Anyone else go through cycles with Skids?
Does anyone else go through cycles where you have periods of time you can tolerate S-Kids more than other times? Then sometimes you are just absolutely DISGUSTED by them?!
It's certainly enough to make me feel like an awful person when I'm in the periods I'm so disgusted with my SD12. I'm going through a point where I'm so repulsed by her that even the thought of her puts me in a bad mood. I know I'm going through these phases when she's at our home for a few days straight and my DH will say "you've been so quiet." I always wonder if he has made the connection or not because we are so close that I swear we can read each other's minds.
I feel so guilty by how much I resent a 12 year old but I feel like all the life has melted out of me when she's around and she ruins my time and mood by her obnoxiousness, filth, annoying comments and her self centered attitude.
Yesterday we had a wedding to attend; SD has known about this wedding for over a month-knew it would be on a Saturday we have her so we let her have a friend over (her friend is more responsible and we know the family extremely well so we planned to allow them to stay home alone from about 4-8 with the other girls' parents' permission.)
About an hour before we go to leave SD says "well I thought we were going to carve pumpkins- when is that gonna happen?"
Us- "When we get back, you knew we were leaving for this wedding at 3:30."
SD- "Yeah, well I thought we were going to go to a cider mill then go to a Halloween party and carve pumpkins."
Us- "No, we never said that. We have the pumpkins here and we will all carve them once we get back from the wedding."
SD- "Well how long are you going to be gone?"
Us- "Not exactly sure hun, (I never tell her times or even estimates because she will literally set a TIMER on her phone and blow her dad's phone up if we aren't back by then) we can't predict how long it will take for the reception then staying long enough for dinner and cake but we'll let you know when we are on our way back."
SD- "Well how long do you think it's gonna be? Like an hour? Will you guys be back in an hour?"
Me- *getting frustrated* No, weddings and receptions are normally anywhere from 4-6 hours. We aren't even staying the whole time but it's going to be a minimum of 3 hours, probably closer to 4."
SD- "That's so long!"
What I wanted to say- "WELL GOOD, BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU. GET OVER IT. WE ARE ALLOWED TO GO TO AN EVENT BY OURSELVES FOR A FEW HOURS WITHOUT EVERY DETAIL CATERING TO YOUR WANTS!"
I'm sure it annoyed me even more based on how I've been feeling about her lately but I just can't stand it. How can I be so wildly in love and head over heels for her dad yet be so turned off, disgusted and repulsed by his spawn?!
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Yeah I usually can only
Yeah I usually can only tolerate these skids if they're at the house overnight one night (they're loud, disneyland dad doesn't want them to have too many rules, and they don't clean)
So yeah if he gives them guest privileges then they should be treated like guest who only stay 24hr or less.
If they stay longer I usually "disappear" and let him do the single parent struggle and wear himself down.
I think it's easier to love the parents because they're adults and you can say whatever to them unlike skids who are allowed to impact our lives but we can't say sh*t to them
Bingo!
Yes! DH will tell me "You can correct her/discipline her" but I don't feel comfortable doing it. There have been maybe two times I have ever spoke up and said something to her in the form of correction or discipline, and she just acts so awkward, gets upset and starts crying and it is incredibly uncomfortable for me and it doesn't go anywhere, so I just don't anymore.
But DH will think his "gentle talks" where he will try to correct her- and the second he senses she gets upset or uncomfortable, and inevitably starts crying, he switches gears, and just starts fluffing her up and giving her all sorts of compliments, goes absolutely no where.
So, she'll never change. Why would she? She has no motivation to.
Yesterday I couldn't help myself, and I just blurted it out that I feel like she has been failed and has not received proper guidance and that I don't think she's going to make it in the real world. He kind of hung his head and admitted that he knows and said it is a battle that he has fought with her mom for years. But, it takes two to tango.
Although DH does agree that he has not done everything he should for her to teach her skills and discipline, he also does think that I am too harsh.
Honestly, there's no winning in this scenario and the real loser is inevitably my stepdaughter who will never be truly prepared for this world.
It's a shame.
