Ss Relapse
So my 20yr old SS Relapsed yesterday, he was sober for over 60 days. He left his group home and now hes embarassed to go back. I pray to god he goes back. I understand relapse is common for people who are in treatment. My partner asks me if its ok for him to stay the night. Before she actually asks me she says "i think you should stay at your moms place" this was even before we discussed that he would be staying. I get that she needs to try and convince him one on one to go back, but its also my home. I thought it was appropiate to tell her I wasnt happy with it since it is OUR home and that asking me was the right thing to do. She wasnt happy when I said it would be ok as long as he doesnt bring drugs or alcohol into our home. I told her we have boundaries here just like his sober living place. She says she doent need to ask me permission about it....doesnt she? There is a reason to why he stopped living with us in the first place so I thinks its fair that she asks.
I have done nothing but support my partner through all of this but she tells me I dont have compassion for him. I had to set boundaries for myself. I lack compassion because of all the s@#$ he put us through. I lack compassion for individuals who are entitled and do not take accountabilty or responsibilty for their actions. Can you blame me for not having any compassion? I try I really do.
I really do wish the best for him. He's very lucky to have a family that pays for his rehab out of pocket. $9000 a month is no joke.
After living sober for a few weeks he all of a sudden got into expensive shoes and expensive clothes. I mean its cool, he finally was taking care of himself but what blows my mind is that he was being handed over $400 dollar nike supreme shoes and $200 track suits. He's 20yrs old and has never worked a day in his life. What a joke.
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Comments
Yikes
Seems like your partner doesnt ask because partner knows the answer will be a resounding "no".
You have every right to an opinion. You have every right not to live with skid.
It was not ok for your
It was not ok for your partner to ask you that SS stay the night. SS needed to be taken back to the group home. The idea that SS is magically going to get sober (again) and stay there while living with partner and you is magical thinking.
Did partner pay for the shoes and clothing? (Bad idea if partner did.) if not, I'd suspect SS is dealing.
Has partner ever gone to one of the programs for families of addicts? Maybe they could make partner understand the difference between compassion and enabling.
In a previous blog, you indicated you were moving out. Maybe you should revisit that idea and actually do it.
My partner did pay for half
My partner did pay for half of his shoes. I didnt say anything about cause it was her money she used.
Also I did move out last year. I took all my stuff and left. We didnt have any contact and then we reconnected a few months later. While we were seperated, She told me he had attacked her and was charged with assault. I wasnt surprised that it happened. It was only a matter of time because i saw how bad he was getting. We continued with our relationship but I never moved back in with her. I didnt wanna go back living in a place where I endured a lot of trauma. So we continued our relationship living seperately for a few months until we found a place together.
If SS stays, it may be time
If SS stays, it may be time to leave again.
Nope
Your partner is wrong on all points. First, you should NEVER have to leave your home for anyone, let alone a drug addict. NEVER. And yes, she does have to ask you...you both have ownership in that space. Only you two.
Second, your partner is dong her son a GREAT disservice. I have volunteered within a court ordered program for drug addicts. At this point of her son's addiction, Tough Love is the only thing that can be applied. He did not need a place to sleep. He needed a ride straight back to the facility. He did NOT need expensive clothes. If anything, WalMart or Target if the shoes were necessary. And if it was "just because I want," then he should not have gotten anything. So, she pretty much rewarded him for leaving a $9k a month sober program.
Your partner's stance and what she "thinks" you think are all red flags of a parent wanting to continue enabling an adult child addict. You may want to consider getting back to your own place. I don't see this behavior stopping. One other option is Al Anon and counseling for HER. She's a major part of her son's problem.
I know my stance seems harsh but understand. I've not only worked with recovering drug addicts, I also have lost 2 siblings to drug overdoses and my 10 year old nephew died in the car wreck that killed my sister, where all the adults were drugged up. My mother was their enabler and she herself died to her heavy prescribed drugs use. I don't play around with any type of addiction. I call it as I see it. Best to you. This is a tough journey.
Cajunmom has been there
Cajunmom sounds like the voice of exprrience, big time. I'd take all her advice.
You both need to go to AlAnon
You both need to go to AlAnon meetings and understand your situation better. I'd make that a requirement of her. Until she can face her enabling ways and see how distructive they are , there's no chance for either one of them.
Of course you have the right
Of course you have the right to stand up to no drugs or alcohol in your home with a relapsed addict.
If your SO can't handle that request, time to pack up and move out again. There is no way I would continue in a never ending cycle of addiction and being dragged back into the enabling drama.