Moving on after nasty bust ups with SKs
Two questions here following this: My eldest SK (23) exploded at me a few weeks ago. Really went A1 mad, all his hatred of me from day 1 came out. Left me a shaking wreck (I was scared), and he left to enjoy himself the rest of the weekend. He proceeded to harrass me for the next 4 weeks in the house, any time he saw me in the kitchen etc. Tonight another bust up, he starts as soon as he doesn't like what he hears (eg his dad asked him to move his van).
Q1: This SK, and to an extent the other one, says he cannot understand why some people get upset after his outbursts. When he wants something from his Dad, he'll tell him he knows he says things he shouldnt, sometimes very hurtful, always aggressively, blurts things out - but he believes oh well, falling out is normal, and he actually cannot understand why it's not forgotten about the next day. His harrassment of me for 4 weeks was a lot to do with the fact that I am still reeling from the effect of what he has done, what he said, the effect on the house. I am disgusted, hurt, appalled, he admitted that all this time the SKs have delberately been nasty to me, and I sickened by what they have done, their attitudes to me and their SDad - who hides away as I do from them - and I detest him now. He's genuinely perplexed by this. Why on earth don't I just let it roll off me, he asks. Q: Is this a Snowflake thing? Is this this generation? Are they taught this? Do yours do this too? Where does this come from?
Q2: This seems to join the list of basic stuff I find this SK doesn't get. Respect for adults has been a huge thing, he still doesn't understand the concept or get why he should respect anyone. So he treats everyone badly, as does the other SK, and they wonder why they cause problems with people. Q: how do you explain to a grown man of 23 that when you insult someone, scream at them, rubbish them, scare them, blow up, yell expletives, harrass them (I know it is emotional abuse) - that the other person doesn't want to - and shouldn't need to - wake up the next morning and everything's "water under the bridge" and hunky dory. I tried once to explain - he actually doesn't understand why not. It's unbelievable to me.
P.S before you ask where's my partner in all of this: he is still all softly softly poor boy nonsense. He makes the situation worse, but for now, what can I say? Soon I know SK23 is going to attempt to apologise to me - not because he feels he has done anything wrong, but because he has been told that will fix it and clear the air and he finds the atmosphere uncomfortable, so it's a "quick fix" to him (i heard him tell his Dad this). When he does, I'd like to be prepared with powerful stuff to say back, rather than sit there open mouthed at the crap he comes out with.
A third question too...
Q3: How do you ever manage to move past something like this?
" SS you are an adult. When
" SS you are an adult. When you get to be an adult you have every right you treat people the way you want. I as an adult, have every right to not have a damn thing to do with anyone who talks to me and treats me disrespectfully. From now on I want nothing to do with you. "
Your SK lacks empathy because
Your SK lacks empathy because of a mental health issue (narcisism, for example), or he has no connection with emotions, probably including his own. Or he's lying about not understanding so that he can continue to abuse you (and it IS abuse) and make it seem like he's done nothing wrong since you should just "get over it."
Probably his father being so soft and indulging has a lot to do with it.
I'd worry less about what to tell him when he gives you a fake apology, and worry more about how you're going to get OUT of the entire situation. Since your partner won't protect you, what can you do to protect yourself? Move out? Insist on a plan for SK moving out?
Bigger question
How do you have any respect for DH ?? He is placing his sick DS over his wife. He making life in your home hell. I think unless DH get SS to move out ASAP I would be looking to move to a safer place
Honestly, I would not stay in
Honestly, I would not stay in a situation where my stepkids were abusing me and my DH was taking their side and supporting them.
If SS won't go, YOU go. Maybe DH needs a wake-up call. He's a lousy parent and terrible partner.
Yes he is.
Why are you putting up with this?
I don't understand why you are putting up with this? Part of your marriage vows are to love, honour and cherish none of which your husband seems to be doing. If your husband truly loved you, he'd not let this piece of filth treat you the way he does. You're allowing and enabling this behaviour by not putting your foot down. Stop being a doormat. Tell your husband to step up and be a man or pack your bags. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this situation? Because by you not putting your foot down, this is your life. If you want respect, demand it. I couldn't and wouldn't stay with a man who allowed this behaviour from their child. It's an unhealthy love if you can even call it love to allow your significant other to allow you to be a doormat. Love yourself, and if your husband isn't willing to be a real husband then WALK AWAY! You're going to end up bitter and angry in the end otherwise.
To hell with a half hearted
To hell with a half hearted fake apology from the SS. He would be dead to me. I'd want a sincere apology and a sea change from DH, or he wouldn't be my DH for long. He needs to back up his apology for being a terrible partner by kicking SS out, failing which I would be gone.
This is NOT normal.
Make a plan to get out. You are being abused. Your H is sick WITH his adult kids, and is gaslighting you so you'll shut up. His judgement is so skewed that you would be better off doing the opposite of what he says.
