not saying anything and you are ignoring me."

Man-brain brain farts cause problems.  Even when being supportive, or at least when I think I am being supportive, the man-brain brain fart law of unintended consequences seems to show up for payment.

What is the balance I need to be aware of?    

My intent is not to upset her. My intent is to particpate supprtively in her personal coping process.  

What is the balance?  What is the right way engage in these situation?

At this point, the question she is processing through is to make a formal HR complaint, or not.  Boom, boom, boom guy is recently married to someone else who works at the firm.   DW is now torturing herself on the what if related to that.  She is torturing herself about the what if making a complaint jeopardizes her standing and the opinion of her coworkers and the partners.

I have told her that only she can make the decisiont to make an HR complaint.  I have also advised her to be direct when these things occur and immediately say something to the individual when it happens. "That is not appropriate nor appreciated. If it happens again we will be having a talk with the partners and HR."  

DW is now in her map her path through the office to avoid pinch points, the department where these things usually happen, and only go to the break room when no one is in there stage.  Historically she internalizes, avoids addressing these things assertively, and goes down a stress, health, and anxiety cycle before she goes all professional and assertive on the person in question.

At past jobs she has always been applauded when she plants her flag and goes after the problem.  Her leaders and her peers tend to thank her for addressing the problem behaviors from the problem person.  Invariably, the problem person leaves.

In her 25+ year professional career this has happened about 3 times.  The first time was a woman coworker who apparently considered my DW a threat and as competition.  The second time was not work related but with my BIL2's bovine bride. Now we are dealing with Mr. Boom, boom, boom.

Is there anything y'all see that I can change to tune out adding to her being upset or is this just part of the solution cycle progression?  Or......?

Thanks in advance.

Update:  I must not have screwed up too badly because now I am getting lots of smiles, hugs, and obvious appreciation.  Never mind... I guess.  I don't know.