SD16 told my dh to choose stepmother or her
Hi all,
I've created a new post since my other post "SD16 making my dh choose between him or me" was over 100 responses-which I grately appreciate all of you responding. I dont have anyone in my life who deals with step issues that I can talk to. Anyway my post was about my sd16 whom I used to be very close to turn on me once her mom did, and once we got pregnant , giving my dh altimatums to choose who he loves more-so rediculous. Hes told her, and stood up for me that we dont plan on divorce and she needs to make it right with me. Well she's refused family counseling, states I ruined her life and im a manipulative narcissist-this is after she made up false claims to her therapist who then called cps 2 years ago(case closed). My dh was seeing her alone outside of the home without me as she didn't want to be around me. When he again brought up making amends she again flipped out. No respect towards me or her dad. She then went to my dhs dad , after 4 years of blocking him, ubblocked him and told him some crazy stories which he believes! Never bothered to ask us the adults. She has HF autism and uses it as an excuse. Shes apologized but then comes back with mean nasty things again.
Newest thing, 3 days ago sd14 now has bombarded him with a flood of messages how I have brainwashed him and even "grandpa thinks I'm a manipulator". Dhs dad has been visiting us and keeping in contact until recently. Clearly they got into his head. They are just mean and disrespectful both of them. Sd14 was actually fine with us until the last few days. She says they r moving 6 hours away and won't be saying goodbye.
Sd16 has been suspended multiple times for fighting and sd14 stopped going to school 5 years ago(homeschooling) for again, not getting along with other girls, luckily no fights. Theres been constant drama in their life with their stepdad they just moved away from 6 months ago and apparently lots of drama in school with sd16. They clearly have issues. We know they are still Children. My dh used to forward the messages sd16 would write to him and she would say it's ok shes just expressing herself. The hateful, namecalling bs has come to an end. We blocked them both.
I just started therapy today. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about how I've known them since they were 3&5. I treated them so well. I loved them so much. They were my world. Things were so great up until I had our 2 year old. I thought I was over the hurt but I'm not. My new counselor asked what I wanted out of his therapy sessions and I said I wsnt closure, I want to let go, I want to not be so angry about how these kids turned out that we have no control over. My dh has this way of suppressing his emotions. Hes hurt and upset but it seems he can carry on each day and not dwell on it like I do. I want to be mentally healthy for our own daughter. Sd14 also told my dh a few days ago they r moving 6 hours away since we are moving out of state". We arnt moving-we dont know where that came from but its nonstop, the lies the anger the nonstop hate mail. Im done! Like leave us alone!
My husband agrees. No more drama bull. If his dad wants to believe their stories so be it.
Thanks for listening.
Yeah, this is classic
Yeah, this is classic parental alienation. No one wins. The kids are destroyed emotionally and psychologically, your DH will be devastated, and you suffer, too. All because courts don't recognize when a personality disordered BM is psychologically abusing her kids to meet her needs.
Your DH should cut off all contact with BM and stop allowing his kids to abuse him this way. His father will find out the truth some day when they turn on him. All you can do is support your DH and take care of yourself. This won't resolve any time soon.
The most peace we had was when SS stopped speaking to DH and we no longer had to deal with him or BM.
Bm blocked my dh and I years
Bm blocked my dh and I years ago and my dh just blocked both daughters a few days ago. The nonstop mean messages have hopefully come to an end. Makes us both sad that its come to this but its necessary.
Yes. My DH never had to block
Yes. My DH never had to block SS or BM, but he might have if SS had been relentlessly nasty like that - he preferred ignoring as his weapon. Or should I say, BM's weapon.
He tried that for a while but
He tried that for a while but then it would just go on and on, and now its both of them! We dont even understand why so angry! Lack of control of their father? That he won't grovel and beg for their time like they want? They got rid of stepdad because he was such a "horrible" person so maybe I was next on their list?
No, I meant that SS ignored
No, I meant that SS ignored DH - but they are expressing BM's anger that your DH has moved on and had a child with someone else.
It's a shame when a bad
It's a shame when a bad stepkids relationship takes other relationships down with it. In laws are very prone to favoring and believing whatever the skid says. They're endless drama and if you value peace then it's a relief when they give an ultimatum that your DH doesn't give in to!
Mean manipulative skids think they have more power than they do. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses.
It is a shame. And even
It is a shame. And even though I was never close to my FIL , im still hurt. I haven't told that to my dh or anyone else. Im mostly hurt for my daughter. He didn't even acknowledge her birthday and last time we invited him to the park with us he was very short and said no. I haven't contacted him about visits in weeks but he has invited himself many times(we never minded) & he hasn't asked to see ours child at all. I love it when people get excited to see our daughter. Shes only 2. Luckily she doesn't know him yet but its just said to be sooo involved and then nothing.
They are not children. So
They are not children. So stop considering them as such. Regardless of their ages these are evil BM clones with no demonstrable redeeming qualities. 14 and 16 is far past old enough to know that this is all evil lying bullshit that they are perpetrating. They know exactly what they are purposely doing. Make them own it.
Your own young daughter must be completely protected from this Harpy cabal and their naive GrandPa care taker.
When they are no longer recognized as children and are seen with clarity as the nasty evil toxic spawn of BM Satan they are, I believe that you will find it much less difficult to completely write them off.
Time to stay on message and flood any bullshit with the facts by calling them all out rubbing their noses in the lying stench that they are.
You and your DH owe your young daughter a childhood and family free of that failed family genetic refuse.
