SS Behavioral Issues
The title right up there, is the bane of my existence. So many problems. I've ranted a bit on here about them before. SS6 (about to be 7) is FINALLY diagnosed with ADHD as of the beginning of this month. SS has now been taking medication for roughly 2 weeks and so far... it helps a little. No miraculous change. I've had a hunch that there is another diagnosis we are missing due to his anger outbursts and disrespect which can sometimes turn into aggression if the wind blows just right. SS will be going to counseling soon to address other issues.
Let's talk about today. SS plays hockey and was gone most of morning/afternoon. He comes home and DH sends him immediately to his room. I stay with my two little ones, DD2 and my infant son, during these practices and games so I had no idea why. Honestly it could be anything because SS is constantly acting out so it wasn't surprising to me.
Time goes on and he is allowed to come out and play with the other kids... which doesn't go well because of his behaviors and he constantly instigates my 2 year old. I'm not saying my DD is a Saint, she's freaking 2 so that's somewhat expected, but when DD plays with SS she gets aggressive and is learning negative traits from SS. DD does not act this way around anyone else, only towards SS.
Later SS starts talking to DD in a nasty tone along the lines of "get off of me" when she tried holding his hand nicely. SS has problems keeping his hands to himself and respecting personal space. So I looked at him and said, "Do you know you're the reason your sister acts like that towards you? She's learning what you don't want her to do to you from YOU. Why would she play differently when you're constantly doing it to her! Why is it okay when you put your hands on others in an unwanted way, but you get mean with a 2 year old when she does the same thing back to you?! You're supposed to help teach her right from wrong as a big brother, but all you've taught her is to DO the wrong things!"
I was upset with SS so I pulled DH aside and said I'm so tired of this, SS has been mean and rude since the moment he came out of his room. DH decides to tell me why SS was sent to his room immediately after his Hockey tournament....
After the tournament was over, DH and SS were in the locker room with the rest of the team/families getting ready to leave. One of the parents wanted to raise money for better goalie equipment and asked if all of the other parents would pitch in x amount of money to do so. DH responds "I'm down". SS then PUNCHES DH in the FACE. Because he was mad. He was mad because he thought DH said no. Which doesn't sound remotely the same at all. Even IF DH declined the request that gives NO RIGHT for an almost 7 year old boy to punch his father in the face! In front of everyone too!
After learning this information I said... sooo he's definitely grounded right?! That is absolutely unacceptable behavior. DH says oh yeah he lost X, Y, and Z for a week. I tell DH that it doesn't sound like SS is grounded. Grounded means (in my opinion) going no where but home and school for the week. So I also mentioned how that would mean sports as well. DH responds well SS will go to his Hockey practices and games for the week still. WHAT?! Why on earth is he allowed to have a privilege to do an extracurricular activity after punching someone in the face????
SS usually video chats BM every night before bed, so I tell DH he should probably inform BM about the incident before SS tries to spread misinformation or lie about what occurred. DH sent a message and BM replied "I'll attempt to talk to SS about it". Attempt?! Who am I kidding, I didn't expect any form of parenting from her, it's no surprise.
SS always has the video chat on blast so you can hear it from the living room clear as day. During the conversation with BM you can hear her say something about the incident and then SS won't respond so she says "well buddy it's okay if you want to talk about your feelings. You won't get in trouble for talking about your feelings" then proceeds to let him avoid the entire conversation about it and then asks in the most upbeat tone, "well did you at least have fun at hockey?" BM is a joke. I wanted to scream. That's what she calls being an amazing mother?? Never holding SS accountable for his actions? In that moment I wanted to ship SS with her, full time, and see how she likes getting punched in the face and tell us how it makes her feel.
Am I completely coming from left field thinking SS's punishment is weak and not even close to what he should get. As a full time step mom (we have him 99% of the year) this is one of the reasons I've stepped back as much as I can. I try to only focus on my own bio kids as much as I can. I lost the want to have a connection with SS. I don't agree with so many things in regards to SS. He is out of control.
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tough one
I struggle with stuff like this too. My SS is not angry or violent but is the most dependent human I have ever seen. I hate not knowing when to speak up or hold it in. Bio parents never want to discipline their kids. I was working on the laptop and he was playing chess with his mom and he was being so obnoxious I had to leave. He never shuts up, constantly making annoying noises or tapping. He drives me nuts but I cant say anything bevause he is not being bad. I am so thankful he spends 90% of the time starimg at screens. I wish he wasnt here.
