Update to the sweet life
So, as is always true with life, you have to take the bitter with the sweet. Thankfully, my life is mostly sweet.
Since my last post, when my BF asked to put breaking up on ice, I have spent very little time at his mountain house. He's been busy with handling his mother's estate, and I have been preoccupied with helping my daughter get settled in the area. I've been spending a lot of time with my adult kids and my wonderful friends.
After my BF asked put breaking up on ice, he did approach me to say, "I'm sorry." I'm not sure exactly what he was apologizing for - I assume it was his behavior of drunkenly telling me I'm an awful person. I accepted it, but remained sleeping in the back bedroom. He seemed upset by this and brought it up. I said "ice" means frozen - "as is." We talked about it and I started sleeping in the master bedroom with him, but things have been tense. Affection but nothing more.
I have made a conscious decision to be the kind of friend or partner I would want if I was in his shoes. That means I will love and support him through this difficult time and wait for the right time to have the talk about me moving out. I've had a lot of time to think and would like to organize my thoughts here:
1. I want a home. A home that no one can take away from me. I want to plant things in MY garden and improve MY house. I don't want to put years and energy into HIS house that will pass to his daughter upon his death. It doesn't matter if she is not the type of person to boot me out after he dies. People behave strangely after the passing of a loved one, and she could be influenced by others to make me move out immediately. His unwillingness to add a clause in his will allowing me a year to move out means I have no stake in what he called "our home." I don't want to own his house. I don't want his money. I don't want his stuff. I wanted a home and since I own two houses, it falls on me to make my own home in one of them. I will be moving out, but am waiting for the right time to bring it up.
2. I want a commitment. It doesn't necessarily have to be marriage, but I want ALL of the benefits of marriage which can be achieved without actually getting married. I want to FUNCTION like a married couple. He's been one to bring up marriage, but waffles on it, and has now said he's opposed to it. He also has a version of commitment that is on the weak side.
3. I want effective communication. This has been a problem in our relationship since day one. He is avoidant and his communication skills and needs are far less than mine. He would seem to need a mind reader. And he doesn't always hear what I say. He OFTEN takes my words and turns them into nasty comments. Coming to him with an issue of "I feel [insert feeling] when [some action] happens" turns into "You're a POS boyfriend." The only way to deal with this is counseling - individual and couple.
4. I want effective conflict resolution. He's so defensive whenever I share my feelings and employs a lot of crap behaviors during conflict: passive aggression, sarcasm, deflection, gaslightling and stonewalling. All of his "techniques" are about getting the spotlight off of him and putting me on the defensive. He's not a narcissist. I've done all of these things and I'm not a narcissist. He's an avoidant person who cannot handle feeling "to blame" or a disappointment to anyone.
If BF were to agree to #1, I would have to say no because of the other 3 items. There is no point to staying in his house and calling it my home if after 4.5 years he's not willing to make a commitment.
If BF were to agree to #1 and #2, I would have to say no because I won't plan a future with someone who isn't willing to do the work to improve his communication and conflict resolution skillsets.
I don't see him being willing to do any of it, honestly. And that means we're not compatible and do not want the same things.
His mother's memorial service was this past Sunday and it was lovely. I was there to support him - because I love him dearly.
Going forward, I'll likely only see him a few times a month. My DD30 doesn't want to live with her dad in Baltimore because she was mugged at gunpoint at 9am on Labor Day whilst walking her dog in a "safe" neighborhood. Our innocence has been shattered because both her father and I have never had any issues with crime in Baltimore. We are now at my airbnb and I've blocked it off from Christmas through the winter for me to live here - and she's welcome to stay with me.
Until Christmas, I have airbnb bookings every weekend in September and October. I have one booking in November and one in December. I can move all of my stuff here, but I can't really settle in until after Christmas. My mailing address has already been changed.
I think my BF knows what's coming, but he's decompressing from some difficult weeks handling his mother's estate and preparing for the memorial. I'm in no rush as I'm not missing out on anything by going slow with moving out and breaking up. It's a conscious decision to not pile on and add to his feelings of loss.
Thank you for all your words of encouragment on my last post. This place has been a godsend to me for the last EIGHT years. Y'all got me through my 2nd, horrible marriage. And thank you for all those who have stayed even after all their step issues have faded away.
The good news is my BF's daughter has really warmed up to me. It's sad that things are going south with her dad, though. It's so sad since she and I have grown closer in the last 2 years.
