And he assured me the toxic cycle of dysfunction with skids ended with the divorce and would not continue into our household and with our kids

so years ago when the pathetic excuses came, I reminded hubby of that promise he made me and since sd's especially have shown they have no respect or regards for healthy boundaries and to be functioning independent members of society, i will not expose my kids to their toxicity and i refuse to allow their dysfunction, laziness etc affect our household and finances at the expense of raising our 2 young kids

hubby still struggles with cutting off eldest sd monthly allowance despite her being in fulltime employment since over 4 yrs ago because bio mum whom they hold in high regard even now disowned and abandoned them like she did ss, so eldest sd cares for younger sd with money she claims bio mum gave which is hubbys ca money but hubby suspects she isn't giving all the money but the argument isn't worth it. Hubby assured me the gravy train will emd early 2025 when he retires and skids are on their own financially as all will be adults

In a prior blog you said the following. "I personally think he should have said “Shut up, stop playing victim and feeling sorry for yourself. You’re acting like a failure right now and if you keep acting like a failure you’ll BE a failure. Be better and you’re 100% grounded from friends, phone, EVERYTHING until you start being responsible and stop acting like a lazy baby.”"

While your DH may not be effective the way he is handling it.. the above is absolutely wrong.. and in no way would any good parent speak to their child like that.. it isn't helpful.. it isn't caring.. and it isn't designed to do anything other than beat down the kid.  It's clear that for many reasons.. you resent her.. and some of those reasons may be valid.. and may be a direct result of your SO being a crap parent.. and a poor partner.  

Of course you can't be the only one who is concerned.. (I'm not so sure "care" is the right word in your case).. but stooping to low blow talk.. and mean words is not effective communication either.. clearly the kid is struggling.. and a lot more needs to be done to figure out why.. and to HELP her get in a better place with her schoolwork.  Maybe that means her parents have to sit with her EVERY night to do her homework with her.. yeah.. she should know better.. but it isn't happening.. maybe they need to enforce this habit?  Same with your other complaints.. he needs to spend more time and attention on HER to make sure she is doing things like being hygenic.. etc.. 

Of course.. that will take attention and focus from you and your relationship.. but his primary responsibility is his child.. and right now he is failing.. just being "nice" to your kid doesn't cut it (not saying that being mean is the alternative).. you need to be consistent.. and supportive and put in the work... that clearly has been missed in the past with this kid.  At 11.. it's not entirely too late for him to refocus her.. he needs to get on with it.. 

But.. you also do need to probably disengage a bit from the situation when it doesn't impact you directly.. because clearly your involvement has not been considered helpful or wanted.

I get being frustrated BUT you stated you were mean. Meaner than you should have been. That means you weren't fighting fair and there is no room in a marriage for fighting like that.

My opinion- You need to apologize to both of them.. Tell them you were wrong to yell or say any of the mean things you said. That you are just going to step back and let dad deal with school and and discipline. That it just is more stress than you can handle. That you only ever wanted the best for her and you really hope she is successful. 

The best and healthiest way for you to move forward is to stop being a parent. Be in the "fun aunt" role. Be there to celebrate, show support, ect but if something needs parenting- tell your husband and be done with it. Take emotion out of it. When something isn't going the way you think it should, remind yourself that she isn't your child. Back away from the situation. 

I've been in a fight with my DH like that too. While I wasn't mean I was certainly very very direct and didn't hold back. Saying many of the things you did. He abruptly ended the argument, inadvertently, when he said, "But I'm the DAD!" I immediately stopped talking, looked at him and said, "Yes, you ARE the parent." And that was my absolutely fully disengaged moment (I did things then to try to help, partially disengaged). I accidentally engage now and then, it never ends well even with small things).

Stay disengaged. Remain polite and firm. Learn phrases like "Good" and "Interesting" and "No". Non-committal phrases work great.

I love my DH, I don't love his parenting style. And now that OSD had disappeared and YSD has started to, things are a lot less stressed, even DH has admitted this. So it works if you and your DH have a strong relationship outside of the skids.

My skids were out of the house when DH and I married so I didn't have all these parenting issues. But DH was Friend Parent, and that has its own version of damage into adulthood.

I did have several horrible meltdowns where I said some things I regret. DH is a gentle soul and he handles strong negative emotion badly. Disciplining his kids was beyond him because it might hurt their little fee fees.  BUT I truly believe it took all that on my part to push him to the point where my unhappiness was more important than his unwillingness to set boundaries around money and behavior with his "adult" children.

And I had to set some pretty firm boundaries, to the point of leaving the marriage if they were crossed. And DH knew I would leave, and had the means to do so. His and BM's inability to parent was not going to make me miserable and a party to their dysfunction. Prior to setting boundaries, I felt like I was the crazy one -- I had never seen friend parenting before. I spent several years with a good counselor to get to the point of knowing what it was I needed from my DH. Highly recommended.