Bio parents never want to
Because they're lazy, scared of their kids, more concerned with being a friend than a parent, etc
I'm the same way ... I get triggered by loud or constant noises
I think it's a good thing you took some time away if you really feel that way
My SS also makes a ton of
My SS also makes a ton of unnecessary noises, fidgets, and taps (stems from his adhd). He talks non stop and speaks very loudly, almost like he's a notch short from shouting. All of these things trigger me as well. You're not alone. I am sensitive to repetitive/loud sound myself and I have to have time away when it gets overwhelming for me. SS interrupts most conversations with unrelated thoughts and topics which is also frustrating. It feels like no one else is allowed to get a word in, even when it's corrected it keeps going on.
I'm hoping the medication and therapy will do wonders..
I would have completely
I would have completely snatched a knot in his head so fast his head would spin, if my son dare lay his hands on me.
That is the problem with this generation of kids ... they're lacking appropriate discipline/consequences for their behavior, accountability, and empathy for others(Can you say narcissist in training?) because parent for some really odd reason are so scared of their children that they allow extremely horrible behavior.
the little boy is only 7 years old so right now his punch to his dad probably didn't hurt much but if your husband continues to allow this type of inappropriately violent aggressive behavior now then as he grows older and stronger he can/will do some damage that could lead to getting sued, arrested, or worse.
Not to mention if the kid thinks it's okay to punch his dad when he hears something he doesn't like who's to say he won't punch his dad again or start punching you, your daughter, or other innocent people?
Yeah, you can't control how his bio mom disciplines her son in her home, but you can control what is going on in your household so if I were you I'd press your husband to nip this behavior in the bud really quickly before it gets out of hand/worse.
If your husband want to emasculate himself by allowing his kid to use him as a punching bag - that's on him. And yes you should send him to his mother permanently if he puts his hands on you or the younger kids. One and done do not give multiple chances.
Look up intermittent explosive disorder and see if some of his behavior matches https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-di...
*im not a licensed therapist, I don't know your stepson, consult with a lawyer before making major moves, and take my post with a grain of salt.
Call me old fashioned
But we used to nip "explosive disorder" with stern parenting. These kids are raging because they know there is no guiding adult in the room willing to lay down the law.
Angry outbursts and
Angry outbursts and aggression could be part of his adhd. Some of the medications for adhd also can cause irritability in the first few weeks of taking them. I would make sure that this is discussed with his therapist and doctors.
Exercise plays a large role in controlling adhd symptoms so I'd be reluctant to stop a kid from exercising even if he was "grounded".
More than anything this child (and his parents) need ongoing help from a professional to find strategies that can minimize his outbursts. Grounding is not going to stop the outbursts on its own.
Unfortunately SS isn't acting
Unfortunately SS isn't acting bothered by what he's done since he's been home from the incident. Keeps asking to do special activities, etc. It seems like he has no remorse for the things he's done and everyone should carry on like it never happened. I am reluctant to have my 2 year old to play with him. What if he gets irrationally mad again? Punch her too because let's just carry on like nothing happened? That would be the last straw.
I'm sorry, I don't see how giving minimal consequences for punching someone in the face is going to have any weight on a child to understand how severe that behavior is. ADHD or not. It's not okay. If that happened at school they'd have him picked up immediately and not able to return until a sit down with a parent and serious consequences. SS almost got kicked out of his after care last year due to his aggressions. It doesn't matter how active SS is he still is aggressive with or without it. That incident happened after his entire hockey tournament while still at hockey. I suppose we agree to disagree.
Of course you should protect
Of course you should protect your kid.
Sports this week or not will make no real difference in the long run with your ss's outbursts. These are sudden flashes of uncontrolled emotion and he needs professional help to learn how to deal with them. He does not have time in his brain to rationalize that if he does lash out then people will be mad and he'll be grounded and miss out on hockey and that will suck. The anger he feels is hugely overwhelming and without coping strategies to deal with it will continue to come out in negative ways.
This incident was extreme and like I say the escalation in aggression with this outburst could be a result of his body still getting used to the new meds. Some adhd medicines cause irritability and emotional issues in the first few weeks. This incident should be discussed with both his therapist and his prescribing doctor to see if any medication changes are needed.
I don't expect grounding him
I don't expect grounding him to fix his actual outbursts or the fact that he has ADHD. I expect to teach all of the children that every negative action has a consequence and that consequences will match the severity of the behavior. A child doesn't get to punch someone and have minimal consequences just because it wont "fix" their mental illness.
