Babysitting stepgrandkids
I've been with DH for eight years now, he was 12 years divorced when we met. He has 3 adult kids, I have 2. Mine live far away, his live locally. I have 2 grandkids whom I have only seen twice, and then because of the pandemic have not seen them since August 2019. I miss them terribly, and perhaps this is at the root of my problem.
SD27 just gave birth to DH's first grandchild (now 6 months). She is a fairly reasonable person, by SK standards anyway, and has been very busy with a career. Motherhood has hit her like a ton of unexpected bricks- she was an international-level athlete and now barely has the energy to get dressed. I feel sympathy for her, but am not interested in becoming part of her care team. I have my own life by choice and did not get into this to babysit step kids' babes. She brings the baby around to visit and after a hour I'm glad to see her off. I looked after babe for many hours during her recent wedding and that was exhausting. I'm not a natural nurturing type.
I guess that's where the problem lies -- she is keen to get back to work and had nursery arranged at her place of work even before the baby was born. Now that she's returning to work she is gunning to have her mother babysit a day a week (a very competitive dragon who does not speak with DH, but loves to 'suggest' to SD how he can be used). I found out this morning that DH has told SD that I am planning to retire in the coming year and that I'd probably be thrilled to help (youch!)
I immediately told him that ain't going to happen. Not my circus. Not interested in being a popular step grandma. He said OK then he'll take a day a week off from his business (sole proprietorship) to do it.
My question: why do men assume that women all just want to babysit kids, even ones they have no relation to. I know some may see me as selfish, but I'm convinced this SD should simply make her own arrangements with professionals and be glad we sometimes would volunteer to help. I've worked full time for 45 years and am looking forward to the freedom, not to being a slave to the adult skids.
I don't understand why your
I don't understand why your DuH needs to take time off of work to babysit when she has the possibility of child care at her work. There are many parents who would kill for that! Just imagine being able to pop in on your little one during the day rather than worrying what's happening to them at home.
I hope you don't feel bad about not sitting for them. Their children are their responsibility, not yours. When my niece (first grandchild on both sides) was born, my brother and his wife told (he had either lost his mind or had forgotten who he was talking to) my mother that she'd be babysitting on Saturday afternoons. She was 50, worked full time, had a very busy life and she, umm, went nuclear on them. Told them that if they occasionally needed a sitter, they could ask but not to expect a positive answer every time. She'd do it if she felt like it.
He's got guilty Dad syndrome
He's got guilty Dad syndrome and likely volunteered to provide the care. SD makes a higher salary than either of us so it's not like she can't afford nursery. Even though he denies it, I maintain that he is stuck in a cycle of competing with his dragon ex for popularity with the skids. Truth be told, he doesn't need to do that. Besides he knows absolutely nothing about baby care and I would be hesitant to leave him all day. He already talks about how he "can't handle it" when they cry.
my concern at the moment is that I've just taken two weeks holiday because I was so stressed at work. The last thing I need is to think about having to spend long hours with a baby. Of course a six month old is lovely but this one's used to a lot of attention and is a heavy lift. Just not eager to help and resent him volunteering me.
Firstly, if he's so clueless
Firstly, if he's so clueless about baby care, let him sink... When he's out of his depth, he'll call for help. Make sure your phone is switched OFF. This is his problem to solve.
Secondly, he doesn't babysit in your home. Ensure this by pointing out that the baby's home is baby proofed and has everything necessary on site whereas yours is neither. Extra points if you work from home and cannot deal with the noise and movement.
I agree
Make your boundaries clear. Then, if he wishes to sit weekly at SD's home, more power to him. It wont last.without you there.
My DH83 has the fantasy that I babysat our 9 grandkids often. I didn't, I worked full time. I think men fantasize that their beloved wives are also stars in the grandma department. I wasnt, I was average or below because I was working.
sign him up for the Red Cross
sign him up for the Red Cross babysitting class and tell him to enjoy his grandpa days.
You are not expected to
You are not expected to babysit..... This is not selfish... They should rely on BM if she wants to help!!! Grandparents regardless if biological or step are not regular sitters!!! For an emergency maybe but why is it being expected??? As a couple, regardless you need to focus on you! Travel enjoy being kidless.... A work day is a long time and you no lomger have the patience nor energy. Travel enjoy life!
If my DH "volunteered" me to
If my DH "volunteered" me to do babysitting duties, he and I would be having a very serious come-to-Jesus meeting to discuss in what Universe he supposed that this would be OK - certainly not mine. In your place I'd make it exceptionally clear that this is not, and never will be, on the cards, so don't ask again!
Ordered to babysit GSKIDS
I was Ordered to babysit GSKIDS
Ordered by whom?
Ordered by whom?
