SD 11 Dating Drama
SD11 comes home from school the other day and completely out of the blue tells us she has a boyfriend. For weeks before this she was telling us she had a crush on a totally different kid. Now some random kid we haven't heard of is her boyfriend. Okay, whatever, pre-teen, middle school crushes/dating. I get it.
Fast forward, all of a sudden she's coming home telling us how "his ex-girlfriend is crazy" and wants to "beat her up" and she "chased her and her boyfriend" at school. Then proceeds to tell us that she has already talked to all her friends and her 'boyfriends' older brother and that "they have a plan for WHEN this girl tries to beat them up" and that she is "GOING to defend herself."
Apparently this girl is on her basketball team at school.
My honest opinion is that my SD is doing this all on purpose. She's addicted to attention (even though she gets so much at home) and she loves the "shock factor." She's incredibly immature. She wants the entire world to revolve around her and everyone to pay attention to her 24/7 but she's a follower at the same time.
Her whole family thinks she's just this sweet and innocent little girl but I see right through it. She's a manipulative and self centered attention whore.
I think she knows this breakup between this guy and her fellow classmate just happened and she saw it as an attention opportunity and swooped in and wanted to date him right away *knowing* damn well it would make this other girl upset and cause drama, and, viola, all the attention on her!
I could tell by the way she was talking about it that she was getting all excited about it and was obsessed with talking about "fighting" this girl.
Not once has she even mentioned anything she even likes about this kid. She doesn't even know him. I don't even think she likes him at all, I think it's just a ploy for attention.
Honstly I'm embarrassed by my SD and her behavior. Her mom was super trashy like this growing up and I don't want her acting like this and getting all this negative attention. I don't want teachers/coaches/other parents thinking of her in this way, especially if I'm known as her stepmom.
I also don't want to let her behavior affect my reputation. I'm well known in the community. I sell real estate and my name and face are all over this town/county. I've worked so hard building this and it feels unfair that I have to worry about an 11 Y/O brat (that I had no part of making) affecting my business just because I fell in love with her dad.
This sucks. None of my friends understand because they're not step parents but I know you guys get it. 
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Where's DH in all of this?
Where's DH in all of this?
He had a talk with her.
He agrees with my to a certain extent. I brought it up to him and he said he doesn't want her talking about this "fighting this girl" thing anymore and that it will stop or else she's not allowed to date this kid anymore.
I could tell he was a little resistant to a few of my viewpoints on it though. Although he might agree with me for the most part, he's still "daddy" to his only child preteen daughter and sometimes he wears the rose colored glasses.
I always ask him to have these talks with her when I am not there because she acts so awkward in front of me in serious situations and so I never really *know* how these talks go.
He said he talked to her on the way to school yesterday morning and said it "went well." So, I hope she takes this to heart and stops trying to be some trashy "hard" girl.
I just wish she were a different kid. I feel so hopeless sometimes.
Well I can tell you where he
Well I can tell you where he is going wrong- there is no 'boyfriend' at age 11, neither is there talk of 'dating'- they are not teens, they are pre-teens, you can have a crush or like someone but talk of boyfriend/dating should be entirely off the table!
My SD would act this way all the time, she ended up shacking up at my MIL's with boys at age 16- knocked up by 20 (at least she got that far).
She also had fights, and had physical fights -maybe a few years older then that, but not by much.
You’re right.
You're right, and I did tell him he needs to have a talk with her about this whole "boyfriend" thing. He did and said it went well but I never really know how these "talks" go because I leave it up to him and prefer not to be around when these discussions happen.
I actually told my fiancé the other day that I do genuinely worry that she will be the girl that ends up pregnant in middle/high school because she'd addicted to attention and she will eventually fall into the trap of being so desperate for attention from a boy or because of her desire to fit in and be popular will shack up with some boy at school.
He didn't like that I said that and just tried to paint it as "Well I sure hope that doesn't happen and I'll make sure I'm not allowing the opportunity for things like that to happen."
Yet, I personally don't feel like the situation is under control at this point. I think my fiancé has turned a blind eye to a LOT of her bad/damaging behavior over the years.
I’ve raised three kids (2 bio
I’ve raised three kids (2 bio, 1 step) all of them sucked during their middle school years. Those years I wish we could have just skipped over. Spawn (SD) started stealing peoples underwear and wearing them during middle school, she also started stealing her friends boyfriends during middle school. BS started going into adult chats online in middle school and “friending” people who started sending him stuff in the mail (nothing nefarious, but still). BD would come home and cry and tell us how this person or that person was going to “beat her a$$” for doing XYZ she also started doing the whole “I’m bisexual, non-binary, rainbow farting unicorn” during that time period. Thankfully the fever breaks and they become full blown teenagers with a rife new set of drama, but I will say once middle school and that age range was done the teen years were not too god awful.
Ugh.