Doesn't that teach children to not care what they do regardless of others feelings and the harm they cause? This will be bigger than a household problem when he gets older and continues to go down this path. Parents will call authorities. Anyone else outside of the home won't let him off just because it won't fix his ADHD. SS needs to realize the severity of his actions and the domino effect it causes, just like any other child IMO. Right now, he isn't bothered by his actions and how it affects others. That's bizzare.
We are going down the path of seeking help from his PCP and mental health professionals. DH and I know there are many things to uncover with SS to overcome his outbursts and aggressions with the help of his new therapist. We know this is our best bet to correct SS actual actions. Right now, we're doing damage control until SS gets there (hopefully).
As for the medication potentially playing a factor to the recent outburst... maybe it did, maybe it didn't. This isn't too far off from what we have experienced from SS before he started the medication. DH and I have both been kicked, swatted at, and spit at in the past. The time before now he punched his bedroom door, threw objects in his room and screamed for 30 minutes because he didn't want to correct his homework (again before he started his medication). This seems like something more than just ADHD to me, I'm not a mental health professional though.
Just because being
Just because being disciplined won't cure him that doesn't mean he cannot learn not to hit others and how to behave himself. He's not a lost cause.. not yet, at least. He's going to need a lot of help... and so are you.
I would keep a close eye on the interactions between the
I would keep a close eye on the interactions between the children. If SS will punch his Dad in the face, what is he going to do to your 2 year old if he gets mad at her?
Those are my thoughts exactly
Those are my thoughts exactly. I told DH if SS lays hands on my kids or me like that, that's the last straw and I will be leaving.
Just a guess
But the BM probably thinks SS punching her ex (DH) is funny/deserved. You can't care more than the bioparents.
Disengage from SS as much as possible and for heavens sake, keep your little ones away from out of control SS!
Under NO circumstances should you allow your DD and infant alone with SS!!
I've been on this board for 20 years and there have been MANY cases where out of control (which opens the door to evil, to be frank) skids physically harm their half siblings/SM's bio kids. The BM is preaching to skids that their half siblings, biodad, biodad's relatives, aren't really their family.
I think you're right that
I think you're right that this kind of behavior deserves a more stern punishment. However, making SS miss hockey is not wise. He needs an outlet for his hyperactive energy. If you remove that outlet as a punishment, you'll be asking for worse behavior.
If he's going to miss hockey, part of his consequences MUST include an outlet for his excessive energy. Chores administered and supervised by dad might be the ticket.
That being said, if I was in your shoes I would let my darling husband know that if he cannot get his child under control and his child punches you or your children, you WILL call the police. Yes. Call the police. It needs to go on record that this child has violent tendencies. You do not know what future years will hold and you don't want to START calling the authorities when he's 13 and beats you or someone else up.
I suppose my reasoning for
I suppose my reasoning for thinking hockey should be suspended for the week for him was that the incident happened at his Hockey game/after the tournament. SS wasn't lacking his outlet when it happened, he was there all day. What if he gets mad at another child during the game and punches them? The hockey team won't care if his aggressions are associated with a diagnosis, it will be disciplined and he would likely be suspended. Even if it's an outlet children still need to realize their actions have serious consequences for something of that level regardless is they have ADHD or not. Sure, he can do chores/other things around the house to curb the energy he has.
He needs his meds increased.
It takes month for these meds to get at the right level that actually work. Unfortunately at higher levels SS may become a zombie.
Regardless SS can not be around your bios. I would put cambers. [ You can get cheap with out monthly fee. Type cambers. ] in the main living space . DH who got pinch in the face,.... Has to under stabd your point. You can not trust SS. Expecally at 13 he getting those sexual feelings. and I am sure no real girls want to be near him. You MUST protect your kids
I believe SS is on the lowest
I believe SS is on the lowest possible dose of his medication, but it's hard to tell this early how effective it is.
After rereading your posts
BM also must have mental problems. You must go and get a proper mental work up on SS. You are right there more then ADHD. SS. AT 6 yo punching his father in the face. And nothing is done about it, staying in his room is not going to address any problem. Most likely there will be nothing much you can do about SS.
