Turns out SS isn’t so perfect after all
I haven't posted in a while, not because things have been great, just taking a breather I guess. But today. TODAY.
DH got his rose-colored glasses ripped right off, and learned that the golden child, SS17, is a sneaky little liar (DH is the only one surprised here).
SD14 told DH this wknd that SS has been going over to his ex-gf's house while they're with Crazy. A few weeks ago he told me they were just friends and only talked on Snapchat- so he lied to me. Tonight I asked him if they were back together or just hanging out, and he said "just hanging out for the past few months". DH and I both said, few months??? I said, you know that seems a lot like lying because you told me you just snapped with her. He said "I may not have been going to the gym all the times I said I was". Meaning, while at our house, he would tell us he was going to the gym and go by his ex instead. DH said, what did you say???, because He hadn't heard it all. SS tried to lie and said, "I said I went to the gym most times I said I did". I said, that is NOT what you said, you said you haven't been going to the gym when you told us you were, and remember we can look at the Insurance app that tracks your trips to see where you were.
DH was pissed and honestly there was no reason for SS to lie- we don't care if he sees this girl. SS said he lied because he "didn't want to deal with having a conversation about it". I'm like, I HATE lying, and you've been lying for months. This little shit actually said "I think I can live with myself", all sarcastically. I snapped back, you think you can live without your car keys?? That shut him up, but then DH just lectured him about lying and said he was disappointed and said he has all the freedom in the world here, he can go where he wants- does SS think everyone has that? SS said "yeah". I mean seriously, Not 1 single fuck was given by SS- he literally didn't care or feel bad for lying at all. I usually leave the discipline and handling of all things SS up to DH, but honestly I was so pissed because he lied to me, and I was not going to let SS leave that conversation with his smug look thinking nothing was going to happen and he can get away with lying to me. I told him next time he's here he can plan on doing extra chores at least- AT LEAST. I am honestly not sure that DH will punish him, although he 1000% needs to, especially given SS's lack of care. There are never any consequences.
SS also managed to not work his entire Thanksgiving break aside from 4hrs Wed night, even though he works in retail and it's their busiest wknd. He told us he had to work today, then yesterday realized he "wasn't on the schedule". *eyeroll* He's always scheduled for Sundays. They wouldn't not schedule him unless he asked off. This has happened a few times. He knows it is expected that he work and if he says he has to then he is fine and won't get talked to- but then later he will say for some reason he wasn't scheduled or he didn't realize he didn't have to or some BS, knowing it's too late to do anything about and DH can't do much. This is a pattern. He has also been told repeatedly to send DH his work schedule and he never does, for this reason. It all comes down to SS being lazy. And then DH paid for SS's half of his car ins last month, even though SS took off work for a BS reason one Sunday and lost hundreds of dollars that would have easily covered ALL of the ins. It boggles the mind.
Anyway. Curious what an appropriate punishment is for lying about where he has been going for MONTHS and showing zero remorse. Taking his car altogether isn't really an option because he drives him and SD to school (we can't), and he has BBall practice and classes in another town on some days, plus (rarely) work.
The good news is SS has gotten into a bunch of colleges so far and they are all giving him a bunch of $ in aid, and most of them are out of state. Omg He better go out of state.
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I know what you mean
My DH86 had the rose colored glasses on about YSS, now 56. YSS is/was his fave. YSS pulled a lot of sneaky crap including lots of school skipping, and DH's solution was always one of his talks. Usually, the 2 comedians would end up laughing. What a joke.
I started to feel like a fool for trying to enforce minimum standards, like regular school attendance. I got sick of going to the school as designated "parent" to get him reinstalled after suspension. I didnt know what disengagement was back in the day but thats what I did. I didnt say anything or make a big deal but I just stopped with doing anything for him. DH got to go to school the next time and surprise, that was the last time, he hates that type of thing.
The upshot is that YSS graduated by the skin of his teeth, but got a football scholarship but was home by Christmas. I guess it doesn't matter, he's made a successful life in sales and is a good father. He keeps his life private but I know what his ex told me when they split about some questionable behavior and we received our share of collection calls. DH still worships the ground he walks on. YSS and my relationship is arms length, civil and polite, but oh well. I wanted things to be different but it is what it is
Oh God
This sounds so similar. No matter what SS does, they end up laughing about it, and SS knows nothing will ever happen. I have tried SO hard to disengage when it comes to SS. I let DH handle all school things and money with him, although it is extremely frustrating to watch him coddle SS. The whole premise of Nachoing/disengagement is that the kid will turn out how they turn out, and often times they still turn out fine even if the bio parent is a total coddler/enabler. But this...nah. He is being disrespectful to me as well and I'm not letting that slide. I do hope DH is the one to dish out whatever punishment happens.
