Regression (UPDATE)
So, I thought that DH and I were making progress. But I feel like as soon as I let up, things just go back to where they were before. So it's like I have to have endless energy to call DH on his BS.
One of the issues we were having was that DH would just leave and not say where he was going, and be gone all day. No, I do not need to know his whereabouts at all times, but he just leaves and doesn't say anything, leaving me to wonder if he is going to be gone for an hour or for the entire day. The worst part of it is that I have to get triangulated info from the skids about where he is and where he has gone. The other issue with this is that he has two large dogs that I am left to care for for an indefinite period of time. Also, one of the skids is away from the house and needs a ride home, while the other is at the house with me and I have to stop what I'm doing to make sure she is fed, content, entertained, etc.
Worst part of all of it is that we had talked about all of this in therapy before (because it was identified as an issue) and I felt we were making headway. But now that I haven't brought it up, my husband goes back to this behavior. It's like he can "get it together, but can't keep it together".
So yesterday, he leaves, doesn't say anything to me, just walks past me and out of the house. He left at noon, and got back at 9:30pm. Oldest skid had already ubered home and was hungry of course.
To me, this is just a total abdication of parental and spousal roles, and irresponsible. It's like, let me take a vacation from all of my responsibilities, including that of communication with my partner. Pisses me off.
The End.
UPDATE: Tonight we went to the marriage counselor and she basically made me feel like I was totally off base for wanting my husband to let me know where he was going and what time he'd be back. She said that it was controlling behavior. It just made me super pissed off. Then that gives my husband extra ammunition to call me crazy and an asshole (which he did).
I think I need a divorce.
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Comments
Why are you still with this man?
Why are you still with this man? I think you have deleted some of your blogs, but I don't think he has ever treated you like you deserve to be treated. Roomates treat each other with more courtesy and respect than he does you.
The next time he leaves without notice, put the dogs outside with food and water and drop the kids off at BM's. Then go check in to a hotel and don't come back until Monday morning. The only way you might get through to him is to something completely shocking.
I actually did…
I did this one weekend. It helped for a bit, but I honestly don't have the time or resources to keep doing this.
The only shocking thing that will get him together is
Filing for divorce. But I don't even think that will force him to look at the problem here, which is himself.
Why can't the skids feed
Why can't the skids feed themselves?
They Can…
They can. I have to confess I actually feel bad when they are here with no food. Plus they do destructive things when both their dad and I are gone (I..e. metal objects thrown in the garbage disposal, glasses broken). I am really a prime doormat candidate if I don't remain vigilant.
What the hell? That would be
What the hell? That would be a total deal breaker for me. What keeps you hanging on to this situation?
Also - where does he go?
Do you think he's having an
Do you think he's having an affair?
Just wondering.....
Nope
Which is why I think he believes his behavior is totally benign. He thinks if all he is doing is going and hanging out with his friends all day, then he doesn't have to communicate with anyone or take care of anything.
What makes it so ridiculous is when I go out of town or go out, he refers to it as me "acting single" (I have no bio kids, and I also tell him what I'm doing, and usually make sure he has meals). So I make sure to throw that back in his face whenever he does something like he did yesterday. But it's all getting old because I'm not his mom, and I don't like to stand at the door and chastise a effing adult about this stuff. It just exhausts me. It's like he married me to be a house mother.
He doesn't tell you where he
He doesn't tell you where he is so you can't roll up with the kids and dump them on him. Can you track his phone and actually do that? And drive off?
Not sure…
Love, maybe? I don't know. I have been on the verge of leaving before. We were on the upswing, I thought, and things were getting better. In times like this though, I just look back on the good times as him BUYING time, since his natural tendency is not to treat me as a partner but as a doormat.
Yesterday he was at his friend's beach house goofing off all day and night. Typical teenage stuff.
