Embarrassed by SD’s behavior last night.
SD
I was so embarrassed by my SD’s(12) behavior last night. I’m super nervous because lately her attitude has been getting bad.
We attended a local benefit dinner for a family friend with Stage 4 Colon Cancer after we went to my nephew’s basketball game.
We even let her stay the night at a friends house for the night and we picked her up from there to head to the game so she could have her fun with her friend.
From the moment we picked her up she was being so negative and came off as super rude to everyone; ignoring everyone that was talking to her or giving super short answers and mumbling/not making eye contact.
She was complaining about her little cousins because they wanted to hang out with her and she said “they were being hyper and she didn’t want to sit by them.”
We went to the benefit dinner while she whined in the car all the way there that she didn’t want to go because she didn’t want to sit by them and was sulking the whole time.
DH and I were honestly just trying to ignore it and not feed in, but of course daddy dearest started catering to it when we got inside the benefit dinner and she threw a giant tantrum and started crying and ran out to the car, where dad followed her. *eyeroll*
She made everyone so uncomfortable because she couldn’t have made it more clear/obvious that she was throwing a fit over her cousins (who are 7 and 4) just wanting to spend time with her who were excited to see her for the first time in months.
This type of behavior isn’t necessarily normal for her but has become a thing lately. Normally she’s mostly pleasant to be around and is just lazy and sloppy and fights for everybody’s attention 24/7 and makes everything about herself all the time but this is a new thing. I didn’t think this would be something else I would add to the list of “things that make her miserable to be around,” and now I’m sad about it because it was the one thing I used to remind myself of when getting super overwhelmed with her at times- “At least she’s not bratty and rude, at least she doesn’t back talk, at least she keeps a somewhat pleasant appearance to others.”
Now I feel like the last bit of positivity I was holding onto for her is gone.
Her mom has been on a million trips lately (conveniently lining them up with the days and weekends she’s supposed to have her) so she has been at our house WAY more than usual and it was already 60/40 before, so now it feels like it’s been more like 80/20, 80% her being here and 20% her being at her mom’s. I dread even coming home anymore because of her.
I did talk to DH about it and he agreed with me but I told him I felt he catered to it. He took it well- he always does and always apologizes and he talked with her about it but why do I feel like that isn’t going to make any difference?
*Not saying this is the answer* but my parents would have whooped my ass if I acted like that.
I wish he would just stop being scared of upsetting her. She’s SO soft and can’t handle anything.
This is really just a vent post guys, thanks for listening and letting me get it off my chest.
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It sounds like a pretty typical, hormonal, teenager.
It sounds like a pretty typical, hormonal, teenager. That doesn't mean her behavior wasn't rude or unacceptable, but it sounds pretty normal for a 12 year old not to want to be around younger relatives. The behavior may be compounded by the fact that her mother has been gone so much if that is something out of the ordinary. DH needs to step up and parent his daughter.
Correct.
I believe you're correct and that this can be normal behavior at this age, although not acceptable, but I think the main thing for me is this is coupled with a lot of other very poor habits and behavior that has gone unchecked for so long and the only times this has been checked in the past four years is when I basically have to tell DH what to do.
He has divorced dad guilt and I guess I just don't understand how that translates into being okay with letting your child turn into a brat who is lazy with absolutely no skills or ambition whatsoever.
Seems like a double whammy to me.
Telling the truth here I was
Telling the truth here I was kinda like that at that age. But I didn't get away with it for long. ESPECIALLY if it was an event like that! I remember being taken aside by one parent or the other, being summarily told to straighten out or that I would be in deep trouble. Never found out what the deep trouble was because I knew something bad would be the result and my parents weren't kidding. Wish I could have done something similar with the SDs and their often atrocious behavior at times....
At times, me too.
I totally get that and I know I had my fair share of tantrums and hormonal teen outbursts around this age but like you said, my parents made me scared to find out what would happen next if I didn't straighten up and they did not put up with this stuff. Much different style than my DH. He goes through phases where he is better at holding her accountable but then the second I let off the reigns it seems like we are right back to square one and there is no initiative taken if I am not hounding him to do so and that makes me so disheartened.
I think it hurts worse for me to watch because of the other poor behavior that is coupled with and like I said, this is the only thing I held onto that was positive when dealing with the other poor behavior, because at least I could always count on the fact that she would not be rude or bratty and now, here we are; rude, bratty, lazy, filthy, unhygienic, poor grades, attention hog 24/7, invasive, along with a slew of other things that I felt could somehow be justified in my mind by the fact that she "wasn't snotty or bratty."
