Emotional Support
My SD22 just graduated college and is living with us. She's a sweet girl and I love her. I have another SD20 too who lives with her mom. She's a pill (but that's a story for another day). Anyway, both of them are huge drama queens. (DH is too to be perfectly honest. He used to use them (especially SD22) as emotional support when we first got married, and it almost ruined our marriage. He's stopped doing that, but they're still incredibly close. So since she came home SD22 has been depressed and cries to DH all the time. Like several times a day. (Yes she's in counseling too). DH will drop everything to comfort her. Just now we were having a conversation and she called him from her room and asked him to go talk to her and he stopped talking to me and went to her. I feel so guilty that this bothers me, but I have chronic health problems and also suffer from depression/anxiety. After being her personal counselor all day long I feel bad burdening him with my problems too. I'm starting to feel very resentful. I know he's her dad but he's MY husband. And she's an adult. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Doesn't she have any friends?
Doesn't she have any friends?
No not really. Oh and I just
No not really. Oh and I just overheard her yelling at him telling him that he does anything I want, but does nothing for her. So much so that it's embarrassing. SERIOUSLY? You're living in our house for free. We give you money and pay your phone bill. We buy you dinner, etc. I go out of my way for her too, so it's hurtful to hear her talk that way about me.
I would call her out on all
I would call her out on all of this and remind her what is what.
Don't let either of them get away with this treatment of you.
So you didn't leave
... back in 2020? You stuck around for this treatment by DH & his skids? No wonder you're struggling with depression & anxiety. Not judging, just wondering what you're getting from this scenario that made it woryh it to stay for more of this abuse from the drama queen trio known as DH & his Mini-Wives?
It's easy to tell someone to
It's easy to tell someone to leave. It's not as easy as it seems to actually do though. I have 3 kids of my own and a dog. There aren't many apartments available that will fit all of us and to buy right now is so incredibly expensive. I don't know what to do.
And what I'm "getting" out
And what I'm "getting" out of this is security and comfort for my kids. They all have their own rooms, a big yard, nice kitchen, etc. They dont know that anything is wrong. I'm very good at acting like everything is ok. They love DH and both their step sisters.
No offense, but you're
No offense, but you're kidding yourself if you think your kids now about anything. Kids see and hear everything even when you think there's no way for them to know.
Has anyone reminded your SD that she is not the queen of the castle? How about reminding your husband who he is actually married to? What did you do, how did you react when he trotted dutifully off to her when she snapped her fingers? What are the plans for his daughters launching? Or are they in this for life?
I didn't say anything when he
I didn't say anything when he dropped everything and ran to her. He always accuses me of picking on his kids, but I'm actually very generous and kind. He said that she just resents that he "left them" and married me. I said well too bad! It's not like she's a child anymore and I'm your wife. He said that he agreed and told her that (which I don't really know if that's true or not because I stopped listening). Anyway, there's really no plan to launch. She is starting her online masters degree classes and she plans on getting a job and saving money to eventually (?) move out.
I know in my heart that this isn't ever going to end. Even when they're both married with kids I predict there will just be "different" issues to deal with. I know I don't love him anymore and I'm just scared to be old and alone. I don't have a close family (except my kids) and they have their own lives. I also don't have a lot of friends either. It's very hard to see the truth right in front of me. And it's been there the whole time but I guess I thought it would possibly change.
I know, it is hard
It's hard to end it, but I'm doing it... 4 years after STBXH's own sister told me I should leave him. I filed in the Fall & had him move out.
My life is SO much more peaceful. Abuse-free. Anxiety & dread gone. Definitely some raw emotions, some things to get used to (including oil change logistics!
). But I don't deserve the contempt, betrayal, rage, gaslighting... and I don't miss it.
I can only encourage you to be honest with yourself & protect your kids. (((HUGS)))
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I completely understand how
I completely understand how hard it is to leave. You have to look at your situation as you are doing and decide what you are willing to work with.
