O/T: Phew. And the backlash begins.
The past 24+ hrs have been rough. For both of us.
The recent time line backstory.
Last evening after checking the mail we got a statement from our new mortgage company, we got sold, that our monthly payment was going up by $500/mo. A tax and insurance escrow shortage over the past year apparently. And the purchasing mortgage company's intent to build a two month "cushion" on our escrow. Which is not a term of our original mortgage and not going to happen. Which I will call the new mortgate company about in the AM.
DW read the letter, got a bit frustrated, then stewed on it for a few minutes and started cycling on how she tortured herself for the past few years to support our home, car loans, etc.. while I was looking for a job after my 2yr job hiatis during my last RIF and the first year of COVID. I got frustrated about another dive down a tense frustrated situation that is not all that bad. That started the shit storm of frustration, yelling, etc..... for both of us.
Most of last evening we worked on reconnecting (not using intimacy), working through the frustration and hurt feelings. We got to a comfortable supportive place together last night and this AM.
This afternoon, she reads me a short blurb in the COSTCO mailer that talks about intense ongoing MusculoSkeletalNerve pain that 10-18% of Shingles sufferers have and how that is what she has. I commented that we do not know that is the case for her.
That kicked off another round of frustration, arguing, her feeling unsupported and me taking the perspective that I did not say the things she is ascribing to our last 24-ish hours of arguing. What she heard, and what I said/meant are not the same thing. As the communicator is this case, I own most of that.
I have never tried to discount her pain, either physical or emotional, through our/her recent life and career transitions. My perspective is that she is brilliant, together we are brilliant-er, and we can work through the issues, get the medical/etc... support needed and be okay.
She feels she is not allowed to be anything but optimistic and to present as perfectly healthy. She has snapped that she does not know what she is supposed to do or what more I want her to do. She moved to where my job his, she left her former firm, etc....
I feel guilty, I feel angry, I feel hurt. Yes, Rags is referencing feelings. I feel for her. I want her/us to be okay. I am aggrivated that she believes I made her change jobs, etc... I worked hard to not put my foot down and demand she leave that toxic place. While I wanted just that, I feel that I held firm to it being her choice while pointing out the various things she repeatedly referenced about that situation. That everyone else has pointed out to her as well. Friends, family, STalkers, our son, etc...
I know without a doubt that together ,applying our notable combined capabilities, intellects, and love for each other, we can get through this.
Hopefully, my eternal optimism is right.
Phew.
We have some work to do.
Now... I am going to go throw up.
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I read an article a few weeks
I read an article a few weeks back about better communication between partners and it recommended asking " are you looking for comfort or solutions?" My DH is using this with me now and it's very effective. I have to think and be sure what I want. Most the time is comfort aka just hearing me out. ( I think he tunes out sometimes too LOL). At least we aren't arguing about expectations instead of giving our partner what we need. Try it out. See if it works better for her.
I'm sorry the past few days
I'm sorry the past few days have been rough (I think every single one of us here knows those times all too well!) I don't have much advice other than if she feels she has nerve pain from shingles, I would be inclined to believe her... that is if she isn't the hypochondriac type. Perhaps encourage her to talk to her doctor about it, offer to go to an appointment with her (and then maybe to a yummy lunch after!).
"Let's start all over today"
That's the phrase both DH and I have used after blowups when we are both right, both hurt and both wanting to move on.
Very interesting, JRI!
Very interesting, JRI!
And much like the system that we use at Chez grannyd. When an argument gets out of hand, either my husband or I call "Pax" and shake hands. "Pax" cannot be denied, even if one of us is still smouldering. However, we do not call "Pax" frivolously. Only when an argument reaches a critical ‘point of no return’.
TY all for your suggestions. We decided on a safe "word".
It is actually a short sentence.
When I suggested a safe word, she asked "Marakesh?" That did not grab me. So I suggested "Fez?". It struck me as more fun and helpful. She replied through a giggle .... "What the Fez! ?" She wanted it to be something that we do not use in regular conversatoon. That... is brilliant. Of course it is, she thought of it.
So, our safe phrase is "What the Fez!"
It works. It breaks the tension, gives us a moment to reset the direction of a spiraling coversation/disagreement and .... it initiated a deep, tearful, meaningful discussion.