Most figure this out before they have kids.......
I am not sure why the baby is already here and she has no idea where the baby is going while she works.
These are the types of conversations DH should have with you first. Maybe she should make arrangements to stay home and raise her own child. If her income is vital to her household she should have had a plan. I know most people interview daycares before they even get pregnant. Sounds like she may have been planning this.
In the original post I did
In the original post I did say she had a nursery arranged next to her place of work. However, I believe this latest move is an attempt to save money by only using it part time, and the part involving DH and I doing a day per week is a direct result of BM suggesting it. They have been wrapped up in a competition be be the most popular parent since SD was six (when they divorced). DH completely denies this, but repeated behaviour on his part - like giving SD everything she wants- makes me think the only way to handle this is to step aside so it is clear to her that I am not interested in being used. BM has a long track record of entitled dragon behaviour toward the world in general and it is likely that SD has absorbed some of that attitude.
In other words ...
Your DuH is going to lose money so she can save some.
hahah, let them foolishly
hahah, let them foolishly 'compete'. You know in your gut that this is what its all about, so dont let him manipulate you into thinkig you should be providing anything for this baby. It just never stops does it?!
I would be upset too
WtH is he thinking 'volunteering' you? You earned your retirement, enjoy it as you wish. And not many older people want to babysit full time. SD should make her own arrangements.
Wow, what is with them and
Wow, what is with them and assuming you'd provide care? I know several retired grandparents that provide childcare and it is like they are not retired. It's more work than the job they retired from. They save their kids over $10k a year in expense and get nothing but put upon for it. It's a cruel thing to do to someone on a fixed income who feels like they can't say no.
Hold your ground. Childcare is a lot of work. No grandparent should be obligated into it if they don't want to for whatever reason. And especially not a stepgrandparent!
Enjoy your retirement and do whatever you choose with your time! You earned it.
DH has three kids
He must know about childcare.
Maybe you can work another Six months to let this play out. You are not SD babysitter. Let DH take a day off a week and play GP.
This is one of my biggest
This is one of my biggest fears when i think about a possible future with SO. He has been raising his 4 kids and several of each of his brothers' kids on and off because the brothers and all 6 BMs between them apparently hate to be around their own children. At some point all these kids will start reproducing.
My SIL (DW's youngest sib)
My SIL (DW's youngest sib) and her DH do not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. So.... they used his mother as their day care. That alcoholic bat shit crazy GrandHag fucked their kids up so badly that I cannot stand to be around them. My SIL and her DH knew it was happening and still kept dumping their kids off on his mother.
Now, their two kids are so damaged they are not functional at the age capabilities they should be at.
I think you should find a job
I think you should find a job 2here your bios live abd move there.
DH should go to SD's house
DH should go to SD's house for babysitting. If he brings the baby to your home, please make sure you are not home when DH s babysitting. He has no idea what he is getting into. I give it a month tops.
How dare your H volunteer you
How dare your H volunteer you without your permission?
Don't feel bad at all, for refusing to babysit.
You have earned your retirement, and the right to choose how you will spend it.
Further news on this
DH came home last night and announced that SD and her husband 'need to attend a wedding' next Saturday and that we've been asked to have baby at our place from 1:30pm to 'late' which where we live means near midnight. I just went calmly apeshit on him about how that not only a stupid selfish request on their part but something I want no part in.
Since I had been thinking about all this already, I shot back that I'd booked a spa day next Sat and that we should say no to them. He seems quite convinced that he wants to manage it alone...how many times can you walk around the block or plop the child in front of a TV. He is at that six month/very heavy stage where just carrying him takes a lot of effort.
I think the only way to resolve this is to let him find out how hard it is and then later have a word with SD that I'm not on board with being volunteered. He likes to paint me as some sort of eager childcare expert...this is not even my own grandkid!
If he wants to do this, let
If he wants to do this, let him do it at SD's home. AFter all, the wee darlin' will be so much happier in her own familiar surroundings, right? Either way, this is not negotiable, he does it in their home, not yours. It's in her home or not at all. End of story.
For the record, if he babysits in your home you can be pretty sure that SD won't collect her offspring until Sunday evening, whereas if it's in her home, your DuH will be relieved of his duties when they get home.
Hold your ground
I agree with the others. It's not your responsibility. Your DH can do whatever he wants but make sure that he does it alone. He has no right to volunteer you. I told my hubby that I was in no way going to babysit my SD's son. He and his ex dumped SD on me when she was a kid and I know better now. Don't get me wrong, I care about them but I don't want to provide care. SD and her family live in a different town but when they come for a visit, they are expected to look after their child during their entire stay.
Amen
I feel just exactly the same. My DH and BM dumped their 3 kids on me full time. They are all grown and gone now but nobody else is dumping their kids here.