'The bigger question. You can not live this way. DH must let MIL take SS, Or find a live in facility for SS. Or you must leave with your bios. When the oldes child is this way it's becomes impossible. My youngest was sick. So she really didn't effect the oldest kids in a really bad way. Your DH has his head in the sand. He in the maybe tomorrow, SS will see the light and will change. This mostly never happens only on TV or in the movies. Not in real life. I worked for a school system. I have seen kids in the first grade where the teaches tell the parents there kids are Nuts, do something. 12 years latter as senior in high school that kid was just as nuts as first grade. That effective me really bad . It was so sad
You must start seeing someone yourself. This situation is so hard to cope with. You may not be able to do it by yourself.this may give you time and sapped to think. BEST OF LUCK. you are going to need it
Don't ever let him alone with
Don't ever let him alone with your younger kids. He's 6, so it's still at the age where it's not his fault, but protect them from his uncontrolled rages. Idk what's gone wrong but it is an odd situation where SS is with you every day but talks to his mom every night. Maybe he was exposed to drugs during pregnancy, or there are mental illness genes in play? Also, a kid with these issues needs extreme consistency as far as parenting. Consistent rules, appropriate punishment, and rewards for good behavior. And a lot of supervision. Is your husband providing this?
BM left the state to be with
BM left the state to be with a guy she met on an online game after her and DH split and left SS behind. DH wanted full physical custody and BM didn't fight it after she left. When SS has asked in his little kid way why his mom lives in a different state she says "well there's a lot of things to do here buddy". That's way better than being near your son, right? DH would get mean messages if SS asked her those questions claiming we put SS up to it to make her look bad. Nope, girl you did that all on your own.
BM is the one who asks for the daily phone calls, but hardly visits her son. Last year, she declined all visitation when offered. She wouldn't have seen SS in over a year if it wasn't for BM's mother deciding to bring SS for a "surprise visit" this past summer.
As for BM, I am aware that she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BM has always been a piece of work. BM has put in preformances saying people locked her into a room and forced her to have an abortion in the past. Lots of delusion and insane stories. Still swears it to be true. Many people who don't know BM well believe her outrageous tales. A little comical in my opinion that people are that gullible. BM's bio family are also out there too and unreasonable. That's all the information I have on that.
I really hope counseling/therapy sheds some light on other things that are going on other than the ADHD (I truly feel like there is, but I'm not a mental health professional). DH is doing better about consistent consequences for SS and SS receives praise for his accomplishments from all of the family. In the past, DH used to use SS age to excuse bad behavior. Now that DH was notified from SS school that the behavior is a problem, he started to realize it wasn't his age that caused these aggressions, outbursts, constant attention seeking, and rudeness to peers/adults.
The punching incident was very bizzare because DH said he was telling SS what a good job he did during his Hockey games and gave lots of encouragement. That one conversation with another parent is what set SS off to punch his father. No prior argument or disagreement. It was like turning on a light switch.
SS has a pcp follow up soon and this information will be shared during his next appointment.
Please tell me that
BM is paying CS...
That POS kid would not sit
That POS kid would not sit for a week because it would take that long for the flames on his ass to die down after I took a belt to it until I got tired.
Oh hell no.
That kid also immediately would have quick hockey after that.
His consequences would have been far in excess of being sent to his room.
DH needs to grow some balls and get this shit spawn under control now. If he waits this is going to be a violent teen who someone will deal with and when that happens, a stinging ass will be a non event in comparison.
This happened on daddy's time and SS is in daddy's home. His punting to BM to speak with their shit spawn is such a ball-less move that it is nauseating.
I first met SS22 when he was
I first met SS22 when he was 10yo along with his brother (ex wifes son from another man whom my husband likes to say is "his son" as well)
The first weekend there was extreme chaos and fights between the kids as well as destructive behavior. I asked my husband if this was normal and why wasnt he punishing them. He said to me that "boys will be boys". For a while, i was punishing them in the corner or removing privileges like gaming or tv but my husband didnt like it and his children said i was a crazy strict psycho. After multiple violent and destructive episodes on their part, I refused to watch them but my husband said it was ok he would just leave them on their own while I was around and its not like I am watching them. Another big fight with violence ensued.
I rang the alarm many times to my husband about behavioral problems from the age of 11 until SS lived with us full time as a teenager but instead I was told that my expectations of proper behavior for children are too high and I should just accept the way they are,they are "just boys".
BM1 loved poor behaviors and viewed her kids as little victims who needed to be saved from bad teachers, evil stepmother and anyone else who may try to put boundaries to her kids
The result is that no one is in school and both consume drugs and engage in criminal activity since age 15
My husband and BM1 view the children as victims and "good kids with big hearts who are just lost" but I know they are evil and demonic deep down and nothing can change
Live with it and bear your cross if you can. Your husband wont do anything about it and chances are if you try to stop bad behaviors, you will become the target of violence and assault.
Bring the pain and accountability.
I would be calling the police on the POS spawn. Whether the SO likes it or not.
The longer they are in prison or in the crack house across town, the better for you and the less they are in your life.