Grown SD, no compassion
I've made blogs on this before, but started new today. SD wanted to come visit with her family AND shedding dog for Christmas. I was to have knee replacement on Jan 30 and have been in a lot of pain, but couldn't discourage her from coming. They come and act as if they are in a hotel & never lift a finger to help. (Previous post had details). She canceled the trip when she found out that I had to have a breast biopsy on 12/22. YAY
12/30/22: Diagnosed with breast cancer
1/6: WENT TO SEE 1ST SURGEON
A week or so after that I went to see plastic surgeon since I'd decided on bilateral masectomy with reconstruction. SD never sent text with well wishes, nothing. She's not a kid, 36 y/o married woman.
I saw on DH phone that she texted him asking if he (not both of us) would want to go to their house to stay with the 12yo and pets so they could take an anniversary cruise. May 4-8. She lives 11 hours away! DH has no idea that I saw the text, but all he told her was, it's a possibility, we'll see. She has in-laws near her. We'll i had the masectomy on 1/30 (instead of knee replacement). We are waiting on a test to come back to determine if I will need chemo. Hopefully not, but Dr said full recovery will probably be at least 3 months. That would make it right when she wants DH there. She never calls to check on me and rarely ask DH how I'm doing. She's pulled crap like this and want him to go all the way there to go to a movie, another time for him to stay with the kid while she was working out of town. He's not done any of it, but I feel it's a ploy to make him feel guilty. She hates her mother. She's got "issues" and turns on people like a snake.
I've just made myself forget her as much as possible to stay focused on my recovery. Hopefully DH will learn to remind her that he can't make foolish trips like that and make HER focus on HER family.
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I'm sorry about your ordeal.
I'm sorry about your ordeal. Hope things progress for you.
DH needs to give her a hard NO to her request and he should remind her of your health issues and that's the reason why he is staying home.
As for your relationship with SD, I would let it go. You sound hurt at her lack of caring and rightly so, however, expending any energy on her, instead of your own self, is a waste. Care about you first!
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with your health issues. I sincerely hope that your husband needs no reminding that you and your health come first and that he tells his daughter to have a bit of consideration for others and to ask someone else to take care of her menagerie.
Oh Gosh
First, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with Breast Cancer and StepHell. Your DH needs to tell his idiot daughter that would be a hard NO. I agree with DPW....you should consider letting this relationship go. Delete her number, if you do social media, remove her from all platforms, have zero expectations from her, etc. Begin to think of her as DHs daughter and nothing to you but another human who causes you trouble, hence the boundary of disengagement.
Best to you.
I'm sorry you are having to
I'm sorry you are having to deal with these health issues. they are scary and I'm sure you have a lot of unknowns going forward.
It sounds like you and your SD do not have a great relationship.. it's not close.. and that the Christmas situation was not really the first of it's kind. Perhaps you married her dad when she was already an adult? or maybe her mom waged a campaign against you if you did marry him when she was still 'at home).. and having visitation.
In any event.. I don't think I would expect for someone that doesn't care for me to inquire after my health.. it is what it is.. and your DH may be hopeful that your recovery would be at a point in May that he could help his daughter out.. the fact that you and she don't have a close relationship.. doesn't mean that he may not want to help her.. and that's ok.. as long as he is fully aware that your health issues and needs come first.
My SDiablas behave in similar
My SDiablas behave in similar ways. They whisper plans to DH and exclude me. It is so silly and childish, obviously designed to upset me because the whispering blatantly continues right in front of me even when I am in the room and can obviously hear their schemes. I don't give them the pleasure of letting them know they irritate me. I generally don't care about their schemes as long as it doesn't directly impact or harm me and mine.
ESMOD is right that your husband still wants to help her. You can't control a grown man. It's his kid and he still cares about her.
Maybe you can invite friends or family over to visit you while he is gone or go on your own weekend get away? Use the time to pamper yourself and don't spend energy worrying about Ms. Snotty pants.