I was in a similar situation in which my husband at the time would always put his 21 yo son first. He would drop and do whatever his son wanted no matter how inconvenient it was to me. Husband would never watch movies with me without his son, we never went anywhere or did anything without his son, "because he might get jealous." His son resented me and was quietly hostile and passive aggressive toward me because he wanted his daddy completely to himself. His dad had his own set of problems (emotionally and at times physically abusive) and your husband doesn't sound like he has these types of issues, so that's a positive. But, my husband also would go to his son for all his emotional needs and did so up until I left - so kudos to your husband for stopping that. However, the SD seems to be like a mini-wife and expects to come before you from what you posted. This is a huge red flag. If a spouse puts their bio ahead of the marriage, it's my experience that it's not going to work out. Again, I have lived this situation and I ended up leaving 2 months ago and filing for divorce. I'm not telling you to do that, but you need to think about what's going on and take some steps to put a stop to it. His SD is an adult and needs to know she is not the queen of the castle - you are. And your marriage should come first. Also, my SS had no plans to launch, basically was unemployed the entire time we were married, had no plans for school and when he made a half-assed attempt to go to college online, he flunked out two semesters in a row. If I were you, I would address the launching plan as well while you were discussing SD's need to be center of attention. It sounds like you do a lot for her already, so in my opinion, she needs to be respectful and make a plan to move out and be a responsible adult. Counseling is good but from reading your post, it sounds to me like maybe attention-seeking behavior and mini-wife syndrome. :(
I also read your post from 2 years ago about how he is "friends" with his daughter and discusses your relationship with her, badmouths you to her. My ex husband did the exact same thing. Again, huge red flag. This is not healthy behavior. My ex always wanted his son to be his"buddy" and he often referred to him that way. It was gross. And I was deeply offended when he discussed our marriage with him. But that didn't stop him.
I also read where your husband will get upset with you about the relationship with his kids and then ignores you for days. This is emotional abuse. I went through it too. Anything I said about his son when we were talking about him was viewed as wrong and I was ignored for days. Example: Husband was bitching that son was unhappy because "he has no girlfriend and no money, he's just so depressed about it." SS wouldn't work, wouldn't really do anything except smoke pot with daddy, sleep and eat all day and play video games. My response to husband's concern about son's unhappiness: "I think he'd be a lot happier with a full time job and his own apartment. It would build his confidence and he could make friends and have a social life." I said this cheerfully, not mean or passive agressively, I was hoping husband would agree. Nope. He immediately gets up, walks off, ignores me, tells his son to ignore me, then when he finally decides to speak to me, it's a barrage of insults and how awful and selfish I am, how I'll be old and alone because I "push everyone away" blah blah blah. Mind you, neither him nor his son worked and I supported them financially, they lived a nice life because of me. But I was selfish. Whatever. I am single now and am happier than I have been in the 9 years I was with that worthless POS.
I really hope things work out for you the way you want. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted!
Reedle, it's great you are
Reedle, it's great you are still on the message boards and doing well! So very happy for you!
2020
you were going to leave this horrible excuse for a man.
did you do some counseling? Skids no longer hate you?
It's so hard. I kept telling
Yeah one still hates me. I thought the other one was ok with me, but overhearing her talk about me I guess I was wrong I kind of don't know what I expect DH to do though. It's so hard. I kept telling myself it was better. He stopped drinking. He was trying. But I can see now that this is going to be an ongoing issue for the rest of our life. He always turns things around to make it like I'm overreacting or am being unreasonable, etc. want to leave but I'm scared. There's nowhere for me to go. Everything is so expensive right now.
You must take some time
To yourself, outside of the toxic energy. Its sucking you dry. Its hurting you. Your kids will be fine. You will thrive. Without this man and his mini-wife harpies. I suggest going to a therapist. You are stronger than you think you are. You need to understand this, know this.
Things have not gotten better it seems. From 2020 to now. Im sorry you are going through all this.
What I did was do a lot of things on my own. I disengaged. Its harder to disengage when you have that toxic mess living with you. Focus on your bios and yourself. Do things that help you feel stronger and more confident. You need a TEAM. Go seek legal counsel. Find a good therapist. Do volunteer work, meet new people. Find activities and you will find people that like to do them.