We did work through it and are still together and happy. I have very little relationship with his kids, though, other than general civility. It works for us.

Been there, done that. The sad fact is, it needed to be said. You were holding back to spare his feelings, but he needs to hear it and see how much this is hurting your relationship. Next time, try not to wait until the dam bursts before telling him this. If you are getting to that point of frustration, your message may be lost in the delivery. (ie: screaming, crying...) I know how awful this feels and I am sorry you have to go through this. 

My DH used to say "Why are you always threatening to leave me? That is so hurtful" I would reply "Because that is the only time you ACTUALLY listen to what I am saying and take my feelings into account."  My DH came around but it took 12 years, and now his kids are all but grown up. He is feeling the repercussions of his lack of action all those years. He is estranged from 2 out of 3 of his kids, and they are not doing well in life. Now they are blaming him for their lack of ability to adult. Go figure.

Unfortunately you just may have to completely disengage from the situation.    If she continues to have missing assignments, so be it.   Continues to flunk her classes, so be it.   I completely understand your frustration, and DH isn't helping the matter at all by being so damned passive about it.  

I would highly recommend counseling for yourself just so you can preserve whatever mental health you have left.

All 3 of my SKs moved in unexpectedly over a 9-month period, a huge episode in my life.  I acted as a mother figure to them and things worked well enough except for YSS, DH's fave.  DH never backed me up with YSS, a witty, likeable boy who wasn't very close to me.  I kept having to go to school for meetings about his behavior but DH and YSS always laughed them off.  YSS was messing up in other areas but DH just would not see it.

The next time YSS was suspended, I refused to go.  DH, who hates that type of confrontation, had to go and was furious at YSS.  That was the last school episode. I also disengaged from driving YSS to his year-round sports activities and everything else.  I was still polite, still made family meals, did family laundry, etc, but nothing special.  DH took over all of YSS's discipline ( If you can call it that).

I think all 3 of us were relieved.  As I look back, I think YSS might have wanted more of DH's attention which probably seemed limited with 5 kids, me and a hectic job.  DH always liked interacting with him and I felt less frustration.

Flash forward and YSS55 is an excellent father and successful salesman.  Some of his lack of self-discipline has had negative effects on his life.  He and I still have a polite and civil relationship altho we arent close.  Its fine.

I have done something similar. I believe I also threw out "Precious SS who can do no wrong". Oops. I was in a fiery rage. We all get to the point where what we have been thinking just comes out. I'm not proud, I probably shouldn't have said it, but I was feeling the same as you- like he was always telling SS yes, never following through on punishments, and he just wanted to be SS's friend. There was also favoritism towards SS16 vs. SD13. 

I will say DH has improved in many areas, and he's on SS pretty hard about a lot of things now (of course, not always the things that are important to me). But I try to disengage from school stuff, most discipline, and money DH spends on skids. I draw the line at letting the house become a pigsty and me doing all of the cleanup. I have to bite my tongue HARD sometimes because I don't agree with how DH is handling situations. But I try to remember the NACHO mantra- You may not agree with DH's parenting, and you may think he is being too lenient, letting them get away with too much....but you need to trust your partner to parent their kids as they see fit. For the sake of your marriage. This is sooo hard for me. Sometimes I keep quiet solely because the thought of fighting about a skid is exhausting to me and not worth it. I would absolutely step in if I think there is a chance one of these kids won't launch because of DH's lack of parenting. So far we are on a good path. 

All that aside, the anger from this fight will lessen, but then I think you need to determine if you think your words will alter DH's behavior towards SD. No? Then you have a bigger decision to make. Can you live with this, and have a kid with him? Or can you try to let go of some control and not give it the space it's holding in your head, for the sake of your happiness and relationship? Do you think a calm sit-down about your concerns would help anything? If you get to the point where nothing will change, the only thing you can do is change YOUR way of thinking about it and responding, or leave the relationship. 

I feel for you. This is a hard gig, especially when you have a Disney Dad on your hands. 

Or even the the next 7yrs until SD-11 ages out from under the CO?

Those.... IMHO, are the questions you need to answer for  yourself.

Also keep in mind that... this is an 11yo. A very young child. Just barely a pre-teen and not even close to being into the horror teen years.  On that variable, you may have come on too strong. If she was 15 and useless, that might have been less inflamatory.

As for strategy to recover a foundering teen... We sent ours to Military School.  Just as my parents did with theirs, and my dad's parent's did with theires.  Keep it in mind... in another few years if.... DH does not extricate his head from his own ass, and SD's ass from hers.