For me what I would like to see has no bearring. Everything SD does or doesn't do (getting a license, a job, preparing for college, etc.) is between DH and BM. That's the hard part of disengaging. Not having any say. And I am a HUGE planner! I want a crystal ball so I can see what happens this coming year when SD graduates in June and then turns 18 in September. Instead I just get sit back and wait....

YOU DO NOTHING!!! When/If her parents or she herself do these things is when it will happen. These are all discussions the parents of the child need to be having.

Well I do plan on speaking up once SD turns 18. To me thats when their vistitation schedule formally ends. To me its one thing to sit back and keep quite while she is in school but if he thinks next summer we are not doing things EOW becuase she wants to continue the rotation, or if he thinks I am ok with her longing aroudn here he has a rude awakening! 

The big thing is I will be talking to DH about this in the coming year,  NOT SD! I have seen some changes for the better this summer and I plan on keeping quite for another 5 months or so but come early next year I will be "asking" not "telling" DH how he plans on weaning SD off of all the calls and the sleepovers. 

You and DH need to hammer that out.  Is she out at 18 no matter what?  Can she stay after that if working and paying rent?  

The other stuff though I would stay out of and let DH handle.  It's excruciating because as an adult you know they will need to take these steps to become independent but can't guide then towards those steps to take.

I disengaged from YSS in his teens before I knew the term.  DH and YSS both seemed relieved that I wasn't involved anymore.  In those days, kids were chomping at the bit to drive and YSS was, too.  I dont recall who took him for the test but it wasn't me.  In your case, I'd stay out of it.  Whether or when she drives is your DH's problem.   The only involvement I had with YSS's driving was having him added to our insurance.

As far as a job, that's between Munchkin and DH.  Not your problem.  YSS wanted spending money so he'd work sporadically but I had no involvement.

Launch plans?  That's between Munchkin and her parents.  Nothing you can do will have any effect.  YSS had poor grades but got an athletic scholarship.  I knew he wouldn't last and he was home before the first semester ended.  

I'm a planner, too.  It's really difficult to watch family members flounder when some maturity and planning would help them so much.  But, Clove, you are going to have to watch her flounder.  It's the ONLY way she will learn.  Its so hard.....

That's one of those disengagement things- it's not up to you when she drives or if she has a job before finishing HS- Some parents prefer kids to focus on academics and not worry about job until after HS.  He's completely in his right to make that decision with SD.  Some kids prefer to drive later, I agree 22 is a tad extreme-but EVERY kid is different.  My two sons, my youngest got his permit at 17, drivers at 18.  My youngest just turned 20 and got his drivers.  He was intimidated, afraid and had a lot of anxiety about it.  It was inconvenient, and I MUCH would have preferred he push past that and gotten it at 18-19 instead.  It is what it is.  

Where I grew up kids weren't even allowed a license until 18- to be honest? I think the risk of kids driving younger then that is too big.  Most accidents/deaths are below the 18 age group. The statistics are staggering.  Also, not to mention taking on that HUGE insurance bill when there really isn't much reason to be driving at that age/working.  Why the rush to pay that huge insurance bill also? 

Remember, the kid will then work until late 60's at least-why the rush to start a job at 15-16?  I also think there are PLENTY for jobs/things they can/should be learning at home during that age frame.  Cooking, yard work, handyman work, how to use tools to repair things, help dad change a tire, wash the car, shopping, budgeting, volunteer work, etc.  Parents can give an allowance for that.   Of course in your case, that would mean your DH would have to DO these things with her (unlikely) so I see your hesitation with having no say for sure.

As to the drivers license interferring in visiation? I'm not sure how/why that would be the case?   It never made any different to us.  SD got her license at 18 as well.  Why would you stop paying utilities if she doesn't have a job/license at 16?  That makes ZERO sense to me- you still live there-most parents don't charge the 16yrs old rent even if they did have a job btw.  Now, if you feel your contributing more then your DH- then HE can increase his share of utilities.  I wouldn't make threats or mention what you will 'pull' if she doesn't do these things by your timeline, because frankly, it isn't your child or decision.

One of the biggest issues we as step-parents struggle with is loss of control.  Step-parenting/blended families are completely unnatural and so many negatives.  When we struggle from loss of control, we sometimes fight back harder to GET control but the things we want control over are completely out of line and over the top.  But I GET why you feel how you do.  I struggle with control issues as well, hence why I can say this to you from my own experience/struggles.

Disengaging also means adjusting OUR approach (of controlling things/manipuatling to get our way)- and worrying so much about future things.  I would worry about it when she approaches 18 and you don't know what the plan is-till then I wouldn't worry about it much.

One more thing- it does also seem that us women get away a little more with the 'control' thing than men, maybe because guys just don't like to rock the boat and we don't give a damn lol.

Honestly, if my DH had tried to tell me he'd pull financial resources or insisted on my younger sons license before he was ready to drive, I would have told him to go fly a kite, and float away with it.  It's not his kid -and parents KNOW their children-if it's just laziness (can be pushed more) or genuine fear/anxiety.  Especially if he had insisted on it when he was 16  Again, 18 diffferent story, but before that he would be entirely out of line to insist things were done his way, kwim?