I can't imagine being married
I can't imagine being married to a guy who thinks it's just fine to take off to hang out with his friends, without telling me and leaving me to care for his kids. I'd be all over DH if he did that one time, much less multiple times. It's really irresponsible, narcissistic, and just downright weird. Why does he think it's okay to do?
I guess, to be honest - you are being a doormat here, that's why he treats you like one. I honestly don't know if we'd still be married if DH did something like that more than once. (And even once would have me really questioning my marriage).
I get it…
It's true that you really do teach people how to treat you. And I have taught him that this is okay, by acting like the house mom who just sits here and lets him do whatever.
I have reached the point where I do think that I have to leave him in order to have the life that I want. But the question is will I.
Well only you can answer that
I'm not trying to be rude but you sound so unsure of yourself like you have low self esteem. You let him know he's not to leave like this again or you'll be dropping of his kids with their mother. Then do it. And therapy for yourself you can see you deserved a real man. Be blessed you have no kids together. I'd leave if I had no kids with this person.
Yeah…
It probably does sound like I have low self esteem. I don't, I just care about my husband an our relationship the same amount he is supposed to care about me. Letting him know that he shouldn't leave again is something I've done, but the instead of doing an ultimatum (I come from a stance of don't give an ultimatum unless you're ready to leave), I tried to discuss it and we went to therapy about it. After it seemed like he understood and changes felt they were underway, they have now gone back to the way they were (which is why I entitled this post "Regression"). So, basically here we go again.
He does just enough to
He does just enough to satisfy you and for you to "stand down" but knows that he can eventually go back to doing what he wants.
Honestly, he shouldn't have to be forced to show you some consideration and to be responsible for his own kids.
I would be worried that my DH were dead if he left without a word and I didn't hear from him for 10 hours. I can't even imagine being so rude to someone I claim to love.
I wouldn't give him an
I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I'd be right out the door behind him & spend the day/night at my BFF. No call, no kids, no nothing & let him dare say something.
Oh my God, this is completely
Oh my God, this is completely unacceptable, for more than one reason.
He is rude, selfish, and irresponsible. You are not responsible for his dogs OR his kids.
He has absolutely no respect or consideration for you.
I'd rather be alone than be with this jerk.
Oh, and looking at your other post, he's a gaslighter, too. Great.
I've come to realise that
I've come to realise that everyone is different, we all have different things we think are dealbreakers, different tolerance levels. Some people are involved with their SK's & some are hardcore disengaged. Some people are okay with being 'friendly' with BM & most people refuse to have anything to with her. Honestly though, is anybody okay with this behaviour, I can't even understand. What excuse does he give you when you ask him what the hell he was thinking? Blows my mind!
My SO & I do a lot of things seperately, sometimes it's circumstantial (he works long hours) & some by choice (different interests ) so we don't live in each others pockets but we always check in with each other & he never expects me to deal with his kids while he's off pretending to be in college. Seeing progress & then seeing regression is hard - I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Wtf.
Wtf.
He's acting as if he is
He's acting as if he is single with no partner and no children. Leaving and not indicating either where you are going or when you will be back is unacceptable if you are living together as significant others or married (1st or 2nd or...).
There's no acceptable reason for his behavior. There's no acceptable reason for treating your partner like the live in hired help with benefits. There's no acceptable reason for his ignoring his children.
I'd be tempted to get up early next weekend and leave before he does -- not say a word, just leave. Be the first one out the door, Return when iI felt like it -- one hour, two, or twelve. My choice.
OP, Unless you do something
OP, Unless you do something different in response to this behavior, it's going to continue. Just telling him it's not okay for the 20th time won't do it. Drop the skids at BM's, call the dog sitter, and don't be there when gets back. Also don't let him know where you are or return his calls for a few days so he can see how it feels. Take the dogs with you if that's the only option.
What he's doing is so selfish and disrespectful that it blows my mind. I can't believe you aren't more angry about this.
No. F'n. Way. Should this be
No. F'n. Way. Should this be tolerated. None. This is horrible and I'm sorry you are being treated this way. Nothing about this is ok.