Feel like " Step-parenting " means do all the parenting
One of my biggest problems with being the stepmom the last 7 years is my dh thinks I should do all of his parenting duties. [This is my first post after reading this site like crazy, thank you to all here restoring my sanity] I've come to the realization after trying to disengage and set boundaries and it going no where I'm going to have to make drastic changes to get out of this parenting role, emotionally I hate it and I don't think I should be doing all of this.
We have sd11 M-Th and every 4th weekend, switches during the summer, the only thing dh does is drive her to bus stop in the morning which is 4 houses down from our house. I pick her up every day from bus and watch her till he comes home around 7pm, watch her majority of our weekends and school holidays, make sure homework is done correctly and help, read school papers get them signed, take her to tutoring when her grades were bad and put the effort in to get those grades up, make sure she does laundry, cleans room, brush teeth, shower, I make her dinner, host playdates/sleepovers, watch her feed her horse afternoon feeding, I do morning feedings(she is a bare minimum kind of kid so sd will dodge her chores every chance she gets so I have to supervise important chores get done). Until 7 I cleaned her room and bathroom till 8, until 10 did her laundry, it's not like I'm a mooch on dh. I bought the house we live in outright so there's no mortgage because of me and I have only worked part time, but I pay all of my bills with my money except let dh pick up grocery bill and internet bill. There were so many times in the past when I was doing good at my job and I'd have to take her with me or leave her with my mom.
I feel like I'm sacrificing my life to raise her, bm shoves off responsibilty on dh's parents and I feel like dh shoves it off on me. A lot of times dh will stop on side of the road before getting home to crack a few beers and watch a game while I'm watching her. I could handle her if it wasn't her mission to annoy me all day, she just wants to be entertained and will hover over me so I can't do anything in living area. SD loves the neglecful BM, she is queen and I am just in the way of "her mom and dad getting back together.." boy does that hurt, I've raised her since 4, and I did not split anything up. I don't know if it's cruel to say but I have so much resentment that there is like no turning back dh hasn't listened to me for years complain "please I don't want to do this SAHM thing anymore." In the past he's even said "I'll start working part time and you go to work full time." That trade terrified me because the two of them are filthy pigs even our friend who cleans houses for a living doesn't know how I keep up doing ALL of the house chores. And anyway, did I really sign up for I have to work full time so he can watch his daughter in the afternoons? My name isn't on the birth certificate and hello daycare. He thinks I'm mean for not seeing she is just a child and I married him knowing he had her. I feel like dh and bm should be handeling the stuff I do, but dh thinks because I've worked part time I should arrange my work so that it lines up with sd schedule, all that's happen is I'm working less as years go by and my self esteem is suffering.
I'm also 14 weeks pregnant and now terrified the maternity leave time will solidify my role. I don't want/need anything from him, it's been 7 years of this and I just want to quit being sm and focus on my life again. I feel like dh should fill in or give her to bm if he doesn't want to step up and do the parenting, is that wrong? Am I a bad wife/sm?
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Darling lady, please check
Darling lady, please check your local laws about what age a child must be to stay home alone. In my state it is age 8 - EIGHT!
Drop the rope - go on strike. No more picking her up from the bus stop. She can walk her behind home - it's only FOUR houses. Maybe pick her up on rainy days. Once your baby is born you do NOT need to bundle your baby up to DRIVE to the freaking bus stop.
Just STOP. You're pregnant and the hormones are coursing through your body - it's only natural that your tolerance for BULLSH*T is lowered.
A marriage means sacrifice and compromise - both ways! It's not just YOU that must sacrifice and compromise. What about your financial future if this relationship goes belly up? How long has your career suffered caring for his daughter? How long has your retirement fund lacked funding due to raising his daughter?
That "child" who is almost a woman (she'll be getting her period and breasts very soon if she doesn't already have them) has two parents - it's their job. Be more like a caring neighbor than a much used and taken for granted stepmother.
((hugs)) to you.
Thank you so much!!! ((Hugs))
Thank you so much!!! ((Hugs)) My thinking has become so different, so I'm having to take my best interest to heart because no one else around me is and I realize most important thing is baby and I, everyone else is focusing on them so they got it. These are important years I don't want to sacrifice, I could find myself doing this alone if all I'm worth is keeping him from having to parent. Which at this point, don't care, best to know if that's all its been.
Tell DH he must
Mark arrangements for SD Care. If he can not care for SD. Pick her up. Watch her. Do homework. Either he finds some to do that or she stays with BM. BM may have to pay for child care .. You are not the babysitter..You didn't get married to do babysitteing .. Yout effort is your bio child
Thank you, I could totally
Thank you, I could totally get paid for what I do, my effort will have to go to bio, from the track record he won't have anyone present to help him but me.
He seems to have forgotten
He seems to have forgotten that the whole point of visitation is for his daughter to spend time with HIM, not to be babysat by his wife. If he cannot be there to parent her then she should stay at home with her mother. Otherwise, you are actually taking over BM's job by taking care of her daughter. Think it through - why should you give up your precious time so that the kid's mother can relax? Nope. Not any more. Yes, you knew he had a daughter. Yes you married him but you did not sign up to be an unpaid nanny. He apparently doesn't understand the difference between spouse and slave. Time to teach him.
Thank you so so much, I can't
Thank you so so much, I can't make him see who he is but I have to let that go, it is really upsetting that he says he cares about his daughter. Even when I leave the house for hours to get a break from them, I come back to find out he dropped her off at a friend's house for the night and he's just been enjoying himself at the house alone because I left to go have me time.
