Struggles of Being Married to a People Pleaser
Let me preface by saying how much I adore my husband. I really do. He is an incredible man and does so much for me. Loves me fiercely, is a wonderful protector, gentle, kind and generous.
His biggest downfall is he is a horrible people pleaser. It is to the point that it has become life consuming and ends up affecting our family.
He never wants anyone to be upset and will go to insane lengths to ensure everyone has what they want and beyond. He won't say no, and if he senses someone has even the slightest bit of hesitation or disappointment he starts catering to them.
I feel it truly all started after his divorce with his daughter’s mom and it was his way of overcompensating to his daughter (My SD12) which has turned her into an absolute weeny that can't handle life, is overwhelmed by literally everything and is totally helpless.
His dad is another one- his dad is absolutely miserable, cruel and nasty to everyone. Mean to his kids, mean to his wife, critical of my husband and all his siblings. There is no pleasing him yet I watch my husband constantly explaining himself to him, giving into every one of his requests and demands, justifying every decision he makes to his father to try to gain favor and watching my husband get so upset over the words his dad says.
My husband and I are well off, have a nice home (a happy home more importantly) successful businesses, a lot of friends and good relationships. I don’t know why my husband needs his miserable, overly critical father’s approval and why he can’t seem to live with himself if his 12 year old gets upset about boundaries and/or responsibilities.
He’s so hell bent that “it’s family, you’ve got to love them.” And I always say “You don’t allow them to abuse you because they’re family. You need to set boundaries and not allow them to hurt you.”
I feel like I’m watching him wreck his mental peace chasing after everyone’s approval and it hurts me to watch.
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Ok, between the above and the
Ok, between the above and the fact that when SD asked your husband what you do when she's gone and he said "We are bored and sit around missing you and wishing you were here with us!", it seems he is not respecting himself and is teaching those he pleases that he is not worthy of respect. And those who see you as an extension of him (his family), will not respect you either unless you show them that you won't accept disrespect. Idk how exactly to do that, but that's the problem I see in that situation. Ugh.
Not false.
Honestly this is true and there have been times where my boundaries have been crossed by his family and daughter and I have voiced my frustration and he wants me to brush it off with the same people pleasing attitude he has and it has caused some arguments. Nothing too insane but you are right and it's even harder with his family that legit has NO SENSE of other people's boundaries.
I have told him that when they cross boundaries with me, especially now that we are expecting our first child together, that I'm going to say something and not hold back so either he can do it or I will and I might not be as nice about it. Lol....
Congrats on your pregnancy!
Congrats on your pregnancy! With a new baby coming, you may be in the uncomfortable position of defending yourself and your child against their dysfunction. But at least they will view you as a whole person and think twice about the way they act toward you. When I was married i had to set some boundaries with my inlaws about my kids. I think they actually respected me more for it and i really can't complain about my ex in-laws.
This is promising.
I'm glad you shared your experience with me. The few times I have stood my ground and made comments back to his dad I could tell he was taken aback but watched the way he talked back to me so I do believe it will be affective but I wish my DH would be the one to do it. I think I've realized thats not going to happen anytime soon though. He was dependent on his parents when he had his daughter as her mom was absent a lot and he did most the raising but at 24 years old he relied pn his mom a lot at that point. Luckily we have a great thing going between us and she will certainly not be anywhere near as involved this time, and I'll keep it that way. They are not good role models for my son and I will not have him witness his grandpa treat his grandma that way and think it's okay.
Sounds like a childhood
Sounds like a childhood coping mechanism to try to avoid the worst of his father's personality coming out.
If you pointing these things out does not help, then perhaps he needs to see a therapist to help him recognize these patterns and how they negatively affect him and those around him.
It 100% is!
This! Yup, you hit the nail on the head. He has admitted this to me in the past, and I have had insightful conversations with his brother and my sister-in-law about this topic as well, with my husband present. They would tell me about the times they would get beat senseless by their dad for saying the wrong thing and my heart breaks for him that he still carries this trauma but you are absolutely correct, he needs to cope with this. I'm very glad that he is a cycle breaker, but I want him to do it in a healthy way. He's a very good man but we definitely need to find tune these boundary issues, so he can be the best version of himself, and let go of this trauma.
I will work on him with the therapy thing. Maybe I can agree to go with him to be supportive. He is a big man's man so I know this will probably take some pushing and of course the way his dad raised him he would probably tell him therapy is for sissies. Eyeroll.
Your DH is a people pleaser
But he has to please the right people. Not the world. The ex doesn't get pleased. She has to suck it up. His BF he has to do what he wants and that it . He must give up at some point. He must understand by now there's no pleasing his father.
He must please you,, You are the important one.
So true.
Yes! So true! He does a pretty good job at pleasing me and I make sure I keep myself in check that I don't take advantage of this but he falls short sometimes by expecting me to be just as passive as he is and as forgiving of his ridiculous family and their lack of manners and boundaries.
I say things now but if it continues as bad as I think it will when our son is here I will NOT be as kind anymore, especially since he knows where I stand and I have made my needs and boundaries apparent to him in regards to his family.
We luckily have not had an issue (all but one small time in the beginning) where he was more worries about Ex Wife's happiness over mine and I put that shit in check REAL FAST and it never happened again. Lol
We shall see.
