Feeling the effects of brutal honesty
No need to get into a long winded background story so I'll sum it up by saying that SS17 acted like a spoiled brat (again). However, instead of letting it go (again) I lost it and word vomitted every feeling I've been bottling up about DHs kids for the past 4 yrs to DH. SS and SD were at BM's so it was all aimed directly at DH.
I basically told him SS is too much like BM and I'm tired of DH turning a blind eye to it. Either he needs to parent that kid or write him off but this constant guilt-ridden, Disney dad I'll just give him what he wants and let him act like a gigantic a-hole, routine has worn thin. SS's not going to magically be a better person because DH let him treat him like garbage during his teenage years. Set some f*king boundaries already!
SD10 is following in big brother and BM's footsteps and talks to DH with such contempt and attitude, it's heart-breaking. Set that kid straight now, before she turns into the same type of worthless, awful-to-be-around teenager that her brother is or the narcissistic a-hole BM is. It is not my job to parent/babysit SD yet I'm the one that reminds her that she is not an equal in this house, she is a child and needs to be respectful to DH.
I have expressed that I want nothing to do with SS and minimum contact with SD time and time again and it gets ignored. I reached my boiling point two weeks ago when I laid into DH and I am definitely feeling the effects of my bluntness. I really hurt DH feelings. I could see it on his face. Now, DH is stressed and annoyed. Which is not typical for him. He is usually very chill. He has developed a quick, snippy temper with any conversation pertaining to his kids (even benign ones). Which, again, is not typical for him.
I really tried over and over again to tell him that I don't want to be that involved, as I do not approve of their behavior yet I am constantly exposed to it and I said what I said, I can't take it back. IDK that I can fix it now that my true feelings about his kids are in his head.
- More Coffee Please's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Stop spending time with the skids
You can't take your words back but you can stop picking up the slack for the parents. Just don't accept the responsibility for SD. If anyone tries to ditch her with you, pick up your things, explain you have plans and leave. Her parents can figure out childchare that doesn't involve you.
Maybe if you DH gets to spend quality time with the skids 1-2-1 he'll understand. So many posters' DHs want the Stepparent to be the buffer between them and the skid.
I've had similar
I've had similar conversations with my DH. He knows that a lot of what I'm saying is right, but I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier to hear. It's not a great situation for us to be in...with me not wanting to be around his kids at all. They don't want to be around me either. The last couple weekends, we only had one skid and I will say this, it was so much better without the really rude, annoying, baby SS. He's so rude to DH and he does things on purpose to bother me (e.g. I ask that the toilet seat be put down and bathroom doors be closed, but he's come to our house and purposely gone into the bathroom without using it and put the seat up). DH knows this, but he doesn't know how to set boundaries with his kids in a productive way and he's afraid they won't come around, if he does. I say, let them not come around, because having them at our house acting miserable and making everyone else miserable is no fun. Maybe I should have more sympathy for them, because most of this is orchestrated by BM, but they are older teens now, so they are old enough to not bring BM's drama into our home. The annoying one also has few friends because he's so annoying to others as well and both BM and DH have allowed him to be that way, so it will be their fault when he ends up antisocial and alone as an adult. The sort of funny thing is that when DH has to be alone with Skids, he complains about how annoying and difficult they are...I say to him, "oh, really?"
Good for you! You need to be
Good for you! You need to be honest- if you can do that with anyone it Should be DH...even if it is about the skids. DH relays to me his fears, concerns regarding my kids (his steps) and I do the same to him regarding SD. He can be avoidant of the situation (wonder were SD gets it?..) but if so I become a bit louder and more animated. It is what it is. Bio kids or Skids will Not be around forever. You and DH are partners (hopefully) for the rest of your life. That partnership should be maintained above all. Plus, how can you raise half descent kids if they see arguing and animosity in a parents relationship.
I too have disengaged from SD. I am here for DH 100% if he needs to discuss thoughts/feelings about SD..sometimes he asks me for advice. I will not do things for her or be involved in her school/medical/mh issues. Supportive-yes. But it's not my cup of tea any longer. I washed my hands of it.
I feel like it's just a
I feel like it's just a matter of time before we all just spill the truth to our DH's. Mine will probably come in a fit of anger. Well, it kind of has already. I'm sure your DH will get over it, it's just fresh.
If you hurt his feelings, you
If you hurt his feelings, you can apologize for the delivery. Do not apologize for telling him the truth.
Your DH definitely needs to spend time with the skids without you. Leave the care of and cleaning up after to him. Meals, food shopping, baths, bedtime, entertainment, messes... I stopped doing everything for the skids and left it all to my DH. He got tired of the chaos and doing everything. And the skids survived having to take their plates to the sink and pick up their toys!