I Need to Learn To Hold My Tongue
Many of you are much better than me. I literally say exactly what you wanted to, I can't hold back. I'm not sure if it's more damaging or what but at the end of the day it's how I feel & this is my house & my rules. Sounds horrible but I lived here with my children before this kid was dumped on our doorstep & I refuse to cater to that or change my rules. I would say the same thing to my own children as well-the world doesn't revolve around you. I try to make sure there's no special treatment here if possible because that helps no one & I recall being a SD myself where I was treated differently. SS9 has been nothing but lied to by BM his entire life and I tell him he gets honesty here always, even though he won't always like the results of that.
Unfortunately yes, some days I get out of bed and I just loathe SS's existence, voice, etc & want it to be his BMs time (she has a whole 4 days a month & lives 25 minutes away!) My SO has said to me before-I don't understand why sometimes you just don't like him at all? I have no answer for him. He is annoying & I'm not alone in thinking that (my family agrees). My situation is unique on ST as I have a SO who shares my parenting views & allows me to parent his child (although I often prefer not to). He has whooped his rear for him disrespecting me as well as he doesn't tolerate that.
So many times.
There are so many times I have wanted to say things but the few times I have it just goes nowhere and SD is a HUGE crybaby- super sensitive and cannot handle any criticism whatsoever. She will just blankly stare and then start crying and literally RUN away. I find it truly pathetic.
She is not mouthy or bratty, just very self centered and oblivious and I honestly just keep it that way. I have a feeling if I start to push or be harsh she may turn from passive to bratty and vindictive and I don't want that so I choose the lesser of the two evils and mostly stay quiet, try to disassociate the best I can then come on here to vent. Lol!
I completely relate to you towards your SS. Like you said sometimes you just loathe their existence and even just the sound of their voice is enough to ruin your entire composure. Sometimes it's just downright harder to disguise and the feelings run deeper than other times.
My situation is unique on ST
THIS is why so many Disneyland dads should be getting left in the dust and or divorced
They expect the new woman to deal with their dysfunctional parenting (accept the "as is" bs) rather than rise to the occasion and decrease the dysfunction
When you share the same parenting philosophies there is way less dysfunction
You took her bait and gave her a duration.
"We will be home when we get home."
Never play her game.
I suppose.
Yes- in a way I guess I did. I suppose I just wanted her to realize how out of touch with reality her stupid "one hour" suggestion was.
Those are the moments I wonder if I should have just not said anything at all and walked out of the room and let DH handle everything.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't. *cray2*
Holding back
Just make this go in circles. Tell her, You have a wedding to go to. It's going to be like six hours. When you get home . We will do.....? Saying nothing and holding back doesn't help anyone. Of course SD is upset she not the center of attention.. But part of parenting is to teach that people grace to do certain things .. That you can not always be the center of the universe.
He acknowledges that he hasn
He acknowledges that he hasn't done anything to teach her skills but he isn't willing to put in effort to change this. Tells me all I need to know. He just says and does things in order to appear a certain way, but it's all superficial.
There are people who are deemed as "caring" and "loving" but it's all very surface-level..I suspect that your DH is one of these. You claim that your DH wants to overcompensate for SD's emotionally distant mother and that's why he's supposedly very emotionally present for his daughter. But is he, though? This kid had 15 missing assignments and your DH didn't even know until it got to that point, so there is something that doesn't add up here.
99.9% of the time, when kids are constantly constantly seeking attention, deeply fear abandonment, and are very insecure, (like this girl seems to be), that kid is not getting enough attention or the right kind of attention at home. .And by attention, I'm not talking about parties and presents and the latest iphone. I'm talking about knowing and caring that your child is not doing assignments at school, waaaayyyy before it gets to the point where the teacher has to email you about your kid's FIFTEEN missing assignments. My god.
So the kid is acting this way becuase there is a lack of genuine concern and interest from her parents. You can dislike her or whatever, but attributing her behaviour to entitlement rather than her parents continuously letting her down and not being there for her, is just not reality. Kids who have parents that are emotionally present and genuinely care about them do NOT act this way.
yes
"Does anyone have times where they like their skids more than others?"
Yes, all the time. Most of the time I was able to tolerate them, sometimes even enjoy their company. But there were those times I posted and I just felt like those few moments of "bad" were enough to ruin whatever thought I had of us all being a well adjusted blended family, if such a thing exists.