She needs more time to heal. She feels guilty about leaving her firm, abandoning her former team mates in the trenches during Tax season, with no clue how to work paperless (she piloted and built the training for it over the past year and a half working remotely), no idea how to work with they new softward (she worked with it before, advised over and over and over again that they use it as designed including all of the capabilities over the past year and is the SME on it because no one else would pull their heads out of their assess and learn it), and I undermined her comforting foundation as she is still healing, navigating the new firm, battling guilt, etc...
I also asked the "do you want comfort or solutions?" question. That drove some discussion.
I will keep morphing how I figure out how to be me within this new context of us, how I can help her be her within this new context of us, and as she embraces her guilt and her new oppowtunity.
My waffle man brain does not get it, I do not understand embracing and repeatedly engaging in pain, guilt, etc... For me, it is as easy as ... making a different choice.
I did catch myself getting frustrated during our post safe phrase discussion. But, I played an internal "What the Fez!" and just listened and comforted. She did get some of it out in a way that I understood.
Men and women really do have very different emotional and mental processes.
I am exhausted.
She has to be completely drained.
"Different emotional and mental processes"
Different but better. Lol.
The rumination over the
The rumination over the painful exit from her job is the brain's way of coming to terms with it. All the could of, should of , second guessing stuff. Did she make a pro/ con list before? If she's truly stuck , writing it out might help. Also, I would remind you of the mantra around here: you can't care more than the bio parents. As in, she shouldn't care more than the owners/ bosses of her previous employer. From the sounds of it, she did care, way more than she should have. Toxic situations are called toxic for a reason and the brain gets addicted to the chemicals the brain makes when deep into a toxic situation. Getting out is a process that takes time. Patience and love on your part is what you need. You can't fix this for her, she needs to go thru the process. It's hard Rags, to watch but you most certainly do not want to stand in the way and drag it out longer. You're a good man and you will figure it out.
"The escrow account often
"The escrow account often must be “front-loaded” at closing, to give the lender a little cushion to make sure the money will always be there when needed. Under federal rules, a lender can collect enough escrow funds to cover your annual bills, plus two monthly payments, plus $50."
It looks like you may want to see exactly what the terms are.. and whether they can do what is federally allowed.. or whether there was a stipulated cushion that differed from that.
It's a triple whammy that you are having to deal with both a deficit.. plus having to start paying a new higher amount due to the actual costs having gone up (insurance has def gotten crazy).. and then a bit more on top to get them to that 2 month cushion space.
I guess the silver lining is that with your wife's new job.. it will maybe be a bit easier to pay? and hopefully your rate is pretty good.. rates are going up now too.. which makes it harder for people to afford a home!
(I'm going to post a 2nd comment about the other issues).
The issue isn't affordability, we can more than afford it.
The issue is .... it lands at a time when DW is overwhelmed with change, stress, guilt, etc... My pointing out that it isn't a big deal was ill timed. She was in vent mode and I missed the need to listen rather than problem solve. A man brain faux pas.
I went through our closing statements/PPW on Sunday and found exactly what I expected to find. The original mortgage company did not include the 2mos cushion. So, my stance is that the company that bought our mortgage can't either and can F-off. If they push it, I will play the lawyer card, we have done it before when a mortgage company tried similar crap. The law is that a underestimate of escrow must be repaid by the home owner... but... the home owner has 2yrs to do it... penalty and interest free. So, they can either back off on the 2mos cushion, or... they can drop the escrow requirement and allow us to direct pay our HO insurance and our own taxes. We have far more than enough equity to get out of the escrow.
When finance companies try this crap, it chaps my ass. We find that it happens every time we have purchased a new construciton property. It has yet to happen when we have purchased a resale property. One would think that companies who finance home purchases as their business would be able to far more accurately estimate the Taxes and Insurace to get the TI part of the PITI payment right. In our experience, they have yet to get it right. I have purchased 6 homes in my life. 3 new construction, 3 resale. All three new construction home purchases we have had this same or similar shit with a Mortgage company shoving their head up their ass and attempting to pawn their ineptitude off on us. So, we use it to get out of escrow completely at no cost to us, no need to get a new property value estimate, as we do not give a shit if they get their money immediately... or over the 2yr non penalty/interest pay back of escrow shortage period. Their call. Either way is fine with us. The previous 2 mortgage companies wanted the Escrow arrear money immediatley. So, we told them we will immediately transfer that money upon recieved a letter stopping all escrow and providing us with the PI only monthly payment amount. Poof, no more TI payment component and no more mortgage company escrow games. For some reason, they like their money now rather than over a 2yr period.
