Struggling

Forums:

I've been with this man for a year. He's got two kids. We've had our share of ups and downs and it's been hard at times but I do love him and want to make it work. I'm just not sure I'm cut out for this. The kids are sweet. He tries hard. I just get so hurt with little things. Any uplifting advice?

Him having kids shouldn't

Him having kids shouldn't necessarily mean you are getting "hurt".. what is exactly happening that you feel is hurtful?

I mean.. steplife can be tough.. dealing with kids and Exes.. and trying to find a good balance and priority in the home.. but everything in life has it's good and bad.

what are you getting hurt by? his kids? him? his ex?

I just went back and read your other blog. You are 5 months into this.. he is becoming less and less partner to you.. you are getting the very short stick.

I will repeat my advice.. you don't have time to waste if you want kids of your own with some dude that has all this baggage and is stringing you along.. and can't even be bothered to do anything for your anniversary. dump him.

Questions

How old are you? How old are they? Is it just normal kid stuff? Or do you have a troublesome BM or Disney dad? Do you have kids? Work?

Sorry for all the questions, just want to help.

I'm 33, he's 33. Kids are 8

I'm 33, he's 33. Kids are 8 and 11. Ex wife is a raging alcoholic that about a month ago had the kids temporarily taken away from her (not via law) but via my boyfriend who said he will get full custody if she fights him. He demanded she go to therapy. I found the therapist for them. They go to therapy once a week, the boys go to therapy, and she goes to therapy. We've had the kids constantly the past 1.5 months and it's been hard. We have been fighting. We had our one year anniversary and he didn't even get me a card or a gift or anything. Not that I wanted an expensive gift or anything but just some form of recognition you know? But we are on vacation and after my boyfriend said let's take a family picture, the youngest said we can't take a family picture because their mom isn't there and then said that it'll just be a photo of them 3 and then my boyfriend said no she family and the older boy also said yeah she is family what did you think and the youngest said oh I thought she was just a friend and I know he doesn't know better and that they're just kids but it just hurts. They constantly speak about their mom. My boyfriend going to therapy with his ex is horribly painful on top of everything. I just don't know if I can do this anymore

It sounds like at least the

It sounds like at least the younger child is a little confused as to the nature of your relationship.. kids can be a bit funny in how they might see things.. if they don't "get" romantic love.. they see you as a friend.. and mom is family.. and people may be using "daddy's friend" when refering to you. The older one gets it more obviously. for that kind of thing.. you will have to understand that kids will be confused by things sometimes and to not be hurt by things that are not intended to be hurtful. clearly your BF intended you to be in the photo?

The fact that you and your BF fight and he didn't do anything for your anniversary is different and has nothing to do with steplife... you have only been in this about a year.. you have time to make your exit and looik for a better situation honey.

If you do stay.. you have to accept that having an ex with a substance issue is going to make things more complicated.. if you are already being back burnered and fought with.. is it worth it.

"They constantly speak about

"They constantly speak about their mom. My boyfriend going to therapy with his ex is horribly painful on top of everything."

Why the hell is he in therapy with his ex? That is so inappropriate!!! If my DH went to therapy with his ex we'd be gone. I'd be wondering if they're in marital therapy to get back together. Very sketchy to me. That is level of emotional intimacy that is reserved for the current spouse: not an ex. If he wants to be that emotionally intimate with his ex, he should never have left or he should go back to her. Don't let anyone gaslight you into being "insecure" or "hating his kids," or whatever. He's still too emotionally enmeshed and invested in his ex. Because of that he's not available to be all-in with you.

Also, if the kids keep mentioning the BM, it is up to your SO to put a stop to it. My DH, as clueless as he has been even put a stop to it when my SKs (30s) were young. My DH would tell them, "well, this is Dad and Evil's house and at this house we do..." The picture thing, my DH wouldn't have let it go as the child not understanding that you're just a friend. My DH would have said that I'm his wife now and in this house, the family is..." When your SO doesn't give enough details, it leaves too many holes in the story for the child to come up with his own conclusions or be too receptive to BM's claims that you're temporary or whatever. Yes, your SO said that you're family but in my humble opinion it wasn't enough. He should have said that you're his fiancee and family and that you're not going anywhere. It sounds like he's too afraid to parent and he's not ready to be totally emotionally available.

