The “L” word and Skids.
Does anyone else get BEYOND frustrated when people, family, friends, the general public, etc. just EXPECT you to love your stepchildren?
They assume that just because you are with the child's parent that it automatically becomes "a thing" where you love their children unconditionally despite never raising them, never birthing them, never knowing them before meeting their parent.
The other day my sister in law said casually in a conversation about my SD12 "I know you love Holly so much."
Is it horrible that I thought...."No...actually I don't, and I don't think I will ever truly love her. She's just a part of her dad that I have to accept because I love HIM."
She's 'there.' I would never hurt her- I certainly don't hate her. I will always help take care of her basic needs, be kind to her and help as a supplemental parent figure when she is at my home, but that's about as far as it goes.
Of course I would never SAY that to any of her family because I'm not cruel and I honestly don't even think it really matters, but it just is so irritating and ignorant and puts such an immense amount of pressure on us step parents.
Anyone else feel this?
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great answers for next time
great answers for next time
"Holly really adds fun/a spark/something to the family"
"Something would be missing w/out her"
"I can't imagine us without her"
"mmmmmhuh"
"Who wouldn't?"
So good!
These are good ones!
I completely agree! Luckily I don't feel like his family was pushing me to say I love her but I can certainly feel their expectations radiating off them. This girl that was the first niece/grandchild that was treated like the sun shines out of her asshole for all these years before I came along, and I guess I'm supposed to just automatically see all the things they see in her even though they are certainly biased and blood related.
No thanks- she's really not much different to me than any other kid I meet other than she's around more- which, in my opinion, makes her harder to tolerate.
I LOLed at the "Who wouldn't"
I LOLed at the "Who wouldn't"
Non step parents
Don't really get it. They will take that bullet for there kids.. They Non SP think that they are experts on the SP way of life. I know a woman who's a SGP. Who claimed she does for SGK the same as her bio GK. SGK get one gift for Christmas,, GK get hundreds of $ worth of gifts. Only to keep peace with her DD and SIL, Who see what's going on and gets upset. That it's a gift fest. But his DK and GK carefully get one gift each
Yes!
I always feel like the step parents that try to convince eveyone they "love their step kids the SAME as their own" are lying. There's no way. There's nothing like a bond between your biological blood children.
I know a girl that just absolutely claims this and she talks about it non-stop how her stepdaughter is just like her own daughter to her and I don't buy it. She almost makes me feel shamed that I don't feel that way about my own SD.
Nope. Never gonna happen and I'm not going to lie to myself about it, ever.
IMHO it is possible in the right situation.
Not much different than loving an adopted child as your own. If the sitaution is right.
Sadly, those situations are as rare as Unicorns.
No i don't love these skids.
No i don't love these skids. Most days I barely like them. However I do put on a good act out of respect for the dude and the underage humans who can't make choices like I can.
Just being honest.
They don't love (and barely respect) me so......the feeling is mutual.
#ftk
Maybe if I had a better partner who backed me up and made his kids act like they had some home training instead of some loud entitled hooligans who think they're so perfect their sh*t don't stink then I probably could grow to love them
Exactly this!
YES! It's so hard especially when they don't even respect you!
My SD12 is not mouthy or rude to me BUT she doesn't respect the surroundings in our household. She is filthy and does NOT listen to the rules that are put in place, does not do her chores, is LOUD and very obnoxious when she's here, has no boundaries when it comes to our space (constantly wants to follow behind us wherever we go, even in our bedroom after she's been told MULTIPLE times it's off limits and that is our private space.)
Its so hard to love a child with behavior like this. I met her when she was 8 and so much damage had been done and my DH has the divorced dad guilt and never wants her upset/uncomfortable and even though he's made lots of progress since we've been together it's still a LOT to deal with.
It's exhausting.
I've been following your posts and I'm excited about your new journey!!!! Stay strong and stick to your convictions!
Only because their parent is a failure.
A kid behaving like that in my home, whether a BioKid or a SKid, would live with a permant print of my shoe on their ass. Figuratively of course.
Or maybe in reality.
Oh I wish.
I wish I could....Couldn't say that to too many people these days though.
Wish she had been disciplined much harder over the years.
Shipping these skids over here to Rags School of Home Training
Where does this pansy parenting dude sign up? Lol
Asking for a friend (cause I'm going out to fetch some milk ...if ya know what I mean .....)
Nothing difficult. It just takes consistency.