Our rate is pretty good. So, we will not be refinancing any time soon. Our market position is fairly strong but we are certainly on the down slope of value as the housing market adjustments continue.
Grrrr.
I really detest inept idiots.
I understand why they would
I understand why they would want the money that they have already paid to your insurance company and real estate tax authority. If the money had not been escrowed... you would have already paid it yourself.. I looked at the law and it appears that if your deficiency is less than a one month escrow.. they can ask that to be paid within 30 days.. if it is more.. it must be spread over at least 12 months.
I am guessing in your case the issue is compounded by taxes and insurance being more than what was estimated by your prior company.. perhaps there already was some amount of shortage to begin with that they had not dealt with.. or maybe it's just that now the projection with new estimates of tax and insurance are more.
I do know that with real estate prices rising in some areas so quickly.. it may be that your county has increased the assessment or rate on your home. (I am fairly certain you can check that against what the mortgage company is saying they are estimating). I also know that insurance premiums for many people are going up very unexpectedly... I know that my insurance for a 2nd home we have went up by over 1500 dollars last year when we renewed! and depending if you have other types of ins.. like flood etc.. it may not have been totally predictable and this new company is just using what the current numbers are vs what you paid in the past (that might not be accurate any longer). Have you looked at both your taxes and insurance to see if they have both gone up significantly.
In the end.. the 2 month cushion is a hedge to them against getting in a position again when your costs go up unexpectedly.. and it isn't perpetually 2 months a year... once you have a 2 month cushion.. that pretty much remains constant in the account.. so all you would be paying in escrow at that point would be the regular expected payout.
I would look hard at what the 2 mo cushion value is factoring in vs actual increases (and repayment of money they have already spent on your behalf).
And.. I get that you are upset.. and I think upset because it caused a fight with your wife. and you are wanting to punish someone... but in the end.. I also have read that ESCROW is one area that a new servicer can change on you..
Escrow
The one point on which the new mortgage servicer can dictate new rules is escrow. If your mortgage contract says specifically that you don't have to put insurance and property tax payments into escrow, that won't change. If the contract doesn't say one way or the other, however, the servicer can insist on escrow even if the original lender didn't. The servicer may also recalculate your escrow payments and require you increase them if they're not enough.
So, by all means push back if it makes you feel better.. but it looks like they may well be entitled to do what they are doing.
Though.. if the deficiency is more than one month's escrow amt as newly calculated.. legally they have to give you a minimum of 12 months.
TY for the clarification.
The last two new home purchases we leveraged this situation to get out of escrow completely while not putting 20% down. When they want money, they are usually willing to get their money now rather than wait. We owe the money, no doubt. We have both previous times as well. We offer to pay them immediatley if they waive escrow.
I will see if it will work a 3rd time.
Hope it works... I actually
Hope it works... I actually prefer to be in control of those payments myself.. mortgage companies have been known to forget to pay! I get that they have an interest in ensuring things are paid too... but we are the ones ultimately on the hook!
I do think there is a lot of
I do think there is a lot of inner dialogue going on with your wife. I do feel like she is still not 100% secure and happy with the choice she made for her job.. and it's easy to scapegoat you as the one who MADE her do it.. and all her insecurities come rushing out about it.. her guilt.. her worries over your working.. all of it.. just rushes back to the surface.. and while it may have started out fine.. she may also be conditioned to be worrying about that other shoe dropping and finding out the new place isn't as nice as it seems now.
