To Quote Husband "And So It Begins"
This weekend was a roller coaster. Im getting emotional support from a few friends that Ive shared with and my parents.
My friend sent me a series of screen captures from Husband's Facebook post. He states "would you choose your facebook friends over your marriage?" and of course the ensuing comments.
Sunday he threatened to post negative things on facebook so I could spend the whole day (while he was fishing) in fear of what was coming, along with his text "f@ck you b!tch we are done. And now it begins".
Then that night after he arrived home and I was at my parents, he called my mom, while I listened in. He was calm, charming, sweet and stated that he was just letting go of toxic relationship because I wouldnt let go of my facebook relationships.
Which is not true at all. I blocked people from my past.
And now he is blocked and soon to be in my past.
Thank you Steptalk for supporting me and helping me through all of this.
I will be strong this time. ANd many more times. I will read and read and read.
Hes a classic narc. And hes dragging me into his toxic spiral down.
The sad-ish part is only 1 friend reached out to me after his post. And I saw a few comments from people I knew. And his comments "now Im going to get my life together and get my relationships with my daughters back".
He came home last night at 2, and we have started the separate rooms thing, and this morning he texted me all our photos around the house are going into a box now...and that hes moving into his daughters old room.
Im just very sad right now, but I will get through this and be stronger. I have been taking advice - staying clear and alcohol free, not responding to obvious digs and button pushing and making plans, getting my stuff to my parents house.
Thanks again folks.
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I hope you have had at least
I hope you have had at least one consult with a lawyer by now.. if not.. get on someone's calender this week.. asap.
I don't know if it's at all possible.. but you might be able to talk your DH into some sort of mutual agreement where you both walk away without mountains of legal debt.. even if itsn't the pie in the sky settlement either of you might want.
Do you think he might be willing to take let's say.. 1/2 the appraised value of the home? and his "personal" things.. boats, cars etc.. and you keep home furnishings.. and your vehicle and you both keep items that are sentimental/family heirlooms of each of your side? could you refinance your home or take an equity loan out to pay him out his half? or would it result in the house being sold.. you both split the proceeds and move on.
I'm not trying to let him off easy.. but the reality is that if you can come to a fair agreement or at least reasonably not lopsided.. and avoid huge legal bills.. you will both be better off. If you can avoid having to pay out spousal support.. retirement funds.. and the flip side is he gets to keep some assets like the cars and boats to balance? you might be better off in the long run?
I would at least talk to a lawyer first to ensure you aren't stepping in legal doo doo... but I might start like this.
Look DH.. Apparently you have been unhappy for quite some time and it's clear that you don't have feelings for me. I can promise you that I haven't cheated on you and have been faithful in our marriage, but I can see the writing on the wall and I agree we will both be better off if we split. I know you want a fresh start and think the best way forward is if we can figure out a separation of things without having to drag a lot of this through court. We don't have any shared minor kids.. so it's just figuring out how to split up our assets.. house, cars, boats etc... If we can figure that out in a way that is reasonably fair to both of us, we can quickly both move on and save a lot of hassle and money. it doesn't seem to be in either of our best interest to see thousands and thousands of dollars wasted on legal and court fees.
Would you be willing to sit down and see where we stand in coming up with a fair separation of our assets and obligations (any debt)? if we can do this on our own.. we can simply get a lawyer to process the legal side of it and that cost will be relatively small.
Im using this!
Thank you.
I do want to avoid ugliness and conflict and keep the house but I need to not lose everything I worked for.
I get you don't want to lose
I get you don't want to lose everything.. but I'm talking about a "fair" split.. one where you might not throw your retirement or spousal support into the mix at all.
Regarding the house.. is there a reason why you would be legally entitled to more than half of it.. or half of the equity? Did you own the home.. did he prior to marriage?
For the assets.. he has some cars/boats.. the value of? I'm sure in the grand scheme could be questionable.. he claims they are "junk".. but they are "his" junk.. and he will most likely want them... if you can dangle THAT in front of him.. he might become enamored with the payout from the house and keeping his toys and forget that he may have some claim to some spousal support or a share of your retirement.
I get that you may have contributed relatively more to things while married.. but it would be awfully tough to prove and in the end.. you would only get some share of those assets.. based on normal distribution rules.. not fairness.
REMEMBER.. none of this is going to be "fair." none of it. It's not fair that he is an AH. It's not fair that he got you to help him raise those kids.. it's not fair he didn't try in your marriage.. it isnt' fair he was intentionally unemployed and left you with burden.. it's nto fair he took eveyone's side but yours.. . You have to pick the "acceptable Loss" and move on.
The quicker you and he can figure out a way out.. the quicker you can put this dark period behind you.
