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Am I in the wrong??

Stellarejbmom's picture

Submitted by Stellarejbmom on Wed, 04/06/2022 - 9:35pm

My bf and I are currently not talking to one another for the last three days. It started on Sunday, he and the boys and their one friend were going to an outdoor expo. My bf told me that he was going to take our 2 year old over there with them, I told him 'no' that he couldn't because she and I needed to get ready for a baby shower that's an hours drive away. The time when they left was 10:30am he kept asking why couldn't she go. I kept going on that she needed to get cleaned up, she's not ready to go anywhere,  she needs to take her nap, then feed her really well before we leave (2:30pm, I still needed to buy a couple more things at target) he kept asking why. I guess I said I needed her here because I have to take care of her. Then his 8 year old chimed in, and said "I want my baby sister to go" [Him calling her 'baby sister' is new and out of character,  he usually calls her half-sister]. Then I said,  no she's not going.

Then, boom my bf ripped the cord out of griddle, he was making pancakes angrily looking at me thew it to the side of the sink. Then stomped off to the bedroom and still looking at me and slammed the door. 

I honestly didn't think that it had to be a big deal on me saying no to him. I know he mentioned it a couple days ago. But we never really discussed it. If we did I would've told him that he needed to leave way earlier in the morning not 10am and be back before 1pm so I can wash her up and get ready. 

So as I mentioned, he and I are not talking to one another.  This silence is getting out of hand, am I in the wrong and should I apologize.  

 

Ps. He texted me a picture stating: If im raising  our daughter and he's not allowed to take her anywhere,  I guess I'm not sure why are we  together.  

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 04/06/2022 - 9:57pm

It sounds like your DH wanted to take her, not thinking thru the nap and feeding issues.  Your refusal made him feel like you are diminishing his parental role.

It sounds like you thought he only wanted to take her because SS requested it, disregarding nap and feeding issues.   You didnt want SS's request to trump DD's welfare.

I'd tell him you realize he really wanted to take her.  Tell him you're sorry that your and his communication got crossed that day.  You both love DD.

I'm guessing you might have issues with SS's entitlement but that's another issue.

Good luck.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Wed, 04/06/2022 - 10:47pm

Yep, you are wrong. You looked at this the wrong way. 'Of course you can take her dear. But, since I'm going to the baby shower, and I'll be gone by the time you return, you'll have her until I return. ..... What time will I be back? Not sure. These things can last a while, and it's an hour's drive. Figure on me being back just after bed time,'
You could have left early and spent some time at Target by yourself or you could have sat in a coffee shop in blissful aloneness.

I imagine he figured that since he mentioned it and you said nothing at the time, he was good to go. Your mistake was in not talking to him beforehand.

However, the griddle incident is worrying. He was making pancakes. He abruptly stopped. I hope he had fed the kids and the ones on the griddle were his. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 6:02am

Honestly I think there is fault on both sides.

You: If he brought it up and you didn't discuss it then, he thought it was ok. He is also sensitive to being a marginalized parent, which you know, and you told him no instead of really discussing the plan. He has as much right to make this choice as you but you told him he didn't. Why does baby shower trump his plans? Because it's what you wanted?

Him: Throwing a temper fit is ridiculous and scary for the kids and it reinforces the narrative that he can't be trusted with you child together. 

How do you move forward: Apologize for you role in making him feel unimportant as a parent. Explain that in the future if there are conflicting plans you guys will talk through it. THEN tell him that his yelling and throwing a griddle was scary and made you not want to trust him. That you know in your heart that he is a good dad but outbursts like that can't happen again. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 8:06am

It sounds like a lack of communication.  He told you several days ago about the expo... and that would have been the time to let him know that you had planned on taking her to a baby shower that same day and that you weren't sure how that would work.. coordinating her schedule.  Then you could have discussed that and settled it.

As it stood, he thought he was going to get to take her to the expo with him.. and when you vetoed it.. I think he did feel marginalized as a father.

But... his throwing a hissy fit like that?  Does he always lose his cool?  

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 9:01am

Before.

my husband would arrange so called quality family time with his kids from exwife. We were expected to cater to them despite having a 1 & 2 yr old and skids were adults apart from sd13 who lives with sd23 at the time.

now sd's had guilted their dad for marrying me and having 2 kids with me. I didn't see why we should be present at weekend "quality family time" where they faked a 1 big happy family without us.

hubby wanted us (and our 2 toddlers along) so he could pretend skids cared about our kids, so basicaly our kids were there for entertainment. There was no care or concern how they would handle the trip, the car sickness, the severe allergies my son got to the cat hair all over their clothes.

eventually i had enough and put my foot down. That our kids weren't a prop. Now in my case hubby never dared to take kids out alone with skids for an outing and i remain home. He's been very clear as the primary carer of our kids that i am the expert regarding them and he understands i have valid concerns.

i don't understand why your husband thinks an outing with skids was the right place for a 2 yr old to be at? Was he gonna pack a nappy bag, snacks, bottle etc for bubs or just take him out and not care about that all?

