Prom-Gate & Enmeshment Tales
So Prom-Gate:
Its Toxic Trolls week to have SD15/16, and its Prom weekend. Last week, Husband had taken SD shopping and bought the dress - she picked out a really cute tube type dress with gathers and spaghetti straps, in a deep burgundy color. Its a 20's theme, so shes been online doing research and ordered a feathered headband, some glass pearls, a faux fur stole, and all that jazz. I lent her another string of (real frsshwater) pearls from my collection as well as a sweet vintage beaded white purse. Im having so much fun watching this creative process unfold.
Shes going with her "Just a friend" who is a junior, and there is quite the group going. A limo has been hired and there is a dinner reservation at a really nice locally owned restaurant overlooking the ocean. Its all set to be a fantastic evening. What could go wrong here?
Her "hes just a friend" wanted to pick her up, and she wanted to get ready at our house and not have him have to drive all the way to Toxic Trolls apartment. Toxic Troll insisted that she get ready there, and that she wants to meet this "just a friend". Shes also insisting that SD has many guys that like her and want to "date her". SD insists its "not like that". (side note Toxic Troll was rather "free" with herself back in HER teen years, and is projecting this onto her two daughters) In this example of enmeshment, Toxic Troll is acting out that SD doesnt want to be pushed into making her friend drive extra distance, so Toxic Troll is assuming shes "embarrassed" by her. I am not involved on that level anymore, so Im just well, your father is ok not really meeting this person, but he trusts your judgement and your words that you are safe. Plus we have a bday party to go to and wont be around when pickup occurs.
SD was in tears last night relating this ongoing argument. Her mother is silent-treatmenting her instead of being excited for her going to her first Prom. We talked about things this morning. About her mother acting out and making everything all about herself, rather than hey this is about kiddo having a fun time with friends, this is HER time now, its not all about you Toxic Troll. I (gently) explained in scientific terms, about enmeshement. How shes at the age where she wants to separate from her family and find out who she is and explore the world outside of the family unit. How thats HEALTHY NORMAL and NATURAL.
In the cases of enmeshment, the parent will act out when this occurs, but that its important to understand whats going on and not let it spiral you downward emotionally. I think she gets it. Because she is seeing it all play out, and seeing the results with her sister Feral Forgers disable-ment. Plus shes having a great time and her energy is compounded by her friends that are putting together THEIR outfits 
I just hope Toxic Troll does what I did during Cadet-Ball - wish her a fantastically fun time with her friends...
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Comments
Hope she has fun!
Her plans sound like fun! I like that 20's theme. Sounds like she's starting to have a teen social life. I hope TT doesn't drag her down. TT got a current BF to keep her busy nowadays?
no Boyfriend that we know of
just online dudes...
Shes golden uterusing to the max. Now the argument has escalated hugely. "you can live with clove and your dad and im not paying for anymore fun things for you anymore and not driving you anymore".
But she still had a blast.
She is lucky to have you.
I hope she can enjoy her prom without the Troll's putrid crap ruining it.
She had a blast
And things escalated. Now they arent talking and shes staying with us over Easter, which was supposed to be HER time. Total putrid crap.
gUBM just manipulated the
gUBM just manipulated the situation so she doesn't have to be the parent. She plays all of you like a symphony. I would have said no SD you are spending time at your mom's . I remember one year , I set the SIL up with a statement, (testing the drama triangle out with MIL). This was early on and lots of drama from BM. It was Thanksgiving and BM liked to go out on Wednesday night and get rip roaring drunk and had huge hangovers for Thanksgiving. SIL went running to MIL and they were all up in arms that the skids were going to not have a turkey dinner ( cuz BM hungover as usual). DH had to finally put some boundaries on everyone and forced the CO to happen. Skids had a crappy dinner on paper plates and learned a bit about their mother that year. Nobody died and lived to tell the tale. My point is that it won't hurt back stabber to suffer her mother. She made it clear to you that you don't really matter. Now if she spends enough time over suffering , she might come to appreciate better things. Then Again maybe not. You have a really tough situation.
Ugh
I just saw this post and was hoping for a better ending but your comment indicates otherwise. Sorry for all of you. (Hugs)...this too shall pass and even B/M will age out soon...
Most BMs want to see their
Most BMs want to see their kids for prom pics. Beware Buttmunch gilding the lily for attention.
Buttmunch hahaha
Buttmunch hahaha
You are back to it. Educating
You are back to it. Educating SD on enmeshment. SD isn't stupid. She knows you are hinting about her mom. Plus discussing how her mother "is acting out?" You shouldn't partake in these discussions. Why are you doing it? Nothing good will come out of it.
I'd not ever speak poorly of my DD's father with her. And she is actually my child. You shouldn't bond with kids, and definitely not with kids who aren't yours, over criticism of another parent. I thought you stopped doing it. Last week it was bashing OSD, now discussing BM. "Gentle" or not, you should not ever do that.
You are back to square one. it will back fire.
The facts matter.
Even if a kid is delusional. They should be force fed the facts.
IMHO of course.
Yeah the facts matter but I
Yeah the facts matter but I don't think it's stepparents' job to educate minor kids on their parents' or other family members' shortcomings. It always backfires. They thrown her under the bus every time it's convenient. I think it's healthier to focus on providing safe environment and teach by modeling. Be a role model and teach best behaviors, that's the best lesson. Better lesson than telling skids that their parents are losers.
I did mention
that I wished her well, and a good time, and that I hope her mother does as well, that would be the right thing to do.
Im at "meh", and as things have escapated, SD is in the drivers seat as to how she wants to deal with things.