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Don’t want to be around adult SD

cwanders's picture

Submitted by cwanders on Tue, 05/03/2022 - 2:00pm

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Adult Stepchildren

DH and I have been married for 12 years. DH has two adult step kids, one daughter and one son. SD was a witch since we started to date. Snarky and treated me as if I broke up my DH's marriage which was not the case. I didn't even know him when he got divorced.  After so many years I just don't want any involvement with the SD. I on rare occasion have interacted via text with SS and his wife. They just had a one year anniversary so I texted greetings that affect. I mentioned to my husband so he has communicated with the SD that we will be visiting friends in the former state we used to live and the same state as the SS and crazy x wife live in. So now she is hot to come and visit when we are there. She has 2 kids which are unruly and the kids run the show. I suspect she will bring the kids as well. We will be staying in our RV when we are there so no room inside for kids or SD. I suspect she will manipulate DH into being her taxi service.  I am not trusting her to be alone with my DH. She is manipulative in a very passive aggressive way. She made it clear when her 1st child was born that I would not be the grandparent to her child. I have never bonded with GK's because I knew she would probably use them as a pawn which I wanted no part of.  My DH and I don't really have discussions about her and he isn't really keen on being the doting grandfather although he doesn't really relay that to the SD.  We like having our quiet time and no drama.  So now I have such anxiety about having to deal with her when she comes. I feel like my vacation is about to be ruined. The older I get the more I look back on her interactions with me in the past and the madder I get just thinking about it. She is so demanding and argumentative.  If I were to mention that it's time to end the visit she will just argue with me or if I say nothing she just stays and stays and won't leave. Of course DH won't tell her it's time for her to go. I have in the past had to arrange to meet friends so she will leave but even then she won't leave.   What's a evil step mother to do?  These S kids are in their forties. It's not like they are 18 years old. 

goldengoat's picture

Submitted by goldengoat on Tue, 05/03/2022 - 2:13pm

I'm so sorry!  I would be livid in your position.  Maybe find a really fun, addictive outside activity to bring along to distracted the GKs?  Something they probably don't see often like tic-tac-throw or, like, horseshoes?  Unless they're teenagers and wouldn't be interested.  Something that would distract them outside and at least keep them out of your hair and out of your RV, maybe.  Don't frame it as something that's for them, but just something that's sitting outside looking fun.  lol  As for your SD, I have no idea, but I'm sorry she's messing up your vacation.  

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 05/03/2022 - 2:43pm

You tell him point blank to tell his daughter that you have "a lot of things to do planned.. so she needs to let you know what day she would like to coordinate a visit with him... and he can put her on his schedule."    Hold his feet to the fire on the message that you will be very busy.. and you don't intend to derail your existing plans to make her and her children a central driver for a vacation that you planned with no knowledge she would be there.

He could also tell her that since you have so much planned during that time, it would be better for her to come visit "another time" when you are home, for example.

give him the ultimatum pep talk to not agree to her whims.. that he won't be available to drive her around.. because you will be planning to use your vehicle the day he visits with her.. she can come pick HIM up that day.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Tue, 05/03/2022 - 3:37pm

You need a plan.

The good news is that she is coming to see her father, not you. So you don't need to be present at all, and if you are a polite "hello" kind of thing is all that's needed. Do you have a car with the RV? If so, you take it to get a mani/pedi or whatever. If not, take the RV or an Uber.

Then set a time with your DH when he will meet up with you, or you will be back so you can get on with your next set of pre-planned activities (watching paint dry is an activity). That way there is a defined start and stop time for the visit.

For me, worrying about it is the worst. If I know I have certain things to do and certain times I'll be away (allowing them "bonding time") we're all happier.