Working things out or working me over...Clove updates
Greetings and salutations Steptalkers!
A little Thursday update:
1. Husband is now completely off the job he has held over 20 years. The shop closed, but there was 30 years of stuff to clean and get rid of - posters, tools, etc. Guess where some of that ended up???? Two of the mechanics remained (husband and nephew) and cleaned and cleared and the buzzards descended to scoop up the valuable items, before husband could get to it. That severance husband was expecting materialised, but was way lower than he was hoping, at aprox 2 weeks pay.
His new employer has agreed to start him in May. His tool box was towed to its new location.
2. Husband has spent his time cleaning and working on cars (we have 7). One car is ready to sell, and he has been instrumental in getting it ready. Bought a tire, detailed etc. There are 3 more we need to liquidate.
3. Husband has also been working hard to clean and clear waist-high weeds in the backyard, so that we can lay down some DG and plant some things and generally enjoy the space.He swept and cleared the covered patio, as well as washed the cushion covers and bought propane so it really looks gorgeous right now. We have been spending evenings outside in front of our firepit, like we used to.
4. SD16almost17 has spent almost a month at her mothers new apartment. I knew it was going to happen. Her mother and her are spending the 21k on new furniture, probably got her a whole new wardrobe and personal items. She hasnt asked for ANYTHING from our house, and Ive not heard anything about her staying in the beach apartment or resuming her 50/50 week on/week off visitation schedule. Nada. Husband only said that he doesnt want to rock any boats right now. Ergo, her room sits empty. Im thinking that conversations need to be had, but can wait.
Toxic Troll and SD16 Powersulk did ask husband to please deassemble the bunk bed and dispose of. He told me he would if he got paid to do it. I understand that he needs to keep things peaceful for the next 14 months. At this point I dont really care enough to care if he is helping Toxic Troll or not. I also am at peace with their moving to the beach town and having the (rapidly disappearing) chunk of cash.
One thought keeps cropping up. What happens if she simply doesnt return? Do we box and store? Does she return to grab what she wants to keep?
One feeling keeps cropping up. Although I totally understand that shes getting a bettter place, and its near her friends, I cant help but feel a sense of rejection. And I know that toxic and drama are always a part of Toxic Trolls existence, with Powersulk and Feral Forger and their bad relationship dynamics...what if things go way south, and SD16PS wants to come back to live with us? My hurt feelings want her off and away, instead of this weird in-between. Like decide already, rip that bandaid off! Box your chit and GTFO. Dont make us store your rancid bedding and clothes. I know I sound harsh. I just need to give things time to sort out.
Thanks for being there for me Steptalkers!
- CLove's blog
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Comments
I've got no helpful words but
I've got no helpful words but I want you to know I'm here to listen because I care about you. Give me a shout if you need an ear.
THANK YOU
Yes, it definintely helps and you have wonderful ears
The Mr says my ears are elfin
The Mr says my ears are elfin but he's just sucking up because I cook his food
Don't rush on clearing the
Don't rush on clearing the room. I let OSDs sit for just over a year before DH ok'd it's clean up since we were re-doing floors. In any case, I would have likely been pressing to re-do it around then anyway because it was clear OSD was not going to step foot in our house again and we needed a guest room. Then Covid - and now it is a guest room/my office.
Time off
Husband might just take it on himself. He wants to use this time off to paint the interior of the home, so he will have to box or move or clear her room very soon. She turns 17 in May, and graduates in june then summer vacay.
I just have the feeling she wont be coming back for visitations.
And then the question
Of what to do with that space. I certainly dont want some bozo in my home that I have to deal with, and we could definintely use the storage space.
Sounds good
Things are progressing in your life and your DH has been very busy! Can he come over here and help me? Lol.
I'd let SD's room as is for now. It sounds like you feel a sense of rejection but I doubt if she's given you or DH one thought with the beach apartment, money and proximity to friends. She will circle back at some point. So, I wouldn't take it personally. Enjoy the peace for now.
When he gets going
Hes an absolute machine. Plus he used to help his late father with yardworking and gardening.
Im thinking 4 months will be good - school starts then.
I would probably clean out
I would probably clean out her room myself over the summer if she hasn't come back by then. Dispose of the gross, faded, whatever and keep the nicer things. Just a general clean up so that it could be used as a guest room.
I just hope your DH keeps up with doing things for you guys and the new job works out great for him!
YES!!!!!
The new employer will start him with training and certifications, then he gets retirement bennies and insurance and bonuses for finishing jobs quickly. I hope it works out - prayers and good thoughts always appreciated.
Yes, Im going to wait until school starts up after seeing how it goes during the summer (job?)
I packed up Spawns side of
I packed up Spawns side of the room right before she graduated (she hadn't been to our house that entire year), it was disgusting. Used pads and tampons shoved under the mattress, a huge rat ball of her hair shoved in a drawer. Poopy underwear shoved in the back of the closet and rotting food in a backpack....I didn't want her accusing me of stealing any of her stuff, so EVERYTHING got boxed up.
Did you store?
Did you store it or send it on? lol. Sounds like my experience with SDnow24 Feral Forger. Except I didnt box her yuckies, and she never requested anything back. (I am so tempted to box up her stuff and send it to her place).