Comments
((hugs))
The slow fade you are doing is probably a good way to grieve the relationship you thought you had.
Good for you that you are doing what you need for YOU.
Thank you. I consider the
Thank you. I consider the slow fade to be kind and gentle. He's not in a good place right now and if the appearance of us still being together helps him a little, I can do that. If I was eager to jump back in the dating pool, you could say I'm wasting my time. But I'm not interested in dating and my love for him is just as strong as it's ever been.
I'm just glad that I can use my daughter's move back to the area as a good reason to stay down near "sea level" and not spend time at his mountain house. It will allow us to get used to not living together so the transition will be less jarring.
Yo, Hon,
Yo, Hon,
I was so pleased when you hooked up with the widower who, after your time with the narcissist, seemed like a breath of fresh air in your tumultuous life. His insecurities, wrong-thinking and unwillingness to commit come as a nasty surprise. I can well imagine how difficult it must be, having to detach yourself from a man that you love yet I admire your common sense and emotional strength in freeing yourself from a relationship with no future.
Like you, I need my own home in order to feel safe and comfortable. I truly hope that everything works out for you, Hon!
grannyd, you've always been
grannyd, you've always been such a great support and cheerleader.
I, too, thought being with a widower would be simpler than seeing a man with an ex-wife. Oh, contraire!! Whether a marriage was good or bad, too many widowers put the late wife up on a pedestal and want to be able to "honor" her and act like a married man, yet they want all the earthly comforts from another living, breathing woman. They can't stand being alone so they jump back into the dating pool seeking those earthly comforts instead of going to grief counseling. I've had to put up with hearing too many "my wife" stories in our first year together and all the comparisons to what he was "used to" with the LW. The most embarrassing one was while at a bed and breakfast when he was telling the proprietors about how he and HIS WIFE owned a motel and restaurant. After that, I let him know that if he's talking about HIS WIFE, then it must look as if I'm his mistress and we're sneaking off for a weekend. After that he would say, "My wife....she died." Now, he just says "late wife." FINALLY! Also, there is a double standard when it comes to widows/widowers. Society thinks it's oh-so romantic when they can't let go of their deceased spouse while in a new relationship or remarried. It's not okay for divorced people to carry a torch for a past lover or commemorate significant dates. And those who support widow and widowers with not letting go all say the same thing: "You can't erase their past." Um, that's impossible nor do I desire to do that any more than I'm willing to erase my past. "She made him the man he is today." All my exes helped make me the woman I am today. "You're insecure to be jealous of a dead woman. She's no threat to you." No, she's not a threat and I'm not insecure. What bothers me is that my partner is so stuck that he's not fully present in our relationship. Feeling second place to anyone, dead or alive, is not a nice feeling.
Thankfully, we've worked through most of the widower stuff. My only frustration with him is that he's still got a lot of her ashes and it's been 8 years since she passed. She asked him to scatter them on his travels around the world. Covid interefered with his travels, but he's got so much of her ashes left, any traveling he has done so far must have been to scatter a teaspoon here and there. He has trouble letting go of a pair of her shoes and her bathrobe, for some reason.
In any event, our relationship problems are just regular relationship problems, for the most part.
But the driving need I have to satisfy is wanting a place to call home. I'm in the process of doing that with my airbnb. Thank you for your support. ((hugs))
Retained ashes can cause some weirdness.
My MIL kept my FIL's ashes on her TV table for years. The family had a gathering to spread his ashes on a mountain overlooking the valey where MIL and FIL lived when they were first married. The other half of his ashes... are on her TV stand. FIL wanted half of him to be interned with MIL when she passes.
My DW's aunt, has her deceased DH's ashes in her living room. 15+ years after he passes.
My DW's other aunt passed. Her BF kept her ashes and has been doling them out to her 3 kids as gifts presented in small urns. The plan is to procure the rest of her ashes from the BF and spread them on the family farm where my MIL and her sisters were raised. The family no longer owns the farm but knows who does. The owner has given permission for htem to place the remaining ashes there.
The BF so far will not give up the remaining ashes for my DW's youngest aunt.
Ashes can cause odd behaviors in some families. For my extended IL clan, it certainly seems to.