I feel like the resentment is about to go into overdrive, and I hate that I can't help it. I WANT to love my stepdaughter- I WANT to be proud of who she is and who she will be one day. I WANT to be happy when she is over here and enjoy activities together. I just can't when she behaves like this- I wish I had the same unconditional love for her that her parents have and the capability of having for her but I JUST DON'T, then I feel like the asshole. UGH.
I've said this before and I
I've said this before and I'll say it again - you cannot care more than the parents. If your DH does not back you up on enforcing proper behavior, life skills, hygiene, etc. your efforts will be at the most, marginal. Been through it. My blogs show the history. Two SDs with no rules, expectations or anything related to responsibility or hygiene by either parent really. It was stunning and if I had known then what I know now, I might not have tried so hard or actually, REALLY would have set boundaries much, much earlier on. Disney dad parenting out of fear, BM with control issues and a side of disengaged motherhood.
Nothing I really did helped UNLESS DH was on the same page as me, which was almost never. So I had to let it go. Yes, I wanted them to grow up healthy, happy, and secure. But what we have now is a horrible OSD20 who never speaks to her dad and is a pretty mean person overall who wants nothign but her way and a YSD18thisweek who is socially and emotionally stunted. Nothing I did or tried to do stuck.
The similarities.
I feel like you just absolutely described my entire life except with one step daughter instead of two. This is EXACTLY how I see my future with SD and why I disengage as much as possible. Some days are just so unbearable though.
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
At least she's not......
Time to treat this SToddler 12yo like what she is behaving as. A toddler.
Ride her ass like the little shit that she is pointing out that she is less presentable in public than her much younger counsins.
12, is not a young child. So, punish her like a 12yo including putting her in a diaper and making her wear it in public pointing out that since she behaves like a toddler, she can be treated as one.
Zero tolerance. Make her life one of escalating abject misery pointing out the whole time that her behavior is earning her the consequences she is suffering.
I’m the tough one.
I am definitely the tough parent and the one with a more old-school approach that believes kids should be corrected. Obviously, I believe there are boundaries and no kid should ever be beat senseless or anything crazy like that but I definitely believe in a high standard and tough love. DH had a very abusive father growing up and a mother that turned a blind eye to it so I think that he took it the extreme opposite way.
I agree with you in this regard and I wish my DH felt the same. *sigh*
Absolutely no kid should ever
Absolutely no kid should ever be beat senseless. Self defense against a adult sized teen excepted.
Though I do not consider a swat, or several ,to the rump to be beating.
I'm sorry that your FIL was abusive to you DH. That has to screw someone up for life.
SD knows
Her BM abandoned her. She feels BM is going on trips, [ trips she wants to go on ] [ anyplace is more fun then home] she understands this is against her. You DH must parent her . He should of shout down the giant tantrum . Explaining this was a benefit for a very sick person. Adults have to do thing they don't like, because that is what adults do. She has to get with the flow. And will be punished, her punishment depends on how she acts the rest of the night.
Your DH is at fault for not parenting his DD. He should tell BM to knock it off. With all the time away from DD.
Very likely
Yes- unfortunately BM has always been elusive and not very connected. SD complains about this but we have also caught her playing both sides and saying things about her dad to her mom when she's over there that were very exaggerated and/or not true so I started to question what I believe that comes out of her mouth but she says her mom ignores her and doesn't talk to her and just gets mad a lot. She's also the type that will legitimately walk on your heels flapping her lips non-stop and demand to follow you around everywhere and be the center of attention, which is incredibly overwhelming and I even have to ignore her for my own sanity.
I wish BM would stop leaving on these trips for my own sake as selfish as it sounds. I'm so sick of her having to be here non-stop with absolutely no make up days on her mom's behalf.
DH claims he talked to her about her behavior but honestly nothing ever sticks with her. It is normally something I can disengage from but once in a while I can't help myself and come here to vent. I feel helpless sometimes.
Since your DH is ineffective
Since your DH is ineffective at dealing with SD and her new found attitude next time just get a babysitter and leave her home.
I agree.
That would be glorious. DH wants to take her absolutely everywhere with us and it drives me insane- even small little things, basic errands or things that a kid would have absolutely no interest in. It's always a big giant hoo-rah when she comes everywhere and it's just honestly.....exhausting.
Hey, Sweetie,
Hey, Sweetie,
Not to get off track, but how is your mother doing? How is the pregnancy coming along?
