Advice - Stalking and Harassment
In my last blog post entry I discussed how DH and I were in the process of going no contact with MIL. We have gone (mostly) no contact since April with a few slip ups on DHs side entertaining her threats (like she's going to get us evicted from our rental, take custody of SS, get DH fired) and harassing him via texts/calls. Since then, she has been blocked on both of our phones and social media accounts. MIL has tried other ways to "get to us" through sending gifts to the kids through BIL or trying to relay messages through her boyfriend to provoke us to let her see SS.
At the beginning of the school year, MIL sent FIL (separated for over 15 years) messages stating that she was going to bring DH to court over grandparents rights for SS only*** and she has a lawyer. MIL states in those texts that she's simply telling FIL because she needs to notify DH that he will be served within 1 weeks time with paperwork. When FIL asks why she is only filing for SS and not her other 2 grandchildren she states that she "doesn't have a case with them" aka her way of admitting that she didn't care enough to spend any time with her other grandchildren (one of the many issues we have with MIL), told FIL to drop it over text and would only discuss it further over a phone call. Those messages were conveniently sent on my daughter's 3rd birthday. FIL sent DH the screenshots, but then followed up with "i think you're both being ridiculous and should work it out", which left a terrible taste in my mouth. Now I don't know how I feel about FIL.
FIL recieved another message from MIL about how she was in tears after receiving a video message from her "friend" who works at SS school. The video was of SS in art class saying he missed MIL. DH and I were floored that A TEACHER recorded a student on their personal phone unrelated to school. We took that to the principal and heavily complained and the teacher was reprimanded. The teacher was asked how the situation transpired and she stated that she barely knew MIL and met her while she was paying a bill. The teacher noticed a drawing SS had made and commented on it. From that, MIL asked the teacher to tell SS she loves and misses him. When the video was viewed by the principal, she stated that it wasnt anything emotional and was very short. Meanwhile MIL made it seem like some emotional breakdown over how much SS missed her. MIL is like cancer.
SS started hockey again in October, ever since MIL has been showing up randomly to some of his practices/games, knowing she isn't welcome or invited. MIL has brought DHs grandmother or her bf to SS practices/games as additional ploy to get SS to visit with her. When SS practices/games are done, MIL will wait by the locker room or front door to try to interact with either DH or SS.
MIL decided to approach SS one time after a practice to hug him after she cornered them at the front door (SS remains confused and still loves/craves MILs attention). DH held his hand out to stop MIL from touching SS and directed SS to walk to the car with him. MIL proceeded to follow DH and SS to the car, with her phone out recording them, shouting "SO YOU WONT LET ME SEE MY GRANDSON???" repeatedly. Mind you MIL brought the 80 year old grandmother from the nursing home who has balance issues that day and left her in the dust to go chsing them in the parking lot. DH ignored and didn't reply at first. SS got into the car, DH had to say excuse me to get around MIL because she was in the way of his driver side door. When DH went to back up with MIL standing next to the car, still recording, she shouted multiple times "SO YOU'RE DRIVING AWAY AND SS ISN'T IN HIS BOOSTER SEAT AND DOESN'T HAVE HIS SEAT BELT ON!". DH rolled down the window and asked SS "are you in your booster seat and are you buckled up?" SS replied, "yes!", then they drove away.
DH told me he did see MIL again today at the practice. He decided to tell the youth hockey board about what's been going on. I don't think they're able to do anything about her until she does something unacceptable while there. DH is now trying to find other exits to go out of so they won't run into MIL when she waits by the door to avoid her. It's so sad and horrible to have to go to these lengths to keep our peace.
I'm curious to know if someone else here has gone through or is going through a similar situation. I swear I need therapy. I'm constantly worried about what will happen next. I do not want MIL around my children or to traumatize them with her crazy act to get SS "back". Are there ways to report these incidents that have any meaning? Has anyone gone to the authorities before over something like this? It feels a lot like stalking to me, but she only does this in public settings.. particularly SS hockey stuff because, once again she only "cares about SS". I have a feeling MIL is going to amp up her behaviors. It's to the point where I don't want to bring my 2 little ones to the hockey games anymore to keep her away from them incase she decides to target them as the next manipulation tactic.
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Comments
Head to your local police
Head to your local police station and explain your situation. Ask them what would be required to obtain a restraining order against her. She is damaging your mental health by lurking and abusing. Stalking doesn't have to be in private places. If she's turning up all of the time and berating you, that can be stalking/harassment too. Please try to film the occurrences. Make sure she knows you're recording. Heck, that might be enough to get her to lay off ...