He has told her it's a
He has told SD it's a possibility but if he's like my DH.. that is nowhere near a certain YES.. and it's going to have been just over 3 months by the time he would need to go.. I imagine that the recovery is not straight line where OP will need help the same level all of the 3 months... in fact.. at the time he goes.. she should be just about fully recovered.. and most likely would need no real help at that point.. I mean.. I get that no one knows exactly how she will be feeling then.. and if she has to have other treatment.. that 3 month window may not apply any longer.. but I hope her DH understands that.. and manages expectations for his daughter about petsitting when his wife has a chance that it won't be a great time for him to be gone.
I wonder if there are options like bringing the pets to her house? vs him going there? though I knwo some people don't care for animals in their home.. and if it really is 11 hours away.. that seems like it would be a lot better for her to find a pet sitter or boarding kennel for those days.. vs having someone take all that time to get there to her place!
At this point.. she either needs to bite the bullet.. say she saw the text and give him her concerns.. and maybe even phrase it as "Since there is so much uncertainty.. it's not fair to SD to let her think you can do it.. when it could turn out that due to my health.. that may not be possible... " (see how it couches it as he needs to have concern for his daughter? lol?
Recovery
I asked the Dr what the recovery period would be. 2 months, possibly 3, or more. Surgery was 1/30. Already know that I will need another unplanned surgery, probably within the next couple of weeks. Then the 3rd to insert implants. Now. That's IF I won't need chemo (still waiting on that test).
Read previous blogs. She acts as if she is in a hotel when here, doesn't pick up, throws wet towels on the floor, cooks for her family & nobody else, then leaves the mess. She brings her shedding dog when we ask her not to. We don't have a dog & when she leaves, there's dog hair lingering for weeks! I just can't handle this now.
11 hours to go pet sit and stay with 12 yo? She has in laws close to her and where are friends? She's a grown woman trying to make her dad feel guilty.
I hope with all my heart that
I hope with all my heart that you won't need chemo and that you heal well and fast. This woman's interference in your life is NOT helping your health. She is a source of stress for you and stress is never a good thing for your health. Please get this through your husband's thick skull.
Be very clear that you are absolutely NOT up to having guests, not under any circumstances. Please stop trying to keep others, whether your husband, his daughter or anyone else,happy. Your only worry right now should be your health and healing. Nothing else matters.
Your husband needs a reality check if he thinks this is the time to swan off to take care of a child to allow his precious to go off on a trip when you NEED him there. Ask him why he thinks he was the one she asked when there were other options much closer to where she lives.
Please take care and be kind to yourself.
We got married Dec 2021. S
We got married Dec 2021. S she "pouted" like a child at the wedding. We "fake" getting along. I have tried but then she did stuff like a slap in my face. She texted him yesterday asking if we were up for company because"they" want to come. I'm going to have to have another surgery because healing is not working right, still sleeping on recliner because need is to hard to get in and out of. I use the extra bathroom for ME and what I need....I simply can't clean for company before or after. Now, if they want to come visit & get a room, that could work. Staying here is just a hard NO!
Sounds like my skids. They
Sounds like my skids. They pretty much ignore me, except for when it suits them. They are generally polite when I see them. That's sufficient. I wish it were different, but I focus on that fact that we don't have open warfare.
My DH never tells his kids no. He'd do exactly as your DH is doing -- some noncommittal response that isn't a hard no, and then he'd look for an excuse as to why he can't do what he was ordered to do. He'd have no problem at all using my health as his excuse, and then he'd be baffled as to why that irritates me.
Please take care of yourself. Keep StepHell out of your head and heart as much as possible. I'd go so far as to tell DH that you need to focus on healing and don't want to hear about them or their drama for a time.
Your H is doing his daughter
Your H is doing his daughter a disservice. By telling her it's a possibility that he'll come, he's letting her think it IS a possibility, and she may not bother to make other plans. I would try to find out what his real plans are, and maybe discuss with him what you think *your* needs will be in a few months.
Im so sorry you are going through this!
SD will absolutely not reach out. Shes had many "chances" to.
Cut her off, cut her out, focus on you and yours. Dont look at DH texts, dont send presents, dont visit, dont host visits.
