Divorce or not?
OK, I know I posted yesterday but I really need some outside takes on my situation. So, my husband and I have been married four years this Friday. Initially, our marriage was fantastic. We went on trips together, always spent time together, and had a great time. Once I introduced him to my family, stuff started going bad real quick. My family, who I had thought was always supportive, suddenly turned on me and just went pure evil. They were upset that I was with him, thought he was tearing the family apart, and just lost their minds. I did not speak to my parents or siblings for months. Fast forward to today, i am not on speaking terms with my family although my husband is not. My husband has no desire to have any relationship with my family at all. And, he holds so much resentment towards me for handling everything so poorly and now getting my cake and eating it too as I get a relationship with my family and with him. I totally understand his point of view and know that i screwed things up initially and never handled them well. I have always struggled with this and when my husband and I met, there was so much going on in my life that i just crumbled and could not deal with this. Both my daughter and my husband's daughter do not live at home with us anymore. They are both adults now but moved out in their late teens. Now my youngest daughter is saying that she does not like her SD and it is clear that my home is the last place she wants to be.
So, my question is this - do we file for divorce and go our separate ways? It would really, really suck not being with him but so many other things in my life would improve, specifically my relationships with my kids and my parents. Or, do we continue to try to work through this marriage? And, when I say that, I don't know if that is even something he wants right now. He is so resentful of me and I don't know if that is something we can work through.
I would greatly appreciate any advice or thoughts from others dealing with or having dealt with similar situations or individuals who struggled with their second marriage.
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Honey I’m going to say this both as a mother of daughters,
And "survivor" (not a huge fan of that word) of an abusive/toxic marriage, your husband sounds abusive. I know that it's hard to really tell as this is the internet but based on your previous posts and his actions, is it possible your family was concerned for you? Saw the red flags. It is not normal or healthy for him to want YOU a grown woman with grown children to react the way he did to your son staying over when it was "our time" for instance my own DH has made it clear my children are more than welcome to visit and even stay the night should the need arise. Please check out the book "
Narcissistic Relationship Recovery
2 Book Collection: Trauma Bonding and Coercive Control" by Lauren Kozlowski. These books helped me see my now ex husband very clearly, and perhaps it will resonate.
Abusive men tend to shun therapy like the plague, THAT should also be a red flag to you.
Thank you- I will look into
Thank you- I will look into those books
Why did everyone all of a
Why did everyone all of a sudden start to hate him? Did he do or say something? Did you act in a way that was different that worried them? It's hard to say whether you should end your marriage for your blood family without knowing what started their hatred.
While I can't speak on leaving, here are my thoughts on the other pieces:
1.) Your daughter is an adult and doesn't have to have a relationship with your SD or your husband. That's her choice, and you shouldn't push her to accept either of them.
2.) Your family isn't required to like your husband or have a relationship with him.
3.) Conversely, your DH doesn't have to have a relationship with your family or like them.
ETA: Re-read your previous blogs and what I responded to them two years ago. Yes, you should divorce. Your DH has been asking for it for two years and it doesn't sound like you want to do the work to prioritize hia needs above your wants. Your marriage has turned toxic at best. Time to move on.
I think you are taking on far
I think you are taking on far too much guilt for the demise of this relationship. I think you blame yourself for things that you are not responsible for. Time to consider what bothered your family about him and whether there isn't more than a grain of truth to their fears. Have you considered that he gaslights you to make you feel bad? How long did the magical time when everything was hunky-dory last?
I have one more question - how quickly did you get married? I ask because it seems he love-bombed you, is gaslighting you, and is trying to isolate you and a short engagement would tie in with that. So tell us, what exactly does your family hate about him?
We did get married rather
We did get married rather quickly. We both met while we were previously married, got divorced from our spouses and then married each other. So, we both know that we definitely rushed into things.
So, you have to understand that my family is somewhat toxic. They don't really accept any new people into their lives unless these people do exactly as they want. My family was bullying me and my older daughter when my husband and I first got together. Honestly, they don't like him because he took time away from them- that is really it. My previous husband just went along with everything and I had such a close relationship with my parents since my exhusband and I had no relationship. Then my new husband and I do everything together initially and they are upset because I am not with them all the time.