I do my best to respect the
I do my best to respect the burial customs of others, but I just do NOT understand wanting to have human remains INSIDE a home or worn in a necklace charm. For me, it is a macabre practice and people are making money off of having jewelry or sculptures made with cremains. What happens 100 years from now when no one realizes that the glass sculpture at Goodwill is Aunt Edna? Someone is going to toss that sculpture out or thrown that urn in the trash.
I think too many are caught in a culture of not being able to let people go.
My will has explicit instructions that I am to be cremated and WITHIN ONE YEAR of my passing, they are all to be scattered at a place of my choosing, which I will fund with money from my estate.
I think that there are lots
I think that there are lots of lovely people in the world that we may have compatibilities with.. enjoy time with.. have attractions to. But there are also often logistical and other factors that can make those potential people just not workable long term.
I get the feeling that while he may be ready to date.. he may never get to a place where he is truly able to "replace" his dead wife. as nice as his dd is it might also be a situation that could give her some pause as well.. dating dad is fine.. but marrying him might be a further point she has more trouble accepting. Clearly he is interested in compartmentalizing his life and earnings from prior to you meeting and wants to pass that to his daughter. which makes the issue of the house problematic.. it's your home.. except when it comes to possiblilities like him passing away suddenly.. which happens.. my dad's caregiver is in that position.. a prenup that gave her nothing but 12 months to move out..and she had no other homes or wealth to fall back on! that he would give you zero time is really ignoring the sad logistics of how you would be processing your SO's death.. and might not be in a good place mentally or be able to leverage your other homes for a big move while you are grieving!
I would say that it would be easier if you lived near each other and could just be in the going steady dating mode.. maintaining separate homes.. but are an exclusive couple.. with things at each other's home.. but your home and his are so far apart.
And.. if you both want a home to build together.. then one he has earmarked for his daughter and was a dream with his EX.. doesn't really fit the bill.
It may be that he just can't be what you need.. and that doesn't make you or him a bad person.. just need different things.
He is ready to play house....
He is ready to play house.......in his house. He has been very keen on "commitment" and being part of a couple since the early days. He probably misses being part of a couple.
I 100% support him doing anything and everything to protect his daughter's inheritance. I would do the same to protect my assets for my kids. That's never been an issue. I would not re-marry without an iron clad prenup.
His daughter couldn't care less about his house in the mountains. She likes to visit, but I don't think she'd ever live there. He still has the house she was raised in, but she doesn't want that one either. This is all him and I think it stems from some guilt that most of his wealth, although invested by him, was chiefly earned by his LW. She was the greater wage earner.
Once again, I don't want anything that his daughter is rightfully entitled to. I just want a "minute" to grieve the loss of my partner. I've had my stuff scattered between my Baltimore townhouse (son's rent it from me), my airbnb an hour from Baltimore, and his house in the far corner of Western Maryland. I'm tired of feeling like a vagabond or a nomad. I want to settle down somewhere and if he won't take steps to make his house OUR home, I'll make a home at one of my houses.
Several months ago he pitched the idea of US buying a piece of property in PA near to his current house and building an OURS place there. Unfortunately, my assets are tied up in my two houses. I'd have to sell my airbnb to have funds to buy into a place with him. I'm not ready to sell as the town is going through some major redevelopment and I am sure if I hang onto it for a year or two more, the property values will soar.
Moving to my airbnb is my best option. If he wants to work on the other 3 things, he can do that while I'm at my airbnb. Sadly, he's not one for making a big effort, so I don't see him taking the time to come see me if I live 1.5 hours away from him.
Wait were you the bicycling
Wait were you the bicycling OP, sorry that’s mostly what I remember you doing as your hobby, if so hello I guess I didn’t realize your name changed lol.
I’m sorry to hear that, but honestly it sounds like you are going to be okay, loving somebody and living with them are two different things.
Yes, we are cyclists. That's
Yes, we are cyclists. That's how we met. I created this account two years ago, but prior to that I was Bright Future and futurobrillante.
I am going to be okay. Every romantic relationship I've had has ended, so I guess I'm very experienced with moving on and living my best life.
Oh hey!
I was just the other day wondering how the heck you are doing these days!!!!
I guess I know...
I'm doing surprisingly well
I'm doing surprisingly well despite a rough start to this year. Our family lost 2 pets (cat and dog) and there were a mixture of calamities that included cars breaking down, kids getting laid off and someone dying; people in the hospital, etc.
Other than the poop sandwich that was the first 8 months of this year, I'm happy and healthy.
