Having problems not liking my step child
I'm in a relationship with my best friend. We've been great. I've always known she has a daugther but she didn't have her full time until recently she got full custody. I've been around her daughter before and honestly it was short and sweet if I was ever around. Recently we moved to a different state, but she was still doing e-learning so she was home. She's 11 years old. During the move and the first few months we didn't have a lot going on for furniture in the living room so we all kind of hung out in passing or I would be busy doing something else or work while they were together. She then went back and spent the summer and her grandmas.
Before she left she would do little things that were annoying. She's not a bad kid at all, a very good kid actually but these things would get under my skin. She will make messes and leave them there....forever if you let her. Wouldn't shower or brush her hair. Refused to use sheets or pillow cases. Throw the clothes I folded last week back in the dirty hamper so I'd wash them again. Anything I bought her would either get destroyed or lost and not because she has any built up animosity, the kid just doesn't care about her stuff. I took her and her mom to Disney when we first moved, had to buy her shoes because on the way because she just didn't put any on when we left and then those shoes were never worn again. She will eat cereal and leave the box open on the counter so the next time anyone else wants to eat cereal it's stale. If you try to watch a tv or a movie with her she talks over the entire thing with commentary or she will talk to you about a show or book she's into and it jsut goes on and on. She just expects her mom or anyone to do things for her, like not in a bratty sassy way but in the I'm to lazy to do this and eventually someone will come do it for me. At Disney her shoes kept coming untied and her mom kept tying them for her.
If her mom tells her to do something or hey get dressed we are going here and you gotta come with she's just like "why?" All attitude.
Ok so that was all before she left for grandmas for the summer. Since she's been gone we got new couches and vamped up the place. We got a kitten. We bought her this bunk bed desk combo and things for her room to redo, make it feel like home. Before she left all these things would annoy me, but it wouldn't drive me over the edge at all, but since she's been back, 3 days maybe....I cant stand her.
I feel awful too about it. So the kitten we got when she was gone, I kind of bonded with it I mean we both did and it's suppose to be a family cat I'm cool with that. He sleeps with her and hangs with her mostly during the day but every time the cat came over to say hi to me or lay with me, 2 minutes in she's flicking his toy over there and he runs over. She's not doing it like hey come her obviously she tries to act like she's just flicking it herself and I think that's what annoys me more to be honest. Finally the 5th or 6th time she did it, before he even noticed I grabbed the cat and handed it to my SO Like here, give it to her. My SO kind of sensed it but then just makes me feel bad or I feel bad.
Then since she's been home she's been using the living room TV and I feel like I have to go to my room to watch anything I want to watch. She has been sleeping on the new couch and it's a power recliner and I've had her mom tell her and remind her if she wants to get up, to put the legs on the couch down not put your body weight on it to get up. I give the footrest another month before it's broke.
Just being around her is annoying me to the extreme lately to the point I was just so lifeless in everything we did yesterday. The weird thing to me is that even though I feel this way I will still make sure she has everything she needs and the nicest things and that's natural to me. I noticed her headphones were broke the other day and got her a really nice pair on my own accord and it doesn't bother me to do these things, but being around her. Her mom wasn't always the full parent in her life, she was always around but grandma was the fall back so her mom has been trying to make up for that with just allowing some stuff to slip too easily IMO.
I know this may sound awful and I promise I'm not an awful person. I'm so happy in my relationship and I want to like her and be a good step parent. If feel relief finding this website because I have NO ONE to talk to about this. Please give me advice on what I can do. I'm starting to internalize all this and it's getting ugly. Thank you very much.
You have a SO problem
Welcome. You will probably get lots of good advice. I have to get to a meeting so I'm going to be brief.
Your SO isn't a great parent. Your SO needs to step up to making thier child independant.
Nothing is worse than feeling
Nothing is worse than feeling like you're not supported. I'm in a similar relationship. It sucks because you love the person you're with but you see issues that aren't getting resolved. They will manifest themselves and continually get worse over time. Unless BM decides to finally parent. Which most likely will not happen. Why, because it's changing a mindset. Always have to look at the core of the problem which in your case would be to ask why is BM daughter like this. History is where all this starts. Sometimes it's a lose lose battle and continuing to stay will only prolong your misery. I'm living it now.
I am sorry, she does sound
I am sorry, she does sound like an annoying child, but a normal annoying 11yo child. children come in all types- sweet, independent, clingy, annoying, energetic, and bad. lol you just happened to be saddled with the annoying one.
I think you need to talk to your SO about helping the child become more mindful. If she leave boxes open, make her come close them. We instilled a rule, if we catch a light on, you pay a quarter (they had allowances for doing house hold chores).