This is not going to get better. And your H is killing your love for him by sacrificing your wellbeing in order to keep the dysfunction going.
Is there a friend or relative you could arrange to visit for a week? You need to get out of that toxic environment for a while so you can gain perspective.
You are asking the wrong questions. You should be asking
You are asking the wrong questions. You should be asking yourself why you continue to put up with this abuse. Who cares why SS acts this way - it doesn't matter. What does matter is your emotional and physical health. You were going to leave in March 2019 for very similar behavior. Your SS is emotionally abusive and your DH does nothing to protect you.
Find a good therapist and start going for yourself. See if they can help you find the strength to leave this dysfunctional mess.
You don't move past it. You deliver abject misery and starvation
To the POS who bowed up on you. See how he likes the local homeless camp and being very, very hungry.
Why did his key still work after her blew up on you the first time?
Grow some stones and put this POS failed family pelvic sputum out on the curb where he belongs.
They won't value you unless you value yourself. And even if this POS does value you once he realizes he starves without access to your home, he will still be a POS.
Write him off.
"I don't want any of your
"I don't want any of your insincere apologies. Now go pack your bags and get the F*** OUT OF MY HOUSE and do not EVER come back!"
I hope you have a recording
I hope you have a recording or two of his outbursts because I'd be heading for the police station with them to have him removed from your home. Tell them you are scared of him and are afraid to go home.
Nobody should have to live in these conditions.
So.
So.
SK struck again tonight, my partner said how sorry his SS was and how much he wants to say sorry. I said that I actually heard him repeat that he is not sorry, but he'll say it if it makes the atmosphere better because he doesn't like the tension.
My partner went bezerk at me, and told me we are over. His SSs come first. Why couldn't I just ignore what they do? Why did I have to get so upset by them.
It's stuff he has said before and I've written about before on here, and felt humiliated writing, as I do now. Of course I know how off the scale awful it is. I saw how they treated him, as well as me, and it sickened me. Thing is, their treatment of me has never sickened my partner, has it?
I'm writing this terrified, but feeling I have had enough too. I have nowhere to go, no money, no family, and covid has killed my work. But there is something in me that is - enough, enough of this crap. Life with the SSs will be the end of me, and as long as my partner lets them get away with it, I shouldn't be here to take any more.
What's the phrase here? Hand holding? I don't know what I need, or what I'm asking for, but I am mentally preparing to go, and I have no idea where.
Contact a domestic violence
Contact a domestic violence shelter, they have lots of resources.
Take a good look around - is there anything of value you can sell? What about a friend who would take you in? Does your STBX want you out immediately, or is his just trying to bully you into submission?
How long have you been
How long have you been married? You have legal right to half of all bank accounts. Start gathering financial paperwork, get online and print out statements on accounts , credit cards, loans, savings app of them. You will need balances to take to lawyer. You can do this and to come out on top, you will need to do prep work. Make a mental list of DH's weak spots. If you are going to leave , many on here have been through it and can coach you if you keep posting.
Immediately file a RO/PO
Immediately file a RO/PO against the Skid and even SO if you feel threatened. That gets them out of the house and keeps them away until the RO/PO expires. Once they are out, have the locks re-keyed. Order a pile of food on line and lock in until either SO gets his head straight or you find out how to proceed safely.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Should have said I'm his
Should have said I'm his partner, but not his wife, so I am not entitled to anything.
I have contacted a Domestic Violence/Abuse charity - it is DA, and there are possibilities of refuge (if there are any spaces available - the government has cut their funding so there are only a few places open.
I have confided in a brother in law who I think had a word. My OH asked the son to leave yesterday. His mum's not far, it's no big deal to him. He left whist I was out, nicked a load of food, left without a thank you, sorry, nothing.
This is what they do. They literally s*** on people's lives, at home, at school and at work, move somewhere else, repeat it there, see the other place has just recovered and is an attractive place to be, move back, repeat. Just a trail of destruction enabled by their birth mother and father.
If only pandering bio parents could wake up to see the damage they do.
Learn the lesson that was
Learn the lesson that was just put in front of you: your abusive bf will ALWAYS prioritize his pos son over you.
This is only a lull in the storm, and nothing has really changed. Keep working on an exit strategy. Start looking for a job, any job, and start squirreling away money. Life will be amazing on the other side!
Use this reprieve
As time to get your ducks in a row. All this has shown you who you have partnered up with and its not pretty.
Im sorry you have gone through all this. But you MUST get out. Get a job. Get a bank account. Get transportation. Volunteer your time to make contacts. I see all kinds of jobs opening up in food service and customer service. Door Dash. Anything to get yourself up and running quickly.
I was in a bad spot in the first few years, with Feral Forger SD21, then 15, and underemployed. But Dh had my back, and we grew together. Once you find your footing, please go no contact with these horrid people.