He said OK then he'll take a
I literally LOL'd when I read this! Please encourage him to do this. Oh, how much fun he'll have being babysitting grandpa while neglecting his own business. Like other posters suggested, have DH babysit at their home. That way the baby will have his crib and all his familiar comforts. I'd start a betting pool with your friends to guess how long before DH bails. He volunteered you first rather than himself because he knows he'd have a hard time with this. I'm sure he said he'll do it just to try and make you feel guilty. I'd make up some excuse like my sciatic nerve is acting up and it will be impossible for you to care for a newborn. Best of luck to your hubby. LOL!
Your advice was right on
Your advice was right on point!!!!
Follow up
Ok so last Saturday, DH took on the 12 hour babysitting of 6 mo old grandson, starting at 1230 pm going through to midnight. I was firmly hell no to that precedent and so off he went to sit at their house. Within 90 minutes he was back at ours with baby in carriage expecting me to be thrilled. I was nonchalant and just enjoyed an hour or so playing with the little guy. When DH announced he was going to take a nap, I got firm and reminded him he took on the gig. So he took baby for a long walk then returned to their house to feed it dinner and do the bath at 6pm. He called me to come and help because he wasn't sure how to bathe, dry and change the baby. Baby had already peed all over him on the first diaper change.
so I went over there, got businesslike and helped him prep junior for bed. Once in the crib, he fell fast asleep, and I took off back home and left him to enjoy his Sat night watching TV and checking the baby monitor. I didn't see him until the next morning since I'm not waiting up till midnight. Apparently SD was "surprised" that I wasn't part of the package. I will have to be clear with her.
Funny part was DH went on at length how tired he was trying to stay awake at their place and how selfish it was that they asked him to do such a long stint. I just kept my mouth shut.
If SD goes to prison
Tell SD that if she goes to prison DH will provide childcare, short of that, you'll love spending time with them as a family. If SD needs a sitter, she'll have to hire one since 1) she elected to have a child and a career and to not create a co-dependent relationship, she has to take responsibility as a provider, and 2) DH works full-time in hopes that he doesn't become a burden for SD when he ages. *angel*
GSKids. A double edged sword.
On the one hand, they can be a blessing.
On the other, they can be a fuel source of rediculous power to drive the toxicity of a nasty Skid off of the charts.
Six months later, update
Note that DH has pretty much stopped volunteering himself to babysit ever since they plunked the baby on him for 12 hours. SD and her husband and 2 skids and the baby ALL got Covid recently and kept calling and saying how 'hard' it was to be sick and look after the baby at the same time! I said to DH keep that bunch away from here, and NO we're not helping out with a covid positive kid. We're too old to risk that. So when SD actually asked if we would take the baby, he said no we can't risk our health. He said 'ask your mother' which made me laugh because it was quite clear that the dragon ex had suggested she use us for help. I know I may sound mean and harsh but hey these are not my people, and I didn't marry them.
Good for you
You are absolutely correct.
Good for you
My SD and her family got COVID. She sent a video of them being ill, I just wished them a speedy recovery.
My SD's husband dropped 3 separate hints about dropping their baby son off for a week's visit by himself. Each time I suggested that they are more than welcome visit all together as a family. I then clearly told him that I would not be babysitting, not feeding and not changing any diapers. That was 6 months ago and they have not come back to town for a visit.
DH said that he would like the baby over for a week and that he would take the time off. I told him that he would be 100% responsible to look after his grandson. He has since changed his mind.
So continue to hold your ground. They are not willing to do the grunt work themselves but are willing to volunteer you instead if you let them take advantage.
That will NOT be me! Told DH
My SS is almost 24, been with his crappy GF for a few years now. Won't be surprised if they eventually get married. DH and I have been together for 13yrs. Even when SS was little, DH had him FT. Although BM still lives just 20mins away she NEVER stepped up for ANYTHING..Even now, I do all his shopping and cooking, etc....until he moves out first of the month, yay!
My DH has mentioned when SS has kids, ill be a grandma, I said NOPE. I said, they will be YOUR grandkids. I've done my part, probably more than I should have, with his son, which, btw, only talks to me when he needs something. Christ, he'd rather text me from the other room than to talk to me in person..
He won't even call DH DAD!! Um yeah, true!!!
In a week or so I've been nominated by DH to give SS a ride while I should be sleeping. Ill likely also be helping loading a truck for SS. Couldn't ask BM....of course. I know for a fact when kids come into the picture, BM will already be busy with "plans" as always.
DH likes to volunteer "us"
DH likes to volunteer "us" for babysitting SD's stepchild; not our actual grandchild. The child is very sweet however so it's not a burden but I leave most of it up to him since he's the volunteer.