First Blog
Never blogged before but I can't stop thinking about our situation and so maybe this will help? Here is the fam: SS38, wife and 3 kids, DS 35 married, SS 27, DD24. DH lost his middle son 5 years ago at 26 due to misdiagnosis. So, we have been through the very sad loss of one SS. DH lost his dad 10 years ago and this year his mother passed away. Thanksgiving now has drama.
MIL owned a wooded farm that oldest SS wanted when she passed. She did not Will it to him because she has 4 children that all have children and it wouldn't be fair to give it to one grandson. DH was going to give SS his share and one brother thought he may split it with him but SS didn't want anybody else on the deed. However, after the appraisal came back way higher than expected the estate had to sell it, the only way to be fair to the entire family. It sold for even more than the high appraisal.
SS is livid and has refused to attend the family Thanksgiving, says he might say something regrettable. He said he always thought he would get it and he would take his kids playing and hunting on it, also said the other family members have plenty of money and don't need the money anyway. This was to be in MIL honor this year because every year she had it at her house and the entire clan, kids, grandkids, and great grandkids came. MIL waited all year for this big famiy event. DH said all he asked after the funeral was that everyone try to come in for the first Thanksgiving without her. One son is holding it at his house in our area and her children are flying in, even my DD is flying in.
There is nothing I can do here and that is why I can't stop ruminating about it I guess. I'm afraid how hard this is on DH, holding it in, having to be with his family who will all know why SS isn't there. I try to talk and listen about it with DH without putting SS down too much because I know as a step parent criticizing the kids is a slippery slope. Now, I'm holding an unspoken grudge against SS and could care less about shopping for their Christmas, planning for seeing them, etc. DH is so soft-hearted that I'm afraid he is going to go the opposite and over compensate for this situation with lots of money and presents to make SS happy, ugh, which will further annoy me.
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Comments
Your SS is a selfish jerk and
Your SS is a selfish jerk and your DH should tell him that, in my opinion. He thought he'd get the entirety of the farm all to himself, no sharing with anyone else in the family? He's delusional. But I assume everyone has catered to his narcissistic tantrums before so he's pulling one again.
Yeah, nowhere is he even remotely under any law entitled to the
Estate under inheritance law, it goes to the deceased and their kids. Even if say ss dad had died, ss doesn't get his dads share, dads share is split amongst the other inheritors.
this is as crazy as my brother's batshit crazy high conflict wife claiming to my husband (yes she sent a nasty text) claiming i had no shame claiming my share of inheritance (as by common law) of my mothers estate and really i should get nothing because my brother is responsible for her happiness (aka shopping addiction).
i told my brother to rein in that wife of his and stop elevating her and their kids to inheritor status as they are irrelevant to the estate of our deceased mother.
ss is a entitled jerk!!
You all have emboldened me here!
The Capital One commercial where the call center employee says "Girl let go!" Welll here it is now! MIL did leave a check for each of the grandchildren. DH was proud and sentimental to give it to each one (she left my kids the same), and when DH handed him his he only said "what about her great grandchildren?" trying to be funny of course but it wasn't. He's all about the Christmas gifts, and he had a joint birthday party this year for him and his 11 year old daughter. He picked out his own gift from his wife and kids which was a giant lego set that probably cost more than his daughters gifts from them. They didn't come or even RSVP to my son's wedding, much less send a card or gift. Finally on Father's Day my DH called HIM, asked what he was doing and he said he'd probably run up to Cabela's. No, he didn't mention or stop by to see dad. It's all the truth and more, yet I still feel guilty voicing it. My kids have worse opinion of him because they DO have a narcissistic dad and DH has stepped in and filled that selfishness in their lives.
Poor, dear SS.... Now he's
Poor, dear SS.... Now he's going to have to work hard and buy his own farm. How awful for him.
Golden Child SS
Expected his siblings to all be left out of the will. He must think he is pretty golden.
Good for you in emotionally supporting your husband, and not bad-talking on SS - venting here is EXTREMELY helpful because you can say all the bad and negative you want!! And releasing that steam helps in keeping things peacefull in your marriage too as I have found.
Not only his siblings, but
Not only his siblings, but his father and his aunts/uncles/cousins, too! He's very special.
18 k
Super Golden. But he is also "more deserving because they have more money". He envisioned this life with his kids how sweet. And how alturistic. The market is REALY hot in my area, and when MIL passed, her house was immediately put up for sale. No one wanted to go in with each other, and no one complained that there were others that would get a piece of the pie.
Yes, no one else in the
Yes, no one else in the family had one quarrel over the house or dividing the contents, and that says a lot for them. I work in the courthouse and I see family fallouts over estates constantly. I never expected anything when my grandparents passed away, never crossed my mind that I should want or deserve something as a grandchild.
Right?
So special it doesn't occur to him that his father is experiencing grief due to yet another loss.
What a small and selfish person.
It's hard to watch stepkids
It's hard to watch stepkids hurt our partners. Support your DH all you can without getting involved in the drama yourself. Sounds like everyone knows SS is being a jerk, and that may or may not go unspoken among other family members.
My DH would try to overcompensate with gifts as well, in an attempt to try to buy SS's love back. Your DH won't recognize it as such. He just wants to DO something to make this magically go away. This would be completely unfair to the rest of DH's kids and they will very clearly get the message that selfish jerks get rewarded. You might need to gently point out the logic flaws of overcompensation.
The best thing your DH can do is express disappointment in his son's behavior and emphasize that the location of a family event, no matter the great memories associated with the location, is not nearly as important as the love of family experiencing the event. Your SS has it back-asswards.
DH is so soft-hearted that I
DH is so soft-hearted that I'm afraid he is going to go the opposite and over compensate for this situation with lots of money and presents to make SS happy
Jesus, I sure hope not, nobody needs to compensate SS for anything, he is a greedy little ass. If he is unhappy, it is his own doing. Giving him money and gifts to reward his bad behavior is just wrong.
Frankly, everyone should be glad he is not coming, he would no doubt cause drama.
Nobody has wronged him and nobody should be concerned about buying his love.