O/T - my estranged mom fell
This iis off topic, but I really need to get some feedback, if you are game. My elderly mom, who I have not spoken to in 10 years, lives in another state and recently fell and broke some ribs. She is a tough old bird, like all the women in my family, and very stubborn. My little sister has 2 young children and lives out of state too, bt she is within driving distance - about 6 hours each way, I think. Its not an easy drive with a new baby and a young child.
My sister still checks up on my mom, but has recently admitted that she doesn't want her kids around her - because mom says mean things about everyone and ignores them when they visit. Sometimes she locks herself in her study and doesn't come out all day - leaving my sister and family sitting awkwardly on her sofa. Its been awhile since I could have an honest conversation with my sister about my mom, as she was in denial for many years - blaming the rift on me. Just recently, she acknowledges that mom has always been a little off, and is hard to interact with because she lives in her own world. My mom has no friends, because she pushed them all away with her meanness. She is twice divorced. Her third husband to be left her. She lives alone and is nearing 70. My sister told her to move to my sisters city & state,, so she could help mom with medical visits, etc.
Here is my dilemma. My therapist and husband are both urging me to reconnect and make my peace with my mom before she dies. Part of me thinks they would be right....IF MY MOM WAS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. But she is not. My theory is that she was severely sexually abused, which caused her to place her "safety" at the top of her priorites - over having love in her life, friends, activities. She avoids these and pushes them away because she feels everyone will eventually hurt her, so its better to just be alone and "safe." I felt that way myself when I was a kid, until I realized I could have an identity separate from my mom's. Also, both my dad and I think she has multiple personalites - because of behaviors we have witnessed over the years.
So, having said this, I don't feel she has changed, and I don't think she would care one way or the other if I asked to reconcile with her. She has never admitted fault about anything she has done. She likely would just start "reeling me in" in order to find the best way to hurt me again. I am preparing myself to go to her funeral without having seen or heard from her in years - which makes me sad - but sad for her. She chose this because she is too damaged to heal. ( I don't believe this, but she does.) So am I a bad person for not wanting to reconcile with my crazy mom? I have been having disturbing dreams ever since I heard about her falling.
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I'm estranged from my sister.
I'm estranged from my sister. My situation is not as traumatic or fraught as yours, but in general, my sister was a bully to me growing up, so we never had a close relationship. She is also histrionic and likes to make fun of people, especially me and my mother. So, when a few years ago, she blew up at me over something that was not my fault (and that had more to do with her own personal issues than we me) and then stopped talking to me, I just let it sit and haven't tried to reconcile. My DH pushes me to "make things right" and "be the bigger person", but I told him that we don't have any relationship to go back to, because we never had a relationship. My "making peace" with the situation is basically accepting it and working around it. I can't change my sister and I can't change the fact that she will always be a histrionic jerk. I see her occassionally at family gatherings and I either avoid her or I'm civil, but I don't call her out any more when she's mean to others or when she's rude.
All that is to say that I think the peace you need to make (which you seem to have made) is actually with yourself. You can't make peace with someone who won't change or who doesn't see that they have done anything wrong. In this case, it seems like you reaching out to your mother won't change how she feels or how she treats you, it will just confirm that you were right to cut her off all those years ago. It's unfortunate that your mom is injured and alone, but she has made it clear that she would like to be alone through her actions. No one else can heal whatever hurts she has and it is not someone else's responsibility to take her anger just because she is getting older.
Thank you, strugglingsm
Thank you, strugglingsm. That really sums up how I feel. Everyone says I am obligated to "make peace" but I don't think that there is a relationship to go back to - like you said. I have already made my peace with myself. I try to remember the good times we had, and appreciate that my relationship with her forced me to be a much stronger person. There are days when I miss having a mother ( however much I ever had one) but I know now that the verbal abuse I suffered as a child was never about me, and was not my fault. I feel like i have healed myself a lot in 10 years.
What do you feel like you
What do you feel like you would be getting out of contacting her? Would it provide you closure on any of the issues? Would it help you feel better at the end of the day, or would it just cause you more anxiety? Can you maintain strong boundaries once you open those lines of communication knowing it’s possible she could live another 20-25 years?
Thanks advice.only
Thanks, adviceonly. Yes, I do worry about maintaining my boundaries, and how stressful that will be. With my mom, she is insidious in that she will draw you in, behave herself, and give you compliments... then she will drop the axe. Its usually some sort of insinuation or judgement about you or how you live your life, that she doesn't approve of. I don't think its worth it, since she has not changed at all.
I don't think you are a bad
I don't think you are a bad person for not wanting to reconcile. If nothing has changed (if your mom has not changed), then nothing about your relationship will be different.
Family dynamics/relationships are complicated. It is not as simple as biology, "She's your mother so you should...."
You can forgive her and be at peace with whatever your relationship is (or isn't) without actually reconciling with her.
NTA
I hadn't spoken to my mom for ten years, and then she died about five years ago. It was sudden, and my dad was there with her. I lived many hours away by choice, and when I got the news I felt nothing.
She was extremely toxic, and I believe she set me up for failure. My life has been a sh!tshow because of her. All that would've been water under the bridge, but she never got better. She was just plain mean, and she never could apologize. The break happened when she bullied me at a time when I was on the verge of suicide. I asked her WTF her problem was, and she hung up on me. Years went by and my dad wasn't allowed to speak to me, he sent me a letter asking me when I was going to apologize.