You will not end up alone. You have your kiddos. They see how you are being treated, no matter how good an actress you THINK you are, kids KNOW.
Get out when you feel strong enough. Bide your time and save your money. Try being a "b!tch" instead of being nice and see if they back off, while you gather yourself together to move on to a wonderful life without them.
I know its hard - Im in California 30 mins from the coast and we own our home and "stuff". I love my home. Things are much better now and Im feeling so much stronger, SD16 is nicer, I am no contact with SD23 or Toxic Troll, there is onle 1 year and 10 months and Husband agrees on blocking TT, and never wanting any contact (his choice without me suggesting).
But I feel that you have to really move on. I know its easy for me, a stranger online, to say this, and I know its HARD. But, I feel that if you do as I described above, this might help you see that you DO have options, that life DOES get better, you will NOT be doomed to a life alone and unloved.
Peace.
Codependency
Sounds like they have a toxic, codependent relationship. Have you really talked to your DH about how unhappy this makes you? If you stated that you have, I apologize for not reading it. Sounds like marriage counseling might be needed. SD22 isn't as nice as you perceive her to be if she's manipulating her father like this.
It's beyond counseling. I
It's beyond counseling. I told him that I wanted to look for a new place to live and now he's following me around arguing with me. I asked how I could be expected to stay here when his daughter is here and she hates me and feels free enough to yell it throughout the house so that I can hear her? He said that one week she hates me and the next week she likes me and this is the same way I act about him (it's a "woman thing). He also brought up how much I disliked my stepmother growing up. I was like, what the hell does that have to do with this situation? Then he starts badgering me about money. Then he came back and said that he can't believe I'm "giving up" and if I would've listened longer yesterday I would've heard him stick up for me. I said I honestly don't care anymore.
So you don't care anymore?
You sound so much like I did before I divorced exDH in October. I kept hanging on like you - for 30 years, hoping things would change. And as you can see, it doesn't. ExDH did the same things your DH does - projecting, telling me I am too negative because I was asking for minimal conversation and affection. Giving me the silent treatment. Mumbling, and when I asked that he repeat what he said, smirking in delight.
Like Reedle, I found a whole new world after exDH left. It's been absolutely wonderful getting up and looking forward to the day without all of the hastle. I think we stay because we fear the unknown. But discovering how fanstastic the 'unkown' is can be so rewarding - taking life day by day, finding out you are a good person after all, that you CAN have faith in yourself, and you deserve a peaceful and enjoyable life. The more you are away from the abuse, the better it gets.
Your DH chose the actions he is now taking, blaming you instead of trying to understand, instead of trying to improve the marriage and your relationship. There is a point of no return, where a marriage simply cannot be saved. It's extremely hard to take the plunge, but if nothing else, think about a temporary separation and try it on for size. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Gaslighting in full force right here...
ugh, sounds like the awful guy I married for a minute, left in March 2020 after he and his DaughterWife24 were cuddle buddies, raging at me to go to sleep, screaming at me about money (his financial failures), following me around the house arguing with me, parroting what I would say to him, trapping me in the bathroom, tracking everywhere I went, etc. I have combat PTSD and all the stuff that goes with it...and he knew how to push my buttons. Being alone and solitude are two different things...try to find yourself some solitude away from home for a couple or few days. I'll take being alone over being abused any darn day!
You not loving him anymore will likely turn into resentment and then to contempt...and it's hard to hide.
Whew! The air is fresher on the other side of he*l...
Wishing you peace
Olivia glad to see you on the
Olivia glad to see you on the boards giving wonderful advice to other board members!
Thank you Movingonisbest...
life on the other side is so peaceful! I'm still enjoying my solitude and time with friends.
That thick foundation of anxiety is long gone now. Staying 'single by choice' still works well for me.
I'm all for the family unit when it can be repaired. Oftentimes, when we're in the 'bubble of dysfunction' we don't see the abuse. It takes a village of support, and oftentimes radical acceptance, to make the daunting jump to freedom. ;-)
Hugs xoxo