Disengagement. Backfiring maybe...
Hi- I am usually a lurker but thought I'd post a question today, since I'm really wondering if this type of thing has happened to anyone else. DH and I are a his and ours family.
We've been married for 3 (together 5), and have 9 year old sd 50% and have 2 kids together, DD2 and DS1. We both work in demanding jobs. He is making more, working more, so I handle almost all of the childcare for little ones, and most cooking. We share things like managing household, laundry, grocery shopping, getting bills paid. DH is, I think, better than average when it comes to helping out with day to day chores, diaper changes, etc.
Where I get confused/frustrated is in our co-parenting.
Because of drama with BM and DH's tendency to Disney parent SD, I've stepped way back from my role of taking care of SD in the past 1-2 years. You might say I'm partially disengaged. It's a long backstory- but DH put tons of pressure on me way too soon to be Mommy 2.0, even asked me to work less to be available to be there after school for her, etc.... while her own mother continued working full time and treated me like her drop-in daycare. My wishes for more structure and predictability weren't heard for years and neither were my requests for higher expectations of SD (she has been treated a bit like a special guest in our home, and is indulged quite a bit) so instead of getting more resentful and nagging DH or SD I stopped trying to be so involved. It has worked in that it makes me happier, less stressed out, and keeps me off SD's bad side- and DH has been forced to parent her more as a result. And with time, some of the above problems are actually improving. DH and I are doing better in our marriage for the most part too.
But there's this issue where it's kind of breaking down. I stopped putting SD to bed at night when DH is home- and asked that he do that as a way of spending time with his daughter (he will read a chapter of a book with her or just tuck her in).
Seems that since then, he's decided he won't help much with the parenting of DD2. Even when SD's at her mom's and DS1 is already asleep, and it's just the 3 of us around, he expects me to do everything for DD2. In addition to getting both little ones up, fed, dressed and off/home from daycare every day, I set limits, I dictate her schedule, I do any and all discipline, tend to any health concerns, read books to her, baths, bed, cleanup. It's generally fine with me, I love spending the time with her (with both of them) but DD2 is noticing that daddy's not available much. She often asks me where he is - she assumes he is "working" all the time.
The other night she went up to him and asked him to put her to bed and he said "No. Mommy will put you to bed." He was just sitting on the couch watching tv! She asked again and he said no again. Finally he caved but he just went upstairs, and put her to bed. No story, didn't even make her brush teeth. The other day, he fed her dinner, but he did it while he allowed her to watch something on my phone (instead of stopping it and having her sit and eat) and then complained to me that she wouldn't eat anything. He often tells me "she doesn't really like me anyway, she only wants mommy." Which is utterly untrue.
Kind of seems like this is his way of saying that he's not going to parent DD2 if I'm not going to parent SD9. And if this is the case, is he right? Like, should I be parenting SD more if I expect the father of my children to help me parent my kids? He sort of acts like he's doing his part to support them financially and have me do everything else. But it's annoying to me to watch him engage with SD9 like Superdad, and then sit back and ignore his other daughter. This is a guy who was always ALL about SD when she was little and we were dating (in the way that Disney dads are, anyway.)
I'm frustrated. Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone has any constructive advice or feedback I'd welcome it... Thanks and Happy Holidays Stalkers!
You're probably right. I need
You're probably right. I need to think of a tactful way to approach it. Sometimes when I've got my panties in a wad about something related to step-family issues it's hard for me to approach the topic without sounding like I'm on the attack.
i.e. I assume something like, "Why don't you love DD2 as much as SD9?" probably won't go over that well...
Your disengagement isn't
Your disengagement isn't backfiring, your husband is being an ass.
Thanks. I feel like he's
Thanks. I feel like he's being one. That's usually about the time that I most feel like posting something here.
Yeah this occurred to me, of
Yeah this occurred to me, of course. I don't mind putting the kids to bed every night or all that- especially not my 2- sd is a fine kid too, I just had to step back so I don't keep feeling taken advantage of and resentful. Obviously I don't find step mothering as rewarding a job as being a mother. Truthfully I wouldn't mind if sd lived with her mom full time, except that it would hurt dh and their relationship. Since he's her dad and I want them to have a healthy father/daughter bond I think it's nornal he should be spending time with her and parentjng her when she's here. Just didn't realize this would come at my other two's expense. But yeah looking back its a lazy parent who thinks someone else should do the parenting , so...
It can be tough to wear all
It can be tough to wear all the hats at once. You're a mom, you're a person, you're a wife, you're a member of a family, you're an employee....
Of course you don't mind doing most of the tasks associated with your family life, but it means that you're not able to do other things. And DH is. Like, why should you be doing all the stuff for the family - to give DH more time in front of the TV?
If talking about it hasn't worked, I'd get practical.
Turn off the TV, look at DH and say, "I'm off to the gym/grocery store/girls' night. DD needs to be put to bed. That means, brush her teeth, read her at least two stories or more so that she has 10-15 minutes cuddling with you, then lights out, music on, and no coming out of her room. Start getting jammies on at 6.15 so she's in bed and you're back downstairs by 7pm. See you later darling!"