He doesnt see it as a problem...for now
He doesnt see it as something that needs changing, for now. As soon as you have your child, I think the mechanism that exists now will be charged up and you will start changing things up. His "insane" need to people please will definitely work against him as soon as the new baby arrives, so be prepared.
Congrats!!
I agree.
I could definitely see that happening when the baby is here. I could possibly see it go the other way too, where instincts kick in to please just ME instead of his family when he sees me getting incredibly stressed, but I'm not counting on it.
He doesn't like to see me upset either so that is a good thing and I make sure not to take advantage of that either because I know he has an issue stretching himself thin to please others.
It makes me sad for him that he has to be so on edge with his family but unfortunately we don't choose our family and he got dealt a bad hand.
This was a similar thing for
This was a similar thing for my now ex fiancé
He had very weak boundaries (with his exwife and kids) and I think also originated from feeling guilty about divorcing her and his kids having divorced parents.
Due to his weak boundaries he struggled saying no to them, he had difficulty distinguishing between needs and wants (everything was a need/emergency in his mind), he saw his kids as "extensions" of him (instead of individuals with their own minds/feelings/etc .... if he thought they were suffering from divorce then they were "suffering" and now he had to overcompensate)
As a result of being a pushover with no boundaries (for his exwife and kids with her) they knew exactly how to exploit his weakness to get what they wanted (non stop attention, expensive purchases, rides to the mall/friends houses) and would resort to all sorts of emotional manipulation tactics (relentless demands, crying pictures texted to him, ex wife threatening to abuse/neglect those kids) to wear him down to a "yes" man / beck n call b*tch and prop themselves into permanent priority status.
This negatively affected me because I had no structure in my home, he would allow his exwife/kids to constantly change the plans (often times earlier than originally expected causing us to drop everything / cut short our original schedule then scramble last minute to accommodate them)
I don't feel guilty about his divorce, his kids weren't suffering, there was no reason to overcompensate
The issue is if the people pleaser doesn't see how it negatively affects themselves, their spouse, etc. then it will be an uphill battle getting correction.
I believe you!
Oh yes! I have read your posts and have related on a lot of levels! Your case does sound more extreme than mine and I'm so sorry you dealt with that! I am glad you've come out on the other side!
I, very luckily, have not had this issue with my husband when it comes to his ex wife (all but one small time when we first got together that I shut down really fast and never happened again with her.) But his struggle with this definitely lies with his daughter (my SD12) and hia parents (mostly his dad.)
Obviously it affects our household when he can't say no and stand his ground when they boundary push. His family is so invasive and obnoxious. He knows and sees exactly what I am talking about and even agrees, but when it comes to standing his ground and saying no to them or telling them when they are being innapropriate or rude, he just won't do it. He wants me to brush it off too and it infuriates me to watch.
I watch my husband feel like dirt about himself when his dad makes nasty comments putting him down for one thing or another. It eats at him and when I tell him he needs to stop letting it affect him and speak up to tell his dad to knock that shit off he says "It's your family, you need to love them!"
It makes me sad for him and I feel like he doesn't have the confidence in himself that he should because he's a great man and quite honeysly his dad is awful. I told him he shouldn't give any mind to his dad's opinion because he shouldn't even want to be anything like him.
There has got to be a happy medium when it comes to the cruel awful parents that raised these men and the soft pushover Disneyland dads their sons turned out to be because of it. Ugh!
Ah yes, I'm also married to a
Ah yes, I'm also married to a people pleaser. His started in childhood because he has a dismissive, fake nice (but emotionally distant) mom who spent his entire childhood telling him there was something wrong with him. I think his people pleasing led him to think marrying BM was a good idea (she is also dismissive and fake nice / emotionally distant and spent all her time telling him there was something wrong with them). We really do recreate our childhood patterns. I'm now recreating some of my own and I'm determined to break the cycle with my children.
Accountability is key.
That last part- that's tough but I'm proud of you. It is not easy to break these cycles of distinction parenting from childhood. Although my dad was a wonderful man he had a temper and narcissistic tendencies that, had I not got under control and did hard work and therapy to reverse, would have found their way to me because I started recognizing the signs/feelings but was determined to not let myself become that.
I'm glad my husband at least didn't turn out cruel like his dad but being a people pleaser has its own set of consequences and causes division in other ways.
I am suggesting to him he seek therapy for this and offering to go with him to support him.
I'm so sorry your husband has
I'm so sorry your husband has such a horrific father. I think your husband should consider seeing a counselor. Unfortunately it won't help much until your husband actually WANTS something to change. That may come with age, it may come with the birth of your child. I know when I hit my mid 40's a LOT changed with what I tolerated and a lot of that was because my son was being affected and I said "no more". I actually went no contact with my father.
It can be a process. Ultimately he has to reach a point where he wants things to change.
I’m going to push therapy.
I think he would benefit from therapy for sure. Honestly for his own sake, I want him to break these awful chains he has on by holding the weight of his father's opinion/approval.
He has seen his daughter affected by his father's critical and nasty behavior too. It really bothers him so I'm going to try to use that as motivation.
I'm hopeful though because he said the other day that one of the reasons he loves our marriage so much is I help him see a whole different side of thinking and life and he thinks it helps him become a better man, so I think he will receive it pretty well. Just need to nail down how I'm going to bring this up.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I wish that were not the case but if he affected your mental health negatively then you made the right choice.