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 11:01am

"don't understand why your husband thinks an outing with skids was the right place for a 2 yr old to be at? Was he gonna pack a nappy bag, snacks, bottle etc for bubs or just take him out and not care about that all?"

why wouldn't it be the right place?  Please explain that flawed logic.  Are you saying dad doesn't know what a diaper bag is?   Most of the time, most diaper bags stay semi loaded, so he had to throw a few more things and go.  Shoot when mine were that age if my ex took them out, i'd throw in a few things so it would be ready and then I felt better knowing everything was available.  She's 2, I'm sure there are plenty of places to eat at the expo also.  It was a few hours at most. 

Btw, for your dh, I dont' see anything wrong with him trying to have ALL his kids together and form memories/bonding time, even if they aren't crazy about eachother. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 9:35am

I'm still stumped that he was going to take a 2yo toddler an outing with 5 boys aged  8-18 ... Has he done this before? What kind of an expo was it?

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 10:36am

I'm stumped anybody drives with a toddler to a boring baby shower and it's an HOUR drive.  I stand by it, she would have more  OP pulled a power move and pretty much declared her status as mom is higher then his. 

She could have said yes, the kid would have had fun with dad and brothers, then would have napped on your long one hour drive to the baby shower. If dad works during the week, the weekend is time with his kids, I don't know if OP is a sahm (which would make this ten times worse)- or works, if so, splitting the day w/the kiddo makes sense.

I'm actually pretty surprised at some of the responses.  BM's do this ALL the time to your husbands, dimish their roles, and here we have a dad wanting to spend time with his toddler and the crazy bm came all out of OP. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 04/07/2022 - 12:26pm

Im not qualified in that way to judge this sitch - however the thing that sticks out to me is the throwing of griddle and the shunning and silent treatment for 3 days. Hes going far and above the "transgression".

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 1:33pm

Partner, stepsons and stepsons friend to some expo and last minute just before the outing, op partner says he's taking their 2 yr old daughter there. 
 

op has made it clear in her post 8yr old ss who decided to get involved in the argument between op and the partner doesn't acknowledge the 2yr old as his sister but half sister. That implies there is no relationship but he needed to stick it to the stepmum to put her in her place, below the husband. 
 

you can bang on all you want that the expo was an appropriate place for a 2 yr old toddler who assumedly doesn't have much of a relationship with her male half brothers but now they wanna fake one to stick it to the stepmum??

read her prior posts, ss's ignore their half sister but fake it for daddy when he's home and blame the toddler for their mess. Op is treated like the maid and not the stepmum and partner of her childs dad.

we see many times skids who shun the stepmum, stepkids that ignore and don't acknowledge their half siblings until their parent is home and they put on a whole fake show. Its a fake relationship skids put on so called suddenly wanting their 2 yr old halfsister to come to an expo.

if you read the post properly and op history in previous posts, ss just wanted to put stepmum in her place. This wouldn't have been bonding time for the 2 yr old and her half brothers, they want nothing much to do with her. Op partner is too blind to see it and op has had to suck it up all these years.

you're stumped on op wanting to take 2 yr old to a baby shower on a 1 hr drive but not stumped on op ss's who ignore their half sibling when daddy isn't home but fake one for daddy when he is home and purely wanted her at expo just to stick it to op and put her in her place?? Yeah that makes total sense.

before you jump to conclusions, you might wanna read her situation and history first to understand her situation and why she didn't want her daughter going to expo.

2yr old toddlers shouldn't be used as manipulative pawns by self centred manipulative skids who just wanna stick it to step mum.
 

icertainly never allowed my skids to do this to our kids and fake a relationship with my 2 kids when they shamed and guilted their dad for marrying me and having 2 young kids with me. It does more damage to a young child being treated like crap when daddy isn't around but fake a relationship when he is around and they can't honestly tell their dad about it because daddy is too blind to see it.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 04/10/2022 - 10:56am

His mantrum griddle throwing bullshit makes him a write off.  IMHO.
 

Rescue your daughter and yourself.  Get out of there.

 

You're not wrong and you owe him nothing much less an apology.