So... again... not asking you to give up all you have worked for.. but consider.. .is it worth it to spend 10K to win 11K more and put yourself through the turmoil.. or go and risk losing 20K to add insult to injury..
So.. yes.. get yourself to a lawyer.. ask their advice.. the cost benefit of it all.. and perhaps you can get this sorted without you both ending up losing a lot of what you worked for.
If you have to fight it out in court.. let's say it is 400K value you are arguing over.. you each spend 15K on lawyers.. well.. now we are down to 370K.. and let's say he was willing to split the equity in the house 50/50.. and that was 300K of the 400..
you have 150K each that you would agree to so then you are fighting over 100K.. and spending 30K to do it? so you are splitting 70K.. how much does it realy matter whether that is 35/35.. or 40/30? etc...
the lawyer can arm you with realistic info on what you are entitled to.. and what your chances are of having to pay spousal support or a portion of your retirement.. (remember.. just the growth during the marriage is normally at stake.. if you had balance prior.. I don't think he gets that).
One of my more recent employees paid extra in CS and Spousal
One of my more recent employees paid extra in CS and Spousal Support in lieu of giving his X part of his retirement. As CLove I believe is a state employee, it may be significantly in her best interests to offer a notable Spousal Support component for a fixed duration while she is still working to preserve her retirement fully for herself.
It ultimately saved my former employee multiple $6figures while he paid his XW about an extra $100k over 10 or so years. His military retirement was worth in the $7figure range. After retiring from the military he went to work private sector making significantly more than he made in the military and paid spousal support out of that income while collecting his full retirement benefit rather than having to give his X half of his retirement.
DW's aunt recently retired after 40+ years as a state employee and she took $7figures out of her PERS account and invested it in an IRA while retaining a notable pension paid monthly from her remaining PERS account value.
It may be that the STBXH would jump at money now in the form of Spousal Support over a specific number of months rather than delayed access to half +/- of CLove's retirement. That can be paid out of payroll dollars rather than out of retirement funds so when CLove retires she is done with Spousal Support.
Just don’t do
this until you've talked to a lawyer and find out how your retirement $$$ will be impacted by the divorce. He or she may have insights we here on ST don't have and it would not be wise to agree to something that could end up hurting you.
I think you need to get off of all social media as nothing
I think you need to get off of all social media as nothing good is going to come from it. It just gives him an avenue to come at you, and then you get hurt when people are not supportive. I know it would be hard, but it is one thing that you can control.
Make appointments with a couple of lawyers this week, you really need to get some legal advice. If you don't already have it, get the specifics on his boats and cars so you can get an idea of what they are worth. ESMOD's suggestions are great, but you might need some hard figures to help with negotiations.
The sad-ish part is only 1
Ouch. That one particularly stings. (And good luck with that, bud.)
I agree with notsurehowtodeal: Take a break from social media. You can temporarily disable your FB account, for one--but I'd certainly let my attorney know about the current high school drama BS he has posted there and/or have a friend screenshot his public digs at you (without sharing them with you right now). Yes, please see an attorney asap.
He's a real piece of work, airing all of this on social media. The sooner you're done with this disaster of a man, the better.
Damn. I'm so sorry it has
Damn. I'm so sorry it has come to this, but from the sound of things, this was always a crappy relationship, except maybe in the very beginning. This guy has a bad past with baggage, both physically in the form of TT and the skids, and (clearly) emotional. A mentally healthy guy doesn't act like he does. I agree with consulting a lawyer like yesterday. Tell them you want a quick and fair split, but be prepared for the worst. With a guy like your STBX, you just don't know what he will do. He may react logically and agree to a quick fair split, or he may throw a mantrum and try to "stick it to you." Be prepared for either.
A few thoughts about social
A few thoughts about social media and friends.
First.. I don't actually think you need to be "off" social media. I do think you need to not ENGAGE on social media.
Look.. the reality is that when he posts on his page.. most people will be all.. "supportive" of his POV.. the fact that he is presenting a very skewed version of his reality.. well.. pish posh on accuracy right?
You need to document his posts.. and give him ZERO response or any posts for him to document.
You also need to forget about probably the majority of people you may have considered friends.. his relatives.. other people you know.. and thought were friends.. if they reach out.. the likelihood is they are just interested in sitting around the campfire.. and it's all fun and games until you realize.. YOU are the campfire and they give you advice and encourage you in non-productive ways. Or worse.. are moles for the otherside.. taking stories back for him to use against you.
So.. if your mom has a hard time not gossipping.. and is someone who thinks people should stay in even bad relationships? Do NOT confide in her.. period.
His cousin that was your best bud at the cookouts? Nope.. she isn't your friend either.. and it's sad.. but people with a link to him are not to be trusted.