If yall are watching a movie together and she's talking over it, just tell her once "Hey, I can see whats happening in the movie, but I can't hear if you're talking, so please, stop." If she continues, make her leave, ask her to come watch tv later, when you're done.
As for the shoe thing, ask your wife "don't you think she's old enough to tie her own shoes?" If she keeps doing it, that's one her. If she continues, just give little cues here and there, "don't you want her to be more independent?", "she really needs to start doing things on her own."
In the long run, just remember, not your circus, not your monkey. THAT was the best piece of advice I've gotten from here. you are not te parent, it's not a reflection of you, and how the child turns out is not your fault.
Children are only ill behaved
Children are only ill behaved when they are parented by dipshit parents. Find a new mate who is not a dipshit.
I think you have two issues,
I think you have two issues, one is BM's parenting (or lack there of). I would suggest going to counselling together to try and align your values and approach in this space. If you can't align on values and approach to parenting and BM is not willing to step up then you seriously need to consider if you want to stay in this relationship as it will cause you ongoing frustration and continue to be a problem if the two of you have kids.
Your second issue is bonding with your step-child. When you are a bio parent you get that extra something (genetic bond) that allows you to love your child no matter what. This does not happen for step-parents so when your skid is annoying or not likeable then it's really hard.
As someone who has been a step-parent for 14 years now (SS15 and SD16) I can tell you my experience/advice.
1. If you can't fix the first problem (ie align on parenting with BM) then the second problem (bonding with your SD will never happen. The key to any successful blended family is trust, respect and unity between the bio and step-parent and you definitely don't have those foundations in place.
2. Even if you can fix the first problem, there is no guarantees of bonding with your SD.
My DH and I are a team, united on parenting and we make no disctinction between step and bio parents. We compromise on areas we differ ie DH tends to be softer than me on parenting but we communicate well and talk things through. Because my skids were so young when I came into their lives they have never given me any grief and respect me as their third parent.
And yet despite all of this, bonding was hard and slow and unfortunately never really happened for me with SD16. The first five years of being a stepparent nearly killed me - all I mostly felt was resentment towards the skids. What saved me was two things, counselling with DH to help us align on expectations and approach and letting go and allowing what will be to be. By that I mean, I stopped putting pressure on myself to love the kids and just allowed feelings to happen organically.
The end result is I love my SD15 and we have a good relationship . My feelings for SD16 are much more complicated. I do care for her and want the best for her but unfortunately I just don't like her. We have nothing in common and I find the way she behaves abhorrent. I'm not talking about being rude or nasty (she is neither) but she is selfish and doesn't care about anyone else's needs or property. She also lies constantly and is off the charts annoying to live with. Bottom line, I would never associate with someone like her by choice and I'm just hanging for the time when she turns 18 and hopefully decides to live with her mother (right now custody is 50/50).
I also have a bio son (3) and the love I feel for him is on a different level altogether compared to how I feel about my skids, even though I have raised my skids since they were so young.
Skids are like anyone else, sometimes you will gel with them and sometimes you won't. Lucky for me, my DH sees his daughter for who she is (just like BM) so we don't fight about how I feel about her, although it obviously makes him sad to see how she has turned out. I'm just so grateful she isn't mine as I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a child you find so dissapointing.
That's my experience and I hope it helps. Best of luck!
You are a strong example of
You are a strong example of what a great SParental attitude and a strong equity life partnership can deliver when it comes to a SParent experience.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
Thanks Rags, it's been a long
Thanks Rags, it's been a long and hard journey but I'm proud of what we have achieved.
Feel your pain
I feel your pain. Have had my step daughter since the week after we got married. She annoys me to no end. Recently she has taken over the living room day in and out. I do not go in there anymore and will not clean it. I don't think I have any good answer... just know that you are not alone.
Why would you surrender any part of your home to an invader?
Don't do that. Put her in her place, and quit retreating. Go on the offensive and keep her comfort level so minimal that she will not step out of her own space.
I don't know that she can do
I don't know that she can do that either. My DH doesn't like that SS is mostly in his room. He thinks it's because he's not comfortable around me.
Seriously? SS is a teen,
Seriously? SS is a teen, sitting in their rooms is what they do! So your DuH is blaming you for his son being a typical teen?
I agree with the above.
I agree with the above. Anytime SD is "camping out" ask her to do simple tasks (that she should be doing anyway).
- Hey, can you go put that cereal up please?
- Hey, can you keep it down so I can watch tv please?
- Hey, can you vaccuum up the couch when you're done playing?
SD will get annoyed and tired of you asking her to do things because she is lazy. My SD11 was the same way. She figured out if she stayed in her room, I wasn't going to track her down to do things. Thus, no more hanging out in the common areas. It's not that she "isn't allowed" in those areas... I'll just hold her accountable
Well played.
Well played.