Please try to film the
This. MIL can, like some grandparents have, hire an attorney to try to have access to SS. Seems like she'd prefer to go the more toxic (less direct) route, involve others (like the teacher and FIL and anyone else who will listen to her), and harass the hell out of you all, which is obviously something she thrives on.
I like the idea of a restraining order as well, but you will need to show that she is harming you all or is a threat. I wonder if it will help if you all see a family therapist and get backup there. Best of luck with the flaming nutjob.
What a horror story. And, by the way, that teacher should have been fired. What she did was totally illegal.
We have gone through a
We have gone through a grandparents rights case already with BMs bright family... they didn't have a lawyer and didn't include BM when they filed, so it was thrown out in court. They never cared to refile. Mind you this was during the beginning of covid and happened because we asked them not to visit with SS because they were sick. So we know MIL can try to access those rights too.
In NYS it is a gray area and depends on the state of the parents custody and IF the grandparent can prove that the visitation is with the child's best interest based off of quality and time spent. The only thing she has going for her to give her a chance was that DH allowed SS to go there practically every weekend and practically visited SS the entire summer of 2023 since she was out of work on disability at that time. Mind you, she was exhibiting toxic, threatening, crazy behavior towards DH and I the entire time, but DH was too scared to cut her off and I was unable to take the lead in that scenario because I am not a guardian of SS.
MIL knows how to manipulate her family so she can do whatever she wants and try to dixtact what DH and SS does. I, however was not putting up with her crazy so she clearly hates me for it and our bio children have been grouped with me.
Our hope (if she does bring DH to court) is to show how mentally unstable and inappropriate she is through her texts, actions and stalking.That giving her those rights would do SS a disservice and would teach him toxic, inappropriate behavior as she HAS done these crazy outbursts and said inexcusable comments around him as well. Also the side note of how this "grandparent" chooses to only have rights for 1 grandchild and shuns the other... great morals. It's all for control and manipulation. She knows she can't control me or my kids, EVER! BM is a FaceTime mom 99% of the year so MIL knows she's hardly an obstacle. When DH and BM were together BM didn't care as long as MIL watched SS so she could take off and do what she wanted.
I"m Team Restraining Order
Your MIL is one nutcase and needs to be handled as such. As for grandparent rights, not many courts will even hear the case. And there really are no laws yet to cover this area (at least none I know of in my state). But back to the MIL....her behaviors WILL warrant a restraining order being granted so I'd gather my evidence, making sure to get that teacher-made video and details of that incident, and head to the proper office. Best to you.
I'm all for a restraining
I'm all for a restraining order at this point and have no problem going to the police station myself. Even though DH is taking a stand going no contact, he still has his tail between his legs in regards to taking further action when she refuses to leave us alone. Because these situations are mostly with DH and SS when I'm not around I don't think I personally have a case to obtain a restraining order. I'll be quick to report it if she does it to me directly. DH says going to the police station sounds like a good idea, but actually doing it is a whole other story. I can't hold his hand there and tell him what to say. It's like he's a little kid again and he's scared of the consequences. MIL has done a great job brainwashing that whole side of the family to feel like what she does is "normal". I had to bring it to DHs attention that her behavior is unacceptable when we first went no contact.
MIL is crazy
Be careful with her. She has no rights to her GK. Get a restraining order against her. Telling her you are off her crazy train . DH has to stop playing with her.
DH has to stop playing with
And this. The only way we got rid of toxic BM once and for all was for DH to STOP RESPONDING, no matter what. His unwillingness to entertain her BS was the final door that slammed in her clown face.
What a personality-disordered
What a personality-disordered piece of work that woman is. You may need a restraining order.
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Start recording every time
Start recording every time there's an interaction with her. They hate being recorded and sometimes shape up. I personally don't care what the law surrounding recording, it can be a great deterrent. MIL needs to understand her antic will not be tolerated.
DH needs therapy to untangle himself from his family of origin. The normalization of her actions to family are tough to break through with out professional help.
I agree you may need to go
I agree you may need to go the protective order route.. that covers all three of you..
I think FIL has to live with the crazy.. so he probably partially buys into the "they are keeping SS from me unfairly" narrative. So, he is trying to be switzerland by saying that both sides are being stubborn.. but she is the one threatening legal action.. and it seems like she has zero boundaries.. but maybe legal restriction against her will make a difference.
on a related note... have you thought about relocating out of state?
I have thought about moving
I have thought about moving far away many times. It feels like that's the only way to be truly "rid" of MIL, but that also takes a lot of time and money to do. We haven't gone a year yet with no contact so I think we're waiting to see what difference that makes.