The car trouble woman.. again.. she may seem "on your side".. but is she really?...... will she tsk tsk and share every detail at bingo on friday? or worse.. be working against you over jealousy because she doesn't hve the guts to leave her crappy marriage??
You can talk to basically two people with any candor.. your therapist and your lawyer. Everyone Else???? really .. barring your own digging to get info on your DH.. if you need to.. I would be pleasantly non communicative.
"ahh..it's tough you know?"... don't really like talking about it.
Yes.. very sad.. but we have to push on in life yes?
I don't know.. why? I just don't know.. drift off looking into the distance.
He said I was cheating on him.. .Do you really think I would do something like that.. shoot.. the way things are going... as much work as it is to take care of one... why would I want TWO???
Fact of the matter is CA is a
Fact of the matter is CA is a 50/50 state, and it doesn’t sound like he is going to be clear headed and reasonable about any of this. Get thee to a lawyer stat! He’s going to do his smear campaign on social media regardless, I mean he’s already started. Just block him and don’t trouble yourself with it. People are going to think whatever they want even if they are presented with both sides of the story.
I'm sorry to hear all often
I'm sorry to hear all often this clove! You were one of the first people on this site that welcomed me and I have been following you for a long time. It sounds like he's the toxic POS and your SD's were hard work, not to mention the HCBM too.
I hope you find your calm and peace after navigating this seperation, wishing you all the best!
Peace Floral
Thank you.
Its been a rough row to hoe. And to end it like this really super sucks.
I know you are kind, but it is long past time to end that with
I know you are kind, but it is long past time to end that with this POS narc.
Any chance of contacting your friend and STBXH's former employer who were considering legal action against him to see if you can bolster their cases?
Don't forget the expensive HVAC system he installed in his relatives shop in trade for the car restoration, that never happened. That could be spun as accounts receivable for his business and an asset he has that could offset some of his claim against your retirement, etc.. Put the data together on all of his side jobs that he was not paid for and add them to the balance sheet of his assets. Accounts receivable are an asset.
Get your pit bull divorce attorney engaged, and release the hounds of war on this POS. Let his own actions hang him and give complete information to chum the waters for your pit bull to go for STBXH's throat. As for those who have indicated they will engage in law suits against STBXH, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. At least for the divorce procedings anyway.
Document, document, document and copy anything and everything related to his business, yearly tax filings, his threats, texts, Social Media crap, etc, etc, etc... I would also roll in any costs related to his barnacle budy and TT, FF, and Princess Do Nothing incured during the marriage. Steamroll him in court and make it all public record. After the final hearing and the Judge issues the divorce order, send his family notarized copies of everything. All a product of his actions.
Would immediately filing for a separation order help protect the value of the assets in question and protect value growth from his grubby narc fingers? I would ask your pit bull.
Do not waste even one more pico-second of kind on this guy. Preserve that for yourself and those who are a positive part of your life.
Take care of you.
The irony is that
He thinks you were the sole source of him not getting along with his daughters, which they always do and never attribute it to their crappy parenting. I've known so many men that think this: if they just ditch stepmom, everything will be okay with their adult kids. Yeah, no! Kudos on exiting the Krazy Bus!!!! Keep strong, carry on and talk to an attorney
My husband too said that once
My husband too said that once I'm gone, he would have a better relationship with his kids loool..I was supposedly the reason for them failing/quitting school (because I refused for some of them to move in and for those who did live with us, they had strict rules to perform in school and I was making it "too hard" on them so they moved out to drop out of school), the reason for the drama between all of them and much more...Well I moved out and separated, it took 2 months for them to stop coming over and all had a big falling out with their father....
Too bad he and his kids couldn't blame it on me this time! Trust me it won't take more than 2 or 3 months before his daughters complete fall out with him because you no longer serve as the buffer/scapegoat for them and also because he won't have the home and comfort that they usually get when they come over and you are around!
It's nice that you can breathe and have your own room. Don't engage with his texts insulting you and don't worry about what he posts on fb. It's weird that he wants to control who is friends with you on a virtual platform but can't control his own relationships with his daughters and ex in real life. I told my husband a few times throughout our relationship that I have a father and he raised me so I don't need another parent to tell me what to do, he can use that energy with his SD25 who is an OF content creator and posts full nudes on her socials. I will never take control from a man who can't even get his kids together lol
You husband should keep and save that energy for his daughters and monitor what they do on socials and who they befriend. You have your own parents and you are grown...
You're doing so well in the
You're doing so well in the face of his childishness! Stay strong! Hopefully this will be behind you sooner than later and you can move on. Your life is about to be so, so much better without this dead weight loser dragging you down.