Step daughter & family for Christmas
Always stressful when 36yr old SD comes to visit, usually just she and her son. Her son is almost 12, and acts like a child meddling into everything. I can ask him to stop doing something before he breaks what he's meddling worth and she quickly says that if he breaks it, she'll replace it. I've explained that isn't the solution that he needs to stop when asked to. DH just doesn't see it. After her last visit she sent me a long text (in another post) apologizing because my name came up in her therapy session about her mistrust of ME and she wonders what my motives have been. She apologized and said she was going to try to do better. First read, it sounded "nice", but then why was it even necessary to tell me that, more than once. I've been nothing but nice to her and her family, sending gifts, Easter candy, bringing gifts when going there (she lives 11 hrs away in Florida). Last trip when we went there, it was 3 days after MY birthday. She was going to TRY, however, I've not been acknowledged on occasions in ANY way. She sends DH gifts, never me. She hates her own mother and only says, "she was always mean to me". Grown SS said that is a lie and they used to be really close. SD convinced her mother to co-sign student loans, then refused to pay. SD and my daughters decided in Sept that we would all visit HER house for Thanksgiving. I didn't care too, but she cancelled because she was too have a laproscopic hysterectomy at beginning of month and "may not feel good". That was music to my ears. FF: I'm svelte to have a total knee replacement on Jan 30. SD & family wants to come for Christmas. I told her in a text that it sounds nice, but I've been in a lot of pain & some days done want to walk. She insisted that i don't need to clean for them, etc. DH got kinda hurt because i didn't want them coming, so i had to be honest and tell him that they act as if they are in a hotel and NEVER do a thing. They "need" to bring the dog that she'd very bad (we don't have a dog). Our first anniversary was last week. I posted on FB for our as well as a picture from our anniversary lunch. About 75 "happy anniversary" comments as well as my 2 daughters posting and wishing us happy anniversary... she was on FB, but nothing from her. DH sent her (by text) a picture of the card i got him... no reply, STILL nothing. It's hurtful. She pouted at our wedding and everybody that meet her noticed her rudeness. Honestly, that night was mine and DH and we didn't notice. Ok, now to put the icing on the cake. I had a regular mammo, then a diagnostic & ultrasound. Results are highly suggestive of malignancy. I did have breast cancer in that same area in 2004. I'm having a biopsy on the 22nd, the arrive on the 23rd. No idea if DH told her what's going on. I know i won't be able to lift over 5lbs for 3 - 5 days after. I'm about over the edge and i guess by writing this, mostly, I'm venting. I thought about going to stay with a friends while they are here, but that would be a big success for her. I refuse to text her to discuss. She ignores my texts for the most part anyway. DH should tell her, it's just not a good time, like she anticipated after her hysterectomy. I feel that I'm probably going to let it all out at Christmas. Oh yeah, DH texted her and told her that we were having gumbo for Christmas and was that ok? What???? OK???? If not, they could stay home! She said it was, but her son wouldn't eat it, please go get him some Progresso Soup, the kind worth the flat noodles. He suggested Campbell's, probably because we have several cans, no, "he hates that". They are driving in. Last time i was in FL, they had several grocery stores. If she is aware of what he eats, go get it, but DH just bows down to her.
Advise?
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Comments
Call off the visit.
I'm sorry to hear about your health issues, and think you should use them to the fullest - just as your H's malignant daughter did when it suited her. It's a valid excuse, and you don't need the stress and bad vibes right now.
Let's be honest - this passive aggressive B hates you. You know it, she knows it, so why play games, especially if your H is willing to sacrifice your wellbeing so he can play Happy Family?
I've beeen saying this a lot lately, but steal a little of that victim status for yourself. You gain nothing by martyring yourself, so don't do it.
OP It works
EJM has been sharing this with me - and it bears repeating - it works! I even make my voice slightly tremulous. I need to ramp it up, but lets just say, pouring it on like gravy to mashed potatoes will serve you better than biscuits. At least better than your DH has been.
Is he crazy? With your health issues, he needs to be treating you like the fragile porcelain you are. Not inflicting his rude passive toxic agressive spawn child on you. Is he the one cooking the gumbo? Will he be catering to them the whole time? Id suggest at least a hotel for THEM.
Frankly Id cancel. You are in pain and cannot cater to them in the manner theyve become accustomed to.
What ExJulie Said
Your health comes first. Personally, I'd cancel this shitzshow but if you are willing to tolerate it, I would not lift a hand. I'd have my yummy gumbo ready to go (CajunMom LOVES gumbo) with disposable dishes and cups. I don't particularly like papergoods but certain situations call for them and this is definitely one. If you DH doesn't have the class to tell his daughter you just had surgery, when she walks through that door, I'd hit her with the info.
"SD, I had minor surgery two days ago. While I'm happy to still host this wonderful Christmas dinner for you, I will NOT be able to do any lifting or picking up." And then through the day, I'd "remind" her. "Can you get your dishes to the trash, please?" "Can you pick up that mess X made?" "GSS12, do NOT dig in my stuff. SD, can you get your child out of my things?" In other words, keep her on task, make her miserable and she'll probably leave early. As ExJulie said, play the victim card. Again, there is a time and this is it.
