My husband shares 50/50 custody!
New here! Did a Google search and thought I would make an account. I literally do not know another person who is in the same situation as I am. My husband shares 50/50 custody of his three children, so we have them one week on and one week off. I'm the one being made to fulfill the agreement. He works 2nd shift and is usually gone from 1pm to 1am sometimes longer. One week they are here he gets Saturday and Sunday off and the next week they are here he only gets Sunday off. So for the two weeks out of the month his kids are at our house he is home for three days! I've tried telling him several times that it is overwhelming being home all of the time with five children ages 8 to 15. I have two biological children of my own. When I try to explain to him that maybe they should have the agreement changed for his kids only coming over on the weekends or every other weekend he gets livid with me. He says I should send my kids off then also. We do NOT share any children together. Keep in mind I do everything for my children, from Dr visits to school events. I have done more for his children than himself or their Mother has. I told him I felt like the kids should be his and his ex-wifes responsibility, not mind every other week of my life! He refuses to have the agreement modified because at the moment he doesn't pay any child support. He says I'm his wife, I live in his home for free (I'm not working at the moment) and if I don't like it we can get a divorce. He tries to make me out to be a monster because I dread all of the responsibility of his children being put on me. I am good to his kids, I love them and they love me. My frustration is mostly with him and his ex. Her way of thinking is also like his. She does not care if I have plans she makes sure I keep her kids on his week, she knows he isn't home half of the time. On school days they don't even see him. It's like she wants to punish me with making me babysit her children all of the time. I've dealt with this for the past 6.5 years and I'm thinking about divorce more and more! Am I in the wrong? Sometimes I feel like I'm a terrible person for feeling like this!
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You are not in the wrong and
You are not in the wrong and I can relate a bit to your post. My DH shares 50/50 custody and also works second shift and has a 4 year old child with autism who is too much for me to handle full time now that we have our own baby. I've told him that SS is too much for me to handle, but he doesn't seem to care. I don't even bring him out in public anymore. I am a SAHM too, so what works for me is when DH is here while SS is here, I let him do ALL the work and I do as little as possible for SS. I let him do all the parenting, diaper changing, discipine, preparing him food and snacks for SS so that he can see just how exhausting and overwhelming it is taking care of that child, in addition to having to deal with SS's behavioural issues and lack of potty training. When DH is present, I focus on my baby boy :)
I don't have any advice per se, but I do hope you know that you're not alone and good for you for making it 6.5 years!! I'm only 2 years in and I don't know how I'm supposed to do this for 14 more years until SS is 18!!!
To your DH, having you do all
To your DH, having you do all the work is a win/win. He saves on both daycare and child support, though he only sees the kids every other weekend since he doesn't see them on weekdays due to his work schedule. Lucky him. This is the kind of thing that he should have been upfront about. If doing almost all the parenting of his brood was a condition of him supporting you financially, you should have had the opportunity to decide going in. And he damn sure should appreciate you and back you up in all things, and treat you with the respect of a full parent, since that is what he is asking you to be.
When he played the D card... you should have had
the movers clean out the house, cleaned out all of the accounts, taken your kids, and left. No notice other than, I am gone, your kids are home alone, good luck.
Threading divorce should be an instant GTF out asshole moment for the asshat threateing it.
Where is the father of your own children? Does he have visitation? If so, it is not unreasonable for you to demand that they visit their father and you demand that DH's kids are with their mother on the days your own children are with their father. Half the time just you and DH, half the time all the kids are there. Not disrupting the 50/50, just reconfiguring it to work better for you rather than keeping you the indentured beck and call child care girl for DH and the BM of his spawn.
Take care of you.
This board is filled with people like you
It a good place to vent. Remember, there are not your kids, not your problem. Unfortunately your DH is right. You either live this way or leave. But if you do who going to take care of the kids, ? Your DH has best of both worlds. He has his kids, no C Support, and best of all, he doesn't have to deal with kids.
Time to really think
Time to really consider if this is the life you want for you AND your chidren (it doesnt sound like it). It sounds like your husband has it really great - hes making $, not paying child support, not doing ANY parenting ANY child care, has a bed warmer/chauffer/cook/maid and hes threatening you with divorce?
And it sounds like you need to look around for a good lawyer. Find out what your options actually are. Get your duclks in a row. 7 kids is a lot - its like you have some type of daycare! and they are all young. start thinking about what ifs - what if you lefft? what if you said "no more"?
Why are your stepkids even
Why are your stepkids even visiting if their father isn't there to spend time with them? That is the whole point of them visiting.
His kids are there visiting in order to spend time with HIM, their father. Not with you, not with your kids. At least that's what I tell myself to justify not doing anything for SS when my DH is present. It's not my name in that custody agreement. So when SS is here to see DH, DH takes on the responsibilities of child care and doesn't just get away with only doing the "fun Disneyland Dad" stuff.
I would agree 5 children are
I would agree 5 children are a lot to handle. However, your DH is supporting the family. He's made it clear that for you to be a SAHM you need to watch his children as well. I think that's a fair compromise, especially as you don't have our children. If you don't like it, support yourself & pay half the bills & insist they go to daycare.
Oh I have been there. There
Oh I have been there. There isnt much you can do. I got a second job and started being very busy/out of the house. My husband and his exes couldnt rely on me for babysitting the way they wanted so they had to make their own arrangements for a while. Eventually the relationship got so bad that they decided to follow the court order (weekends and holidays) so it works out for me in some way but i still make sure im gone on the weekends and holidays that they are around or at least extremely busy
You can 1. Leave, 2. Get a job/activity requiring you to be gone most of the time, 3. Accept the status quo
You know what you can handle...
I'd have taken him up on the
I'd have taken him up on the divorce, or at a minimum I'd go get a job. I'm a wife, not a free babysitter. Now . . . I do take care of my SDs and stay home with DD (ours), but I knew that without me taking care of SDs I couldn't be a SAHM. So that was my choice, knowingly and willingly made. And DH is home evenings and weekends.
I couldn't stay with someone
I couldn't stay with someone that threatened to divorce me in order to keep me inline.