Are you saying that your
Are you saying that your previous marriages ended because you two had an affair?? If so, that may be why there is lack of acceptance.
Yes and no. We started
Yes and no. We started realizing liked each other while we were still married. I quickly asked my r husband for a divorce . He waited a little longer to ask for a divorce so there is definitely resentment from his daughter because of this.
When you say "we...liked each
When you say "we...liked each other", do you mean physically attracted?? I have a number of male friends whom I "like", but I like them as friends. There is no physical attraction.
You don't have to be physically involved to be emotionally unfaithful. And it certainly sounds like your mutual attraction was the catalyst for both divorces. For some, this is all that matters and there will never be acceptance. Nor does there have to be. Do they see/suspect mental/physical abuse? If abuse is not an issue, their feelings need to be put aside so you can focus on WHY you should stay married or get divorced.
Physical and emotional
Physical and emotional attraction and although it sped up our divorces, we were both already heading there. He was not the reason I got divorced, he was only the reason I got divorced at that moment. And, there is no resentment from that perspective from my family- they knew I had been miserable for years. My husbands daughter definitely holds resentment about it though. And, there has never been any physical abuse. Mental, maybe there. He does tend to put me down a lot when we argue. He is very deragatory towards me in arguments and says sooo many negative things to me and about me
where do you see yourself, if
where do you see yourself, if you remain married, in 5 years? in 10?
be honest w/ yourself. is this the mindset you want to remain in for the rest of your evers?
No
No
OP - you claim your family is
OP - you claim your family is toxic. So is mine. But, that also made me act in toxic ways and accept toxic behavior from my romantic partners.
While your family may in fact be toxic it also seems you have teamed up with a toxic, emotionally immature man.
There is hope. You can break free and work on yourself to ensure you don't attract another toxic, emotionally immature romantic partner.
I just posted this on your 6
I just posted this on your 6/26 thread but I'll say it again. You seems to spend a lot of time apologiing and atoning to your husband for things he seems to pull out of his back pocket continuously. You blamed your daughters for not liking him, your family for nnot liking him but you seem blind to his actions/words/faults. Could he be 50% of each problem? you put your child to the side because he wasn't happy but he still wasn't happy and I do not think he will be until you are permanently the punching bag and there's no one left to take your side or support you.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. Yeah, I already don't really have anyone to turn to or talk to about anything. I think you are right- no matter what, it will never be good enough for him
He does tend to put me down a
He does tend to put me down a lot when we argue. He is very deragatory towards me in arguments and says sooo many negative things to me and about me
Reading the above? You should reverse that: he will never be good enough for YOU.
Life is too short to be this unhappy. I know: I was married to a mentally, physically, abusive, gaslighting narcissist.
Thank you so very much for
Thank you so very much for your advice
You cannot allow either DH or your BKs to play you like this.
I would shut down both DH and your daughter. Your family too if necessary.
They all are yanking you in the directions they want you to go in.
What do you want?
That is what is important in all of this IMHO.
I will tentatively
Just come at it from the other side as you've had plenty of good advice the other way.
My twin brother rushed into a marriage with an older lady, she had 2 daughters closer in age to him and was she used to being their friend. Or rather constantly being used and dropping everything for them. They would bully or talk her into stuff, say that my brother was controlling when really he wanted some of her time and some boundaries and privacy in place.
She felt torn so she left. Equally she started to wake up to how selfish and actually abusive her daughters are. When she said no to childcare as I'm getting a job. They lost their horrible minds.
My brother moved on, met a lovely lady, but had a lot to do with his ex as they still co parent my teenage niece.
When his ex and niece found out about the new woman, she decided she wanted him back and would do anything, work for the first time in 20 years, actually keep the house tidy etc.
It's a learning curve for both of them and it's not easy but they are making it.
Just be careful you don't end up with regret or feeling alone. Only you know whether it's him or the kids being the selfish party, and if you dovhave to make a choice make it with you in mind. Your kids are adults by the sound of it, they don't get to dictate your life