Should alarm bells be ringing?
I have been with my partner for nearly a year and we are talking about moving in together. He has 50:50 custody of two sons (7 and 11) and I have a daughter and a son (13 and 9). In general I get on great with his kids, however in the last couple of months I've noticed a significant shift towards him pushing all the 'hard parenting' tasks onto me. I'm a gentle parent but I have expectations of my two - treat everyone with respect, eat the food you're given, show manners, helps around the house, get on with your work without being nagged. I also live mostly device free. His two eat endless junk and are rude about the food they're cooked (kid friendly food), have up to eight hours a day on their devices and cannot sit at a table to eat. They're actually lovely boys but have been given no boundaries by either parent and have constant excuses made for them. I am now spending more time caring for all the kids by myself and have established that I have rules of listening, respect, and effort, as well as no violence towards each other (they're very rough and end up hurting each other - again, lots of excuses made). My partner stands back and observes me enforcing these rules but won't do anything to help. He is frightened of being unpopular with them and is quite child like himself in many ways. If they refuse to eat dinner, he feeds them junk after so they're not hungry. He says he knows they need stronger boundaries and makes big pronouncements about what he's going to do, but quickly forgets. I love the boys and they're becoming increasingly attached but I feel like I'm being forced into the role of having to be the only adult in the entire family. I'm not prepared to bring my own kids up in his style and it's not fair to them to watch the other two get their own way all the time so I'm increasingly doubtful about living together. He's said more than once he's so happy I'm around to handle this stuff and that he supports my approach but I don't actually want the job he's giving me. He should be doing his own parenting, not handing it off to me. I'm tired, frustrated and increasingly resentful. What can I do?
Please don't move in together
Please don't move in together. It sounds like you have an amazing grip on your own kids. Obviously, he doesn't have the same parenting values and principles as you. Not only that, but the expectation is that you do the heavy lifting for his kids as well? No thanks. Find a partner that is on board with your parenting values. You will be doing yourself (and your kids) a HUGE favor.
Don't do it. You don't like
Don't do it. You don't like the situation now, imagine how much worse it will be if you have to actually live with them. Nope. Not a good idea. And stop doing anything for his kids. He likes how you handle things? Well, he's observed what you're doing for long enough to be able to replicate it. Keep your kids away from his - either they're going to pick up the bad habits or they're going to resent the way the other two live. If you want to keep seeing him then do it from your own home and do it between adults - no families involved. Either that or drop him like a hot brick.
Move in and you'll be doing it ALL (and probably hear "well, you knew what they wre like before you moved in") and he'll be sitting on his bum and living the life of Riley now that he's acquired a new maid/chef/nanny/shopper/driver/etc for free! AND she'll even have sex with him! WHAT a bargain, eh?
Do not move in together.
Do not move in together.
I agree with Dogmom, if you are going to be with someone who also has kids, it needs to be someone who's parenting values align with yours. Especially, if you are going to make a commitment and live together.
I know, I know, "But we get along great in every other way." We hear that a lot and it never seems to make up for the bad parenting and the foisting of responsibilities onto the partner. Unless you have had the discussion and you agreed to parent his kids, he is disrespecting you by expecting you to do so and just standing back, watching. Not really an attractive trait in a partner.
Who he is as a parent reflects a lot on who he is as a partner. You are already seeing that, he is already expecting you to step into the parenting role for his kids and you don't even live together, yet. By the way, why are you spending more time caring for ALL of the kids by yourself, when you don't live together? His kids are HIS responsibility, not yours. Stop. You are allowing yourself to be used.
He is frightened of being unpopular with them and is quite child like himself in many ways
Yes, alarm bells should be ringing. This is what the dating period is for, getting to know the person. A year is not a long time and you are already seeing some things that are red flags.
People who parent out of guilt or fear rarely change their parenting, they are too afraid. His kids are young, now, but as they get older it will be a lot more than junk food and screen time and it will continue well into adulthood. It will greatly affect you, your kids, your finances, and your relationship.