With ours, when we had some issues in 10th grade, Military Boarding School was invoked for 11th grade.
Giving a kid needing clarity to experts at discipline, structure, and enforcing standards can work wonders. It worked for my dad, my, my brother, and for my son.
Thank you Rose Pedal! I
Thank you Rose Pedal! I realized after two long mf ing years that I would be wasting my time if I continued further. Despite the slight improvements, at the end of the day this fool's breeder (mixed with his unresolved daddy issues) have clouded his judgement so much that (while he might be a decent parent to those kids with his ex wife) I cannot see him as a viable spouse that would provide me with the peace I deserve plus his out of this world expectations that benefit only him and his kids (and his beastly exwife by proxy) got me covertly packing my sh*t and ready to move on to the next chapter of my upgraded life without the excess baggage pulling me down
Anyways....
I look forward to reading more of your posts and hope your DH helps the sk improve those behaviors for everyone's sake.
She is a part of him, and you love him. Yep, that is it.
I knew that to make a life with my bride, that I would have to be dad to her then 15mo son. We married a week before he turned 2yo.
For me, the actions of love built the feelings and I love our son beyond measure.
Love is not a feeling. Love is action. The feelings are built by the actions.
That said, if a StepSpawn is an ill parented ill behaved POS, the odds of love occurring for that kid by a SParent are slim and none at best.
IMHO.
As for an IL ascribing anything lovable to a kid that has not and does not earn it, tell them just what you shared here.
"I love my DH."
End of discussion unless the IL asks questions. In which case, give them the factual answers.
Again, IMHO.
Exactly!
You hit the nail on the head when it comes to behavior/actions and love.
I'm sure with your bio kid the love comes unconditionally but I feel it's genuinely impossible to feel that same way towards a Stepchild.
You're right- I just truly do not agree with how my SD was raised- I don't like her laziness, helplessness, filthiness, low effort attitude, cluelessness, etc.
Theres not many qualities and behaviors she has that I appreciate. The only thing I can say I like about her is she has a gentle spirit and is (mostly) loving towards people, animals and babies, and she is not mouthy towards me- she genuinely likes me and likes to be playful and joke with me. Thats about it.
You're right- she's a part of him and I love HIM.
I am not a breeder.
So, I have only my parenting experience as a StepDad.
My Skid is a mutant and the blended family marriage that my DW and I have is the proverbial marital Unicorn where one partner is a breeder and the other isn't. DW was never married to the Spermidiot, moved out of state with SS right after HS. We met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. The shallow and polluted end of his gene pool did not have time to drown him in the stench of their family cesspool.
I know full well how fortunate I am as a SParent.
Oh shoot.
I misunderstood and this is the first time I realized/retained that you do not have bio kids.
You certainly are very lucky and I'm so happy for you. Truly. Being on the other side sucks.
No worries.
Take care of you.
Of course I get frustrated!
For me, now, after 11 years, I think my response would be a reflection of who they are. For example, SIL(DH's sister), if she has an SO... I would ask, do you love your SO's mom (who would be her MIL) as much as your own mom? If not...then she would get it. You could also ask, if she loves you as much as her own sister. Again, just hypotheticals and theoreticals to get her wheels spinning. I like some of the other people's responses, "I couldn't imagine our family without her", or "I love my SO, and she's a part of that"...
Perfect!
I love the analogy of "do you love your MIL the same as your own mother?" Genius!
As for my SIL- I honestly think she's speaking out of ignorance and biased. That's her neice that she's known since she was born, helped raise her, has so many memories with her, so of course she sees her differently. She doesn't have to live with her- doesn't have to deal with her mess, filth, loud obnoxious noises, lack of mindfulness of people's personal space, etc.
I just can't stand when people just ASSUME we have to love these kids and that we do!
I get it.
You know what they say about assumption. Assumption is the mother of all screw ups. Or maybe it is just my dad who says that.
I just can't stand when
These are most likely people who have never had to deal with, raise, sacrifice for other people's kids on a long term basis.
If they do have skids and say they love them (which I'm sure a small percentage actually do because they have well behaved skids and a partner with excellent parenting skills) most likely they're not being all the way honest just saying some bs that sounds politically correct.
Good point, Lilly!
You've written:
.... a small percentage actually do because they have well behaved skids and a partner with excellent parenting skills....
