Carolyn Hax advice is so right!
From the Carolyn Hax advice column in the Washington Post:
Dear Carolyn: I am in the middle of a divorce, and my 13-year-old son is being, frankly, a brat about it. I get that divorce is hard on kids, but it’s hard on the adults, too, and I’m losing my patience with him.
The big issue right now is we have both agreed that we will allow him to decide whom he’s going to live with during the week (he’ll live with the other on weekends). This decision needs to be made soon, and he is flat-out refusing to decide. My soon-to-be ex and I are both at a loss on how to get a decision out of him. Any suggestions?
— DivorcingI am going to hope with all of my hope cells that you wrote this in a fit of exasperation and would like nothing more than to retract it. But in case you’re standing by it:
Divorcing: No, you did not just call him a brat. No no no.
“It’s hard on the adults, too”?!
Your son had no say in the dissolution of his home and family. That is traumatic.
The say you are giving him, over which parent he will live with for more of his days than the other, is also traumatic. It is not a favor to a child of any age to make him choose one parent over the other. Do you have any concept of the guilt he will carry if he does make this choice on his own?
I back him 100 percent in not bowing to the pressure to make a decision that is beyond his maturity level.
You and your soon-to-be ex need to make this decision, now, egos aside, based on what you can agree is best for your son. Whether it’s admitting one of you is better at school-week parenting than the other; or has the better house, district or access to his friends; or the shorter distance to his favorite activity: Just grow the erf up and do it. If you can’t, then enter mediation to do it. Anything but dumping that weight on your already traumatized kid. Or expecting him to handle it like you or any adult would.
Then apologize in your heart for the brat thing. Because, wow.
Readers’ thoughts:
· As a teacher, I would beg for thinking through what will make his school days the best — shorter commute, access to the best school, more friends, easier access to fun after-school activities, more support at home with homework. Your son is going through so much — you don’t want his schoolwork or friendships to suffer unnecessarily.
I hope you and his other parent grow up quickly. He will be leaving home in a few years, and you don’t have long to get this right. Your letter implies you don’t understand the needs of kids/teens and don’t have a habit of putting him first.
· I would not normally think it was a bad idea to give a 13-year-old a choice in what is his own life. But if he is refusing to decide, well, that is indicative of overwhelm, right?
· I’m a divorce lawyer. Consult a good, reputable mental health professional for help with this decision. But Carolyn is spot on: Whatever you do, take this burden off your son’s too-young shoulders and tell him that — NOW.
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Comments
Selfish!
Clearly, the divorcing couple are currently so self-involved that they are blind to the trauma they’re causing their son. Referring to the boy as a ‘brat’ because he is fraught over a decision that’s far beyond his maturity level is like adding insult to injury. Why am I not surprised that the parents are divorcing?
A thirteen-year-old has a lot to content with already; puberty and shifting from middle to high school (in most cases) without the added stress of having his domestic life shattered. Good for Carolyn Hax for, hopefully, opening the mother’s eyes to the damage she is inflicting on her child.
Idiot aprents not only
Idiot aprents not only allowing but expecting a 13yo to choose. So, go 50/50 (EOW) Mon-Sun with each parent alternating. Use the address of the who lives in the best school district.
For damned sure I would not tolerate being the parent who has EWE and no life other than work and kid. Nor would I tolerate my X getting every weekend off from kid duty.
Kids are flexible. They bounce. So, stipulate and enforce standards of behavior and performance that the kid and both adults will be held to. The whole kid coddling what about the kid and their school and friends....
Families move all of the time. Kids start at new schools all of the time. They make new friends all of the time.
Society makes the new schools and new friends associated with divorce into something that IMHO it does not have to be. It really is no different from the school and friends perspective than a family move. Though certainly it is traumatic from the disolution of the nuclear family perspective.
If there are established standards of performace and standards of behavior, kids tend to navigate a divorce far better than kids raised in cater to the kid, coddling, kids make the choices families. Which in all liklihood is in large part why the family failed in the first place. Non viable adults, abdicating their adult decsions to their children.
In this case, the 13yo is not a brat. The 13yo lost the parent lottery both on the material and the paternal side. The only sort of good news, is that this kid is only 5-ish years from moving behind his idiot parents.
IMHO, there is no doubt that both mommy and daddy are total and absolute morons.
"Pick who you want to live with!" What dumbass does that to their child. Better for a bottom 10%er of the legal profession in the idiot Harry Potter robes slinging the Fisher-Price wooden toddler's hammer setting the CP, NCP, and visitation schedule than putting this on a kid.
When divorcing mom and dad are both viable adults and reasonable, then collaborating effectively on what is best for the kid(s) is possible. When they are neither, that kid is screwed.
Guess the parents thought
Guess the parents thought letting him choose who he wants to live with would give him some say/choice over the whole matter but didn't realize he became overwhelmed with said choice
Also they call him a "brat" bc he's acting out due to his life being dramatically changed and there's nothing much he can do about it plus he probably doesn't have the maturity/emotional intelligence to cope in a more constructive way ... he's only 13 not 31.
The only thing he can control is his behavior which he acts ''bratty' probably as a means of getting much needed attention during this time.
I wouldn't be shocked if this kid was raised by the nanny/grandparents/etc. while in custody of the parents.
Sadly, these parents have no
Sadly, these parents have no business thinking. Obviousloy they also don't think.
What idiot gives adult decisions to a 13yo?
This poor kid is so screwed.
Geez. What kind of a parent
Geez. What kind of a parent wouldn't recognize the awful position that type of decision puts their child in? And to call him a brat? Gross.
Parents put their kids in the
Parents put their kids in the middle of adult decisions and wonder why the kids are screwed up. If the kid is, in fact, a brat, it's not due to his refusal to make this particular decision. But with parents like that, i wouldn't be surprised if he has some behavioral or emotional problems that make him difficult. They will both start dating, probably expecting new partners to put up with their own enmeshment and all kinds of behaviors from the kid, and the poor sucker will be on here posting asking if they are a bad person.
Good grief!
Awful. Just awful.
When I was a teen, parents of a friend of mine divorced. She had an older sister in college and a much-younger sister who, they decided, would stay with mom. They told my friend she could choose with whom she would live. As mom was moving to another part of the state, she chose dad. Didn't want to move away from school and friends. Mom flipped out, crying and yelling at my friend. Friend ended up going through a rough time for a while thanks to the trauma, but eventually became an army nurse and has had a good life. I've never forgotten how that affected her and how badly her mom handled it.
When SS was about 8, he told his mom he wanted to change the schedule (wanted to trade on Saturday instead of Sunday). As usual, BM said it was fine with her and left it up to DH to make the call. His answer? A flat "no." He told her, "there is no way in hell I'm letting a child have any say in custody. We make those decisions. He does not and should not have that responsibility or power."
Your DH is s rockstar.
Your DH is s rockstar. Jerking a knot in BM's tail with just the right message.