An apology after 5 years of hell - what would you do?
I am curious as to what StepTalkers have done when you have received a letter of apology from a young adult stepchild, after deliberately putting you through years of hell?
If you were on the verge of leaving (with a concrete plan to do so in weeks I mean), did it change your mind? (He doesn't know about my plan, it is a coincidence).
Was the apology genuine or was it just so they could a) live in your home again b) escape their boring job c) use you somehow just as they've done before?
If you accepted it and tried again, how and why? What happened?
I have been brought to my knees in terror, sadness and frustration by these now young adult stepsons. I've had a handful of quick verbal apologies before after they've done something awful, but that was only after I wouldn't back down and they wanted to get their father off their back or get money/somewhere to stay/help from us. Each time, within days they were back to their nightmare behaviour and contempt for me. I disengaged long ago, Covid was great in this regard as I've hardly seen them, the stepson in question terrorised me 18 months ago over a period of weeks, so much I nearly called the police, and I haven't seen him since. Suddenly this email arrived.
I'd like to hear your thoughts.
"Show me, don't tell me."
Thank them for the appology, then keep them at a safe distance. An appology does not clear countless years of toxic history. Only countless years of perfect behavior can even come close to neutralizing the decades of toxic. Even countless years of behavioral perfection does not clear the need to be eternally wary of these toxic failed family breeding refuse examples.
Show me, don't tell me. Has to apply. Stand on that hill, plant your flag, and die on it if necessary. Give your DH clarity that he is the one to blame for all of this with his failed parenting.
If you're on the verge of
If you're on the verge of leaving, and the SKs are the biggest reason why, would this apology change your mind? I don't think I have anything left in me, my loathing of them is total and I dread every second in their company and I am weeks away from leaving.
Can such a situation every turn round? I don't know if I could forgive them for the abuse, and I certainly will never forget.
No it wouldn't change my mind
I would leave, work on healing and ultimately live a life with peace of mind and spirit. Good luck to you.
No, the apology should not reset your departure date.
The apology certainly would not change my mind in your situation, if I were you.
Can the situation turn around? Yes, though the likelihood is not much greater than ZERO. IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
The stall
Today I watched a video about airplanes that stall out. There is very little chance to recover from a stall. The airplane points its nose in the air, loses lift and plummets to the ground. We can stall out in relationships and continue to falter in mid-air for years until there comes a point where the situation is no longer fixable. We hope something will change miraculously, that we will glide into love forever, that SD and DH will make adjustments and turn into different people. It's a dream, and the odds of failure hits us savagely before the 'big crash' when we divorce.You are at the point of no return. Promises and aplogies for manipulation will not deter the eventual nose dive.
For most of us, there are red flags we disregard and minimalize because of the false hope that all is going to turn out for the best. We go into marriage with a preditor blinded by this hope. But when you decide to take that hope and apply it to yourself, you will find there are no limits to where you can fly. Continue with your plan. You will not be sorry.
Well stated, Sandye.
Well stated, Sandye.
OP, no apology from a skid changes the core problem, which is your H. If you're done, be done.
You sound as if you are
You sound as if you are grasping at straws trying to find a reason to stay. You appear to forget that your skids were not the only guilty ones, your partner was part and party to your misery. He stood by and watched his sons torture you, abuse you, insult you, verbally beat you down and didn't lift a finger to stop them. In fact, he told you quite bluntly that his kids would always come before you and you just had to suck it up, right? For years, you have been told that, once you've been used as a verbal punching bag, you should just pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again.
An apology from one of your bullies, via email not even in person, is worthless. Put it where it belongs, in your spam or junk mail folder, and forget about it.
Life is way too short, lady ...
You leave because your
You leave because your relationship with your partner is broken.. and a symptom of it can be that he doesn't support you when you are suffering abuse by his kids. When he forces you to allow them to live in the home.. when he uses your money to support his kids against your wishes.
Whether his kid apologizes or not has zero to do with your partner and your relationship with him.. that is what you are breaking up from.. not his kids.
Has anything changed with the way your husband supports you? Cares for you? is a good partner? THAT is the deciding factor.
I would say absolutely that at this point, his ADULT children would not generally be welcome in the home.. not only to not live there. but I would have your husband celebrate birthdays.. whatnot outside the home.. even if you are willing to attend the "family" Christmas dinner.. at a restaurant.. you drive separately.. and if it turns sour you could leave.
But, if you were already ready to go out the door.. I don't see how his child's apology is relevant to your relationship with your partner.