Then.. if she is having some lingering issues regarding shingles.. I know you maybe were trying to make her feel better.. that "Hey.. that's probably not the case for you.. don't worry".. when she is saying.. Hey.. I'm in pain.. I want your sympathy and support.. not telling me it's not as bad as I think it is. The reality is that ongoing shingles impacts can be rather long term.. and my DR actually said the chance of having long term issues was much higher.. than the stats that she saw on that flyer... so if she is concerned.. I would encourage her to see her dr to see what else they could do for her going forward.
and.. finally.. I think we see some of your natural nature here. You are a no-nonsense kind of guy.. and yes.. you have feelings.. but tend to project hardline approaches to conquering problems... and that may but up against your wife's need to feel heard and supported.. and sometimes just be allowed to "whine" without you trying to fix what's wrong for her. and maybe she feels that she has to be "positive".. because when she isn't you want to attack her problems and get them fixed.. when sometimes.. we just are unhappy about somethign.. but can't change it much.. or the change is worse than the existing situation.
Also.. be mindful that all changes are stressors.. even GOOD ones.. so you may see the new job as a fix.. she may be still very stressed over the transition.. and it makes her fuse of frustration shorter.... she may also have her own frustrations of being told what to do sometimes.. when she may not think that the reverse is recieved as well? Just things to consider.. and may or may not fit your situation... but obviously.. that safe phrase.. to de-escalate will hopefully stop you both from going down a dead end rabbit hole too often!
Sigh... thank you ESMOD.
I know you are absolutely right.
She pointed out that she feels that now that the decision has been made and she has left that I am done with the challenges that she is still very strongly dealing with.
I will follow your example and do some reasearch. Including asking my own docs about the related post flare up pain for Shingles. I know it is an extremely painful condition. I have never had it, but my whole life I have had flare ups of (simplex 1) when I am stressed, ill, etc.... Basically oral Herpes. I blame my dad. He has always had them, I get them. Mom and my younger brother do not. So, thanks for that kiss dad, no doubt when I was an infant.
Those hurt. I could not immagine the scope of pain associated with a large surface area breakout of Shingles (Herpes Zoster). I know it has a close relationship to nerves and a component that follows nerve paths. Hers... is in her Sciatic nerve paths apparently. I have asked my docs about it and .... done some Web MD and Shmoogle research. Just enough to be dangerous probably.
Thanks for the clear message and guidance.
It is appreciated.
Changing jobs is up there
As a top life stressor.
And Shingles flare is caused by stress, Im thinking.
Yep to both.
She has had three Shingles flare ups in 2 years. My guess it my clueless insensitivity may just launch another.
I hope not, I do not want her in pain. Ever. For any reason.
But, that is not something I can make happen.
DH and I just had a day like this after we came back
from vacation and were stressing about moving in two days. We just kept arguing it took us both wanting to just start the day over and try to communicate better and listen to the other person better. That was after maybe the 8th argument of the day but then we were good the rest of the day.
Stress can totally do this. Whether it be a new job, health problems, financial problems, etc. You two will get it right, but it is hard when being frustrated about something and then when trying to talk about miscommunication happens that frustrates both people further. Sending positive vibes your way!
Thank you everyone.
As usual, the wisdom, advice, and support is what I need to keep my head out of my own butt.
Thanks again,
Rags
Rags I dont think you should
Rags I dont think you should question your behavior. You have been supportive and gentle with your spouse while she is dealing with a toxic workplace and overworking herself
She cannot blame you for leaving something that had 0 benefit to her mental or physical health.
My husband too sometimes tries to blame me for choices he made when all I did was support him. Sometimes,they make a choice that they dont like and they view your support as something that allowed them to do the choice and blame you for it....you have to be careful when giving support to always leave room for them to think by themselves
Its nice that you are attempting to work on your relationship but the marriage is not the issue here. Your wife needs to work on her issues with cutting ties from the toxicity.
I also wonder why anyone who deals with chronic pain related to an illness like shingles would want to put themselves through more BS with work unless they really need the money.
Stay strong and ignore the noise. She will come around eventually. Financial changes can be tough for all marriages but you have been together for decades so thats nothing...
I know ppl on here including myself who have dealt with worse in their marriages and have weathered the storm so your issues are definitely not impossible to resolve
Relax and have a dring and a cigar. Life is short and bickering/arguing at this age is for the birds and will not help you or your wifes health
Sending you and your wife much encouragement through this and lots of wishes for a happy retired life