Disengagement
Its time. Disengage from this failed first family attempt and engage 100% on your bio.
You do not need to be the beck and call b!tch for BM, Husband and SD. Nope your way out of that situation.
Thank you so much for all the
Thank you so much for all the support! Dh literally makes me feel like I'm horrible for wanting to put her in daycare and have him take over making sure she's doing what she needs to do, but I'm exhausted! BM and DH really messed this kid up she won't be able to join society and contribute.
Dear If_I'd_Known_Then,
Dear If_I'd_Known_Then,
Your post is one of those that make we want to bang my head against a brick wall!
You are resentful? No damned wonder! Hon, you are being taken for granted and abused by your husband, his ex-wife and their daughter.
Have you heard of the brown-headed cowbird?
The brown-headed cowbird (Molothrus ater) is a brood parasite that lays its eggs in the nests of other birds. These "foster parents", called hosts, usually raise cowbird young at the expense of their own eggs or young. The monstrous cowbird nestling not only can cause host young to starve by monopolizing the food supply brought by parent birds but also literally may crowd host young right out of the nest.
Does this sound familiar to your own state of affairs? Time to put your foot down and put a stop to this unjust, ridiculous misuse of your time and resources! Do you think, for one minute, that your SD’s mom would take care of your child in the way that you are, essentially, raising hers?
Neither your selfish husband nor his ex-wife are prepared to give up their sweet deal without a fight and a fight is needed!
Bottom line here, Dear Lady, you own the house that your husband and his daughter occupy; if push comes to shove, you are the master of your own domain and in the position to evict the pair of them. GRRRRRRR!
Thank you so much! You have
Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I need to know I'm not mean for wanting to take back my life, I'm honestly okay at this point if dh and sd both leave for good if that is what it takes to get dh to take responsibility for SD. I'm actually really nice, I don't want CS, no help raising our bio, just please let me be free of this situation. SD just is not my kid and you know she doesn't want to be, sd wants her mommy I see it in her dissapointed face.
My SO got very upset with me
My SO got very upset with me the other day because i told him what i thought about this issue and that i wouldn't be used. SO likes to have all the kids at his house. His kids and his brothers' kids. He will invite them to his house but then he will not actually be there. He is used to someone (previously me) going "Oh poor you! You are such an amazing dad, you just need help!" I finally caught on. Now he makes his 19-year-old son do it. He wants to be looked at as this great dad and uncle, having all the kids at his house. To him, having the kids *at his house* earns him "amazing guy" credit, even if he is just pushing the care onto others. After getting burned a few summers ago with his nieces, i resigned from that role. Another poster is also struggling with a guy who wants the kids "in his possession", in his house but with him gone. It's a thing.
I know exactly what you mean!
I know exactly what you mean!!!! These guys are getting all this credit and they speak to their SOs like they are that guy but we all know they're not the magic keeping up with these kids.
Welcome to Step Talk. So glad
Welcome to Step Talk. So glad you found us.
You are not alone.
Dads time with his daughter is for him.
HE should be taking her to the bus stop. HE should be arranging his schedule that HE over see's homework . HE should be arranging visits with friends. Doing her wash. Everything you mentioned that YOU do, HE should be doing.
If he needs to be reminded, maybe he should check the custody order. Read the names at the top. Doubtful that your name is anywhere on that document.
Someone above wrote something like, he has a sweet deal going on. He sure does.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for agreeing!! Dh thinks I'm selfish for not wanting to parent SD, but he literally doesn't want to spend any time with her and it's like why do we even have her? She won't thrive in a household where there's no parent or legal guardian who wants to spend time with her.
Interesting
That H (and the BM) is not viewed as "selfish" for not parenting his kid and dumping her on others at every opportunity. Hmm..
TIme for after school care or DH being the one with her.
Get your full time job back, dive into your career, and let daddy actually parent.
DW and I both had active full time careers. We tag teamed on SKid stuff. While she was in Grad school, working, and then studying for the CPA exam I had kid duty.
As he progressed in Elementary School, he spent after school hours at the school in YMCA after school camp. It was great. Either DW or I would pick him up on our way home from work, we would review his homework (YMCA after school camp had homework time the first couple of hours) and have dinner together.
There are any number of options for after school care in many locations. Though I was all in as my DW's partner and SS's dad, I would not tolerate being taken advantage of by a prior breeder partner who was abdigating their parent duties while dumping it on me.
Turn the tables
Hit him where it hurts. Ask him why he doesn't love his daughter enough to spend time with her, to parent her, to teach her how to grow up to be a decent human being. Ask him straight up why he even bothers taking his visitation if all he does is hand her off to others (start keeping notes about when he does this to prove your point).
Turn the tables on him. Shame him for being a non-parent . Shame him for expecting others to do his job for him . Shame him for neglecting his daughter...
And shame him for neglecting his marriage and partner.
The mirror is often the most telling lesson. Sometimes a partner must be the one to scrub their nose in the mirror.
Great stuff Winterglow.
Time for DH to sink or swim.
Time for DH to sink or swim. I did all of the heavy lifting when we first got married. Homework, drop offs/pick ups, playdates, appointments, you name it! I disengaged during COVID and when I got pregnant & I never looked back! It has by far been the best thing for my mental health.
DH definitely still sinks sometimes (3 years later too). Fails to follow through on dentist appointments, and doesn't hold SD accountable for cell phone use/grades. But you know what? That's for HIM to deal with. It's freeing to think about how my life would have been SO different if I didn't disengage!