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the nature of the apology... was it vague (basically there "apologizing" but they don't know what for)... or was it specific (they clearly know how the screwed up) and what's the context (is there something to gain out of the "apology"). Those are the things I would consider. Also- actions speak way louder than words so I'd sit back and just wait to see what happens. Time will be your biggest indicator of how genuine and sincere they are...
Forgive but not forget
If the apology seemed genuine...I would accept it but also tell them too much has happened to try again, and you'll be remaining separate from their lives. I would wish them well but ask for no further contact.
If things are already at the point where you have escape plans, then any apology is too little too late.
Deeds not words
I would respond politely but since the only thing I believe are someone's deeds, I doubt if the apology would alter my view of them. I'd be on alert for life. As to your question about whether or not to leave, I'd postpone making a decision for a few days because you seem like you are emotional right now. Better to make that decision at a calmer time. Best wishes, whatever you decide.
Not from SD... but I received
Not from SD... but I received an apology from BM about a month after she found out we were pregnant. This was after 5 years of making our lives hell. Dragging me into court, threatening me, harassing me, showing up at my workplace, literally begging DH to take her back... you name it, she did it.
Her "apology" was a message on FB. She told DH to tell me to read it. I could have sworn I had her blocked... but thought maybe she just made another account. She "apologized" but it was very general. Not anything specific she thought she had done wrong over the years. She sent her "congratulations" and wanted all 3 of us to be on the same page with SD.
I just said thanks, but still kept my distance... that was about 1 and a half years ago now. Looking back, I think she just wanted to stay relevant in DHs life and communicate with him more. I think she felt like he was "slipping away" since he now had another child... not with her. She was always the type that made sure to let you know "I'm the mother of your child." Typical golden uterus syndrome. She reached out a couple of times wanting favors... me to drop SD to school, having DH borrow my car for exchanges... and a couple of other things. I think she wanted to apologize so I would think twice about maybe doing her a favor. Didn't work though. And maybe to clear her OWN concious. We are still no contact and I prefer it that way. DH still keeps communication with her very limited. BM hasn't started any drama with me again... but I'll always be on the lookout with her. People like her don't just change.
I would accept the apology, but still keep your guard up. Actions speak louder than words.
Perhaps it is genuine,
Perhaps it is genuine, perhaps it is not. When there is not enough trust in place it's very easy to question the other party's intention. If it is me I'd accept the apology, but like Rags has said I'd keep myself at a distance from the toxic person. Accepting an apology does not mean I now need to bond and build a relationship with them. Good for them to recognize the wrongdoing, now if they can be the nice person they think they are, they will leave me be.
You got an apology (of sorts)
You got an apology (of sorts) from one SK. But, that SK is not the only one. Then there is your partner. Your partner who had you leave the house for hours on Christmas so his children could be there. Is this (sort of) apology from this SK going to change the whole dynamics? Or is 'but he apologized' going to be thrown around as a reason for you to allow him to abuse you again?
Its not what they say or text an apology but what they do
Plenty of times my husband told skids to apologise and it was all talk to shut him up. Eventually the same things start right after.
Its an empty apology until you actually change and prove you are a changed person
OP, you have been on "the
OP, you have been "on the verge of leaving" for THREE YEARS now. Why are you still there? You know that any apology you get will be fake. Empty words change nothing.
Don't you think you deserve a better life than this?
Would I accept an apology
Would I accept an apology from an SK? That depends on how genuine I deem it to be and how genuine they act going forward. I do think SKs can change as they get older and wiser, recognizing either their crappy behavior or the poison they got from their other parent. I'm not going to hold a grudge against most things done by kids when they had kid brains. I'm also not going to accept toxicity, so if I get an appology followed by toxic, self-serving actions, I'll disengage again, and probably forever.
Would I let an apology from an SK keep me in a marriage that I was actively planning to leave? Nope. SKs have a lot of power, but ruining my marriage isn't one of those powers (98% of the time). Either my spouse's poor response to their kids' actions is what drives a wedge in our marriage or I discover that, in spite of my spouse's best efforts, I can't deal with the drama/being a SP. An apology wouldn't make my spouse a better partner, and it wouldn't make me any more interested in being a SP/dealing with the drama of SKs and step family life. If I stay, it's because I see my spouse trying harder and pulling their full weight in the marriage OR I've figured out how to deal with drama/accept my role as a SP in step life. An email apology is nice, but it doesn't impact how my spouse acts or my internal ability to accept my life as a whole.