*he'll be sitting on his bum
*he'll be sitting on his bum and living the life of Riley now that he's acquired a new maid/chef/nanny/shopper/driver/etc for free! AND she'll even have sex with him! WHAT a bargain, eh?*
I have to say a burst out into (rather hollow) laughter when I read this because that's what I'm afraid will happen. I feel like I've acquired a whole bunch of extra people to take care of, including him. For clarity, he is a very loving father, but seems to be carrying a whole bunch of baggage from him own childhood around lack of parenting and does not want his children to have any feeling of being unloved or rejected. In fact he seems averse to them having any sort of negative emotion at all and he extends that privilege to himself also. They are loving and lovable kids who actually react well to me putting boundaries in place - for the most part - but it's a battle I don't want to fight, especially on my own. As they get older it can only wreck my relationship with them to be the Evil Enforcer Of Rules while circus dad stands by making sympathy eyes. It's just very upsetting because there is so much that is good about him and the relationship. At the end of the day though, my own children (and I) have to take priority if the situation doesn't change. Just not sure how hardline I can go with saying: this is not ok.
By the way, why are you
By the way, why are you spending more time caring for ALL of the kids by yourself, when you don't live together? His kids are HIS responsibility, not yours. Stop. You are allowing yourself to be used.
I made an offer to help out for a couple of mornings a week while schools are shut. However the situation seems to be stretching out and it's quite stressful.
So, he has no problem taking
So, he has no problem taking advantage.
I feel that the longer that you are with him and the more you get to know him, there will be many more red flags and it will be harder for you to cut ties.
seems to be carrying a whole bunch of baggage from him own childhood around lack of parenting and does not want his children to have any feeling of being unloved or rejected. In fact he seems averse to them having any sort of negative emotion at all and he extends that privilege to himself also.
This cements the fact that he won't ever do anything differently. Not as far as his kids are concerned OR YOU. Anything that he doesn't want to deal with, because it may have a negative emotion, he is going to put on you.
Argh, I know, it just drives
Argh, I know, it just drives me crazy because the issue could be fixed so easily if he took a stronger stance. As a parent, I genuinely don't care if my kids have moments of resenting me and not liking me. It's not my job to be their best friend, it's my job to raise them to be good humans that function well in society. I just don't get why he's not operating on the same principle.
For him, it's NOT an easy fix
For him, it's NOT an easy fix, and that's the problem. It seems like it should be but in his brain, it's just not. That fear of not being liked is just too great. Not to mention, the baggage of how his parents parented (or rather, didn't). Also, he avoids negative emotions, himself, so... No, he is not going to chance any negative emotion that will come from him actually parenting. Not for his kids, not for himself.
I once watched an episode of Hoarders. To me, it's common sense to not live like that. Easy fix, get rid of all of the crap. But there is something in their brain that is not letting them let go of all of this stuff. Even when they get help getting it cleaned up, most go back to living in a nightmare. It's their comfort zone (for reasons we can't understand). The fear of letting go of the stuff is greater than the negative impact of hoarding. They choose what causes them the least emotional discomfort.
A lot of step parents stay in a situation way too long because they do feel like it's something that can change and they should just give it time. Read around this site and you will see that IT DOES NOT CHANGE.
Not only does the partner who parents start to resent the non-parenting partner, the opposite also happens. The non-parenting partner resents the success of the parented kids. It really is a bigger issue than just badly behaved kids.
Exactly! I have the same
Exactly! I have the same rules and expectations. Disney Dads are so common because they parent out of guilt, not what is best for the child. These parents value immediate happiness over longterm healthy habits. Disney Dads are scared of upsetting their children because "they won't want to come over anymore." IMO, so many COD wind up with a handful of issues that could have been prevented... all from solid & consistent parenting.
Welcome to the site!