I did see XH2 at the hardware store where my DS33 works. I saw him from a distance and he's heavier with a long gray beard and a little gray ponytail. He looks like a felon. And I'm so glad he's out of my life. *barf*
I liked being at BF's house as it put me 2.5 hours away from XH2, but I can handle bumping into him. Don't care. He can't bother me, now.
At the risk of sounding like
At the risk of sounding like a spiteful oldster, how delightful that the narcissist is looking dumpy and foolish with the weight gain and (HAHAHAHA) gray ponytail. Wonder if he ended up with the lady biker? I still remember his awful behaviour when your daughter moved in for a short stay, made worse because you'd been tolerating his grown triplet sons forever!
BTW, any news of those spongers? Hopefully, they continue to bleed him dry.
You're a tough cookie, Hon, soldiering on despite an aching heart and so many changes and problems to navigate. Hugs back atcha', wish you lived closer!
Not to delight too much in
Not to delight too much in someone else's misfortune, but during Covid, he was laid off because.........wait for it.........he worked in the office furniture industry. And as we all know, everyone was working from home (most office workers) for a long time. He worked in that field for 40+ years.
So, he started his own contracting business. He's pretty handy and I heard through the grapevine that he was employing his youngest son - the one who he kept trying to help get laid in our house. Ugh.
Owning your own business takes a lot of discipline - to survive the feast and famine. He's not good with saving his money, so good luck to him.
I'm sure 2 or 3 of his 4 sons are still sponging. The most functional of his triplets is now a successful realtor and has bought his own house. I'm proud of him. There is a chance for one of the other triplets - he's very smart, but struggles with depression and alcoholism. I would be surprised if the other 3 can function as adults by the age of 30. I don't see them or hear from them which is fine by me. But I still care for them. However, being the offspring of an abusive covert narcissist makes it quite likely one or more of them will follow in his footsteps.
Sending good thoughts your
Sending good thoughts your way. Dating in midlife is hard. It's even harder when the person you are with isn't fully available. I've often thought that dating a widower would be preferable due to no BM around, but it seems to come with its own issues. If he were truly ready to start a new life, the house and inheritance issues could be worked through. I don't blame you for not wanting to live like a nomad. I have my own place with my own garden and i fking love it. I couldn't fully invest myself in a place that i could be easily booted out of. Unless you are legally protected, it doesn't matter what type of person SD is. You just never know.
Thanks rumplestiltskin!
Thanks rumplestiltskin!
I'm past the age of taking risks and I'm not going to set myself up for a deep heartbreak. If he wants to stay together, we can work on 2,3 and 4. But that will have to happen while living apart.
And I'm with you - he can protect his daughter very easily through legal channels. It's easy.
But I can't make him see my POV, so I'll just take care of myself and move out.
My dad's trust allows his
My dad's trust allows his widow to live in their home until she dies. Neither my siblings or our step brother inherit anything until she is gone. That is pretty common I think.
It is quite common. As a
It is quite common. As a matter of fact, his mother was with her partner longer than she was married to his father. When her partner died, he put it in his will that she was allowed to live in his condo for the rest of her life and even left money to pay taxes and other costs to maintain the place. But she was penniless with no career.
My XBF (yes, we broke up) thinks because I own two houses, that it's completely different. I don't want his house and I probably wouldn't have stayed very long after he passed. It's a big old house (98 years old) and kinda isolated. It would be too much for me to maintain all by myself.
What about you.
I know you have a list of what you want. However, committing to be the partner he needs withouth him actually being the partner you should have....
'Don't waste your time and life on this guy.
So far, he has not shown he is that partner for you.
You are a great partner. Find a great partner for you. Do not settle... for this.
IMHO
Thank you, Rags.
Thank you, Rags.
I am in agreement that my current situation is not a good use of my time and energy.
I am sure a great partner may find me someday, but I won't be looking.
When you are not looking, and least expect it.
Is when things tend to happen.
At least that is how it is with me.
When my XW left, I had a date that night. Not that I was looking for a partner. I was engaging in finding myself.
I dated fairly actively for the next 3 years. Never anyone who I would classify as a life partner. Then, I met 4 different women who were each wonderful people and could have been wonderful partners. DW, of 29+ years, was the 4th of those 4 women.
I was not looking, and my future found me.
Enjoy your life adventure. Odds are, the right one will show up... when you least expect it.