Totally agree...
Totally agree...
I mean.. I guess if the situation was that a skid had been in active addiction and that was driving erratic behavior and their bio parent was frantic and not as supportive as they should have been to their spouse dealing with that kind of crisis?.. perhaps if the adult child has since gone through recovery.. is firmly on that path and things have turned to even keel and the hurts by the PARTNER towards not supporting their spouse have been atoned for as well? Perhaps that is a extreme situation where the apology would be welcome.. but only if the partner's relationship has already experienced healing to be viable... the apology in itself changes nothing between the two relationship partners.
I was written a letter or
I was written a letter or apology after several years of no communication. Honestly it really didn't change how I felt about anything. To be fair the "apology" letter wasn't so much an apology as it was a letter to explain and excuse behaviors so as to help Spawn continue to feel the victim in her own mind. It didn't have me wavering on whether or not I ever wanted her back in my life, I don't. If anything it just helped me feel more secure in my feelings of not wanting anything to do with her.
You bring up such a good
You bring up such a good point that all because someonr apologizes doesn't mean that we have to accept the apology or allow it to change anything.
My SSis has managed to get her life together and maintain stability for the last 1-2 years (I think; it's all a blur). Even if she stayed on this path until the end of her life, I'm not sure I'm interested in having a relationship with her. Good for her for getting her life together, but it doesn't erase years worth of hurt. And I honestly don't think I could trust that she wouldn't backslide, and I'm not interested in dealing with that again. I can accept and appreciate from afar that she is being a productive member of society and trying her best to be a better person. That doesn't mean I have to include her back in my life.
Like everyone else, it's not
Like everyone else, it's not just the SS, but the main problem was your STBex. He is the one to blame. I'd ignore the letter and continue on out.
I think the apology from the
I think the apology from the skid is irrelevant to your decision. You're leaving his father, not the SS. His father has failed to prioritize you and to protect you from his horrid children in your own home. The fact that one of the terrorists issues an apology, which may or may not be real, doesn't alter the fact that your partner has failed you badly in the relationship.
Continue with your plans to leave. Once you're gone, it doesn't matter whether you accept or ignore the apology.
Another thought here. I don't
Another thought here. I don't really believe in coincidences like this one. Your SS may not know that you're leaving but his father has almost certainly sensed that something has changed, that something is up. I'd be willing to bet that your partner put him up to making this apology because for some misguided reason he thinks that his son is the cause of your leaving and cannot imagine that he himself is the primary culprit.
No way is this a sincere apology. It's just another attempt at manipulation. Don't get sucked in.
Was thinking this too
Sounds too coincidental; your plans may be known or sensed and this is a last ditch effort to keep the victim in place. But even if it is a coincidence, you think about YOU. You can respond to theletter but still not become a re-victim. You can say, honestly, "thanks so much for this apology; you have given me a lot to think about." And then stay no contact, go ahead and get free of all this.
But don't commit to anything or share your plans, or change them, no matter what a PROVEN rotten and untrustworthy SK says in a letter (or does!). Some here say to distinguish between word and deed, but to me, reading back over the history of this, seems the deeds have clearly proven what you're dealing with. Go go go go go go go go go go.
Your leaving is about your
Your leaving is about your partner. Not the skids. If he was a good partner, none of the stuff with the skids would have been allowed to happen. You have to place the blame where it is really due.
Continue with your plans to leave and ignore the letter.
People don't change
and it's not just your stepkids. It sounds like your DH wasn't very supportive when it came to putting the skids in their place. I agree with what others have said, your DH has shown his true colors which has fueled the terror his kids have put you through. Your DH's nature and the nature of his nightmare kids isn't going to change. They may be nice/decent for a while, but they'll go back to their previous ways. Unfortunately, it's best for you to continue with your plans to leave and re-build a happier life for yourself. You could simply respond with 'thank you for the apology' or "what specifically are you apologizing for?' but, regardless of their reply, I'd move on. I hope and pray you are safe.
HELL NO! couldnt even front
HELL NO! couldnt even front up in person to sit down and have an adult conversation to apologise. press delete on that email and dont even acknowlegde that one had been sent. keep you plan moving forward and leave them all behind . you wont regret it ,, speaking from experience!
I Had Two Letters Sent
I've been totally disengaged from DH's kids for 4+ years. Zero contact. A humiliating event at DH's retirement party witnessed by my family and friends put me over the cliff. Over a year later, I recieved a letter from one of DH's adult sons who was part of that event. It was an avoidance of the real issue with lots of projection and BS. In spite of that, I responded, clarifying the facts of the event and why I was disengaged but that I was willing to move forward, following his lead.