He needs to stop being scared of his kids and parent them properly. Unless and until he does, pls do not think of moving in together because it will get worse, not better, after you do. Don't make yourself uncomfortable in order to make him (or anyone) comfortable. This might be the biggest lesson I have learned in my life - and I am in my 7th decade.
He is doing his kids a great
He is doing his kids a great disservice by keeping all negative emotions away from them. It's all about contrasts... How can you truly appreciate a great experience if your scale of emotions have only registered the positive ones. Contrast gives depth and dimension. When painting, how do you make a very white reflection stand out? By underlining or surrounding it with a thin edge of black...
In other words, he is stunting their emotional development. When will they know when they're having fun? HOW will they know when they're having fun?
Good for you for hearing the
Good for you for hearing the alarm bells that are indeed ringing.
There is no way this situation can work with you being the parent and him getting to be the Fun Uncle who doesn't ever discipline or say no. His kids may love you now at 7 and 11, but I promise they will NOT love you at 13 and 17, when you are the big meanie who makes them give up their phone at night, go to school, not have sex with their GF in their bedroom, etc. You aren't mom and can't take over as parent in his home. And chances are very good he will undermine you, and their mother will too, when they complain to her about Evil Stepmom.
I would not move in with him unless he's willing to address his belief that parenting kids = abusing them and making them feel rejected. He's doing them a huge disservice and you deserve better as well. Find a man who can parent his own kids and isn't looking for a replacement mom.
Thanks for your input
Thanks for your input everyone. I wasn't sure if I had unreasonable expectations so it's helpful to be validated. Looks like there are some tough conversations coming up.
And you want this idiot
And you want this idiot parent and his shallow and polluted gene pool around your own children why?
smh
Rags, there seems to be a lot
Rags, there seems to be a lot of anger in your response, especially against a couple of young kids who you don't know and are basically just displaying the result of their upbringing so far. I'm not sure why that its. But to answer your question; I don't think you can black and white condemn anyone - kid or adult -- as being an diot or bad person because they struggle with implementing boundaries or healthy responses. You can recognise that and choose to walk away from it, sure. And I may have to. But this is not a bad person; it is a man who loves his kids but is not making great choices around parenting them. And they are not bad kids; they just haven't been shown a better way to behave in certain scenarios. There are many positive aspects to our time together too. I hope that you can resolve whatever has happened to make you feel this way.
No anger. I focus on
No anger. I focus on behavior. I really do not care about the why of inappropriate behavior, I care about the behavior and the behavior alone. If it is respectful and meets reasonable expectations, I have no issue with the kid or the parent...If not.... well..... I question why anyone would tolerate that crap in their mate and their mate's failed family progeny. I am not a why guy when it comes to behavior, I'm a what guy.
I do not know these kids, but... if they are ill behaved, that is all I need to know about them. If they are well behaved, that too is all I need to know about them.
Kids are the product of the parenting they receive. Hense.... my references.
As for issues that I have to resolve, certainly the list is notable. Though parenting and recognizing the ill behaved products of crappy parents isn't one of them.
Parents love their kids. That is nearly a universal given. That does not mean that loved ill behaved spawn should be tolerated, nor does it mean that that parent, regardless of how loving, is worth a crap as a parent. These parents and their ill behaved kids do not have to behave as they do. They can make better choices. If they do, great. If they don't they should not be tolerated.
Just my thoughts of course.
Hi
I would like to know pls for my own clarity what does good parenting looks like in a step sit?
When they visit, what are the expectations of both the kid/s and parent? How should they spend their time like...?
I ask because, I wonder, if maybe we have unrealistic views of how things should unfold.
Visiting kids integrate into
Visiting kids integrate into the resident family and comply with the standards for behavior and performance. No differently that any other kid in the blended family.
Parents parent. Each kid needs what they need from a parent. However, visits cannot be all and only about the visitation kid. That said, some 1:1 time between the bio-parent and the visitation kid can and should happen occasionally.