Praying your results are negative and that your Christmas is peaceful.
By the same token, you cannot
By the same token, you cannot have her dog there because he might knock you over.
To be honest, though, just cancel the invitation. You are not going to be in good shape nor in the right state of mind to host people, not even totally adorable people much less this woman and her menagerie.
OP, please be totally blunt
OP, please be totally blunt with your husband about recovery times and not being on form for the circus that is going to be coming your way. He needs to understand and be supporting. after a biopsy, he should be running after you not after his daughter. Do not neglect the possibility of a hotel stay while she's there and who cares if she thinks she's won? How she feels is absolutely no reason to tolerate discomfort, lack of respect and consideration, and downright rudeness.
Just wow.
I would pull this plug on this visit right now. Tell DH that if they show, he and all of them are out of YOUR home.
It would be one thing if they were coming to circle the wagons for your biopsy, etc.... They are not. They are projecting their perceived power and it is time to cut their crap out of your life. If SD can cancel due to a Lathro procedure, you can cancel for a biopsy.
The double standard reeks of idiocy in their shallow and polluted gene pool.
DH needs to have his nost ring attathed to stench they are emitting and have no choice but to suck it in wholesale.
Guests do not approve menu in YOUR home. That DH asks, tells me his very small balls need to be in the Gumbo.
Grrrrrr!
I am am so MAD for you.
My ardent prayers are on their way for a great outcome for you on this biopsy, etc...
I hope your biopsy comes back
I hope your biopsy comes back with good results, even so you will be pain after. What a thing to be hanging over your head and stressing about on top of the stress of your SD visiting.
I would make it clear to your husband right now that you are not going to be in any sort of state physically or emotionally to be able to host for Christmas. If he wants his daughter to come he is in charge of everything while she's there.
Just. NO. I would not want
Just. NO. I would not want company after a biopsy - you'll be in pain and likely preoccupied with the results. How scary this all is. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I hope everything turns out to be okay. You should be relaxing with DH seeing to your needs.
I would not want company, but if SD comes, then DH needs to lay down the law: no special meals (not even a can of damn soup) and they are to pick up and clean up after themselves. How dare DH ask SD if gumbo is ok? That's what's on the menu, if you don't like it, eat before you come! And also, why can't they stay in a hotel???
I agree with Rags, pull the plug on this visit. No need for all that. '
Please take care of yourself - keep us posted!
THEY AREN'T COMING!
Yesterday i asked DH if SD was told about the biopsy. He didn't remember, so texted her, then says that she's wanting to know if they should cancel. He asked me and i told him that it wasn't my call & i wasn't sure how i would be feeling, etc. Next thing i know he said we would mail their gifts. YAY! My stress lever is so much better! She did make the comment (I saw later on his phone) that maybe they can plan for next year because they haven't spent a Christmas with him in 10 years! What's the big deal for her since she claims to be athiest? We've seen her 4 times this year.
Thanks for the well wishes! Merry Christmas to all!
Got over Christmas
Still waiting on biopsy results. It's not even been 2 months since we visited SD & her family 11 hours away. DH got a text from her today. She asked if we wanted to go there for the juvenile delinquents birthday (12). I don't consider 12 a milestone event. DH shouldn't have even mentioned it to me. I just reminded him that we have a lot going on now. If biopsy is not malignant, then i still have s total knee replacement coming up at the end of January. His birthday is middle of month. I don't know how to handle these "daddy issues" from a 36 year old married SD. It has to stop. It's not like a day trip going to visit.
Any suggestions without causing too much family drama. Her "therapist" isn't doing much good.
Not much you can do about a 36yo
Well, the good news is you dodged their visit. You asked for suggestions about her but there's not much you can do about a 36yo. Thank goodness she lives out of town.
As long as your DH understands this visit is not in the cards right now, that's enough. And, no, he can't go alone because you will need him, most particularly after a knee op. You also need him in the run-up to the op to stock up on groceries, do housework ahead, etc. My experience was that the post-op care consumed all my time taking care of DH (exercise schedule, visiting nurse, cold water machine, etc). Those ops are very successful and worthwhile but he will be busy awhile.
Especially if biopsy is positive
DH just had no clue what is involved if biopsy is positive. I've been there before. SD claimed to have had uterine cancer about 14 yrs ago. 1st thing i was told about chemo is that i would not have periods ever Shahin and definitely no more children. She had her son after her supposedly treatment. She never had a port for chemo. At the time she was working on a cigar bar and told people when they offered to go with her to treatment that she went in the middle of the night....duh...no. if she'd been through it all, she would know that i can't plan stuff like visits right now. Narcissist@
If she tells lies on that
If she tells lies on that level (my YSD did, too), then she's not someone you want in your life at all. She's disordered.
Yes, dis ordered is nice
She's more like bat shit crazy. Got biopsy results and it is positive for breast cancer. DH asked a few days ago if i wanted to go for SD'S sons 12th birthday. I told him that an 11 hr drive was a definite no and that we were just there 2 months ago. She asked again this morning before i knew my results. He only told her that he wasn't sure. He's about to realize what's involved with real cancer, not fake cancer. Why can't he tell her NO to something. I feel sure he's contacted her and told her my diagnosis, but she hasn't contacted me.