A few months later, I recieved an apology letter from DHs oldest daughter, one of the main troublemakers. While it was authenic, it was filled with "look at me" comments. Again, I accepted the apology in spite of, clearly spelled out what I expected in the future and again, "will follow your lead"
Both followed up with another "gotcha" event that devestated my DH (he truly thought they'd changed) and I got a good laugh. I am still disengaged but will probably lessen some of my boundaries so they can come see DH at our home. (Right now, per counselor approved, DH sees his kids away from our marital home). I'll be civil and superficial; we will never have a relationship. Their behaviors did too much damage to ever allow me to trust them in any capacity.
All I can say is, tread carefully.
Agree with the others
I agree with the others who have said if you leave, you're leaving your DH. Skids are a factor, as we all know, and they sadly can impact a relationship if their parent doesn't step up and remind them of the pecking order. And the spouse should be #1. I haven't read your other posts, yet, but I think if your husband is putting abusive adult skids above you, then I'd tell him you didn't sign up to play second fiddle, let alone be a punching bag.
Me being me, I'd have to respond to the apology letter and detail the abuse and behavior....spell it out so it would be crystal clear who the a$$ho!e is. I'd probably say I was glad he recognized his behavior and hope he never treats anyone else that way and move on.
You have to do what's best for YOU. If no one else prioritizes you, then you must!
Definitely take care of yourself and stay strong!
Don't let this take up any of your head space.
These things, more often than not, are irrelevant and have zero measurable change in the behaviors perpetrated by the apologist.
Click it gone, yawn, and get on with your Skid free and hopefully happy life. Keep SO clear that you are following a don't ask and don't listen policy regarding his spawn.
No "apology" is ever for YOU, it's always for THEM, make no
mistake.
Mine has never apologized to me, and if she were to attempt that, it would only be to serve her selfish needs, not mine.
I haven't read the other responses. I try to always write mine, then go back and read what others have advised.
From what you've told us, there have been flippant, insincere "apologies" in the past, and they go right back to being who they've always been.
Ask yourself what do YOU GAIN from their false apology? Next ask what THEY stand to gain, or what is their motivation for an apology? There's your answer.
Do not fall for their very predictable BS.
That's a hard pass....
If you accept the apology, the SK might think everything is ok and relieve his guilt before he hits y'all up for money or place to stay, etc. I call it a loaded faux apology.
I would ignore it and not spend another minute of your energy on that email or on them.
Between now and dead...do you really want to continue living like this?
I would guess that you still have a LOT of happiness and fun to create between now and dead. Continue with your plan to gain your freedom. The air is fresher on the other side of h@ll.
Sending well wishes!
Toxic ppl
Only apologize to gain something. Consistent change to good behavior observed over time shows true repentance.
Hello, I just wanted to let
Hello, I just wanted to let the posters on this thread know that I have left. Thank you for your replies - I read them all and took in what they said. In the end I was terrified he would ask to return, he would be allowed to, they'd be explosions around that, then he'd be back in the house and the abuse would continue. I reached the end. On leaving, his Dad said he would never have allowed him back, but just a week before he had been defending him casually in a conversation. Whatever, my mind and body can't take any more of them.
When I left I fled to friends, and continued to have violent nightmares about the SKs a couple of times a week - every time they are either violent towards me, menacing, physically threatening or downright nasty and sneering - as I have had all these 5 years.
I am far away from them now in my new little home, and the nightmares have stopped.
Good to hear
So good to hear that you left this awful situation and are enjoying your new home. Have to tell you in time it only gets better and better - if you tackle the reason you allowed this into your life in the first place. I found out through therapy that I was attracting people into my life as surrogates for parents who were abusive. This is no longer the case and I am happier than I've ever been in my life - minus exDH (Thank God!). Learn to love yourself and only allow people into your life who practice mutual respect. Good luck on your new life.
There's a Pattern Here, Like Dancing the Tarantella...
SS has already shown you who and what he is. I would keep him as far away from myself as I could if I were you. Nothing good will come from his presence.
I cant' speak from SKs giving an apology, because my DH's "kids" never will. I do know SKs have apologized to their dad, but never to me for their horriffic behaviors. From experience, I see they usually try to weedle their way back into the marriage only out of self-serving motivation. You are collateral damage, and nothing more.
Self-preservation is priceless. Hang onto yours any way you are able to!