No wonder you're hurt so frequently.

They're in therapy to learn

They're in therapy to learn how to communicate and co-parent. It's a therapist that is specifically specialized in substance abuse issues in families. My boyfriend always tries to tell me how it isn't marriage counseling and it's just so that he gets uodated every week for an hour about her progress and the boys progress in therapy

I was you 11 years ago

About 11 years ago I started my journey. If I could go back part of me would say "run".. but I probably wouldn't listen.. I was smitten. I reconnected with someone I had a thing with younger we really liked eachother just bad timing and we kinda passed eachother by then life took over he married, I married then both divorced found eachother. He had another relationship between and another child . So me chiildless at 36 all of a sudden had 3,7 and 10 year old . At first weekend parents then FT last 6 years or so with SS and 4 with SD. Great relationship with SS and youngest SD but she doesn't live with us (another state) but the older SD been hard.. so my advice if you stay.

1) boundaries, don't just assume the role . It's not your job to do everything.

2) Let him know he needs to match your efforts not just for him but also with his children. You shouldn't be taken for granted.

3) keep your outside relationships, friendships etc don't lose your self.

4 ) learn about disengagement earlier the better.

good luck and be kind to yourself.. when you feel your on a island .. come here your not alone.

Just a friend? Oh bullshit he didn't know.

This is an 8yo, not an 8mo old.

Do not give toxicity a break. Kids must be held to behavioral and performance standards that are age appropriate.

Your SS-8 was being a toxic little shit. Never forget, he is the product of their idiot BM.

I read your previous blog to

I read your previous blog to try to get some clues. I don't even know where to start. It seems that the second you express any needs, you get the old bullshit about your SO not knowing if he wants more kids. Then he changes his mind when you indicate that it's a dealbreaker. Then you express a concern, which you have EVERY right to do in a relationship and get the old bullshit, "well, now I don't know if I want more kids" again. You are being sold a bill of goods. Your SO is using that cycle to "whip you back into shape." You don't want co-sleeping? Well, how dare you. I'll just revoke my wanting children to punish you or get you to acquiesce.

I've been in the game for 27 years. Your SO hasn't "done the work." He hasn't figured out how to dad and partner at the same time. He seems to be one of those dads who wants to do what he wants to do with his kids and if that means neglecting his partner and relationship to the point that she's getting hurt and/or her needs not met, then oh well. He'll just say something to hurt you to stand back and enable a dynamic that hurts you.

Run fast and run far. You won't regret it. Don't be afraid that you won't meet someone else. You will. Go find a man who wants children with YOU and who wants that so much that he'll make it happen come hell or high water. You deserve that you can have that. The so-called man you're with only hurts you with the back and forth game.

Yeesh. Your boyfriend goes to

Yeesh. Your boyfriend goes to therapy sessions with his raging alcoholic ex? No wonder the kid is confused. You are kid-free and 33, right? You don't need this ball-and-chain of a situation. ETA you could just list out what you need to make this situation tolerable, demand it, and if he doesn't make reasonable changes, leave. Or just leave. Either way, why stay with this bullsh!t?

This!!!

If I were 33 and no bios, and in a similar situation this is the path I'd take!

Literally take a few days, think about what you want that's reasonable, list those things in order of importance to you. Maybe lead with him explaining in terms a child can understand that you're not just a 'friend' so that the youngest child has a better idea of the relationship. Tell SO you have dreams and if a baby of your own is a definite deal breaker, then make it clear, but also understand you might get a half asked father if he's wishy washy about it.

He has a lot going on, but you should still be a priority.

