Finished with it all
I've woken up in pure mama bear mode, I'm finished having the pi$$ taken out of me.
the micromanaging is stopping, I don't care if daughter 5 is not used to our rules and how things are done. It's 2 seperate houses and it's the adult's responsibility to support her in this.
im No longer cooking; I'm making 1 thing and if it's not eaten cool. Im no longer doing hair, clearly it's just expected of me and taken for granted, I do it's because I want to help not because I have to. The trust is completely gone with the 5 yr old, my 2 yr old is not feeling scared in her own house any longer and I'm not loosing sleep over it, I didn't choose to act this way so why should I loose sleep wondering if something else is going to happen. Mum is not putting any responsibility onto me for this at all, daughter 5 has a mum and dsd if they don't parent effectively it's not my problem but it won't be rubbing off onto my daughters so they can visit else where. And that's a consequence of the lack of parenting nobody else's fault. Dh is brilliant, try's to communicate with the kids get to the bottom of issues, support them. Bm is just enebaling bad behaviour so she can deal with the aftermath I did not create this madness so I'm not dealing with it. I offered to help but it's just getting taken for granted as id I'm expected to. My kids come first I'm there mum and nobody else's... thoughts? Am I taking the wrong approach here?
Sounds like you are fed up. I
Sounds like you are fed up. I also go through this. I tend to care too much which is my akilles heel. Super hard to not care more than the bio parents for me! I used to do everything. Now DH does and I just remind him sometimes. Focus on your little ones and leave SD to dad to deal with and parent. I have made my DD3 so busy with her little early education and extracurricular activities (which she loves) I barely have time to worry about the skids. I pack my babies in the car and leave DH to take them/deal wherever they need to go/do while I happily focus on my little ones.
I think you have your
I think you have your priorities right. Take care of your own children and let your DH take care of his. I would actually take this a little further and block BM on your phone, social media, and email (and any other way she has of getting in touch with you). If she has anything to say, let her say it to her co-parent and that is not you.
It's clear that these girls
It's clear that these girls are not ready to be unsupervised.. and since one is your child.. you have to make sure that YOU are watching that child. SD who is 5.... is not a mature grown person.. and clearly struggles with the fact that she doesn't have much access to her father.
In a case like this.. I would not advocate not having visitation with dad.. but I would set the bar higher for DAD to be supervising the visits. I would also be expecting him to figure out a way where both girls are safe.. and right now, sharing a room is making your daughter vulnerable.. so maybe for visitations.. something else is figured out at your home. Cameras with motion sensing at night.. so dad can check on both girls if there is movement.
I mean.. my DH's grandkids live with their bio parents who are still together.. and the older brother can be a complete and total turd to the younger one.. and that is about the same age difference.. and my brother and I both have scars from each other.. I don't think it's reasonable to expect kids to NEVER have any kind of conflict or dust up.. but your DH needs to show that his daughter understands the right from wrong.. and has learned to control her negative feelings.
You are correct
It's your house. You are the queen of your home. Your rules go. You are in CONTROL of your home , No one tells you what to do, in fact you tell other what to do. If BM wants to control your home and life..NO. If DH can't figure out how to parent. [ see two. You are the queen and will tell him]. His DD 5 will go by your rules . She the child ,you are the adult and gets respect.
DH is failing as a parent. His failer as a parent, is causing you this problem. He should be putting his ex and DD in there place. BM to stop talking to him and text if she to tell him something. And DD that she a child and goes along as a child does. Him playing games is causing all of this. Him not punishing his DD. is telling her it's ok to continue her game. You have a DH Problem
Not wrong at all. However,
Not wrong at all. However, if you are making this your hill to die on you have to make sure DH is clear that you will defend the safety and best interests of your two at all costs and as their father, he has to do the same by keeping his failed family 5yo under control.
If he can do that and the 5yo's behaviors stabilize and normalize to a level that you trust, maybe integrating the Skid back into the full meal deal family dynamic in your household can happen.
It could happen, but I wouldn't hold my breath is I was you.
IMHO