Make it happen.
Thank you! I started therapy
Thank you! I started therapy yesterday because I loose so much sleep being angry questioning, why all the lies, why are they so bitter, why are they calling their grandparents now complaining how horrible I am and how brainwashed dad is? It enrages me. I need to be mentally healthy for ours daughter. My dh and I met 10 years ago and we have wanted this nuclear family for so long. We are happy but these spawns haunt my brain and upset me.
They are now blocked-we had to do this because it got to the point where our evenings would be destroyed. My dh would be mad, im all stressed out and then in return our 2 year old can feel it. Its not healthy. He told them when they are ready to be kind and respectful we will unblock. Im more than sure the hate will continue for years.
Why Vs What
The why of evil manipulative crap from others in our blended family world is a never ending rabbit hole. That is why I don't care about the why. My only concern is the what.
What they do I deal with. Why they do it I gave no thought to at all. If they are reasonable I address them reasonably. If they are toxic, I deliver consequences and ensure that they suffer the most painful state of abject misery I can deliver while smacking them with the facts that counter their willful delusions.
Toxic people choose the consequences. I deliver the consequences and lose no sleep over it. They can cry and gnash their teeth over it all they choose but they have no choice but to suffer the consequences of their actions. Facts and zero tolerance are the tools I have employed successfully for more than 2.5 decades to keep the toxic blended family opposition in their place and suffering in accordance to their crap.
Our kid is not saddled with the toxic crap from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool because he has his mom and I in his corner and he is fully aware of the facts that counter their lies and manipulation.
Why does not matter . Don't waste you peace of mind on it. Address the what. Address the behaviors. Give yourself some peace.
IMHO of course.
Well said Rags!
Well said Rags!
focus on making sure your
focus on making sure your little one has a good and happy childhood. that should be your focus. good on you for beginning counselling. you're on the right path. stay strong.
Good for you!
is your DH also starting therapy? to help address his emotions in all this?
How did it go with the BM and her contacting you?
Rags, he is good with hardlining on these people who like to spew their emotional vomit on those around them. The "children" definitely know better than to do what they are doing. So write them off as lost and gone.
YOU need to be happy and solid for your bio. They need to go live their lives.
I totally agree. They have
I totally agree. They have been so aweful to both my dh and I. Lying constantly. Making me out to be this aweful person because I don't hand over ours child to them without me there like they want. Nothing is realistic.
But why am I still so hurt? Why do I care and dwell on the past when it was so good? Why is there apart of me that has this lingering hope KNOWING its their way or the highway?
This is why I started therapy. I want to get past all those thoughts and focus on ours child and dh.
Talking it out
Will DEFINITELY help you. Im 4-almost-5 years on Steptalk and 8 years in this stepgame. Ive got 2 SDs (if you read my blogs, you might understand more about steplife and why its hard to disengage) and we are no contact with SD22 Feral Forger. SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin is on/off depending on if shes getting her way. Typically she gets her way. Shes generally kind and respectful towards me. But if she turned on me today, and back when she turned on me to get rid of me because of her phone and her failing classes - that was a punch in the gut emotionally speaking.
I had to grieve the relationship that I knew we had. I had to grieve the relationship that I thought we had. I had TRUSTED in it. INVESTED in it. BELIEVED in it. And it all came crashing down on my head. So - I understand that its hard to let go of that vision you had in your head.
I wish my husband would do
I wish my husband would do therapy.
"I told the girls I would
"I told the girls I would stay neutral"
My mother in law told my dh. They are now contacting grandma trying to get her to pick sides? Wtf?? I'm so done.
UPDATE:
UPDATE:
I started my first real therapy session today. I had no idea id cry the whole session. He really brought out my sadness and pain as this is all we talked about. I never cry. Maybe this was therapeutic? Do you think? Maybe its a place where I need to release everything since my dh is a huge avoider?
I think I hurt so much because I did alot for the stepkids from ages 4-12. I was so involved. They were so happy. Now they are spiteful mean angry teenagers. Its almost like a death, going through the loss of them.
It is absolutely therapeutic.
It is absolutely therapeutic. Grieving a loss is important and a divorce, toxic Skid, friend who leaves, etc... is a loss. Work through the grief cycle while establishing your standards for behavior and performance you will hold all of these people to.
My man brain has long held that the whole blended family thing is far from rocket science and entirely manageable if we recognize that we are absolutely in full control of what we will and will not tolerate from the "others" in our blended family equation.
Set the boundary/standard, enforce the boundary/standard, bring the pain for failing to remain compliant to the boundary/standard.
When they bitch, moan, whinge, cry, etc.... remind them that they chose the consequence when they chose to violate that boundary/standard.
:"If you don't like the results, why did you choose these results?"
Lather............. rinse................... repeat.
Stay on message/script/plan, etc....
Keep it simple. Filter the feefees out of it. Stick to the fact that they choose the consequence when they choose to violate the standard.
And..... absolutely take advantage of therapy. It was a huge help for me in regaining contact with the person I enjoy being during the divorce from my adulterous XW. We went together weekly for ~5mos until she walked out of session with "I don't have a problem with sex" when we finally got the intimacy issues in the marriage. I continued to see the therapist for 4 more months weekly for individual 1:1 sessions. Doc is a rock star. I have touched base with her periodically for the 30+ years since my last session.
In my experience the therapy process may not include a lot of advice. It is more of a guided Q&A process. At least that was the case for me. If my 30+ year old memories are accurate.