I really did think once SS is out of the house we would have a decent relationship (we do now, I just will like him more when he's not in my house making a mess driving me nuts), but things like this are tough to swallow. I have seen blips of him not having a conscience or being cruel, and It makes me question what kind of person he is. I'm hoping he grows out of that but who knows.
Grim
That's all a bit grim.
Is there anyway that the car use can be restricted to the absolute minimum needed to get himself and YSS to and from school? Unless there is some real pain why would he bother to work. Much more fun to go to his "ex"'s house for booty calls. He'd better hope she isn't planning on a surprise pregnancy before he tries to head off to university.
Yep
Yes, I think that should be part of his punishment- no seeing the Ex for the next few weeks, no gym, no nothing but school, bball practice, and work. I've been tossing it around and I think he should come back here next week to find the monitors for his video games taken away for the next few visitation periods he is here, he MUST provide DH with his work schedule from now on, he must pay ALL of his insurance this month (It's like $67- he can afford it, especially if he's actually going to work, but he needs incentive and DH paying for his ins sure isn't giving it to him), and the rule going forward should be if he takes off work for BS reasons, he has to pay all of his ins. for that month, not just half. Will DH agree to all of this? Highly doubt it.
It's the weirdest thing- SS and his "ex" haven't had Sex. They are both virgins (we even talked to her mom about it once, it just came up in conversation). DH drilled SS pretty hard once, and SS is very strange about sex. Like he thinks it's weird. DH has talked to him at length about not getting her pregnant, multiple times, and SS has been grossed out about it. I don't know if he's just trying to act innocent to DH, but DH didn't think so.
I agree 100% with you about
I agree 100% with you about the lying. I know we were all young dumb teenagers who tried to get away with stuff too once upon a time but neither me or my siblings ever just lied to our parents for kicks. Sure we occasionally tried to skimp on chores or play more games than we should and hide it, stupid stuff and pretty normal I think for kids. but lying like this, just for giggles I guess? This is crazy, and stupid. Why destroy trust with your family for absolutely no reason?? Who does that? But looking around this site I guess it's a common problem with step kids. So crazy it's like they can't stop trying to play the adults even when they have everything, maybe it's a growing up two homes thing they just get addicted to manipulating people or something. I don't know. My SS(18) lied a lot and honestly it's been the hardest part for me to get past. I'll never trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. Not that it matters really, we don't have contact anymore. SS told DH a while back to say hi to me and all I could think was "why? What are you trying to pull?" So absurd
And there is ZERO reason to
And there is ZERO reason to lie to either of us. DH lets him do anything. It was breaking trust just because he "didn't feel like having a conversation about it". The fact that he doesn't even feel bad and would go out of his way to lie for months doesn't sit well with me. I have suspected for a while that SS puts on a good face, but underneath is being deceitful about quite a few things, but DH never suspects. SS has also said some really shitty, mean things in general that make me pause. I might be overthinking it, but sometimes it seems like he doesn't have a conscience about things.
This does feel like something that makes me change the way I look at him, now I won't trust him at all either. It will be interesting to see how things go once he leaves for college...
I agree w/ the others, not
I agree w/ the others, not mature enough to go to work to earn the privilege of driving the car? no car. easy peasy.
You have his car to hold
Over his head. Used it, he must give you his work schedule. Car is only for school. And work. Nothing else
I hate lying too. Definitely
I hate lying too. Definitely take the car away. That is a decent punishment. SS hates chores and when DH tells him to do a chore he asks me how to do it and when I show him, he doesn't do it properly. Ugh does my head in. I tell DH take his phone away as a punishment now. It works and I think the car will too for sure when he gets to that age.
I will bet
He actually got fired. The job market is starting to tighten up now and layoffs are hitting so they will get rid of the underperforming.
I guess DH saw him at work on
I guess DH saw him at work on Sat, so he's still employed!