SHOCKED BY MIL
Really need feedback here.
I'm a SM of 11 years and just nonstop conflict for years since I had my dd almost 3 years ago. Dh and bm do not communicate at all for years now. Things used to be so wonderful up until I got pregnant.
Anyway stepdaughters 14&16 stopped visiting when they felt like it around 10 and 12. We would make plans and they would cancel. If they came over and there was bad behavior and we took cell phones away they would call older brother or mom to come get them. Basically if they didn't call the shots they would leave.
One evening I lost it. It was Christmas and sd16(was 13 at the time) demanded we go shopping and I got off a 16 hour shift and told her no until the next day.
She flipped and called her brother to come get her. 2 days later she told her school counselor we locked her out of the house. She apologized but after that I didn't trust her. I was pregnant and it freaked me out as her counselor wanted to call cps (but didn't after talking to bm and my dh and sd admitting the lie).
After that she refused to come over because we told her not to bring her cell phone or limit the use . We caught her recording us having a convo and it got weird.
A year went by and we had limited contact. She was angry all the time. We found out she was autistic adhd high anxiety and special needs. We asked to do family counseling but everyone refused. I was so close to her and it hurt me alot. It took months to get over it .
Anyway 3 years later sd14 refuses to visit until we make amends with her sister. She visited for 2 years alone until she gained loyalty. Now my sister in law father in law and now mother in law think its ok for them to send text messages like this...."we hate you we can't wait until you get divorced " fuck off i cant wait until you die you abused me as a child....I was talking to mother in law tonight and she said well shes not wrong! Dh abused her as a kid! He would scream at them and was horrible to them!
I'm so confused. We wereAmazing to them. I literally planned every weekend to do something with them. I bought all their clothes picked them up from school 2 days a week. They looked so sloppy. I made them my life. I loved them so dearly. I cannot believe our in laws who all live 1000 miles away are now getting so jnvoled saying "they r just angry because they want their dad"....but yet they demand myself not be there with my 3 year old...I know there's loyalty there but I guess I'm shocked by MIL who's always been so nice.The older one made up a lie to cps and she says "how about u forgive and forget?"
How can it be that easy??Then says "I'll tell you one more thing - on my mothers death bed she cried and told me she was sorry for washing my mouth out with soap. Deep regret as she died. Don't do that.
I guess I'm just shocked they are ok with such horrible behavior. What about my dd? Shes the last one I didnt block...
I thought you had her blocked
I thought you had her blocked?
She was the last one not
She was the last one not blocked. But now she is.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Don't unblock her either. She sounds unhinged.
I have found, and very
I have found, and very commonly as equally oddly so, that people can change their versions of reality to suit whatever is their need/want most suited to them at the time. Step kids, step families, extended families (step and not). They always need a villain. The one that can 'bring people together' can so easily become the 'core of all that is wrong' because they are so central to all of them and easy to blame.
I have just a found it so hurtful and unjust (I have this real trigger against things that are unjust) but I know in myself my intentions, how I felt/feel and also now know if people like that can turn/believe such ridiculousness about me - it's not me, it them.
Trust yourself and the person you are and the relationship you had with each member of the family at the time as true, but don't let it make you question yourself, then or now.
It is them, not you, and the more you can repeat that the sooner you can free yourself from feeling guilt or responsibility for the chaos they continue to cause.
It's not easy, but the perspective really does help shift everything. Xx
It's the classic Drama
It's the classic Drama Triangle. Some families love to have a villain, a victim, and a savior. In my case, DH is always the villain, the savior is either MIL or BIL, and the victim is either BM or skids. Sometimes, MiL also likes to present herself as the victim. It's dysfunctional...and exhausting. I avoid anyone in the drama triangle (except for DH who rarely participates in the madness, but by being passive ensures that he continues to be cast as the villain), which is relatively easy, because even though DH's family is close by (and even though we're expected to stay close by because of it), we see them 2, maybe 3 times a year.
A brilliant description.
My IL clan is one of these incestuous drama fests. They have an incestuous attraction to drama. Not actual incest. Someone is always the villain. Who sits in the shit bird seat rotates. The the rest of the clan polarizes into the attack group or the defend group.
It is no longer as overt as it once was but it is there. Which makes it far harder to recognize. It used to be brutally overt.
I'm sure that your MIL doesn
I'm sure that your MIL doesn't appear to be insensitive.. and you also have to allow for the fact that she likely feels sorry for her granddaughters.
On the face of it.. I can see her not being able to grasp that her son is estranged from his minor children. I can also see her recounting the story she did as an example of how he may regret his stance now. And.. yes.. I can see her pushing for you to forgive and forget the accusation made by a young preteen (I think she was right?). It was wrong.. but teens can be dramatic and do things that are incredibly stupid and hurtful... and she doesn't really have the full picture of their ongoing vitriol and profane texts. she wants you to forgive because she sees that as a barrier to her son reconciling with his daughters.. minor daughters.. she probably thinks he will regret too.
And.. I'm not sure if the "abuse" of yelling etc.. could have been before you met?
In the end, I think she is trying to mend the rift.. but, she, unfortunately, does not have all the facts at hand.. the efforts that may have been made etc..
And.. yes.. she is going to you and your DH because you are the "adults".. and in her mind.. it's on you to fix it...
I think the best way to have responded would be to say.
I appreciate your concern, but unfortunately, I don't know that you could possible know the full measure of facts. You may have heard one version of "truth".. but clearly that is not the only version that exists.. and is not necessarily the most accurate. Be assured that your son has made many efforts to reconcile with his children, but it is not going to be accomplished with demands and conditions on their part.
What is your red line in all of this?
I think you need to let go of
I think you need to let go of the romanticized idea that FIL and MIL will be grandparents to your child. If I was you, I would not let them have access for fear of hurting my child by rejection or whatnot.