I don't miss her. She's not the type of person I would associate with if we weren't related. There's nothing special about being related to someone biologically, we all share almost all the same genes. Pick your family from people who are kind to you.
Ipso
So sorry you had to go through that, Ipsofacto. No child deserves that. My mom was very similar. The reason I stopped talking to her was that she said "So you think you were molested as a child by a babysitter? "Then she laughed like it was the funniest joke she had ever heard. She said this out of the blue- just to try to f*** with me.
There's a reason you are
There's a reason you are estranged from your mother. Remember what that reason is. If nothing has changed, then there is nothing to be gained (by you, at least) by trying to reestablish the relationship. Why do you think your therapist is telling you to do that? Do you have unresolved feelings or regrets that she thinks would be put to rest by reaching out to your mother? Do YOU think anything would be resolved by allowing your mother back into your life? Is there some peace you're lacking that you think a relationship with her could provide? Frankly, toxic people don't suddenly become non-toxic. If your mother has done nothing to work through her issues and change, I don't see what is to be accomplished by letting her back in your life. It's easy for people who haven't lived through many years and many issues with her like you have to say you should try to re-establish a relationship. Consider it only if it's something YOU want to do and think would be good FOR YOU. I'm not getting that vibe.
There are lots of blogs
There are lots of blogs online about not reconciling with an abusive parent. I know this because I went thru this with my dad. He died of Covid in May of 2021. I made peace with the fact I would never have the parent I needed. I got one who's needs were more important. Beating you over the head with guilt is shameful on their part. That's their needs overshadowing YOUR needs to not suffer any more abuse from her. You got away from her and I'm sure thrived in many ways. It goes against everything society thinks is the proper thing to do , family values propaganda.
(the same stuff that causes so much grief in the step world). IMO, your therapist should help you deal from a distance, NOT suggest getting back into the boxing ring with your abuser. I might be so bold as to ask them why they are suggesting it and pointing out that they might be letting their own biases cloud their advice. Only you know the pain of that connection and if it's worth revisiting. No shame if you chose to love yourself more than society's expectations.
You're not bad for not
You're not bad for not reconciling. It is NOT your responsibility to build all the bridges. It sounds like you have a gate in your walls for your mom, but she has to be willing to start building a path towards it. She isn't, and you're not required to build it for her.
I am estranged from my stepsister, which is much easier than a mother. My DH has a pretty distant relationship with his mom, to the point that has had made it clear that if BIL can't take care of her anymore that her options will be to go to a nursing home or die alone at her home. Neither my SSis or MIL have admitted to their faults, tried to change their behavior, or build bridges back to us. They just expect that everyone else will bend to them out of a sense of duty and obligation.
Eff that. I have too much regular person drama and responsibilities that I don't need to take on more. Same with DH. None of us need more sh*t on our plate than we already have. You don't need it, either, and it's not your fault to keep saying "no, I'm fine with how things are."
I'm very surprised that a
I'm very surprised that a therapist would encourage you to reconcile with someone who has given no indication that they would be willing to be honest about things that have hurt you in the past. It seems like really bad advice.
I was estranged from my sister for a few years for very good reasons and I'm glad I waited until she approached me to make amends (she's an addict). Otherwise I don't think it would have worked because she wasn't ready to take responsibility for the things she'd done to damage our relationship.
My FIL is currently estranged from every member of his family except for XH and me. He needs a lot of care and we're the only ones helping him. I recently told my BIL that I respect their reasons for cutting him off, but that there are ways to be involved without having direct contact. If you're feeling guilty about your mom's health and it's wearing on you, maybe there is a way you can contribute to her care without having to be in contact with her? Like coordinating or paying for a caregiver or someone to assist her with household tasks? I know that isn't financially feasible for everyone, but it could be a good way to meet her needs and alleviate any guilt you feel so that you can put it out of mind.
Purging toxic people is never bad.
Even when they are a parent, a child, a sibling, a mate, a mate's children, or anyone else.
That we care at all is a positive in our column. That we act on that care to try to engage with the toxic... is not a positive.
Purge toxic. Regardless of who it is. Toxic is a choice. Regardless of who it is. Do not reward toxic by continually serving ourselves up to one perpetrating the toxicity. Do not tolerate their toxicity. Ever.
Period. Dot.
I think you do what your gut
I think you do what your gut is telling you, which is to stay apart. If you read my latests posts, we are going through this w/my MIL as well. She is definately having some mental health issues, all her life, could be borderline, narcissistic tendencies, etc...her health is getting worse, we live VERY close but for his own mental health, DH will have to make the hard decision to stay away from her....and is not concerened if she passes honestly. She will have to do deal w/the consequences of her vile behavior and actions that tore the family apart.
BIL will probably be the one there at the end, or they will have to get elderly services to come examine her and determine if she needs nursing care, go to a home.....at this point we know she doesn't want to but rather her family suffer her moods and actions until she dies at home. She may not get what she wanted if nobody is there to care for her and she drives everyone away. You don't need to make peace with a toxic person, you can deal w/her health or dying on your own w/out being around her toxic behavior and protecting yourself.
I've read some blogs lately, and people are saying that NO CONTACT is better for them then low contact, as those moments still keep introducing damage and keep you on the hook for guilt trips, abuse, etc. Free yourself of the guilt, deal with her impending demise w/out hearing her venom, IMO of course.