My DH also didn't do 'the work before we got together, but he'd been divorced about 10 years or more....and though his kids are legally adults, he's still having to do some work now. It's not what I would have chosen.

What kind of therapy are they in? Why are they going to therapy?

What kind of therapy are they in? Why are they going to therapy? What kind of a therapist are they seeing? How long will it last? It is very odd for divorced parents to attend therapy together.

It's a substance abuse

It's a substance abuse therapist. She goes to him, the boys go to him and then him and his ex go for an hour to recap her progress to allow him yo determine when he'd feel more comfortable to let her have the kids more often

He should not be part of her

He should not be part of her therapy sessions it's weird.. it's not necessary.

There are ways he can determine if she is drinking.. there are BAC devices that need to be randomly blown into and he would be better off insisting on that.. or insisting on supervised visitation and (not by him.. a 3rd party).

You and your boyfriend are at

You and your boyfriend are at different stages. He has too much drama going on and doesn't know what he wants. You want marriage and kids. You should accept that the last six months are reality and the months before that were the fantasy honeymoon stage. The reality isn't worth it. Move on and find someone who can give you what you want without the drama and baggage.

Just a few things - I'm not

Just a few things - I'm not engaged or married. He has made it very clear that he wants to have kids with me and that he wants a family with me. Given, based on our history, I do have reservations about it but he has reassured it and made it clear that that's what he wants to.

Oh and we've been together

Oh and we've been together for a little over a year. Not that that's a huge amount of time but still

Oh and we've been together

Oh and we've been together for a little over a year. Not that that's a huge amount of time but still

In January you were saying

In January you were saying that he was being wishy washy on the kid thing.. I hate to tell someone young that they are running low on time.. but in your early 30's.. you are. I was only a few years down the road from you and missed my chance.

Missed mine too

I was 35 when I got with my DH and he would of had another.. unfortunately adjusting to being with him and his kids took time.. we were both divorced restarting and set back financially and I missed my clock.. I also think I had medical reasons but IVF wasn't in the cards financially.. so now 12 years later I fight the what ifs in my heart..

same.. on the one hand we

same.. on the one hand we shouldn't rush things.. but on the other hand.. waiting can mean it won't ever happen.. but having a kid in a wrong situation is permanently life changing.. so in the balance.. i'm better off not having made a bad move.. but we have been together 20 years now.. so it would have been an ok thing to have pursued.. in hindsight.

I don't know if my ambivalence on having children of my own

is normal or not.

I have never had any urge, desire, or drive to have children of my own. Neither have I avoided it.

Ambivalent is what I am on the subject.

For sure, I am pleased that I did not curse a child to be OOWL or a product of a failed parental relationship.

The subject never even enters my mind until it shows up as a STalk topic.

I hope everyone can focus on living their best life, without regrets.

I have none. Including not having created a child.

Do they have an actual legal

Do they have an actual legal custody order? Do you know what it is? BF saying he will get full custody is meaningless.

1.5 months is nothing in terms of recovery. Recovery is a long process and often there are relapses along the road.

All of them are seeing the same substance abuse counselor? I'm not well versed in therapy, but it seems odd to me. Is the counselor equipped to deal with the children's issues, which though related to BM's substance abuse are not actual substance abuse issues?

The yo_yo, I want a baby, no I don't, isn't fair. But, realistically this guy should not be fathering another child right now. He needs to straighten out his life.

If you want a child, and a fairly stress free life, this is not the relationship for you. If you stay, realize you may never have a child. If you stay, expect the drama to decrease and increase periodically over the years.

The therapy is temporary just

The therapy is temporary just until he trusts her enough to allow her to have the kids overnight. I don't know. Leaving him is a tough pill to swallow. I just wish I could have some better coping mechanisms with the situation

Move out and just date him

We don't live together lol

If you are looking to have

If you are looking to have your own family, this isn't the guy for you. The relationship is moving too slow for that, because he doesn't have room in his life to make a fresh(ish?) start with you. His 8-year-old has known you for a year and doesn't know you are his dad's girlfriend. Unless he has special needs, that's because Daddy isn't treating you like one in front of him.