I totally get why you're wanting to know whether or not to say something if Backstabber fails to achieve the milestones that her peers do. When Disney parented, coddled SKs don't reach these milestones, they fail to launch. I disengaged before I knew the term "disengagement," and for a while I was liberated but then when my SKs were still not even remotely close to launching in their mid-20s, I regretted my disengagement. I had to pull quite the stunt to be able to live without a 23 year old still getting Daddddeeeee to tuck her in every night. Why the hell should we have to pay the price for delayed SKs by living with them forever? I've seen posts saying to start speaking up and taking action now and I've seen posts saying leave it alone and stay disengaged. If you engage, you would get thrown under the bus just like you were over Backstabber's schooling. Yet, if you don't enage and start stirring up shit now, you could end up with another version of FF still living with you in her mid-20s and her dad fighting tooth and nail to keep her there. You'll get sold out as the meanie. It's a catch 22. I think this is a situation where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

You do not a thing.

1. Working

I've had this discussion with DH over and over and over and over. To no avail. He will not support YSD working at all. He doesn't see that it's good to learn how to get along with people, how to manage money, how to be independent - not important. So she just does whatever and BM and DH just do it all for her. You do nothing, give no $ for anything special. Recently I've refused to support her hair conditioner habit (bottles and bottles of it) or buy her the ONLY cereal she will eat at $5 per small box. I've told DH that SHE needs to go to the store with him and take her money with her to get those things. NOPE. Nothing ever, ever happens.

2. Driving.

YSD is so scared of being in the car that she cries over being asked to sit in the front passenger seat. She'll sit in the middle of the rear seat, blocking the rearview mirror view entirely. DH allows her to do this, I do not. So if, rarely, she is in the car with me she knows NOT to sit there. I cannot make her sit in the front seat b/c DH is "working on this with her." Which means he's not really. She's not going to drive at 16. So I told DH that if she's 16 and could have a drivers license and he's driving her around for this that and another thing, my car will not be used. He will need to get a car for him / her at that point and my keys will be out of use. He gets to deal with it not me. He validates that she doesn't need to drive ad infinitum so ok then, you get to be her chauffer.

"Do not ask, do not find out how things are going, do not give your opinion" - remember this mantra if you feel like saying something. Keep disengaged.

if SD drives or doesn't..up to your DH and BM.  You don't have a say and you don't pay. 

If you pay half the utilities now..why would that change is SD gets a job??  She is still a minor and if you want to pay less then it will be your DH that has to pay,  ie divide the utilities by 3 if SD lives there full time and DH pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3.

Nope no say if she fails and what is done or not done.  Not your circus....and if they (your DH and SD) want your money or whatever for anything...that's a big fat NO.

I kept quiet once SD19 started high school because it was getting me nowhere. However, after she turned 18, no license, no job, lived with us full-time, and sat in her room all day, every day doing nothing, I spoke up. DH and I talked about a plan and then filled her in. She obliged for about 3 months or so before quiting her job. I then spoke up again after no rule following for 3 months and I was livid. SD then decided to move out (I think my previous blog is still up about this). Once your SD is 18 and out of high school, then it is time to talk to your DH about the launch plan and rules if she lives in your house. However, for now you must bight your tongue and wait. FYI: my SD barely graduted HS, has no license, and works P/T at a Pizza Hut while living 100% free with her grandfather in a 55+ community.

I created a graphical Launch Plan that was published on SSthen17's door with the 4 required conditions to continue living here after h.s. graduation. Memorialized what was discussed & agreed to by DH, me, and SS. Provided total clarity, and forced DH to kerp his word & kick SSthen18 out. 

As documented in my old blogs & forum posts.

Disengaged means disengaged. If she doesn't learn to drive? Not your problem and YOU will play no part in shuffling her a$$ around either. TBH - I think 16 year olds shouldn't be driving anyway. They are too immature and accident prone at that age. I had a very different cut off at our home. NJ is extremely expensive and it was unrealistic to expect any kid to move out at 18. Our rules were simple - go to school OR get a job. If you chose job, you pay a bill, pick one, but that is YOUR bill to pay every month without me reminding you. Save your money, so you can get your own place and be out by age 25. BS1 and BS2 were both out by our cut off. SS was kicked out at age 25, he couldn't hold a job, lost his license, had his car impounded, was a disgusting slob and was seriously doing NOTHING to make anything out of himself. He is now 29, a couch surfer, no job, no education beyond a HS diploma. Not our problem. SD21 is not an issue - she's been PAS'ed and has been MIA for the last 6-7 years. BS3 - graduated college, has a job, is saving to get his own place, building his credit and has 2 years left to cut off. DH and I are wondering what to do once BS3 is gone. The house is too big for just the 2 of us but downsizing in this market isn't an option either, we'd be paying more for a smaller home. If your skid is in school, gets a job after graduating HS, helps in the home and has a PLAN, it doesn't hurt to help her get on her feet. You need to discuss your expectations with DH.