Your DH needs to be BE PRESENT for YOU.
As others said
Your health is the number one priority and it should be for DH. I remember the "never being able to say NO crap!"
I was "lucky" enough to have stage 1 breast cancer which was caught early on and a lumpectomy, lymphectomy and radiology was performed. Focus on you!
'Hopefully' my ass!
Make sure DH has clarity that his place is at your side as you navigate the recovery.
Do not leave it at 'hopefully'.
First of all, I want to say I
First of all, I want to say I'm sorry for the news you received, and I'm really hoping you won't need chemo, and surgery gets it all! Health issues are hard, not only on ourselves but on our spouses that often become caregivers.
I have to say, I don't think it's right to demand he stay with you when it will be well over the 3 month mark of recovery, things may be different with chemo, but even then a 1 week period with some other family helping out and him going to see his family, shouldn't be denied and made as him being selfish. A lot of times those 'breaks' are the only thing that keeps us going to be able to come back refreshed.
When we have surgery, the recovery periods are always harder in the beginning, and towards the 'end' of it then the help you need is less. I don't think it's right to demand he stay at your side and not have any other obligations/things he wants to do for his daughter/grandchild, how long is enough?
Both my dh and i have multiple health issues, and have been in need of assistance from eachother, but it seems not right to me.
"11 hours to go pet sit and stay with 12 yo? She has in laws close to her and where are friends? She's a grown woman trying to make her dad feel guilty. "
She is a grown woman, but even grown kids like to have their parents around, or help sometimes with family/pets- it happens all the time. Maybe her in-laws and/or friends being close by do most of the help with babysitting and they need a break, why shouldn't the other family help out simply because they live far away? Maybe the 12yo wants to see your DH and viceversa? Maybe this way she gets to see her dad at the start/end of the trip for a day? Why is reaching out for something like this guilt-tripping? Lots of grandparents take in their grandkids or housesit for their adult children, and there is nothing nefarious or selfish about it, just family doing what family does. You are not his only family...and he should prioritize your health, but 3.5 months later, you will likely be ok for him to leave for a week. One could reverse this exact statement to you if you think about it. You have him 365 days of the year, and he's and the daughter/12yo are being made to be in the wrong over 1 week? Well after your recovery period?
I've seen people use their health issues to manipulate their SO and monopolize their time, obviously that doesn't apply when in dire straights, but after this period of time, you are likely just fine on your own, or have a friend come over a few days. Who is guilt-tripping who here? It would be different if this was planned the month of your surgery, sure...but just because you and SD aren't close, doesn't mean he can't be and that you should make him 'choose you' because of this. Don't be that person.
So how about she kennel the
So how about she kennel the pets and sends the 12yo the her grandfather? That way OP can have her DH nearby (reassuring, just in case), DH gets to see his grandchild, grandchild has a REAL vacation with her grandfather, OP gets to relax, win-win for everyone except perhaps for SD, depending on her motivation... She wants daddy to take her child then let him do it in the comfort of his own home.
Come on now, that's bonkers
Come on now, that's bonkers and you know it. If that was the suggestion the board would be jumping up/down about why is the OP having to put up with the 12YO instead of him going there, because then OP won't get to relax w/a moody 12yo teen, has to do all the work, how selfish he is to bring a teen to her house months after surgery.
Let's face it, sometimes this board is extreme in their 'defense' of things that make us truly the stereotype, keep dh to ourselves and away from his other part of family at all costs. Never allow alone time, always remind him who is the center and most important. Wtf, this is just unhealthy!
If the guy is willing to travel 11yrs (or maybe the daughter pays for his flight?), let him! He's not leaving the same week of surgery!
1- Maybe the daughter isn't comfortable leaving the dog at a kennel, it seems to be the case based on posts about her bringing the dog. The dog could have a health condition, or simply not be neutered, or do titers instead of yearly vaccines, or have a temperament issue that makes boarding not-compatible...I say this as dog owner who doesn't board her dogs, I much rather have a sitter/family watch them in their home, add a 12YO, and to me it makes sense that grandpa travels there for a week, gets one on one time with the 12YO -not having to worry to 'be there just in case' for his wife for one week, and helps the daughter w/the pet situation.