You don’t need

To be in therapy with your EX to co-Parent. You need a good CO to co parent with an alcoholic. Stop the craziness. No playing family with the EX. YOU are his happy Family. He must one explain to his kids his relationship with you. That BM is NOT part of your family. As NO co party's, CO. Christmas, or CO Holidays. Or CO vacation ect.

Part Two. Your feelings are right. These kids don't or will ever care for you. Yes smoke and mirrors. But deep down you just are another's person on the street. There Bio parent walk out on them. Didn't give a sh*t if they lived or died. But you who did what you could get the short end

I just feel lost. I agree. I

I just feel lost. I agree. I just feel lost

Have you considered

Have you considered counseling for you to help you sort out your feelings?

I am in therapy for it. It's

I am in therapy for it. It's just difficult.

Hate to say this

Therapy isn't going to help a lot. You are not the one needing therapy. Your SO who still wasn't his Happy Family. For you just to take all of this. Even though the EX couldn't do it. His kids are always right. His kids come before you ..

That you should make his kids happy. That the person who needs a wake up call and Therapy

He divorced his EX. She has to be out of the picture. People who sleep together can not become friends. Past that point. His efforts and work should be in creating a family with you. Not letting the ex screw it up. As I said. My opinion. Can't be no co party's, co anything. Graduation, wedding, grand kids. Latter down the line. He can't be working on your family spending all this time with the ex.
either go back to the ex or just no contact. A text on pick up drop off. Ect.

One year in and there are hard times and ups and downs?

The first year is when everyone is on best behavior.

It can only get worse.

Cut and run.

Take care of you.

Take it from someone who

Take it from someone who deals with an alcoholic BM, get out while you still can

The situation is much bigger than you. The children are the product of their environment (alcoholic unruly messy) and you are in for a lifetime of problems

Find you a nice gentleman with none of that drama. No man is worth your sanity

I understand it's hard to walk away

And only you can make that choice.

I'd start with a list of pro and cons...reasons to stay, reasons to go. See which column is bigger and weigh the importance and impact of each thing on your list.

Drama with Skids and BM for me didn't really ramp up until both skids were past age 18, so you can't even measure the time you will do by their age.

I think if you should choose to stay and keep trying you should establish some boundaries to help protect you. Read up on what boundaries are to learn more...Google Henry Cloud. And my 1st request would be that SO discuss who you are to him with his kids. They need to understand you are more than a friend and you should rank high on SO's list of priorities.

The counseling with BM is over the top. If SO needs to speak with the counselor about BM's progress, BM doesn't need to be present. Their contact needs to be strictly about the kids. I'd agree with another posted that mentioned supervised visitations with a 3rd party doing the supervising. The kids may benefit from a more kid-specialized therapist, but I don't know the qualifications of the counselor, so just a thought.

SO has a full plate in dealing with this mess...and it's his mess. You have things you want that are time-sensitive. Having a baby is a huge thing, and being sure you do it with a great father that will be there for you and your child is of the utmost importance. It sounds like he has a lot to deal with now and no end insight, so I would be very cautious about a baby with him. If he has an appointment with his other kids and you need help, which will he choose? And financial resources are a consideration, especially when paying for attorneys and childcare and all the other things that come up.

As for coping, you have to put yourself first. Keep it always present in your mind when you're making choices and consider the possible outcomes. Love yourself enough to be selfish.

Change

So just to give everyone an update, we are looking for a place to live together and he said he is on board with my timeline of wanting to start trying for a baby next year. I know things will never be perfect but I do think we are trying to make it work despite everything

Please do not do this to

Please do not do this to yourself or your future children.

A child should not be cursed to start their life and grow up with "things will never be perfect" and parents who know it is not right but are "trying to make it work despite everything". You have a choice. If you have a child with this guy, the child will not have a choice. Keep that in mind.

