SD18 likely has bipolar, and I want to help
Hi,
My SD18 is a smart, kind, if not somewhat sheltered kid. I can relate to her a lot because her mom and her don't get along, and she is the black sheep of the family because she calls them out on their BS. (Been there, done that with my own mom.) I've watched her go from a bold, risk-taking preteen who followed her own drummer, to a shy. socially awkward teenager who is afraid of the world and goes to online school because she had panic attacks at her last school.. I am not sure what happened to her natural adventuresomeness, other than her mom and her mom's family were very critical of her, and always told her that she would not make it in life because she didn't fit in. I think she must have believed them, even though her dad and I took many hours out of our days with her, to talk her down when she was upset, and reassure her that she is going to be just fine and that we are here to help her achieve her goals.
My question is this, how do I help her? Her dad and I think she has bipolar (manic episodes and depression - like her Dad.) He takes medication and handles his moods very well, but it took him many years because he didn't have the family support that SD18 has from us. He is afraid she will be labeled by doctors and it will hold her back in her career, etc. So, he doesn't say anything when she asks "what is wrong with me?" She sees a therapist occasionally, but her mom doesn't force the issue and often forgets to take her to her appts. She is with her mom 80% of the time. She took medication for depression for awhile, but it was a battle to get her to take her meds, because her mom labeled her as "fixed" once she got the prescription, so every time she argued with her mom, her mom would tell her to "go take a pill." In SD18's mind, pills mean you are crazy, so she refused to take them anymore. She has labeled herself as ADHD, although she can't take ritalin because it doesn't work on her. (A clue that she is not ADHD/ADD maybe?" )
She often calls her dad at 8 pm and is super upset, and he talks her down. I just wish he would insist on more therapy and letting her know what might be going on, and that its not insurmountable. He is afraid she is too emotionally fragile to accept a diagnosis right now. She is also very stubborn about trying new things. She is still unable to get her driver license because driving scares her so much. Any ideas on how i can help her Dad be more involved in her mental health? He kind of waits until there is a crisis and then swoops in and bales her out. I want her to learn now to solve her own problems. This is an issue that her sister has too, with not being able to problem solve because Dad is always there to do it for her.
She is ostensibly an adult.
She is ostensibly an adult. As an "adult" there really is not much you or DH can do but advise and guide. As for avoiding an official Dx because she is too "fragile" to accept it.... Better to put her mental health in her own hands with direct and assertive guidance than avoid it over a concern.
My BFF's eldest (mid to late 30s) knows fully what his issues are but refuses to remain on his meds. It breaks his parent's hearts but there is nothing they can do. He is a vagabond that meanders around Latin America living on beaches, etc, etc, etc.... Every time the phone rings, they cringe over the not unlikely possibility that it is a notification of his demise.
Another BFF of mine was Dx'd as a Schizophrinic in his early to mid 20s. His parents were extremely active in his care and support. Due to the risk to their financial security, the danger to himself, and to others that he represented they initiated having him made a ward of the State which he has been for more than 30 years. He is alive, healthy, and supported. Because his parents acted aggressively in getting him treatment, medicated, and governed by the State, they were able to protect him effectively.
Rather than delay, I recommend and bias for action. When he goes off of his meds and becomes a danger, to himself or others, his parents make a call and he gets picked up, institutionalized, medicated, and eventually has another extended period of relative stability and quality of life.
IMHO the sooner you can get her medicated and make her responsible for her own care, treatment, and outcomes, the better chance you all will have of a positive result.
In my concerned layman's opinion of course.
Your DH is doing her a disservice by not being honest.
Your DH is doing her a huge disservice by not being honest with her. Bipolar can be hereditary - since he has it and she is showing symptoms, there is a good chance she has it as well. Why would he be worried about her being "labeled?" If she has bipolar, then she needs to deal with it. What will hold her back in her career is trying to go through life with untreated bipolar. If she is in such a fragile emotional state that he doesn't think she can deal with the diagnosis - then she obviously needs help.
And she needs the right kind of help. If she is bipolar - and she is taking an antidepressant, there is a chance it could shift her to a manic phase. She needs to be treated for bipolar, not depression. A good psychiatrist will be able to help her figure out what is wrong and how to make it better. Generally speaking, a combination of talk therapy and meds is the most helpful. Something your DH has already discovered for himself. Personal experience tells me the quicker she begins to deal with this the better off she will be.
Came to say all of this. He's
Came to say all of this. He's not helping by "protecting" her from "being labeled", and his logic makes no sense. Too fragile for therapy? He needs to tell her about his diagnosis and urge her to see a psychiatrist. The sooner she gets care, the better her prognosis.
" So, he doesn't say anything
" So, he doesn't say anything when she asks "what is wrong with me?""
This is heartbreaking. She is opening up the conversation and being snubbed. she knows that something isn't quite right and she turns to her father for help and possible enlightenment and he just sits there like a lump. Please tell your cowardly husband how incredibly cruel it is and how much damage he is causing by pretending that everything is fine when, clearly, it is not. The sooner she gets help, the better.