In most cases grandparents prefer going to the kids house, everything is set up, routine, etc...for the pets as well as the teen, the video games, the friends, if they have any event/sport to get to, etc...
What's wrong with the grandparent going and kicking it solo w/the 12YO old, not worrying about what will invetibly annoy the wife, cooking not done right, dirty shoes, they didn't wash dishes, the kid looked at me sideways, the kid didn't ask how i am, DH didn't see if I needed anything before they went fishing for 3 hrs... Sometimes I"m amazed at this board. Let the man go and take a breather after months of caretaking, whats wrong w/one on one time? What's wrong with him doing something for a week for his adult daughter/grandchild/pets vs the rest of the year w/his wife?
So the daughter should use her close by family for this situation, yet the OP says she lives in the same city her adult daughters live in, can't they come by and stay w/their mom that week if she truly needs it? Or simply be the back-up check-in with her while he is gone? We need to stop being so hypocritical. Someone spoke on 'motives' - when it's clear by this post and the responses whose motives are suspect.
The spouse trumps the X and their adult failed family progeny.
All else remaining equal.
IMHO of course.
Does that mean he can't have
Does that mean he can't have time with them at all Rags? It truly is so distasteful to keep calling them failed family progeny, really? Why? A failed marriage doesn't always equal a failed/end of relationship with your children. You can still have a close relationship w/your children SHOULD your spouse open the doors and 'allow' you to have one.
This isn't a case of abandoning his spouse during surgery, this is well after recovery period, and she also has family around to help out....I'm amazed that so many find it ok to ostracize/separate their spouses from their children, whether young or adults or grandchildren.
We both have adult children, some with more issues then others, but that mindset is toxic and nothing more than divisive, and making spouse 'choose' between you and your children is wrong, JUSt as wrong as children/young adults making their dad choose between them and spouse. Both mindsets are unhealthy and wrong.
School
12 yr old is in school
Abuse
I'm sorry if you can't understand this issue. It's not about me keeping him from visiting. She has a need to see Daddy every few months. She's sent me text telling me she doesn't trust me, when I've done nothing to deserve that. When she comes it's nothing but disrespect with the mess they make, the shedding dog they bring, etc. We see her on an average of every 4 months. SHE IS 36, MARRIED WITH A12 YO. This obsession with her dad is not normal. I would NEVER keep him from seeing his kids or grandchildren.
I'm glad you have such confidence that I'll be fine in 3 months, but I go by what medical professionals tell me. I'm not 3 weeks out of a huge surgery (double masectomy with reconstruction). My chest area is a mess and my back is cut from one side to the other. I'm ust now able to get up without help of a lift chair. Waiting on Dr to call about another surgery any day now. This 36 yr old woman child wants to come visit...NO. NOT THE TIME TO PRETEND TO LOVE ME! She doesn't ever ask how I'm doing, but just that she wants to visit. We have BOTH explained my setback, etc. So, I guess now that also makes me the bad guy. I'm sorry, after her laproscopic hysterectomy, she canceled on us coming there only because she couldn't lift anything yet. Yet she can't understand what I'm going through???
Sorry, she's a selfish narcissistic person that ONLY thinks of herself.
I made my comments on this
I made my comments on this post alone, based on instincts and responses and her wording, now I went and read her other blogs, and I am now convinced that the OP is the alienating one, and now will use her medical condition to further alienate the husband from his daughter/grandchild. Just wow!!!
You said the daughter never checked on you, yet she did per your other posts, it's simply not enough for you, you guys dont' have a good relationship, and that is likely the fault of BOTH, not just her. in fact, your previous blogs confirm that. You want to 'show' your dh how evil/bad/selfish she and her delinquent child are...and that his loyalty/time should only be to you. I can't imagine being this way to my spouse I claim to love. You will lose in the end.
YOUR OPINION
Sorry, I do not agree.