If you go through with breeding with this guy, you will in all liklihood be dooming your child to be a COD and an outcome similar to that of your partners failed family progeny.

Be good to you and choose a quality father for your child(ren) rather than dooming them to be round two of SO's parental failures. Be kind to yourself and do not settle for this shit show of a future. You do not have to do that.

IMHO of course.

Why do you say that? Things

Why do you say that? Things are developing in a positive direction

If they were.. you wouldn't

If they were.. you wouldn't still be posting about your insecurity in your relationship...

I think that's an

I think that's an exceptionally unfair thing to say. Per usual public Internet forums that were made to support each other going through similar difficult situations turn into an opportunity to demean and belittle. I turn to this forum because, like probably many of us, not many people in my normal life understand what it feels like to be with a man that has been married before with children and the complications and difficulties that come with it. If I could so easily leave him, like you all suggest, I would. I'm very well aware that finding a man that is unmarried with no kids would be an easier, less dramatic solution. The problem is, I love this man. I love him and feel more strongly for him than I ever have for anyone, which is why I am trying to learn how to navigate this situation, as is he since he has never been with someone who has been introduced to his children. He tells me he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved, he wants to live together, marry me and have kids with me. Yes, has it been a bumpy road with many ups and downs and challenges, for sure, but we are working towards the things we both want. And yes, it'll suck at times but isn't what we are at this forum for, to help support each other during hard times? To help share experiences and give each other strength. There's a reason we are all in this situation and it's cause we loved our partners so much that we learned how to deal with the fucking awful situation that being in a step family can be at times. I just hate that everyone is like "well he'll never love you, never give you what you want, leave him". That isn't constructive or helpful.

Is it constructive or helpful

Is it constructive or helpful to tell you that "it will all be ok".. when there are some serious red flags that point to another conclusion?

I am not saying he will never love you.. I'm saying your level of insecurity and inability to get past this.. to at some level accept something.. even though you have been in counseling.. and no matter what others say to try to help you .. THAT is what makes this seem like a problem for your future.

you have your ups and downs.. and it seems like a LOT of it is downs.. is he still in counseling with the EX?

If you can't at some point find peace and acceptance that he "had" a past life and relationship.. then he can't give you what you want...it's not all on him.. but it really feels like he hasn't been able to make you feel secure and a good partner would do that for his SO.

I mean.. he is supposedly telling you all the things you want to hear now.. making all the moves you want him to make.. and still you aren't able to be happy about it... is that fair to you and him to continually go over the same ground?

He married and had kids with a woman that now has a problem with her drinking.. and that has made him have to step up more for his kids.. and apparently enmesh himself with her.. that doesn't mean he can't go on to have a meaningful relationship with another person.. (you).. it doesn't mean he won't be excited when you have a child. if that ever happens..

I would say this site provides some support.. but also provides impartial third party viewpoints.. that people often can't see because they are too close to the situation. people don't come here because things are great usually.. they come with problems.. that means a lot of the advice they may get.. is that the relationship may not be healthy for them.

how were your relationships prior to this one.. what caused them to fail? (we all had failed relstionships..lol.. not calling you a failure).. but do you see any patterns you could learn from?

My past relationships have

My past relationships have not been exactly healthy. I have a bad habit of being a people pleaser. I've had 3 serious relationships in my life and in all 3 I was cheated on. My father cheated on my mother and I was very enmeshed in that and I think it left some wounds. I just have a lot of wounds in that regard and my boyfriend knows this and he's been, for the most part, really supportive and reassuring.

Have you read anything in

Have you read anything in Attachment theory? I'm reading a book on it right now and I am finding really enlightening on how it's played out in my life.

Yes very very much so. I am a

Yes very very much so. I am a fearful avoidant and I do see it rear it's ugly head regularly. I'm trying to also work through my own issues. I'm not perfect. I guess I just am looking for support on how to help when things get a little more tough from people that might have gone through similar things

You are here