I'm almost out the door... a rant
Same old issues, just different days.
My skids and I are still at odds, the relationship between the skids has improved slightly with their younger sister. My daughter is very chatty and says hi to her brothers. Her older sister, who is 18 and out of the house, now in college, I don't think she knows that she has a sister. But anyways, my SO and I are still at odds, he says that I treat his kids like crap. Which is far from opposite, I don't yell at them (only tell them to knock it off, or quit running around usually when they're yelling at each other, fighting), certainly don't physically assualt them. I make sure theres dinner for everyone monday thru friday, SO usually cooks on the weekends (kids like when their dad cooks) I'm just getting tired of being the bad guy. SO says I don't talk to them, but I usally let them do their thing when they are at home, especially when their dad leaves for work again. And then thats when their trueselves come about.
I'm all for my daughter building a relationship with her brothers, but as they are older now, their behavior has caused concern for me. They use profanity, fight each other, 8.5 year old screams and yells when he doesn't get his way, the other night he said "I'll rape you...stick it in your butthole" to his 12 year old brother whether he was joking or not, I find that concerning. And this is something I definitenly do not want my 2.5 year old daugher to be around. But of course this is something my SO never really sees or hears, because everyone gots to be on their good behavior when dads around. So he tends to crititize me for not really letting her play with them. But now we've been doing the potty training for a while now, so I routinely get her to her potty to do her thing, and theres an uproar because I took her away and SO says let her go out and play and do what she wants, let her be a kid. So he again goes and tells me that I'm being too strict of a parent, he having more kids means that he has more experience than I do.
Its getting infuriating that I'm not doing a good job, as mother, a partner, a stepmom. Theres just no means of pleasing him and making everyone happy. I'm trying to do my best while doing everything alone. I'm getting to the point of walking away from this relationship.
PS. I'm writing this hours after an agruement with my SO. He is going to be gone for 5 days, hunting, so no cell reception. He says last minute that his son who is 16 is wanting to say here for the weekend. I told him that he needs to be with his mom because he will not listen to me and make a mess of the house. That when SO got offended and says that if his son wants to stay here, he should do what he wants. I told him that if something happens to him (like sneaking out at night and riding his bike on a semi busy road) I have no legal authority to make decisions for him. Yes selfishly it is nice to get a break from the kids for a few days.
This has become exhausting, toxic. I worry for my daughter who is so nice, and giving, I don't want her brothers to take advantage of her niceness. Her own father only interacts with her for a couple of minutes here and there. I know she likes him, but she isn't so sure of him sometimes and usually comes running to me. I just hate seeing him giving her love and then walking away from her a minute later.
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Hmmmmm..
Are you guys married? How long? Do you work? I'm getting the feeling that you're more mature than your SO. He reminds me of my ex who wasnt a bad person just thoughtless about our kids.
One thing stood out to me and that is I dont think a 2.5 year old girl should be playing that much with 2 older roughhouse brothers. I hope they know to tame down around her.
I agree with you about them staying with you this weekend and you're correct about the legal authority.
No we are not married. Just
No we are not married. Just bf/gf for the last 6.5 years. I am not working, sahm. I do want to work and planning to have a job by early next year.
Planning....
I'd definitely start working outside the home in case things dont work out.
You should find what the 8 year old said about rape concerning.
You should find what the 8 year old said about rape concerning. He is being exposed to things that he shouldn't be for him to be able to articulate that. You should never leave your girl around them without you also being present. Honestly, you should probably limit how much time she spends with them even if you are there.
And that is a hard no for the 16 year old to be there when his dad is gone for the week.
I also found the rape remark
I also found the rape remark to be disturbing. This needs to be looked into.
As for the 16 yo, tell your husband that you are not running a hotel here. If he his son wants to spend the weekend then he had better be there to host him. He's not your kid, not your responsibility or, as they say, not your monkey.
Have you ever tried to record the appalling behaviour to show your husband what happens when he's not there? Maybe a nannycam in the main room?