Heres a question: what should I do with things such as old baby clothes and the positive pee test strip? The Feral Forger stuff that Ive kept the past 6 years? Journals?
DH took all the bins and
DH took all the bins and boxes to her once she graduated, she was shocked we didn't throw all the stuff out, DH was like "Why, it’s your stuff." Just shows how little she thought of us.
I guess the baby stuff, journals, and pee stick (shudder) could be boxed up and kept in storage if your DH want's any of it, or given back the SD24 and SD16, I mean really unless he plans on displaying the pee stick lol.
Need to toss that chit, right?
Im torn. Keep, send, toss...
Im no contact with SD24 Feral Forger. I dont have her address. And want to remain no contact. I could get SD16 Power Sulk address and send to Toxic Troll (hehe)
Boxing things up and dropping
Boxing things up and dropping them off to her right now will scream "Petty and spiteful".
Just chill and enjoy having your home and your husband to yourself.
Chuck it and feel no remorse.
Chuck it and feel no remorse. They have forgotten it so why would you feel obliged to keep it? Chuck it.
That was certainly kind of
That was certainly kind of you to include ALL of her stuff! The big ball of hair and dirty underwater might be science projects!
Lol. I boxed up all the used
Lol. I boxed up all the used pads and tampons, too. They were YSD's property, after all
CLove, I think you need to reframe what's happening so you can see how it benefits YOU. We try so hard and want so much to be more than "just the SM" or "just dad's wife" that we lose sight of how GREAT it can be to embrace that outsider role. I wanted so much to be part of a family (since my own was awful), and feared rejection so badly that I was willing to abase myself for crumbs. It was only after years of poo and finally disengaging that I was able to grasp the considerable upside to being "just the wife".
You feel hurt that your DH's daughter isn't visiting, but what she's doing is normal. Teens are mercenary and self absorbed, so seek to enjoy the peace during this period of transition. Embrace being JTW - hell, make it your mantra! Let hubby box up her room to paint, and if he doesn't want to rock the boat, fine. The longer she stays away, the better as it creates space for you and your DH to discover how great an empty nest can be. This could end up being crucial as you know both SDs are going to struggle and will want to move back in again and again. Make empty nest life so great that your DH will never want to give it up!
The more you practice acceptance - the more you embrace all the hards truths and being nobody of any importance in Failed First Family poo - the further along you'll progress in disengagement, and your boat won't get rocked by SD drama.
Empty Nesters early
We are definitely having to get used to a new routine, especially since he is in betwen old job and new job.
Hes killing it in the weed picking and clean departments. Soon Im hoping some liquidation and painting will happen.
Thank you EJM, as always you are the voice of sanity, when I spiral into that vortex of negative.
This is the natural order of things, and husband is happy there is no drama and happy she has her own room and happy that there is no drama with feral forger. Its all quiet and just us. I REALLY need to get myself out of that fear of the future mode, and enjoy the time we have in the NOW.
When I start fixating on it, I stop myself verbally and visualise my new garden
Same thing happened with my SD
Same thing happened with my SD, who is now 21 and living on her own. After the incident where she almost got physical with me, she decided to run off to BMs and live there indefinitely. Her room sat empty with all her stuff in it, and DH didn't want me to touch it. I asked the younger two SD's if one of them would like to move in there instead of sharing a room. They didn't. So after a year with no contact from SD I took it upon myself to pack up her stuff in boxes in the garage. We moved twice before she finally came and got her stuff.
I didn't ask DH the second time. I just did it because we needed the space. By then DH realized she wasn't coming back. Ugh. Now I can't get her stop asking to come over - and I am happy to tell her no.
A YEAR
Holy Moly!!! thats a REALLY long time. Im giving it 4 months of me not saying a word or asking whats up.
I have a quote for you:
I have a quote for you:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
You are anxious a LOT because you are thinking about the future. What if! What if! What if!
And you are often hurt by things that happened in the past.
What if you just tried to live in the present?
What if you just ENJOYED this time without Pouty McPouterson around?
What if you just RELISHED the time you have with your husband and his efforts to make the house nice.
Trust that, if things change, and they surely will, you will handle them appropriately.
Don't let tomorrow steal joy from your today.
LOVE THIS
Thank you LDV.
Ill go for a walk in the sun-shiny sun and think about what Im going to plant in that newly cleaned backyard. But thank you.
I am jumping ahead and getting sad over something that hasnt happened yet.
And I love the what ifs...
Girl, it took me a LONG time
Girl, it took me a LONG time to stop people pleasing and trying to control everything.
I have always wanted to live in the moment and I've finally arrived. I have more peace on a daily basis because now I am primarily focused on controlling ME and I trust myself that I'm going to be good no matter what happens.
The peace is delicious. Highly recommend.
Lack of control is probs my thing
Ive always been frustrated that I was ALWAYS left out of any decision-making concerning the child living in my home. Like EVERYTHING. And now Im STILL left out of any decision-making or discussions.
Or even lack of discussions.
Why I worry about you is that
Why I worry about you is that you take so much to heart. You take it personally.