Regarding your SD, her immaturity, spite (one recalls her behaviour last year when she and her friend were hiding to eavesdrop, then ridicule your private conversation) and resolve to always be the center of attention must be difficult to endure. If your DH were willing to contend with the girl’s unacceptable conduct, rather than coddling and enabling her, SD's manners would improve.
With so much on your plate, both your pregnancy and your mom’s serious health issues, the last thing you need is an increasingly undisciplined, sullen brat to destroy what little peace you have. It’s past time for a serious, ‘come to Jesus’ discussion with your husband about reining in his daughter before the baby arrives and she finds herself out of the limelight.
Take care of yourself, Hon; you’re not getting much support elsewhere.
Hi Grannyd!
Hi there! Mom is moving in with us (and I am so excited!) I will be training to do her at home dialysis with her and we are following up her radiation she had recently with immunotherapy at our local cancer center. She's better than she was a month ago- we still have had our ups and downs but I'm hopeful for the first time in a long time!
Baby boy is cooking away- moving like crazy all the time and giving me wicked heartburn but perfectly healthy so far as doctors are concerned. With my mom being here starting next week, I feel blessed by it all, really.
SD has been ramping up the drama lately and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with these changes coming and her tiny bubble of a world she has always lived in seemingly crashing down around her now that she's not going to be the center of everyone's universe 24/7 like she's used to. She has been negative, sulking, whiney, mopey and I've been very vocal about it lately. DH sees it all yet his "talks" with her are shockingly ineffective. *eyeroll*
I love him dearly and he really is such a wonderful partner but this is his hang up. He has not been good at holding her accountable lately. There seems to always be an excuse. *sigh*
I hope you are doing well. I always love hearing from you.
Oh, Hon!
Oh, Hon!
What grand news, that your mom will be moving in with you and taking advantage of home dialysis! You are fortunate to be residing in Michigan, which not only ranks among the 10 best states for medical costs but offers a home dialysis program. I’ll bet that the improvement in mom’s health, since your January post, is directly related to the anticipation of undergoing home treatments rather than enduring those stressful hospital visits.
How encouraging, that her cancer has improved over the last month; chances are good that she’ll be around for her grandson’s birth! Have you been recording her voice, reading children’s books for the little one?
The big fly in the Rose_Pedal ointment is, of course, your SD and her increasingly negative, sulking, whiney, mopey behaviour. With the reality of your mother’s arrival and her ongoing dialysis, followed by the baby’s birth, I predict some extreme jealousy and resentfulness from DH’s attention-seeking, immature daughter. Both you and your husband will be focused, quite rightly, on your infant and your mother’s needs, so your SD will have to accustom herself to taking a back seat for, possibly, the first time in her life.
Rather than waiting for the drama that is bound to accompany the impending changes, you and your husband ought to have a serious discussion on how you will cope with the upheaval on the horizon. You’ve mentioned that your husband is a wonderful partner and welcoming your mother to stay with you is a huge point in his favour. Will he be able to manage the stress of another adult in the home, coupled with the tantrums of a spoiled, attention-hog tween? Perhaps having the two of you arrange a meeting with a therapist to settle problems before they become insurmountable would be a good idea?
All the best to you Hon; I sincerely hope that everything works out for you and yours. ♥️
So glad to hear your mom will
So glad to hear your mom will be with you and have your support with her dialysis.
My FIL did home dialysis for years. It gave him a quality of life that was a huge improvement.
I am also so glad that baby boy is healthy and you are thriving with your pregnancy.
Good luck with the Skid drama. Keep it where it belongs and keep DH focused on containing that baggage drama from his failed family and away from your creation of baby boy and caring for your mom.
Soul-sucking
Normal behavior for this age or not, it's soul-sucking and even moreso when DH allows it and feeds it by paying attention to it. I feel very similar to SD14 right now- she is very hard to be around, and has been for 2 years. Then add a new negative behavior trait to the mix and it's hard to have any positive feelings for them, especially when you are now stuck with her more because of BM ditching her. No great advice but I feel your pain.
This right here.
You hit the nail on the head when you said "normal behavior for this age or not, it's soul sucking."
I couldn't agree more. I read your blogs often and relate to much of what you say. It sure is exhausting isn't it?
Being a stepparent is such a thankless job and people certainly don't realize the compromises of our own self comfort, routines, convenience and overall lives we make for these children that do not even consider us.
I will say it now and forever. I hate being a stepparent. :(
IMHO, this is only normal
IMHO, this is only normal behavior for a 12yo who has shitty parents.
I cannot even fathom the shit storm that would have been called down on our heads if we had pulled this kind of crap at 12yo. It would have never entered our minds to behavior this way.