I feel the pain reading this comment. You are spot on, I wish I could just skip over these years that are about to come my way. It makes it even harder that I don't have children of my own, yet I have to deal with the consequences of his daughter, that I didn't create.
She has already done the whole "I'm bisexual" thing, starting at 10! She's not, it was definitely a ploy for attention. We could give this girl attention 24/7 365 and it would still never be enough for her.
Thank you for your comment though and for the hope in the future after this mess is over with. I wish I could fast forward.
Oh, the drama.
I have SD10 and she's going through the same kind of phase. Everything is dramatic. Everything is awful. Constantly complaining about this person and that. Always focusing on the negative. It's draining my own energy lately. She has a friend who has a "boyfriend" right now and it's been a hot discussion. DH and I think she was feeling us out to see what we say about her dating. We told her that at their age, they aren't really dating... just hanging out at school, but we don't approve of any dating for a few more years. She seemed to understand, but DH, myself, and BM all know we can't stop her if she finds someone she likes.
But, on some other level your SD sounds a lot like mine. Everyone thinks she's so sweet and kind and wonderful, but I hear her when she talks to her friends. I hear how bossy she is and often unkind with her words. She treats them like crap sometimes. The other day, DH told me SD was having a hard day because she was fighting with a friend. I told him she's at a stage in her life where she might start losing friends. She's also been gossiping about her friends behind their backs. We talked with her about that last week. I reminded her that she should treat people the way she'd want to be treated. I asked her how she would feel if she found out her friends had been talking crap about her behind her back? She said, "Oh, it would probably make me sad." I told her that is probably how these other people would feel if they knew what she was doing. I don't think it'll stop her. I mean, let's face it, all humans gossip, but there's a lesson to be learned when you're 10 and figuring out social stuff like this... I think she's gonna be pretty hurt the first time it happens to her. I will not be feeling sorry for her. All I can say is, hang in there. It's only going to continue as she gets older. Middle school is the worst for drama. But, teaching your SD how to act in public is an important lesson for her too. Especially since her actions and behaviors will affect you and your job. Hopefully she learns to stop acting like a member of the Jersey Shore cast.
You get it!
Thanks so much for the advice and words of encouragement and sharing your own story. Sounds like our SDs are similar. Yup, everything is SOOOO dramatic and my SD acts like "the drama just follows her." No.... it's because she causes it. I'm not dumb.
She is always playing victim yet I have seen how she instigates and can't leave shit alone and pokes the bear, waiting for all the attention to be on her.
Lately, she's also becoming so OBSESSED with being "popular" and trying to get as many new friends as possible. I'm all for her having more friends but I feel the intentions are ill. She is becoming so desperate to be popular that she's getting involved with and starting drama to become/stay relevant.
Everytime she comes home flapping her lips about the latest drama I just want to walk into my room and shut the door and tell her I don't care. Sounds awful but it's true.
Parents, fathers mostly of
Parents, fathers mostly of middle school girls need the book Odd Girl Out. As a veteran of middle school years, turning a blind eye to girl drama gives it permission to continue. Dads especially don't get it. In fact they can make it worse. Denial is rampant among daddies. IMO&E
Yes!
I love my fiancé dearly but yes, he is in denial. I've called him out on this several times over the 3 years I've been with him.
He seems to register SOME of the things I say and even when he agrees with me it's the "doing something about it" that seems to stump him. I feel like he thinks he's really setting himself apart as a parent and raising his child instead of letting other kids, school and the world influence/raise her and I just personally think he lets wayyyyy too much slide.
I'll look into this book and order a copy and find a gentle yet stern way to approach him with it.
Thank you for the suggestion.
How 'mature' could an 11yo possibly be?
And how much 'dating' can an 11yo possibly do?
Not much of either is likely.
The attention seeking drama queen-let ... absolutely.
I would just tell her to zip it, go put on her footy PJs, and brush her teeth before she goes to bed. Don't ascribe mini-pseudo-adult status to this prepubescent little girl.
smh
*nea*
Truth!
Yes! I feel l need to do a better job at disengaging because you're absolutely correct.
I really just want to find a way to shut it down but instead, I just sit quietly when she's saying all this stuff that talk to her dad about it when she is out of the room.
Attention seekers
I have 9 gkids, both bio and step. Out of the 7 girls, 2 were and are attention-seeking drama queens. They are both good, sweet people, one is 39, the other is 31, but from Day One, they've been exhausting to be around. Some people are just wired like this, I've decided. As they've aged, they've each toned it down some, thank goodness. But for an introvert, like me, or to someone with no kids, like you, these dramatic people are a challenge. Good luck.
Thank You
Thanks for your insight and sharing your experience with me. I truly hope as she gets older this will fade. She seems slow to mature compared to her peers and I hope she gets a wake up call soon. In the meantime I am learning to disengage and not let it affect me so much.