These people being self absorbed and selfish and inconsiderate doesn't mean anything about you. It's about their character.
You have tried too hard to be good and kind and inclusive of others, but the one problem is you expect them to be like you. You expect them to appreciate what you do and return the favor.
Your expectations lead to heartbreak. Take control of YOU and your happiness. Ignore Pouty's room. Enjoy all the other areas of your home that she's not peeing on, making messes, pouting in, etc. Walk into your kitchen and find it as you left it. Celebrate every day that you don't have to deal with her crap.
Yes, when the money runs out and TT is a hot mess, things will likely turn, but you'll be ready. You'll be so full of peace and confidence that you'll be strong enough to say "no" or set really strong boundaries about who lives in your house. And if your spouse and partner continues to make unilateral decisions, trust that you'll either stand up for yourself or kick him out/move out. You don't want that to happen but you cannot control anyone but yourself.
That's the thing, if my living arrangement with my partner of 4 years started to become him making unilateral decisions without any consideration for me, I'd move back to one of my houses.
Once you trust yourself to take care of yourself and you don't rely on the approval of others or need them for your survival, you can relax and live in the moment.
Thank you for such an
Thank you for such an inspiring quote! Love it!
Kids leaving stuff
We have a blended family of 5 "kids" now in their 50-60s. This is not a step problem, I've had some bio kids leaving stuff and some SKs taking all their things. Mostly, it's a problem of a kid being thoughtless or not planning. Sometimes, it's the issue where the kid feels a storage pinch so it's easier and cheaper to leave things at the parent's house. Often, they just forget they've left stuff. Regardless, whenever I've brought up the issue, the look I see on their face is, "You have room, why do you care?"
My DS, a big offender in the past, has had karma visited on him since he's moved about 4 times recently, each time toting his daughter's heavy boxes of memorabilia. He finally made her come get them and I think he got that same " Whats the big deal?" response. Lol
LOL
We dont have room so we def care.
Im just scared that barnicle friend will want to move in.
That needs to be your hill to die on.
That needs to be your hill to die on. If barnicle moves in - you move on.
No respectful married person
No respectful married person move unrelated people in (not talking minor children) without discussing and being approved by their spouse. It would be a sign for me that marriage isn't working. I don't even understand being afraid my DH would do something. He won't do anything without discussion because we don't have power imbalance and he respects me. I don't even understand friend being there more than once in awhile. I sure don't get it how some rando would just move in.
SS21 has moved in and moved
SS21 has moved in and moved out multiple times since he was 14. Every single time, my husband wanted to keep his stuff and room intact. I just went in and boxed things or donated to goodwill after 30days of vacancy. My husband would be pissed off but most times he wouldnt even notice. I kept clothes and gave them away to younger SSs who took them gladly
Give it until May and when he starts his new job, get rid of stuff. The key is to do it gradually or else they will notice
SS21 just had a falling out with my husband and is leaving. He left all his stuff here to move in with gf. He has piles and piles of dirty clothes. After this weekend the clothes will be washed and boxed and labeled and he will have until 4/30 to pick them up
hmmmm
You gave me the idea - her room is always closed. But we go in to feed the dragon that she has nothing to do with anymore. Poor guy.
Im thinking 4 months sounds like magic number - school starts. It might be sooner because she has been "talking" about getting a job and she would naturally want to stay at her mothers so she can easily get to a job which would naturally be closer to school and friends. SO either way it seems like a natural progression and Ill just feel it out with Husband.
Hopefull SS stays with GF!
I'd not be clearing out rooms
I'd not be clearing out rooms of minor kids still on CO. I'd not be doing that. I'd also leave it to a parent. Of course it's ok to clean it or reorganize but I'd not be emptying it or packing things.
As about friend moving in, it's not something to worry about. You just say "no". End of story. If you can't say no to your DH, it's a problem. But that's a separate problem from step situation. Minor kids belong with their parents no matter if they are obnoxious. Random friends of DH don't belong in your house. I hope you won't allow that
feral stuff could be tossed by now. Maybe dad wants to keep a container of memorabilia, that's normal, but not junky stuff.
Can't Add Much More
I'm late to the post. I agree with just packing the stuff up and storing. And re-homing the pet.
I hear your "heart" so much in that original post. I get feeling rejected. Been there. And while we can all try to tell you how to move on, it's a personal journey and sometimes, a LONG personal journey. I say all the time, "I'm in a better place finally." And yet, those past rejections by DHs kids will pop up sometimes. And there will always be triggers for me. I will probably not have bio grandchildren and while DH does, I have no connection due to being shunned from those babies. And yes...I'm over it. As my own daughter has said, even if they did a 90 degree turnaround, you can't "fix" what they did. It's there forever. So, yeah...sometimes, the rejection will still hurt.
I will encourage you to focus on the GREAT person you are. Identify your strengths and relish in those. Identify your weaknesses and work on those. After a while, you will be so confident in who you are, those "rejection" emotions will be less and less and not so intense.
Sending you a big ole CajunMom hug, CLove. You are a special lady with so much to give. Don't let those step issues lessen your worth, Friend. (like I did for too damn long).