I'm fond of my SD although that wasn't always the case; her father's refusal to tolerate her abuse of me resulted in her banishment from our home but after family counseling that improved her attitude (not to mention her PASing mother's upset over losing her alternate week of bar-hopping), she resumed EOW with us and blossomed. My SS and I were buddies from the start, mainly because I gave him a lot of the attention that had previously been directed towards his manipulative sister.
I did not love my SS at the beginning of our relationship but years of his kindness, consideration and generosity towards me have helped to develop a sincere and abiding love for him. In fact, I DO consider him one of my children and prefer spending time with the guy a lot more than with my difficult younger daughter!
So true
I was doing a lot of thinking about this and its so interesting because when we choose a partner, people don't generally assume we now love their (mom, dad, cousin, etc), or even love them as our own....but there's this strange expectation or assumption that we would automatically love their children. And it's usually by people who have never had stepchildren or dealt with being a stepmother. They just seem to have no clue.
I would never expect that if DH and I were no longer together....and if I were to get remarried, that said man would love my daughter, much less love her like his own. That would be nice and optimal, but probably not realistic, especially if she's an ass to him, and I allowed it. Even so, kids can be annoying, mine included and some people are just not kid people.
Finally, it is true that these kids are a product of our SO, but they are also half of someone that our SO was with, and sometimes kids turn out to be a lot like/listen to the BM in a way that causes harm to the stepparent relationship. I tried seing DH in his boys, but a lot of times I saw their mom more.
I agree completely, SMto3!
I agree completely, SMto3!
Whereas my SD has many of the same personality traits of her vain and somewhat silly mother, my SS is his father's son; pragmatic, kind, generous and remarkably patient. The fact that SS is unpretentious and humble, despite his good looks and great sense of humour, is the icing on the cake; he’s seldom ended a romantic relationship on bad terms.
Being on time is important to me and I try to never give offence by keeping someone waiting. My SD’s life-long flouting of punctuality/reliability, that resulted in the loss of both jobs and friends, made me crazy! On the singular occasion when my DH lost his temper over having to get his daughter to school on time (after she’d decided to shower 5 minutes before they were due to leave), he dragged her down the stairs with her hair soaking wet. Meanie me, but her wails of outrage were music to my ears!
oh, granny!
To have had at least one of those kids possess some of the traits I love about DH. Would have made the entire experience easier.
I mean.. I it really depends
I mean.. I it really depends on the context of a person saying something like your SIL did whether it is worth trying to put any clearer point on how you actually feel. Because it can be difficult to get a person to understand that you accept a child because they are part of your partner.. but that doesn't necessarily follow that you "love" them.. in any other way than you "love your fellow man". It can come off poorly and unfeeling... sometimes it's just easier to not correct.. when there is zero reason why that person has to have any different understanding.
I mean.. she may see you be nice to the girl.. do things for her and with her.. that are "loving" in nature.. and she assumes that means you love her.. when the reality is you would not be in her life if it wasn't for her father. That you feell an obligation to suport your partner in caring for his child.. but that doesn't mean you are becoming a parent to the child.. along with all the feelings.
In the end.. not everyone needs to be enlightened by the truth.. many times people have mistaken me and my SD for mother and daughter.. we rarely try to make people know the reality in the most casual situations with people we will never see again (shopkeeper etc)..
Just smile and say.. "holly is certainly a lovely girl..) ... or some other platitude and move along.. SIL doesn't need to be a place to vent about any dislike or frustration with a stepchild.
One-word answers to these topics from the naive ....
As for "You really love (the Skid)."
Response: "Occasionally."
I can honestly say that I
I can honestly say that I loved my SKs and I thought of them as my children. There was obviously still a difference between how I loved them and how I loved my bio children. I think that's just nature. But I did love them. And if I'm being honest, I still do. And that hurts. Life would have been much easier if I hadn't/didn't.
I can relate
Not that I love SSs as my own, but that I do care about them and what happens to them in life. However, sometimes I wonder if I love the IDEA of who they could have been, what WE could have all been together, more than what actually IS.
Me too Sadielady
My Skid is great. I am proud to be his dad. In our case, It does not hurt.
I am sorry it does in your case.
Totally Get This
My SO's daughter (12) - I have so much empathy for her, I feel protective of her....but love her like my own kids? No. I constantly see the manipulative ways of her mother....and it enrages me. I fear she will be a lost cause if we cannot get her away from her mother and seeing a good therapist. I constantly dread the future of this poor child. I am always suspicious of her, especially as she gets older.