And stay out until 7.30. If DD is still awake, remove the wireless router and take the cords to the TV, and go for a walk before you beat him with them.
Hahahaha "And stay out until
Hahahaha "And stay out until 7.30. If DD is still awake, remove the wireless router and take the cords to the TV, and go for a walk before you beat him with them." Love this!
Actually, once a month I go out to meet some friends for book club, and this is pretty much the only time DH ever puts her to bed. I'm starting to think it should be twice a month..... }:)
I can understand that it's
I can understand that it's complicated. But he's an equal parent. Worst case scenario, one day he's your X-DH. He'll have them 50%. He should be able to handle that. And you should have an equal partner in raising these kids. So, find a way to move in that direction.
It does mean accepting things done differently. My own DH will 'play' with DD while looking at his phone. I can't divide my attention like that, so DD gets my full attention. Who's right? Kids never get enough attention from their parents, that's a given. And I'm exhausted before the end of the day. DH isn't. But we also play differently with her. He'll do half-phone/half-DD playing Duplos, babies, all kinds of stuff for an hour that I can only handle for about 5-10 minutes. But I read to her for longer, I do 'homeschooling' with her (what I call structured learning - about virtues, practical things, the alphabet, logic). So it's just different.
moms parent like moms and
moms parent like moms and dads parent like dads. It's actually a good thing that kids see their different parents parenting in their own ways
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Part of why it's complicated is it really bothers my husband that I don't see myself as a true parent to SD. He hates that I can look at her and see a kid who's not mine. I do have love for her but not maternal love. More like the love you have for a sweet neighborhood kid, or a niece maybe. I try my best to treat her equally, but she throws "mom" in my face all the time, and some of her behaviors just make me resent her. I get why it's upsetting to DH, but I can't change the fact that the child already has a mother, one who is very involved, manipulative, and has been allowed to control much of my life since I married this man. In order to save my sanity and my marriage, I had to step back and stop taking ownership of SD. She really had to be his and BM's responsibility.
But- with other kids in the mix, young, needy kids, I think DH is tired. He's working a fair amount (though not more than he was when we met, and I am only earning slightly less than when I was childless/dating him). He's clearly not up for much more parenting. And since I won't be his perfect little Stepford Stepmommy he seems to be pushing back where he can.
Anyway, I can see where it could deteriorate into ugliness. Your advice is well taken. We need to find better middle ground...
Like, I would put in more where SD is concerned, but not if he's just going to go back to babying her and expecting me to spend all my time with her. And for some reason I can't imagine he'll step up more with the babies even if I do. He doesn't feel guilty about them, only about SD. Lots to think (and probably talk) about. Thanks for listening and for your advice.
It's a tough situation. Just
It's a tough situation. Just after I conceived, DH was granted the opportunity to do an Executive Masters in a field he's interested in. 2 year program. I said, go for it. Baby won't notice you're not around as much, and it will be done by the time he or she is old enough to notice.
But that meant that the first 2.5 years (because of course DH dicked around a bit, lol, and needed to extend the due date of his final research), I was primary parent. He was coming home at 6pm or later, which meant that dinner and bedtime all happened at once and only after 7pm would he have a moment for himself. Ummmm same for me, buster. Then weekends I'd take DD with me out of the house for at least 2-5 hours. So when he *didn't* finish his studies on time, I just about lost it.
I felt so disrespected. How could he fail to get his studies done while allowing me to sacrifice time with him, time as a family, time for myself? It wasn't sustainable, but I was willing to do all the heavy lifting to contribute to his success. Because we're a team... and then he didn't do his part? There was a discussion, with volume.
Now we're 6 months or so further along, and now we have to find a new status quo. It's tough. I got used to being the one in charge of everything, and DH got used to playing with DD for a couple of hours one day on the weekend while I slept. He still has no idea what I do, and although he enjoys the benefits, doesn't seem to connect the dots that meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking means we can afford to go on a nicer vacation, whereas he would not pay attention to prices at the grocery store, eat bread or cereal, or order in... and I don't know what he would feed DD if I were to disappear in a puff of smoke.
I suppose all of that is to caution you. It's too easy to get into tit-for-tat thinking, but that's never the bottom line.
Like you said, it's not that DH wants you to do something specifically for or with SD, it's that he wants you to become her mother. And that's got layers to it. If you're her mother, then he can be absolved of his feelings of guilt, inadequacy, etc and leave all the parenting to you.
So I think a more useful path is to get DH to become a more confident, effective parent, full stop. Then his needs around you not actually being SDs mother, and his poor performance as the dad of your kids, will become much less of an issue. Then your parenting discussions will become about values and strategies, rather than a list of instructions.
Thank you for this. I do
Thank you for this. I do recognize that my DH is a flawed human, but also a loving and decent person, and a partner in many ways. We mostly work as a team. I appreciate your take on it, as sometimes it's easy to wanna threaten to leave or make a joke out of the "not working" concept but of course, I love this person and I love the family we've created together, so it's my goal to align with him not against him. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and respond.