Good gawd
The rape comment is where I am stuck. NEVER leave your DD near him. A child does not say these things unless they are exposed to this in a verbal or physical way. Surely your DH is concerned about this? This could be happening to this skid. Not to be taken lightly.
Why the hell would your 16 yr old even want to be there if big daddio is not there. That is a hard NO F WAY. If your DH turns a blind eye to this shit behavior, again rape comment, then hun this will only get worse.
Your DH is a piss poor parent and is using you to be the nanny and cook.
no, No, NO. If you weren't
no, No, NO. If you weren't there, would he leave his kids home alone while he hunts for 5 days with no cell reception? Unacceptable because his children are not mature enough to be home alone.
If you are going to stay in this situation with a craptastic father who is out of touch, you need to get nanny cams TODAY.
Frankly, I would tell the mighty hunter that his kid can't stay because NO ONE will be home, then pack up my daughter and go elsewhere.
At this point, you need to
At this point, you need to get some priorities in order.
1. GET A JOB.. your daughter is almost 2.. she can go to daycare. Your BOYFRIEND (who hasn't bothered to marry the woman he got pregnant and has dumped his kids on) can arrange and pay for HIS kids to be in daycare as well. Continuing to rely on him to cover all the finances in your home is trapping you.. it leaves you without power in the relationship... it allows him to dictate to you.. and it has not worked out fairly for you. You need a job so that you can support your own self.. and support your daughter.
2. Daddy doesn't get to dump all his responsibilities on you and go off "hunting" for damn near a week.. Unfortunately it sounds like the kids don't have another place to go to... if they did.. I would absolutely insist that when he leaves town.. kids go to the ex.. or his mom.. or the BM's mom.
3. Seriously think about leaving... this guy has three (I think that was the count).. FERAL kids.. with possible victimization and abuse. he has a crummy track record.. in kids and past partners.. do you realloy want your daughter to align with that?
I agree
Get a job ASAP. You sound very much trapped.
Get nanny cams ASAP. Those comments and the porn are concerning.
No on 16 yo being there. Period, fullstop.
From someone who has been there.
I documented everything and recorded using a camcorder to prove to my husband that my SS was lying about me and was sneaking out of the house, when I was accused of being abusive to SS when hubby wasn't there. When I showed him the proof that SS was sneaking out of the house, and that I was never alone with his son if I could help it, his response was, "Bet you enjoyed that, didn't you?" My response? "Yes I did. You need to be more observant. When am I ever alone with your son? And by the way, your son is very capable of lying to you, as I have just shown you, and it was glorious." That shut him up, and he stonewalled me and refused to talk to me. Later, when my husband asked SS where he was all day, he watched his son lie to his face! Living in the house with the two of them was so toxic, I started getting sick. It took me packing up and leaving and filing for divorce to wake up my husband. We ended up worked out our issues, but SS refused to try and get along, and refused everything. Six months later, he moved back to his mother's place, and we changed the locks on the door. We tried working with him till he was almost 27, and then it got so bad, we cut off contact with him. Now, almost four years later, it has been so calm, quiet and peaceful, I dread the day he tries to come back. He is very toxic, and is the male version of an actress who recently went to court for defamation and lost over the summer. You may have to leave for your own sanity. If you are not married, run, don't walk. It doesn't get any better. If anything, it only gets worse, unless, your SO does a serious 180 when it comes to disciplining his children. They don't have to like you, but disrespecting you and toxic behavior should not be tolerated, and he needs to make that clear to them.. As hard as it is to do, you have to place boundaries. You are not your SO's babysitter, and they should not be with you alone. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but they could set you up and lie about you and try and run a smear campaign against you. I only went back, because my husband started backing me up when SS was being difficult and he was in the wrong.
Updated
Well I guess he went with his mom to be dropped off at school. Now tonight his mom brought him back to the house, stating he was sick. So I guess he'll be here rest of the week.
Nope, dump him on BM's door step and quit being
her and BF's beck and call child care service. Dump htem all on BM's door step.
If DH is not there to directly care for his failed family spawn, they are not in YOUR home.
That is a hill I would die on if I were you.
Good luck.